First, I want to explain how a few things work for all y’all, since I know sex-blog readers see these reviews all the time, and, personally, I see that 95% of them are positive, so I could understand how review-readers might skeptically dismiss us one and all as rabid sex-toy fans who love everything that comes our way.

What you need to understand is, there are a couple different ways sex toy companies operate. Some will contact bloggers and go, “Hey, want to review toys?” and when our broke asses reply, “Dude! Yeah! I need me some O’s!” they’ll send us a box of toys, it gets opened, and inside is a bunch of shit they couldn’t sell and now the poor sucker who opened the box is on the hook to review hundreds of dollars of piece-of-shit toys. I threw out the toys One Company To Remain Unnamed sent me a couple years back — they weren’t fit for my body, for reviews, for nothing.

There are two or three Big Companies, though, like VibeReview, who don’t operate under such stupid methodology, considering a sex toy isn’t just something you foist on someone. Instead, these better companies, like VR, they’ll say “Hey, wanna review toys? Choose what you like, and we’ll start there!”

So, instead of getting some random-ass box of toys to review, folks like me are lucky and we receive toys that we actually WANT to review. See how that works? Toys we WOULD buy are the toys we are sent, so, you know these are toys that are up our alleys, at the very least. Hence why we’re more likely to like than pan the products we receive.

Because, like you, The Purchasing Public, we too can log on to VibeReview, see that there’s 15 well-written four-star reviews that routinely have joyous glee peppered throughout, and think, “Hey, that looks good!”

Personally, I’ve been broke off my ass for a few years. Money’s not something I take lightly, and I take my reputation seriously, too, so I won’t be telling you to spend hard-earned dollars on toys I think aren’t worth it.

In short: We luck out, get sponsorship, and if we’re lucky, they send us a custom-ordered shipment of toys appropriate for us — our tastes, and our bodies — then we share our discoveries with you, and if you like what you see in our reviews and buy something by clicking through our review, we might even get a few bucks commission.

So, is that clear now? You get how this works?

Today’s pleasure-causing object for review? The Stubby G.

From the esteemed Fun Factory brand, The Stubby G’s a g-spot toy that delivers. It gets four-stars on its VibeReview page, and I think they’re well-earned.

This is one of those good-to-go toys that arrives with batteries and lube in the box. Once you clean it, you’re ready to rock.

I find that most toys who boast “ribbing” can be scoffed at quite easily. You’d think sex-toy makers thought every woman was the fairytale princess who could feel the pea under the stack of mattresses. “Oh! My lord! That microscopic ribbing will make such a difference in my orgasm! Yay for microscopic barely-there ribbing!”

Who’s kidding who? Most ribbing is pointless. NOT, however, on The Stubby G. I mean, lord, look at this thing! When you pull it out or push it in, imitating thrusting, you KNOW something’s moving in and out of you.

Which is kind of the point, isn’t it?

Its curve is perfect for angling up and questing for your g-spot, and it’s easy to rotate it for better contact. Outside, the fluted flange at the base provides great exterior stimulation, so when you’re in deep, you’re getting it in all the right places — on the g-spot, the clit, and everywhere in between — because the width and shape and design is just perfect for multi-pleasing fun.

The Stubby G is splash-proof, not waterproof, so you can toy about in the shower if you’re into waterplay, and is made of phthalate-free silicone so it’ll clean up well.

The vibrating power isn’t anything wildly new or different. But it’s strong. It vibrates. It’s a graduated dial, so you seamlessly move through the several varying speeds, instead of clicking through, and that’s always nice.

A word about the dial itself. There are women who write reviews lauding how great the dial is. Really? When I first opened The Stubby G, I liked the dial. I thought, “OH, that’ll be easy to turn and use during play!” because the flower design on the dial is slightly raised, so you think “cool, traction” for lube-y fingers, right?

Wrong. I found the dial sort of frustrating, myself, when my fingers were all covered with lube and I was trying to toggle through speeds. I had to figure out the grip. Since I sometimes have problems with my right hand where it might get sore or seize up after too much working out, I find the dial pretty frustrating with wet well-lubed fingers, which are generally the case when we girls have to take care of bizness. I found this could be easily dealt with by having a box of Kleenex by the bed or something.

All in all? Definitely a toy that’ll be living bedside in my Chosen Toys Box, for sure. Apparently I’m the only person who thinks Fun Factory dials can be improved, but hey. The rest of The Stubby G makes for good times, and that’s what we’re after. And it’s what I’ve certainly had in playing with this stubborn little G.

Let’s recap toys I’ve reviewed in the last while:

*I quite liked, and rated as a “buy”, the economy-priced cousin to the Rabbit, the “Lovely Rose”, and you can read my review here.
*Lelo’s Gigi is a toy I love (still!)– madly, truly, passionately, debauchedly. Read my review here. If you don’t own a Lelo toy yet, you DON’T know what you’re missing.

Click here for a VibeReview 10% off coupon that expires at election time, but can be used without limit until then!

                          

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From Emma’s Passion Garden comes the Dual Rose aka “The Lovely Rose.” Jesus, people. Fire the marketing department, because this toy deserves so much better. Really.

Nonetheless, when a guy was recently given the choice of what toy to invade my personal space with, this is the toy he thought looked most up to the job. 20 minutes later and we were both in agreement that his choice was a good one, and since the rest of the sexual encounter was a total waste of my time, I was pleased I’d had the foresight to give the bad loverman some tools toward pleasuring me.

The Dual/Lovely Rose is a Rabbit-type vibe that aims to give you a double-dose of the feelin’-goods.

Obviously I have a hard time getting past bad product names or lame packaging, and I felt that the Rose came with both. And that’s why I was so pleasantly surprised that the toy itself is actually quite good. I mean, it succeeds in getting my knees shaking.

I’ve checked out the reviews of this product on Vibe Review, one of the great reasons you should be checking their site out, and found that all the reviews sort of found the same things I did — that the design of the tapered, dare I say “blooming,” head of the vibe is a great saving grace. It’s narrower closer to the base, but the head is of a nice size. When you throw in the 360-degree rotation of the head, and the fact that you can reverse roatating directions, plus the reasonably powerful vibing action, and it’s a damned fine toy. It’s got wide clearance with a narrower shaft, so it hits a lot of really great happy spots on every turn. This is helped by the fact that the toy’s every so slightly tilted upwards on an angle in its “resting” position, by the way, so it’s intended for g-spot pleasure, too, and it succeeds handily.

Something I also like is The Rose’s easy touch-sensitive speed selection. I really think more sex toy makers need to ensure their hands and fingers are all covered with lube when they’re trying to adjust the speeds on their toys because I sure as fuck don’t find it easily done on some of these toys. Tragically, we have to get messy before playing, and it’d be nice if lubes didn’t get in the way of more fully exploring our toys. This one, however, is very easily adjusted with slippery fingers. So, thank you to Emma and her Garden for making this an easy one to toggle through speeds and modes with.

Speaking of speeds and modes: There’s three speeds of rotation in either direction, and all you need to do is push the middle button once and it’ll flip on the fly. (Unlike most men you know.) It also has three speeds of vibrating. But you can also opt for no vibrating, and just rotating, or vice versa, which is nice if you’re in a take-it-or-leave-it mood.

The thing really worth noting, though, is that this is one of the most affordable Rabbit-style vibes out there. It’s a great budget toy, since it comes in at about 30% cheaper than most of the other Rabbit-type vibes, but it’s really effective. I haven’t had the pleasure of using other Rabbit-style vibes (long story there) so I don’t know if the noise volume’s excessive or not, but it’s definitely more audible compared to single-stim non-rotating vibes, but that’s not a big shocker.

Much to my surprise, I think The Rose will be one of my go-to toys. The rotating’s powerful and effective, and the clit stimulation is highly effective. The trouble with the clit stim head is what’s also listed in all the VR reviews — that it’s not a very big clit-stim head and gives only regional clit stimulation instead of hitting all the pleasure spots all the time.

And what do I have to say about that? Well, I think that’s going to be a bigger problem for some women than others. Everyone’s body design is a little different. For me, this toy works well.

Even better? It’s waterproof. Not splash-proof, but water proof.

And even better? It’s phthalate-free.

So, if you’re looking for a budget vibe that does double-duty, is waterproof for bathtime playing, and is easy to operate and use? Go for the Lovely/Dual Rose . Ignore the stupid name, and go for it.

And, hey, I know it’s a cheap-enough toy already, given the stiff pricing of its competition, but why don’t you click here and use this coupon and save 10% off?

By the way, if you buy anything through Vibe Review (the Rose or anything else) by clicking on any of these links in this review, I’ll never know YOU bought anything, or what, but you’ll be putting money in my pocket. It’s like magic! You get happy, I get happy. Oh, my pockets would be so grateful.

                          

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The Gigi Pleasure Object could also have another name: “Your New Best Friend.”

This thing is to sex toys what the iPOD is to music. No, really.

Sure, you could go for the so-called five-speed turn-the-dial vibrators out there, or you could cross the threshold into the 21st century and try a vibrator powered by a microchip, that offers five incredible sensations, and each of those come in five different speeds. Oh, you have no idea.

But that’s only part of what I love, love, love about this toy. So, let’s slow down and break it down for a second:

Pluses:

Wow! What a beautiful thing to open. It comes in a simple wine-coloured box, and you slide that open and there’s a beautiful black box (no markings) in which sits this sophisticated, original “pleasure object”. Not only that, it comes with a gorgeous little white satin bag to keep it in. But the thing looks like art. Why put it away? (Because you want to protect it from dust and cooties, of course, silly.)

It’s rechargable. In fact, it has no removable batteries. It will charge completely in two hours and will give you 90 minutes of continuous playtime. This, and plenty of other great information comes in the User’s Manual. Like how speed #5 is for “before and after”. Yes, it’s a five-speed. And we love our five speeds, don’t we? But five SENSATIONS with five speeds each? Like, ohmigod!

The five “sensations” include: 1) your basic steady-ready solid vibrating found on every other vibe in the world — but that’s where the similarities end — 2) short but radiating and expanding pulses, 3) short and quick staccato pulses on rapid-fire, 4) steady vibrating with a rhythmic pounding throb overlapping it, and, my favourite, 5) a steady vibrating with radiating climaxing built in on a three-second repeating pattern (and it’ll blow your mind). Each of these five “sensations” can be ramped from from “merely there” vibrating to “shaking your knees” vibrating, because it’s seemingly powered by the same kind of microchip that makes your cellphone get so happy.

This is a seriously powerful, seriously smart sex toy. The touch control is one four-direction tab you can move up and down through the sensations, and side-to-side for the power/speed options.

One thing I love about the Gigi, too, is, when the battery’s still not charged, and you’re charging it, the touch control is illuminated with an LED light, and flashes once every second. Once it’s fully charged, it lights up solid. So, you’ll be able to walk back to the living room from the washroom and notice through your dark bedroom that your Gigi’s fully charged, and one thought about its vibing power, you’ll probably skip the rest of So You Think You Can Dance and spend a little girl time with Your New Best Friend.

The look of it, too, is awesome. It’s sleek, clean, pretty to look at, not too large, and if you did happen to leave it out, it’s not the kind of toy a friend’ll spot and you’ll have to cringe when they point it out. It’s tasteful looking. It’s modern design, modern art.

And this thing is light, girls. Once you take the batteries out of a toy like this, it is very, very light and easy to maneuver.

Negatives:

It’s small. It’s designed to look sleek and modern, so there are no “pleasure enhancing” ridges on it that have become standard on so many vibes. I’m waiting for the sex toy that is easier to handle controls on with lubed-up fingers slipping and sliding off it, but the Gigi’s not yet that toy.

It’s very solid, ie: hard, but because it’s a smaller toy, that’s not so much of a problem, plus it’s easier to clean as a result.

But… I had to think about this. Really.

Overall:

Can I tell you how much the environmentalist in me LOVES that no batteries are needed yet there are no annoying cords? It’s rechargeable, operated by a microprocessor, and so you can tell from across a dark room when it’s fully charged. It has stunning vibing options, five of ‘em, and they all come with five speeds.

This is amongst one of the most powerful vibes I’ve ever, ever seen, but its five speeds really do offer everything from merely there to damn-that-thing’s-quakin’ speeds that’ll get you melting.

This is one cool little toy to have, and absolutely worth a night in. If you spend only around $100 on sex toys this year? Spend it on Gigi. She’ll make sure you’re properly spent, in more ways than one.

                          

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My local postal outlet’s in a 7–11. So there I am, walking out with a box of orgasms under my arm, and everyone else has got a Slurpee. Hardy-fucking-har. Enjoy yourselves. Clearly different notions of wetting one’s whistle.

The box, of course, was just your basic brown cardboard box. Within, however, were six sex toys and a nice big bottle of Liquid Sex lube. Yep, prepared for all eventualities now. A very exciting experience, receiving more than one GOOD toy at once.

The folks at Vibe Reviews asked me if I’d be willing to play around and write some reviews for them. No real rules, I can say what I want, yet I get the toys for free, and that’s that.

Which is good, because when I’m broke off my ass and barely getting by on what I’ve got now, the last thing I can afford to splurge on, sadly, are orgasms. Besides, I’m rather adept at, urm, “knocking one out” the ol’ manual way.

So, free sex toys? Score! Yeah, sure, I can do dat.

What, pray tell, have my newest Santie Clauses sent me? Ooh, goodie! Well, let me give ya the rundown:

This is the Gigi, and I can’t wait to tell ya about it. No, really. This is the sex toy for the modern art fan, the lover of the iPod, and anyone who wants a little something “special” to turn to… rechargable lithium-ion battery inside, LED touch-pad… I giggle for the Gigi! It’s pictured here, but mine is purple, which makes me happy.

The Stranger II is waterproof, and was the first vibe I picked out in the bunch. Love that.

This is Vibe Review’s own Silver Bullet.

Based on the popular “Rabbit” type toys, the lamely-named Lovely Rose is a much more affordable toy for folks who actually know there’s a recession goin’ on.

The Stubby G aka G-Swirl is another Fun Factory product and is geared for those who want to play with their g-spots. Which means, like, every woman, doesn’t it?

I challenge your Hitachi Wand to a duel with my Miracle Massager! Except I also have the handy attachment for penetration, too.

Last, but not least, is The Sunflower which is designed by a woman for a woman, claims its makers, Doc Johnson. We’ll have a lookie-see at that, too, down the line.

Like I say, I’ll give you the lowdown on ‘em all, including negatives. I’ll start posting reviews at least weekly. So much work, so much! But I promise to put them through their paces, and you’ll be hearing from me soon. Methinks my Gigi should be charged right about now. Giggle! I can’t wait.

Nighty-night, minions.

                          

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An egg, an itty-bitty harmless egg came in my mail lately, and while awaiting its arrival, I began hatching a scheme for reviewing it.

Wireless remote, I thought. Why, that means, have egg, will travel. But travel to where, I thought?

Well, I’d insert the bad little egg and I’d take on the world, I thought. I’d zip downtown, egg in use, scootin’ through the masses. But I’d remove the battery from the remote for the scooter ride downtown. I mean, really, like you wouldn’t want that thing going off on the main drag.

“But, Bob, I think that woman on that little scooter is having an orgasm. Oh! She is. Oh, my…”

Bob veers sharply to the left, killing the granny in the passenger seat of the Caravan. No, we would avoid tragedy today. Battery, out.

So, on a perfect early spring day: Beach volleyball. Shirtless men. Sand. Sun.

I found myself a comfy spot on the sand, took in the view, and got cracking.

Yes, it’s a bad little egg, but I’m a fan. This summer, my outdoors life just got a whole lot more entertaining.

And, hey, who says loverman can’t get me off in a crowded room, huh? This is the kind of toy made for outdoors, made for indoors, but the wireless remote control means things can get fun not only for me, but for he who wields the remote, while the fun’s still private.

Oh, wireless, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. “Quiet and discreet.” Oh, indeed.

(The only way I’d like this better is if it were multispeed. But, then, multi could get mighty annoying if it were, in fact, some party setting where your loverman was playfully controlling the remote, and you’re there trying to schmooze with some big-wig. Loverman’s flicking through speeds like a kid with ADHD. Can you imagine? “And yes, the product launch was more successf.… errr… um, well, more successful than we — oh! I’m sorry, it must be the shrimp. Oh, DEAR. I think I need to take a moment. I’ll be right back.”

                          

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