Tag Archives: Advice

Q&A: My Girlfriend Won’t Fuck Me Anymore

I get a lot of emails from readers from time to time, and for some reason, this past week has been filled with emails. Some are easy answers, some are ones I don’t want to tackle, some involve giving instruction (which I dislike doing, so I take my time), and some are just total mind-fucks, like this one.

The long and the short of it is a bit complicated, and due to privacy concerns, I don’t want to quote his email directly. Let’s call him Jimi, since he sounds like the rockstar type.

When he and his girlfriend got together, they had wild marathon sex constantly. He couldn’t get enough of her and it seemed to be mutual. He’s a guy with a sex drive in overdrive, and having a partner who’s into sex as much as he is happens to be a pretty major consideration when committing. He thought he had that in this woman.

She changed, suddenly, when her father had a heart attack. It turns out that she was raised Catholic, and in this moment of crisis, she turned to God and made a vow that, if her father was to live, she would abstain from sex until marriage.

Although he neglects to mention, I’m pretty sure the father lived, because Jimi hasn’t been getting laid much in the last two years. He’s in love with the girl, so he’s taking this in stride, but after two years of little happening, he’s nearing breaking point. Don’t get this wrong, she’s been getting her orgasms. He pleasures her orally, etc, and occasionally they “slip” and have sex, which is always good, but he says that, since she vowed God she’d abstain, he finds himself embroiled in guilt after they’ve finished. While he does non-intercourse things to satisfy her, it seems she doesn’t return the favours. Not very democratic, eh?

His dilemma is, how does he proceed? Does he marry her? Does he break up? Does he confront her? Honestly, fuck if I know.

Here’s the deal: Catholicism is a life-long all-ages ticket to ride the guilt train. You cannot possibly understand the absolutely overbearing sense of guilt and fear that is bred into you when you’re raised Catholic unless you’ve been exposed first-hand. Trust me, I not only drank the Kool-aid but spent 10 years in Catholic school, going to mass probably 5 times a week for 60% of that time. Guilt has been a lifelong struggle for me. It does not ever go away, as far as I can tell thus far.

And I understand the absolute horror of knowing your parent could die. I was far closer to my mother than I am to my father, and even so, when my father nearly suffered a stroke last year, I was terrified.

Religion, as we’ve all heard, is a crutch. Take that as you like, but when it comes down to difficult times, religion’s a pretty easy thing to lean on to get you through. Adversity is hard on all of us, but having a creed that tells you everything’s gonna be all right after the dying of the light somehow makes it easier to get through, regardless of how much you live your life according to the faith.

That said, I’ve made my own vows to God. I can’t remember what I promised then, but I remember being in the shower and just knowing with absolute certainty my mother was going to die, and promising God I’d behave better, be more moral, give up drugs, whatever the fuck I promised, if only she’d live.

She died. I was off the hook – literally and figuratively. I descended into a few years of craziness and here we are now. If she’d lived, I’m pretty sure my life would be a world away from where it is now, whether I liked it or not. That’s the price you pay when you promise God to behave better, and you secretly believe in His wrath, thanks to the upbringing you’ve been dealt.

Girlfriend made her vow, and now she’s struggling to keep it. The question is, where does that leave Jimi?

Between a rock and a hard place.

I’m a firm believer that, whatever you enter a relationship for – their looks, their personality, their sex drive – that you are, essentially, entitled to a reasonable expectation that that status quo will continue. If their sex drive dries up overnight, you have reason to be concerned about the future of your relationship. If they gain 60lbs, you have every right to be upset about the change in your lover. If they become moody and morose and give you no reason to enjoy spending time with them, you have cause to be concerned. It’s not selfish – it’s simply expecting your partner to live up to the terms of the agreement; that they are the person you fell for, and will continue to be that person, or will at least change in ways that are congruent to who they were at the time of the initial hook-up.

In the restaurant business, one of the “rules” for success is, you’re only as good as your last service. In relationships, we all go through rough patches, but the immediate past is the part that’s most relevant to the present, not the good times that were had five years past. Problems emerge, solutions need to be found, and life can hopefully continue. But if you’ve gone and changed the rules of the relationship without cluing in your lover, you are establishing grounds for dismissal.

Relationships go two ways. Agreements and communication and compromises are the lifeblood of any good relationship. If you have adversity and need to change how you’re acting in the relationship, you need to discuss that with your lover, otherwise, they have good reason for leaving you. It’s really that simple.

So, Girlfriend’s withdrawn the sex that made her so desirable. Fortunately, she still has personality and a lot to offer. The question is, can Jimi handle living a life with less sexual promise? That depends on him. She’s essentially notched herself down from love interest-non-pareil to friend with occasional benefit.

Her motivations for doing so may be questionable to the rest of us. Who knows, maybe Jimi can solve his problems over Bloody Marys and a little rat poisoning during a tete-a-tete with the father, but something tells me that, one way or the other, he needs to come to terms with the fact that his lover had no problem making a decision that impacted both of their lives in a dramatic way. Instead of turning to him for support, she turned to God. Not that I’m saying turning to God is a bad thing, I’m just saying Jimi should have been consulted before she decided the future of their relationship without his input.

And when she decided sex was no longer on the menu, she should have done the right thing and said, “This will change things between us, and while I can live with that, you need to decide if you can.”

The facts are, Jimi, pretty simple: She has changed, whether you want to understand why or not. She made a major decision without consulting you. She handles stress, clearly, in less than practical ways. She withholds sex either to punish herself or punish you, whether the eyes of God are watching or not. If things haven’t changed back to what you call normalcy yet, you need to accept that they may not ever change. She has a reason to explain away her lack of interest in sex now, and if you marry, who’s to say she won’t find a new reason then?

Your relationship is only as good as the recent past has been. We can’t go into our Way Back machines and remember fondly the way it usedta be, because the facts are, it is what it is, and you have to go with the averages.

Am I telling you to walk? No. I’m telling you to be realistic. Will she change back to the girl of old? Who fucking knows. Is that a gamble you’re willing to stake your sexual future on? Who fucking knows. Can you justify cheating on her to get what you need while she figures herself out again? No. Not for a second.

So you have a choice to make. You want to hold on to the memories of how it used to be and might one day be again, or do you want to live in the moment and experience life as it unfolds? You decide.

You could always let her know exactly why you’re going through so much emotional turmoil over this, and tell her you’ve been patient, you’ve tried to understand, but that she ultimately changed the rules of the game without telling you, and you’ve never had the option to choose – but now you’re making that choice, and you’re around if she decides you’re worth changing her mind about that vow, but for now, you need to discover yourself again.

Either way, you’re in a shitty situation. I feel sympathy for her, but she’s up against a mighty powerful religion that really, really fucks with your conscience. That, I know first-hand. Good luck, dude.

Oy vey, you searched for what?

This one sounds really innocuous, until you start thinking of the implications of language. In reviewing my webstats just now, I came across someone who landed on me via this search string:

“How do I position myself when having sex with my honeymoon partner?”

Honeymoon partner. Wow. Bet that’ll be an unbridled night of torrid passion. Honeymoon partner. Not lover, not mate, not even spouse. Honeymoon partner.

One should make love on a honeymoon, don’t you think? Not “have sex”? Unfortunately, I don’t know what page they landed on, since I’m too cheap to pay for a full stats package and the info switches over too quickly. Sigh.

If you can’t call the person you’re about to supposedly spend the rest of your life with your lover, you might want to double-think those vows. Lover. I absolutely love having a lover. Not just a boyfriend or a partner or whatever, but a lover. Doesn’t it just roll off the tongue? Don’t you get a little hot just thinking of the word? Isn’t it almost… tasty?

But having sex with a honeymoon partner? I mean, it sounds like there’s gonna be a chaperone standing in the corner, throwing out coaching lessons as they go.

“No, no. To the left. The left. There you go… right. Now again. Again. Deeper. Oh, come on, do it like you mean it. Deeper. Yep! That’s the ticket. Let’s have some more of that! Fabulous. You’re almost getting the hang of… oh, slippage. What a shame. Just when you were fulfilling your potential, too! All right, let’s try that again. From the top.”

Sigh. And this is why people need to stop overthinking things and go more with their feeling. Life’s too short to be clinical.

Advice for Young Lovers

The sun was rising by 6a.m. this morning, and spring seems to be all around. A comment was left by an 18-year-old male, and I thought about when I was 18, the first time I made love, and how disappointed I was. I thought about the things I wish I’d been told back then. These are them.

Everyone tells you not to rush things. As a female, this is doubly true. Men can begin having sex younger and have positive results sooner, provided they know what they’re doing, but for women, more than 30% will not orgasm until well past their 20th birthday.

The best advice anyone can ever tell you about sex is this, it’s not about the orgasm.

Sex is about cartography and geography. Sex is literally the lay of the land. It’s about discovering your partner’s body – all of it. It’s about knowing how he or she reacts when you kiss the back of their knees, what favourite odd spots on their bodies you can suck and bite and have them shudder senselessly.

It’s about being in the moment, reacting to every little thing your lover does, either vocally or physically. It’s forgetting about end results and expectations. It’s here, now, and nothing more, regardless of what you might wish to make of it.

Sex is a language, and like any language, it takes time to learn the subtleties that distinguish an amateur from a master. Like any language, one can spend their entire lives improving their abilities and exploring ways to use the words. Writers become greater as their lives extend, orators become more powerful every speech they deliver. So too do lovers command skill as time passes.

Women take longer to identify with their sexual selves. As a young male lover, you need to be brave enough to talk to your woman before you have sex. You have to make a pact to tell each other when something feels comfortable or not, you need to express your fears and apprehensions, and if you have boundaries, you must state them, and they must be respected. You need to never take it personally when something’s not working. It’s biology, not you.

Women also take longer to be aroused. If she isn’t wet, she’s likely not aroused*. You could use lubricant, but then you would be jumping the gun. If she ain’t feeling it, honey, it ain’t happening. The more aroused you make her, the more you’ll realize how awesome it feels to take someone to that place. Take the time to really make a journey of it.

As a young female lover, you must lower your expectations. At first, things might hurt, but then they begin to feel incredible, if your lover has skill. Think of it as getting your ears pierced. Sex, like wine and blue cheese, can sometimes be an acquired taste for a young woman, but you need to get past the fear and apprehension. If you don’t feel like you can trust your lover, then you have no business sleeping with him.

In no place in our lives is trust more important than between us and our lovers.

You have to trust that if you said, You can do anything you’d like to me, that they would know where to stop.

You have to be patient. You have to know that the best sex of your life will not come until after the age of 25, if not after the age of 30. You have to know that sex is the physical manifestation of emotion. It’s spontanaeity, need, desire, passion, love, lust, curiousity, creativity, and eagerness balled up into one experience. It can be overwhelming when it’s great, and for new lovers, that can be intimidating and shut you down. Do not be afraid of the feelings, let go. Embrace it.

Making love is the physical act of making yourself vulnerable. When it comes to day to day life, we tend to try to avoid vulnerability. We do everything we can to not reveal our fears and failures to others. When making love, there’s nothing you can hide. It’s all there. You might as well give in to the moment and embrace the exposure vulnerability brings with it.

As you grow up, you realize the old cliché is true. If it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger. The more you’re able to make yourself vulnerable in everyday life, the richer your relationships of all kinds shall be, the deeper your experiences with others will be. Perhaps you’ll be hurt easier more often, but the depths and richness of other relationships will far exceed the pale of a cautiously lived life. So too with sexual experiences. The more you trust each other and open up, the greater the sexual reward.

I’m old-fashioned and I don’t believe people should have sex until they’re 18 or so. I’m a pragmatic person, though. Whenever I do something new, I educate myself about it. I read everything I can, I learn what I need to learn, and I do what I need to do, and I do it well. The only time that didn’t happen was with sex, as I first slept with a lover at 17. As time went on, I educated myself and learned more. It changed everything for me.

The best thing you can do is head to your local independent bookstore that focuses on psychology and sexuality and scour the sexuality section for a book that speaks in a language that you relate to. Then, learn about the biology of the human form, not just what the bits and pieces are called, but how they will respond to your touch. I think it’s better to do this in a bookstore because there’s so much misinformation and opportunism on the web. Just my two cents.

But don’t take the authors’ word for what makes great sex & great loving. Take your lovers’ word. Every person’s body responds differently to touch, and you absolutely must know from your lover what is or is not working for them. You cannot just assume what you’re doing is working, since that twitch or shudder may be from discomfort. Ask. Let them tell you what they feel about what you’re doing, and again, do not take it personally.

It’s not about you. It’s about them. Never forget that.

If you cannot speak about sex with your partner, then your communication on everything else will be shit as well. You must be able to express what you want and need, because these are the things that are true to your core. If you cannot express these things, then what of any consequence, I ask, can you ever express?

And when you learn to be patient, to communicate, to react to each other, to trust each other, then you will be on the road to reaching sexual satisfaction together.

Don’t forget, it’s nice to feel pleasure yourself, but it’s incredible to know you’re providing it for another. Learn to enjoy the experience of giving, since that’s what separates the good lovers from the great: Generosity.

*There are SOME women with lubrication difficulties who sometimes never really emit the same signs of arousal as another woman might, so again, communicate and follow the signs. Does she look like she wants more of you? Does she look ready to take it a notch further? Use your powers of deduction, Sherlock. Better yet? Ask.

Fishies: Wake up and smell the pheromones

I’ve been on a masturbation writing tear, and I’ve got more to say about it, too, from a couple different points of view, and both will be a little tricky to say just exactly what I want to say, so I’m biding my time on those – but later this week, they’ll be up.

In the meantime, I apparently opened a can of worms when I posted the rant found below without having the add-on disclaimer at first. I agree, it might’ve been a little harsh for some of the men in my audience. I stand by what I say, though, because it applies to a good deal of men who are oblivious to appeasing their partners’ needs.

But what about the women, then? All right, to the women we go, then.

Everyone has heard the phrase, “She lies there like a dead fish.” This is where you got to realize that stereotypes and clichés exist for a reason. You can get all huffy and say, “That’s not polite!” but hey, the truth hurts.

If you’re lying there, and do nothing but a little groping and kissing, as your man does his thing, you have NO right to complain about lousy sex. You have no right to say he doesn’t know how to get you off. You have not one iota of justification to piss or moan – at all.

Sex is only good when both partners get involved, when both partners do what it takes to appease the other. If you’re one of the Dead Fish among the female population, then you’re doing a few things:

  • Making the rest of us have to make the stereotypes go away so that it’s known that sexy, vivacious women who like to get hot and heavy do in fact exist.
  • Making the rest of us feel like rock stars because we leave the men quaking in our wake, after they’ve been stuck with underwhelming partners before they happened on us.
  • Causing your sex life to be as unfulfilling as it is.
  • Denying yourself the knowledge of how bloody incredible it is to discover your inner vixen.

The interesting thing about both male and female lovers who are unfulfilling for their partners is they have two things in common: Ignorance* and laziness.

But it’s a lot more than that when it comes to the chicks. So many chicks have so many hang-ups. I’ve talked about it before, becoming that “vixen” I’ve mentioned means learning to accept that saucy behaviour in the bedroom doesn’t mean you’re some morally compromised individual – particularly if you’re behaving in that way while in a relationship.

Women get terrified, sometimes, of behaving “badly” in the name of feeling “good,” because they know their boyfriends/husbands/lovers feel that there are certain qualities in their women that they absolutely adore – how kind they are, all of that. A lot of women can’t come to terms with being that character-filled individual, and then being a sexually skilled “bad girl” in the bedroom. They don’t realize that it’ll usually enhance the relationship, not hurt it.

But seriously, girls, get the hell over yourselves. Don’t assume you know how your man’s gonna react. Show him the respect of letting HIM decide how he feels about such a notion.

The fact is, you’re having bad sex in part because you refuse to do your part of the job. If you spice it up, odds are damned good your man’s desire will up in quantities you couldn’t have imagined. Even in the boring old missionary position you can spice things up by wrapping your legs around his waist and clenching your vaginal muscles with every thrust and digging your nails in his buttcheeks or something. If you encourage him to take different positions, that’ll help, too. Here, go to this site and take a look at all the pretty pictures, and then promise yourself you’ll try a few. Oh, and if it makes you all tingly, don’t hesitate to touch yourself as you look’em over.

Every position changes the sensation. If you’ve never orgasmed, and you don’t masturbate, and you’ve never tried any of these positions, it’s no wonder you’re a lousy lover. Sex isn’t something that’s just instantly good when you add one genital to another. It takes skill, spontanaeity, a willingness to try new things, a dedication to educating yourself, it needs a level of fitness, specifically endurance, and a commitment to being open and honest with your lover.

And most of all, it needs a voice. You need to express your wants, your desires, and most importantly, your concerns and/or fears. If you’re not comfortable talking to your lover, nothing’s gonna ever reach a plateau for you. Conversations about sex can be as arousing as any kind of touch or tease you do. Sitting there on the couch with a lover and talking about all matters of sex – and not touching each other – can be a really arousing kind of foreplay. Then, you do everything you talked about, and it’ll be hotter than it’s been before, guaranteed. The conversation as foreplay was one of my earliest sexual lessons, and transformed me as a lover. And now, here I am.

Your first step is being comfortable touching your own body. Once you do that, you have to start taking chances with positions, props, whatever. But you got to come to play, baby.

Otherwise, you deserve the lack of orgasms, the lack of passion.

There ARE men who will not respond to a vixen, and don’t let anyone tell you different. There are men who are intimidated by a strong lover. They’re uninspired, they’re not confident, they’re not willing to do what it takes to appease you, and you will need to decide if an unfulfilling sex life is something you can live with. I’d vote no, but hey. When it comes to lovers like that, I like to remind folks that our actions speak volumes about our character. An unwillingness to really learn how to please your lover is indicative of hang-ups, pettiness, insecurities, whatever, but it’s indicative that something is off, and don’t forget it — after all, it’s indicating the same thing about you. You really want that?

It can be hard transitioning to a sex goddess, but hey, the view’s great from that lofty perch, baby.

I think everyone – EVERYONE – needs to read good books on how to perform sexually. Hey, worked for me. For the women out there, most decent sized cities have women-only bookstores. Check’em out. You’ll be surprised what you can learn just by visiting their sexuality sections. Sure, you can order books online, but it’s better to examine ‘em in real life. Better yet, ask a qualified clerk for help. I was very generous back when I worked in a bookstore, and just loved having a woman come back a month later to thank me. One brought me flowers, once.

The last word? There’s too damned many women who think that lying on their backs is all it takes to have sex. It’s selfish, it’s boring, it’s uninspiring, and it’s flat-out wrong. Sex, done right, is an incredible experience that is seldom surpassed in life. Don’t you want a ticket to ride?

*Ignorance is defined as:
The condition of being uneducated, unaware, or uninformed.

My Take on The Fuckable Friend

I was asked a while back to address the issue of The Fuckable Friend. You’ve been friends for years. You tell each other everything. Now it seems like sex could be a fun indoor sport to play with each other. And hey, with winter coming on, don’t we all need more of those?

We’ve all had those friendships — the ones where innuendo comes up far too often for our comfort. But it’s just so darn fun, that innuendo.

I personally have always caused grief in my friendships that way. I really enjoy the toying, but it’s become a problem a few times in the past. It has never worked out, regardless of how great the sex was. (And it always was. Can’t beat “friend sex.”)

The important thing about fucking a friend is this: If it works, are you ready for a commitment?

Fact is, if the sex is on, the friendship is on, then you’ve got no excuse to avoid a commitment, have you? What a great predicament to be in… a fuckworthy friend you can tolerate in the morning. Stop the presses. Ride that ride a while and see where it takes you.

One of the wonderful things about having sex with a friend is that you’ll be able to laugh about it without having to apologize. You have that synergy where you’re both in on the joke. The thing that sex with a friend always tends to offer is the ability to have fun and be intimate simultaneously while fucking.

“Yeah, but isn’t that what having sex is?” Well, most of the time, not really. How many of us can truly say we’ve been involved with our best friend? It’s a pretty rare experience. But sex with friends offers that rare look at true fun intimacy.

If you can get over how fucking weird it is to be schtupping your friend, that is.

Odds are, you’ve had all those great accidental “friend” moments. The bad burps, the stupid things said, the idiocy displayed, the utter humiliation, the total hurt. And it was always okay, easy to handle, ‘cos you were always just friends. It was voluntary.

Now, though… choice is the first thing to go. It becomes obligation, and that can be a real problem. You sit there and think, “Oh, I wouldn’t be that petty.” It ain’t petty, it’s human nature. Few of us are conditioned to like other people having any control over our lives. It’s asking a lot.

Let’s put this simply: It’s really, really, really hard finding good friends… And it’s so fucking easy to lose a lover… But loving a friend can be a truly awesome experience, and sometimes that’s worth the risk.

If you’re gonna take that risk, you need to be able to commit to ‘em if it works out. Otherwise, you’ll not only lose a lover, but a friend. Will I fuck a friend again? Current selection, no. But I wouldn’t rule the behaviour out in the future, either. Will not rule it out.

It’s always been fun, and the friends I’ve lost, well, one is regrettable. The others are still worth a smile. Good people, but expendable. Incredible sex.

There aren’t many friendships able to overcome a not-right-for-a-relationship, but-let’s-still-be-friends foray into fucking. Most of the ones that do try to resume the friendship will invariably realize how strange it has become after the sex. You don’t feel comfortable talking about crushes, you avoid movies with sex scenes in them, you get awkward talking about physical problems. It’s a lesser, less fulfilling version of your old relationship, fraught with stilted strangeness and abbreviated exchanges.

The few and the far between are in fact able to transcend all that shit and become stronger friends as a result of it. What lucky bastards.

Do you fuck your friend? Your call. Your gamble. If you secretly think, “I bet she’d still be fun in five years, and man, I never get sick of hanging around her…” then maybe sex might be the way to get something real started.

Or it might just be a great lay.

Just so long as you know the cost.

I’m sure that if I asked, my wonderful readers could share some of their experiences on the matter with you, as well. Have at ‘im, kids.

The Guide to Turning Them Off

We’ve all been there. Someone approaches us at a party, their eyes go all neon “F-u-c-k   m-e,   p-l-e-a-s-e.” They hang onto us. They flirt. They harass. Most importantly, they annoy. Oh, fuck, do they annoy.

And sometimes it seems that no matter how you try, they just don’t get the fucking hint.

Maybe you need to actively cause them to be disinterested in you. Here are some tried and true methods:

  • Whenever they try to make you laugh, snort. Loudly.
  • Every time he says something about his life, say, “Oh, my ex-boyfriend did that, too. Funny.” Sigh, shake your head, and insert negative factoid, ie: “I still have the restraining order.”
  • The all-time “a”-list: Spill your drink on them, and don’t offer to help clean it up. (Give yourself 5 points if you’ve spilled your drink on someone you actually liked, and still managed to seduce them for that first time that very same night. Fun, huh?)
  • Roll your eyes. Often. Dramatically. And if you need more, scoff quietly and shake your head after you roll your eyes. Snicker if necessary.
  • Men, you can just simply stare at her breasts. Paste a little grin on and just look at the twins, and every time she asks you a question, stay with the twins and just nod or shake your head, still grinning. Warning: This approach could incur the wrath of the slap.
  • Girls, you can just look at his crotch, gush, and say, “Aww. It looks so cute. Reminds me of my brother.”
  • Lean into them, sniff, and say, “What’s that smell?” Just like grade school? Yep! And just as fun!
  • Mention casually that, “My therapist wants to increase our sessions, and maybe my meds, too.” Now twitch.
  • Cock your head to the side and ask, “Have you been saved yet?” (My favourite answer: “No, just discounted.”)
  • Query them, “Do I smell funny to you? I’ve been having a persistent personal odour issue, and I’m hoping I may have finally found a remedy.”
  • “Did you know that your aura has three sub-categories?”
  • And there’s always my favourite, the classic “Fuck you. Now go away.”
_______________

It’s a shame that more people don’t have fun actively causing the opposite sex to be disinterested. It’s really quite enjoyable. Plus, you save them the hassle of being interested in you. Life’s easier for all, and you get the fun therapy that comes from being a blatant dick/twat for a limited time.

What more can you really ask for?