And Then The Phone Rang

Got a message from my doctor, apparently my ultrasound’s all clear.
But it doesn’t really ease my mind.
The reality is, I know something’s different. So if that’s not it, what? But I’ve changed so much in my life in the last 18 months, and so much has changed on me, that a starting point for what’s going wrong is not so easy to find, since change isn’t always easy to peg as “right” or “wrong”.
See, my problem is, I was a perenially sick kid. They didn’t know what was wrong with me, but serious shit was. Turns out I had a rare kidney disease (wound up documented in medical journals for it but it has long since gone into remission) that affected me until I was 13 or so. But they did test after test after test after test that never indicated anything “really” was wrong. Except for my nearly-dead left kidney, that is, and the fact that I kept missing school and winding up in Emergency.
So I don’t really trust tests. They’re misleading.
I’m not gonna sit around all paranoid and doomsdayish, either, but I’ll certainly be a little concerned, I’m sure. Why shouldn’t I be?
Fortunately, it’s only for about 3 or 4 days every second month that I have any issues, so I can put it out of my mind most of the time.
After all this, I’m motivated to really take a look at the diet and nutrition areas of my life these days. Moreso now out of fear of the future and a desire to change an outcome I may have predetermined with my three decades of horribly unfit living. It’s never too late, I’m told. And now’s a good time, right?
Not like I don’t have momentum. Or like I haven’t been doing the inside-the-box thinking along the lines of healthy eating and such. But now I’m thinking outside the box and willing to take bigger actions.*
Later this summer when, I hope, my finances should settle down a bit, I want to start sessions with a naturopath. That’s the next level, after dealing with the aesthetics of weight-loss, the actualizing of the health I’ve always longed for.
When it comes to health, I’ve got a laundry list of issues I’ve dealt with, lived with, or overcome in my life, and the road to where I’m going is still very much uphill.
I don’t have the resolve for healthy eating I really need, not yet. But I’m eating less crap all the time, and my choices keep improving, even if only in bits. Well, most of the time. I still have butter in the fridge, for instance.
Little scares like this, though…
They make you go, “Whoa. What am I doing to myself, really, over the longterm? More importantly, what am I doing FOR myself?”
And, sure, I’ve made FANTASTIC achievements in my health-realm. But I need more. That I need to accomplish more and have further to go doesn’t discount what I’ve done already, not by a long shot. It just reinforces how much is possible, given the magnitude of what has already been done.
I will get there.
I just hate reminders of how far from the peak of this I am. But I guess that’s life for us, we’re always never where we’re going; we’re always journeying. So it’s not really about where you need to get to or where you’ve been, it’s more about whether you’re standing still or keeping on keeping on.
And I suppose that’s some of what’s frustrating me — my injury, etc, I’ve been stagnating and standing still, but moreso because I’ve chosen to act differently. I’m drinking more is the one big change in my life — and now my weight is standing still again. All because I’ve fallen in love with wine again. At least I’m not gaining, but I’m not doing what I want. If I could exercise at the capacity I’d like, that wouldn’t be an issue. But I can’t, so it is, and whose fault is it? Precisely.
Ahh, well. Rome wasn’t built in a day. That’s what I wrote on the first page of the journal I began to commemorate my struggles. Not in a day, not in a year, not even in a lifetime, was Rome built.
This I know.
And now I know the answer to my ultrasound, too. Am I convinced? No. But I’m a little relieved, and that’s something.
I will get there.
*Something occurred to me last week, funny enough, after I saw something in passing in the media… perhaps I’ve got some lead in me. You know, heavy metals? I doubt I’d have much lead-poisoning, but it’s possible. See, I’ve been eating daily for the last 2-3 years off of the dishes my folks bought in Mexico in ’79, and Mexico and China are famous for using leaded glazes. So, I thought “Oh, I wonder what the symptoms are.” Peeked. And hey, I have most of those symptoms in any given week. Really mildly, right, but they’re there.
So this morning I take a look at all the dishes — the 30-year-old dishes — and all the glazing’s flaking off, everything’s got a crack in it. I *love* these dishes, but clearly they’re well beyond safe at this point. I’ve apparently been eating probably-lead-glaze for quite a while now. It’s apparently tasty.
They’re on the table, awaiting discarding now. I need to figure out what one should do with potentially lead-unsafe dishes. Still, it’s kind of funny. Fuck, I love those dishes! So does Gayboy, he’ll be disheartened. I’ll get a blood test and then be done with this theory too. đŸ™‚

3 thoughts on “And Then The Phone Rang

  1. Virginia Mason

    Glad the test is ok for now. Physically, I’m ok, but a couple of nasty things went wrong in my life, so I’m mentally not ok. Sucks, doesn’t it, this not quite healthy. I know you’re working hard to fix what you can fix, and so am I. But it’s not a sure thing, and it’s uphill so much of the way. Hang in there. You’re being an inspiration to me. May we both confound the odds.

  2. myself

    Phew on the test.
    I know what it’s like to be injured and get off track. I’m still losing weight, slowly, but I’m feeling flabby….I have to get back to my walking, and maybe up to running again where I was before I gronched my knee (apparently your kneecap should NOT be up into your thigh, go figure!)
    Life long struggle. But you’ll get there, and will I!
    myself’s last blog post..man this world is small part deux

  3. Cynthia K. Dalton

    Re the dishes, since you love them, save some for display purposes only.
    Re butter, it’s not bad, much better than margarine. If your worried about pesticides or hormones, switch to organic, remember you do need some fat in your diet to stay healthy.

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