Unraveling the Headfuck

All these insecurities
That have held me down for so long
I can’t say I’ve found a cure for these
But at least I know them
So they’re not so strong

–George Michael

In my mind, there are two lives. The life I’ve lived, and the life I might’ve lived if all my insecurities hadn’t held me back for as long as they have.

For someone who doesn’t give a fuck what others think, I sure let it prevent me from living out loud.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently, because I’ve been reading up on ADD and hearing the psychological baggage of self-esteem issues being one of the major factors late-diagnosis ADD folk have to deal with, it makes a lot of sense to me. I can’t lay that out for you. I can’t share that. Not yet.

But I’ve been thinking about the origin of my inner demons. Did they come from my becoming fat around 10 years old? Was it because I constantly started and never finished things, and always judged myself in my head far more harshly than my parents ever did? Did the observations of “you never finish things” or “you’re so frustrating” or “I’m so disappointed about X you did” endlessly imprint themselves on my mind and now replay on a loop just out of old habit?

Trying to figure out the origin for where the cerebral shitstorm began is kind of like neglecting your car for years, then, when it’s all but dead on the roadside, taking it to a mechanic and being stunned at the vast interconnecting damage, then asking “Well, where’d it start?”

The flashpoint is meaningless now. My insecurities and my doublethinking, outsider-looking-in mentality make me the writer I am today. They also make me the flawed person I am today. Shit happens.

If it takes me six minutes to unravel all the motherfucking AC power supply cables in my gadget drawer every time I wanna charge up some toy, I can’t imagine how long my tangle of mindfucks will take to unfurl.

But it starts Tuesday. I’m taking advantage of the opportunity for free therapy, since I did some poking around, and I’m not too big to admit I could use a little headshrinking. Tuesday I meet the placement folk, to find out who might be best-suited to be that sage voice and wise ear for me while I take this path.

I’m excited and scared. It’s probably just a weird coincidence, but Sunday morning a Professional Organizing Kinda Gal’s comin’ over to help me get past the logjam of personal belongings in my lowly hovel. Where are we starting? In the storage where all my Dead Mother shit is kept. Oh, that’ll yield us some fodder for the headshrinking, no?

I suspect that, as far as domestic tasks go, this Sunday’s storage-clearing-attempt will be one of the hardest I’ve ever faced. So many skeletons and dreamed-of ghosts in the ten years since that stupid summer day. I’m prepared. I’m daunted. I’m good to go. And I’m ready for the fallout.

I’m really emotionally overwhelmed with everything I’ve been considering of late. I’m trying to tie up some loose ends around the home and my mental realm, so as to lay the foundation for what I hope’s a fantastic year of crazy change ahead. This is the existential midpoint of a journey where one stops, suspends the engines, pulls out the charts and maps and compasses, and takes stock of where they’re actually headed, then rights the path to get back on track.

Well, welcome to my July of Journey-Righting. Holy fucking headtrip, Batman.

On with the reconfirguing of self, the processing of past, the planning for future.

I’m scared of dealing with these things. I’m afraid to put my demons to rest. I’m afraid to give into dreams for my future.

Because then what excuses are left to me? What can I blame my eterna-limbo on? When I’m all KraZ-Glued back together, what then?

When you’ve spent so long being fucked up, the alternative brings a lot of fear. Kind of like Brooks Hadley getting released from Shawshank Prison. Sometimes being locked up all your life makes freedom the scariest thing you’ll ever endure.

I don’t know what else to tell you. I know what I don’t want to share.

It’s going to be a really, really important weekend for me. It’s the start of a new era. The slow unraveling of a new, less encumbered, less fearful Steff.

And I have no idea what that’s going to mean. But at least I’m hopeful it’s something good.

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5 Comments

  1. Posted July 16, 2009 at 10:44 am | Permalink

    You will make it. I’m proud of you, your honesty and courage to share so deeply. Cathartic for you and a ray of hope for others. You’re not alone and are loved by many! Always here if you need a rant. Big hugs xo

    Coach T.I.A’s last blog post..On Forgiveness and Letting Go of Anger and Hurt..

  2. Posted July 18, 2009 at 5:07 am | Permalink

    I’ve said it many times in the past year and I’ll say it again. Going into therapy was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. And yeah it takes time and hard work to undo all the years of shit but in the end life for me has been so much better.

    One of the things my therapist has made me understand is that it is never too late and I have a full life still ahead of me.

    Good luck with your first visit on Tuesday.

    Diva’s last blog post..Diva’s Latest Find — QueerPink.com

    • Posted July 18, 2009 at 10:17 am | Permalink

      Diva– I’ve been headshrunk a few times before, for 5–6 sessions each, about three times, over the last decade or so but could never afford to continue the treatments — so, this time, I won’t have to worry about the money running out, and it should be a longer-term experience, so that’ll be good. :)

      Michael — You’re hilarious. Thanks for a witty and fun comment. I’m not too worried about the baggage, I just know the whole start of these things can be a tumultuous whirlwind at times. I’m ready. :)

  3. michael
    Posted July 18, 2009 at 7:59 am | Permalink

    You’re lucky. You’ll come to grips with the old problems, pack them away, and have plenty of time to create new problems! The nice part comes when you realize that the old baggage has gotten lighter while you were busy. :) It’s life: one thing after another, and if you handle them with all the aplomb and grace you show in your writing, you’ll wow them at the Ritz.

  4. Posted July 21, 2009 at 10:18 am | Permalink

    I’ve used a counsellor. It was brilliant and completely sorted out my issues at the time. The demons have never returned either. But then, you don’t give a fuck what I think :)

    Tony Letts’s last blog post..IN PRAISE OF TWITTER

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