Twitter: 7 Annoying Behaviours

Problems with Twitter exist on a few levels.

Most of them occur because it’s high school all over again. It’s popularity contests and bragging and teasing and everything else you thought you’d left behind as a grown up. Turns out? The high-school-asshat-inside never really grows up.

Unfortunately — it’s a high school that is AWESOME for promoting businesses and personalities. This makes for a whole world of fuckery.

Over Christmas I think I might try to drastically alter who I follow. Want to make sure you’re not on the list? Don’t be guilty of classes 2 through 7.

In the meantime, what are Twitter things that piss me off? Oh, I’m glad you asked.

1. Social-Heroes. I can’t stand when people do the whole “I hung out with X person, Y, Z, and XX, YY, and ZZ! We did J, K, and L and had SO MUCH FUN!” Why does this piss me off? While the people doing it might want to actually shout out, you know what? Most people don’t give a fuck. Worse, some people get offended. “Oh, I wish I was out with them.” It hurts more people than it helps, because you KNOW there’s a few people wondering why they didn’t get invited, or whatever.

If I’ve hung out with 3 people from Twitter, guess what? The other 2,597 people following my feed PROBABLY don’t give a shit. I bet you can do the math with your own list.

I don’t do this, except when I’ve had 10 other people from my event do the “shout out”, then I might acknowledge it. Long story short? No one needs to know who you WERE with because it also always tells them who you EXCLUDED, too. Be more thoughtful. Am I unfollowing anyone for this? No, but I’m not being a party to it. Pat each other on the back, celebrate your friends, and whether you intend it or not, go ahead and exclude everyone else. But I don’t do that.

And business people who think it’s wise, well, just remember the clients you haven’t had time for lately, who try to wrangle more of your time for “meetings” than you’d like them to have. You’re complicating matters for yourself.

CLARIFYING: I don’t find this as annoying if it’s regarding a Twitter-posted event open for anyone. But if it was arranged on the down-low, and no one was invited outside of your Twitter circle, then stop broadcasting it, because it wasn’t a TWITTER event, it was a FRIENDS event.

2. The Masturbators. These are the people who delusionally think it’s ALL about them. They’re taking masturbation to new heights and completely ignore that Twitter is either about putting your thoughts out there or having conversations. These people are the twats doing whole replies time and time again, and then plopping @name the reply is written for at the END of the Tweet — why? So everyone can read EVERYTHING they write. PROBLEM? You can’t follow the conversation thread to see what the fuck Masturbatory Brainiac there is commenting on. That leaves ME not giving a fuck. I can’t follow your conversations and more than 50% of your content is “conversation” responses that have no searchable thread? Bye, dumb-ass. Nice way to shoot yourself in the foot. What you think’s making you witty and getting you more users is probably isolating you more than you know. These are the FIRST people I’m cutting over Christmas. You’re ON NOTICE.

3. The Starfuckers. These are the people who are out to kiss anyone’s ass whose ass is worthy of kissing. They whorily buddy-up to the Stars and Celebrities of Twitter by using @replies in a way that shows everyone whose ass they’re kissing. They do it completely shamelessly, as if they honestly believe the “TweetStar” should give a fuck about them, and like we should respect them for doing so. But, guess what? Yeah, fail. You’re just looking desperate and pathetic, not cool and connected.

4. Advice-Givers. Just because someone’s talking about an annoying problem they have to deal with does NOT mean they don’t know what they’re going to do about it. If they ASK for advice or ideas on solving said issue, go for it. Otherwise? Keep your fucking solutions to yourself.*

5. Blog-Whores. A conversation unfolds and, yes, IT JUST SO HAPPENS you’ve BLOGGED about that VERY SUBJECT in the past. Here! Here’s the link! Stop your conversation, go read my blog, and MAKE SURE YOU COMMENT. Just fuck off. Would you? Really? Fuck off. I’m having a conversation. I don’t give a shit about your blog post right now, and you’ve probably guaranteed that I won’t in the future now, either. Just because you’re not trying to sell me a timeshare in Arizona doesn’t mean you don’t have all the appeal of a deadbeat salesman when you do that shit. Shut up and let the conversation flow. It’s not about YOU or your blog right now, okay?

6. Rabid Promoters. The type who have four or more different accounts, all promoting THEM and THEIR work, who seem to think just putting a little different content in a couple will make it more appealing to you to follow multiple accounts. Then they want to know why you’re not following all their IDs. Why? Because you don’t interest me that much, okay? And I don’t want you cluttering my account with all the same sales and promos pitches that you’re making across your accounts. You fail, pal.

7. Whiners. Yeah, your life’s hard. So’s mine. So’s their’s. We’re not saying never talk about tough stuff, but don’t whine and be all moany about it, okay? Have something of value to say. Show you know how you’re going to overcome your shit. Look on the bright side. Philosophize. But if ALL you do is piss and moan, you’re never funny or interesting about it? Sorry. It’s your drama, not mine, and I don’t need to have that mentality bleeding into my life. My life’s effort enough without getting reminded about it by your inability to project a better outlook.


Does the list end there? No, not really.

But they’re the biggest offenders.

Mostly, I want people to stop being such social-validation whores after hanging out with other Twitter types. Start saying your “GEE, I LOVED HANGING WITH YOU” privately, in Direct Messages, where what you say is more real. These public shout-outs are fucking annoying for ANYONE who wasn’t there. How many people on your list WEREN’T there? Then just don’t mention it. Direct message it. Trouble with this one? Everyone does this shit. Well, I still think it’s wrong.

Christmas break! So, yeah, my Twitter purge is coming. I’m tired of getting bent out of shape by reading shit from people I just don’t care about because they keep falling into one of the groups above too often. 2010 is starting off lighter.

And if you’re guilty of some of this asshatted behaviour? Don’t worry, it’s never too late to change.

*I’ll break this rule whenever I see people talking about insomnia, since I have suggestions that involve vitamins, not narcotics,but that’s about it.

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