I’m not very comfortable posting this because there are areas in here I’m not ready to be sharing, but this is what’s going on RIGHT NOW, and sometimes accounts of these things after-the-fact are overly sanitized. But what the fuck, I’ll share.
This is turning into a monumental week for me, a week of massive change that I think is laying the groundwork for what’s going to be one hell of an interesting upswing.
There have been a number of things I have been wanting resolution with for a long time, but have only really pursued this year. Among them was finally getting diagnosed as ADD. I never wanted to go there, never thought it applied to me. But I fake it well, right? I delude people into thinking I’ve a better grip on things than I do.
Deep down, I know how much it’s interfering with my life and affecting my day-to-day. I know how overwhelmed I feel. I felt overwhelmed when I was depressed a couple years back, but this is different. I’m pretty content and even happy these days, yet totally overwhelmed. I love where my life’s headed, and yet I’m totally overwhelmed. I’m always overwhelmed. But happy won’t last if this sense of being impossible to control keeps up much longer, so dealing with it now is smart. Very.
I can’t even focus on conversations anymore, and I feel like I can tell people think it’s rude, but I just can’t focus. At all.
So I never realized how ADD I was until recently, since it’s easy to ignore shit when you turn yourself into a recluse. I’ve been social and tackling so many things that the reality’s been unavoidable, so it was time to own up and Go There.
Friday, I get my shiny new trial of drugs my doctor’s wheedled from the pharmaceutical gods; a low-dose, non-addictive, mild ADD drug that will take many weeks to kick in, but still. It’s a start, and I can be patient if I know it’s worth the wait, but it’s expensive as fuck to try out, hence my doc wheedling me a schwack of it for free, apparently.
Unlike some people who think pills are cure-alls, I don’t. I asked for something I’ll be able to kick in a year when I’ve got routine and peace of mind, something that’s not habit-forming or too intense, and that’s where we got to. Still, I’m attacking this from every direction I can.
Part two of that strategy, and another very exciting development, is that I have an appointment Monday to set up counselling that another organization will be picking up the tabs for. I’ve done a profound amount of mental heavy-lifting in the last couple years but I’d love to talk it out with someone impartial, who might push buttons, and not just leave it in some never-to-be-opened document or journal, or dump it on here for the masses. It turns out I have access to free counselling. Who knew?
Then, sometime next month, a good Samaritan claims she’s gonna come over and whip some order into my chaotic world. I’ll have to post before and after photos of my crack den– I mean, apartment– when she’s done reaping the whirlwind. And give her full and glorious public credit, of course. I’m so hopeful this happens, because I’d love someone else’s perspective on how to make sense of this madness.
And I’ve finally conceded I’m not going to get over my back problem without serious hoodoo-voodoo mojo-juju shit or something, so I began some acupuncture sessions yesterday. I’ve got five more on tap, but I smell some serious frequent flyer miles after feeling so good this afternoon.
The last, and arguably the most profound and immediate life-impact, bit of happy happenstance is that I got word the government will be springing for some swank new hearing aids for this Steff. Mine after nigh on five years old are obsolete, and one’s dead entirely. The government’s gift to me? A total of about $4,000 to $5,000. But the ones I’ve been wearing haven’t been strong or good enough for years now, and I’ve noticed its impact on my social life. However, it’s for work that the government’s giving them to me. Might as well have me keep my job as a television captioner, since hearing’s vital to it. Keeping people employed in a recession is apparently desirable. Again, who knew?
So all of these things are resolving within seven days of each other. How’s that for strange timing?
And talk about clearing one’s cerebral desk before a vacation. Schwing. Mission accomplished.*
Amazing what a week can bring you, if you start asking for help and looking for opportunities. That’s all I did. And, look, I got what I wanted on every count.
Lesson learned, Cosmos.
*I’m off on a biking vacation in BC’s interior next week, letting family cook for me and provide me with copious alcohol. I’ll earn my keep with a meal or two.