I’m having one of those days.
I’m having a dislike-myself day. Or is it discontent with myself? ‘Cos I like myself way much and feel it’s worth taking action to end some of the feelings I’ve got today.
The content of my internal dialogue today is staying internal, I’m afraid. No nitty-gritty deets for you people.
But this sort of happens every time I approach a new era of change in my life. When I start it, it’s shaky and it’s more failure than it is success. I fall down. A lot. I fuck up. Constantly. And every time I fuck it up, I follow that up with beating myself up.
I’m gentle in the beating. I get moody and angry, though. Mostly because I know I’m better than this. I’m no stranger to accomplishing what I want. I’m also no stranger to not wanting things bad enough and walking away in frustration.
I know where my shortcomings lie, and it’s times like these that they mushroom.
The reason the loathing becomes so great, too, is that I know just how much restraint and dedication I’ve shown to things in the past, so I’m frustrated by HOW HARD it is to get back into a routine where I have more success on a weekly basis than I do failure. I miss that.
The reality is, I’m not even failing. I’m just sucking a bit.
There’s a big difference between sucking and failing, you know. One passes you on a “D” and the other keeps you in the grade again with a big, fat fuckin’ “F”. Also related: The likelihood of Moms and Pops kicking your ass. Justifiably.
So, I’m just sucking. I’m probably getting about a “C” right now, if I had to grade myself. And, you know, grading yourself? Awesome. Next time you feel like the world’s biggest asshole because something isn’t going your way, be objective and think “What if I were a teacher and this was someone else’s attempt I had to grade? What then?”
Because a little levity and objectivity goes a long ways. Me, I get WAY too tough on myself, but sooner or later I try to adopt an outsider’s point-of-view, take a breath, and try again.
All of my struggles right now happen to be with wanting to cut back on blowing money on things like wine and eating out — both of which I’ve failed at during my birthday week… in a BIG way — and I want to get my exercising, housecleaning, and writing onto a schedule.
Oh, no, I don’t ask too much at all, right? Holy shit. I know. It’s like:
Steff’s To-Do List: Become perfect. THIS WEEK. Do it, fucker.
So, yes, every now and then I have to give myself a headshake and remember these things don’t happen overnight.
The other day, a friend was telling me about this teakettle she bought, and how it’s been two weeks and she still keeps forgetting to flip the safety switch that prevents it from just turning on all willy-nilly. I say to her, “Two things, one, welcome to almost-30, and, two, it takes 21 days to form a new habit.”
I’m objective giving HER advice, right? But when it comes to me, it’s all “BE PERFECT. NOW.” Sieg heil. I’m only trying to change EVERYTHING.
I take comfort in that I’m probably not the only person out there who goes all “Jawohl, Mein Kommandant!” on themselves. There’s a reason the self-help section outsells sex at the bookstore by 3:1.
So, tonight I’m trying again to tackle a gameplan that will allow me to have health, money, and time ALL in check for the whole week, if I just get it right — I’m spending tonight and tomorrow cooking a bunch of stuff (my brother’s coming to help tomorrow) that will be a healthy, cheap menu plan for a whole week of lunches and dinners. Then I can work, work out, and write every day without having to worry about the food/spending thing getting out of whack.
It’s funny how some life changes come with a lynchpin, if you look hard enough for the commonalities in what you’re trying to accomplish.
And that’s why the self-loathing I was beginning to feel (but now that I realize I’m getting a solid “C” and the folks won’t kick my ass, just frown a little, I’m feeling MUCH better) always comes up — because I know exactly what I need to do to be more successful, and I know I have it in me to be it.
But instead of sitting around and feeling like an asshat, I’m opting instead to get this shit done. Get a plan, make it happen, right? Simple. And if you fuck it up, regroup and do it again, but better. Suck a little less, and it means you’ve made progress. That’s the part to focus on. The p-r-o-g-r-e-s-s, not how much of the mountain’s left to climb; that’s your reality, live it, don’t dwell on it, you know?
And I’ve been making progress. But then I had a birthday and went a little wild. The last time I went this far off-track leading up to my birthday, it was 2007 and it set the pace for losing 50 pounds in a year, starting the week before Thanskgiving — which is next Monday, here in Canuckistan.
So my outlook could be worse. ;)
Jawohl, mein Kommandant, I know; there’s work to be done. I’m on it.