I had a classic big ol’ Twitter fight with an insensitive fuckwit last night, who I haven’t blocked because I’m not in Grade 5 anymore, but it basically came down to me saying, “No, I’m not coming out because I need some time to myself.”
Long story short: I’ve been up at 5 the last four days, have worked in four days what I usually work in 5, still have to work today, am trying to get back onto a fitness regime & healthy diet, and have slept far too little all week. Add to that that today I should get my period and was therefore a grumpy cunt last night, plus I worked 10 hours during the day on a very mentally-draining couple of projects, then, yes… I thought staying home was a good plan.
Asshat, however, thought he should keep pressuring me on Twitter to come out. I kept saying no, then got more forceful about it. Asshat finally got the point. I said “Toldja,” and asshat got offended that I was such a smug bitch about it.
Oh. So, you, in your insensitive and fuckish way, get to bang a drum that’s totally self-serving, because your cock somehow seems to think it’s necessary I attend a party, but when I bang any kind of a drum, I’m suddenly a cunt. Uh-huh. Ass.
Well, here’s a thought, people:
Don’t fucking assume you know what it takes to “cope” in anyone else’s life situation. Don’t assume you know how much gas people have in their tank. Don’t assume you know where they’ve been or where they soon will be going.
This whole “oh, it’s just one night” thing, well, I’ve forced myself on two or three occasions this year to go to parties when I felt exactly like I did last night — spent, tired, frustrated — and I’ve regretted it every time, because I’ve never liked who I’ve appeared to be at the end of it.
If I felt shitty like that and a best friend was coming over, either I’d cancel or I’d give them a heads-up to expect many mini-rants or something. But when it comes to meeting new people? Are you fucking nuts?
First impressions are EVERYTHING, and with the trying year I’ve had, you’re goddamned right I’ve fucked up more than a few of them!
“HI, I’M STEFF. I’m overtired, in the eye of the PMS storm, have been up since five, worked 10 hours, don’t want to be here, and am THRILLED to meet you, since I was GUILT-TRIPPED into coming by ASSHAT over there.”
I can sell anything but I can’t fake my awesomeness when I’m bone tired. Bitchy Steff pokes through the cracks far too easily.
I’d have loved to be out last night — at any of the three events I was invited to — but I didn’t have it in me. At least I’m 36 and I’m mature enough to know this now.
Add to everything in my week is the fact that I’m totally ADD. When my life gets overwhelming or just “more” than I’m used to, I know what I need to do to cope, OR ELSE I have many high, high prices to pay for my assy stubbornness.
I’ve had a lot of dumb luck for five-plus years, which will sound like a weep-fest if I recount it here again, and I’ve fought to struggle through, and have tried to balance everything, but you know what? I’m just tired of the struggle.
If saying no to a cocktail party means I miss out on fun-but-irrelevant light-banter with great people, but I get to be rested enough to make it through my next day when life doesn’t stop and my obligations don’t go poof because I needed to have some fun, well, that’s life. That’s what *I* need to do to survive right now, and it’s not like there aren’t many fantastic social events looming in the next few weeks.
I’m ADD girl, man. I’m ADD girl who’s had nothing but tough for a long time running, and I’m doing AWESOMELY considering, but I’m doing it the way I have to, just so I get by. Also, I’m recent ADD girl. I never understood WHY what was wrong with me was wrong with me, but now I do, and I’m learning how to work with it, but I’ve been “working with it” for less than 6 months now.
This has been a relentless year of growth. It’s not been a fun year. I probably wouldn’t change it much, because it really has defined some exciting new things I’ve learned about myself, but it has been RELENTLESS. It’s been a lot more social than I have expected, given my year, given how well I know myself, but all in all, I’m pleased with the balance I’ve struck… even if others think I’m too antisocial still.
Fortunately, right now, my life isn’t about them or you. It’s about me. It’s all about me.
Even more fortunately, it being about me means I do make social plans and keep people in my life, but I’d rather quality quiet encounters than big, showy, noisy ones. I’m not doing enough of that yet, but I’m getting there.
If you’re that asshat pressuring someone into an event, just remember that you really don’t know what’s going on for them, no matter how well you know them. And if you don’t know them that well? Then shut the fuck up and let them say no. It’s a cocktail party. In the grand scheme of things, nothing “real” ever happens at cocktail parties anyhow.
I’m sad I missed what sounds like two great events. Deep down inside, I know I would’ve been shitty company. I made the right choices. But I’m still sad I had to make those choices. I’d do it again anyhow.
It’s times like these, though, that I wish I could make people understand how much WORK life’s been, and for how long. My taking the nights off, dialing out of life… Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps it all together. I want a better balance, but that’s not going to happen overnight. It will take a lot of work over the next year or so. Balance is the holy grail of modern life.
And I will get there. But I certainly won’t be putting up with bullshit children like the fuckwit who tried to guilt me about my choices last night. The people *I* want to be friends with, they are neither petulant or insensitive like that.
Maybe about 20% (or less?) of the people I know REALLY get what my life has been like in the last few years, and the measure of understanding and caring they show me makes up for every immature fuckwit I encounter out there.
And, I guess, in the end, we’re all lucky if we have a handful of people in our lives who understand all we’ve faced and overcome, and what we need for further such successes.
Too bad we spend so much time explaining ourselves to the ones who’ll never measure up for us.
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