Category Archives: Advice

I Was DENIED and It Felt GREAT

I asked someone for help this week, and the most delightful thing happened.

They said “No.”

*blink*

Yes, you read that right. They declined. Took the high road. Waved me off. Said hasta la not bloody likely.

Oh, yes, they did.

And it was w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l.

A nice little note: “Life’s overwhelming. You’re great, I’d love to help, but life’s having its way with me.” Or something to that effect.

WONDERFUL. FUCKING FANTASTIC.

Thank you for acknowledging I asked! Thank you for being real! Thank you for saying you simply can’t!

I’m an adult. I get it. Hello, resident of Planet Earth here — you can reach me Care of: Overwhelmed Nation.

I’m just happy to get a letter back!

You know who you are, you passive-aggressive motherfuckers.

“Oh, sorry, never got the email.” Or, worse, they just never reply — then you email again, text, and then the message is loud and clear.

I’ve had people AGREE TO HELP ME, say “thrilled to help!” and when I send the follow-up email, they’re gone. When I text, no reply. When I Facebook, I might as well be invisible.

You PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE MOTHERFUCKER.

(Ed. note: The above passage is aggressive-aggressive. Feels fucking great.)

Okay, so you’d rather flush the friendship than have the balls to say it’s not a good time? Yeah, screw you too, you lily-assed pussy.

Look, I asked for help because THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS DO. If you can’t help, SAY SO. It’s FUCKIN’ COOLIO, BRO.

If ANYONE gets being overwhelmed by life, cold-cocked by fortune, slapped-silly by suckage, IT’S ME. I wrote the book on it, took a pass on the t-shirt.

I don’t understand this whole trend if “If I pretend the email (and text then follow up email and voicemail) never came, then I’m off the hook.”

You can LIVE like that? Seriously? Were you bred to be an under-the-table crawler, he-who-hides-in-corners? What the fuck is that about? Wow, must suck to live in your skin.

Saying NO is the coolest thing anyone’s done for me the whole month. It’s honest, real, and refreshing.

If you don’t have the balls to say no, grow some, because anyone WORTH YOUR TIME will RESPECT YOU for it.

And the people who DON’T RESPECT A NO aren’t worth your time.

It’s really that simple.

There you go. Life lesson #302: NO is a good thing. At least it’s real.

But ask anyhow. All people can do is say no, and the ones who do, keep them around for the future, because you know they’ll be straight with you. The ones who say yes and deliver, keep them too. Everyone else, put on probation.

The ones who dick you around, they’re instantly disposable.

Truth, yo.

Damn Right, It Feels Good

I’ve been remiss in mentioning a book the publishers Rodale sent to me at the end of the summer. I usually turn down offers of free products because I hate feeling obligated when it comes to writing reviews afterward, but when the rep told me what Debby Herbenick’s book, Because it Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction was about, that Herbenick writes about sex from a psychological place as much as a how-to place, well, I was totally interested. Continue reading

So, How’d I Lose 70 Pounds? MY Weight-Loss Secret.

THIS POSTING’S DEDICATED TO ANYONE WHO THINKS THEY’RE STUCK BEING FAT. It’s not all hand-holding and gentle. I cut through the bullshit. You want your reality check? Start here. Oh, and I’m not selling a fuckin’ thing. I’m just trying to help you do what I’ve done, because it’s WORTH it.

I get a lot of people asking me how I lost my weight. Like there’s some magical store you can walk into, point, and say, “I know, I’ll do it THAT way.”

After a lifetime of being fat, trying shit, and finally figuring it out, you know what I think? There’s only one way to lose weight. Continue reading

Are You Askin’ Or Tellin’?

I had a private chat with chick on Twitter recently, and we spoke of men who’ve made rather over-the-top “requests” before first meetings with us.

Well, with her. I’ve never actually followed through with plans with any of those guys. But that’s how I roll. My Spidey senses are on the job 24/7.

I’ve been “dating” for forever. But, now and then, I toy with the idea of trying to find some simple, convenient, mostly-for-sex thingie with some worthy fella. It’s always a big fail, but I keep the search open.

Recently it involved chatting with a fellow that would’ve been remarkably convenient in the just-a-shag capacity, as he lived five blocks from my home. Continue reading

In The Wake of the Storm: Thoughts on Life

It’s the weeks where we feel beaten down before Monday begins that are the hardest to face, eh?

This morning’s rife with the turmoil of a good Pacific storm. A lot of wind and rain. As is usually the case, a good windstorm means a blue sky’s on its heels. I literally see both from my north-facing writing desk. Blue skies over the Pacific, charcoal over the inland. A torrent has just ended and the roads are filled with the splitter-splatter of cars racing through puddles, and roofs are dripping themselves dry.

It’s life. Damages come fast and fleeting. One minute we’re one way, the next, everything’s changed, oppressively so. The storm passes, we’re in a daze, but the reality is, we look around, nothing’s really changed.

That’s the trouble with troubles. Continue reading

Woe is You? Oh, ho! Woe is US!

I’m giving a few people a stay of execution on Twitter.

Soon, the unfollows will commence, as I seek to find new folks to fill my ADHD hours with.

Who’s in danger of getting the axe? Anyone who keeps whining.

See, I’ll bitch. Bitching’s good. I encourage rants and bitching. I even encourage being argumentative and incendiary. (Obviously. Look at me!)

But if all you’re doing is whining about how the latest inconvenience in your life is, well, an inconvenience, or you’re moaning about what a loser you are, or doing the whole existential pity-party “Why me?” bullshit, well, I could probably be filling my cyberspace better.

Why you? Because it’s your fucking turn. Like it was for me for 10 years. Because that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Because, for the REST OF YOUR LIFE, you will experience inconveniences, tragedies, and heartbreak. Because that’s life. Because it takes thick skin. Because you have to want it. Because you have to FIND the good shit in the middle of the tough shit. BECAUSE. Because. Continue reading