Tag Archives: q&a

You asked? Cock Rings

Chelsea Girl requested that I address the issue of cock rings. So, here goes.
Once upon a time, in Middle Earth, a Hobbit named Frodo went on a quest to destroy the One Ring that would rule them all… Err. Well. Okay, different ring.
A cock ring is a blood-flow restrictor for the penis. Cock rings are the original penis-enlargement procedures. So, for starters, there’s the size-increasing bonus plan that the rings provide. The real benefit, though, comes in the fact that the trapped blood causes the penis to require more stimulation in order to come. (And when you do come, one word: gusher.)
What does that result in? More playtime (for most men — read on). A longer-lasting, new, improved loverman with a harder cock and the ability to go for a little while longer. It’s a great toy, particularly for those wanting more marathonish experiences in the bedroom.
How does it work? Simple. A cock ring wraps around the very base of the shaft (with or without the testicles, depending on the type/size of ring used), which traps blood in the upper regions of the cock. If you want a see-for-yourself experiment, just wrap an elastic band around your finger. If you find the right amount of snugness, not only does your finger get a little larger and a little stubbier, it can also get more sensitive to touch. (Which is problematic for premature ejaculators, who may not be able to handle a cock ring, but there are men who are less sensitive, too, with cock rings, so it’s a user-specific experience.)
If you’re a guy and you’re nervous about putting on a cock ring and then imploding sooner than you want to, then I suggest trying it out during your Sunday morning masturbation routine as you get to know Jenna Jameson a little better, or something.
Now, I don’t know about using a hair scrunchy in the Loverman-Improvement-Plan, but go on ahead and try it, if that’s all you got kickin’ around the house tonight. Finding the right cock ring can be a challenge, since too much restraint can cause injury to the bad boy, and too tight a ring might prove a bitch to get removed.
(Just imagine that visit to the hospital emergency room, eh?)
Cock rings come in all sizes and any number of different materials and designs. You can get a nice leather strap with a clasp, very adjustable, and very safe, and every bit as good as any other ring. You can get a leather strap with a number of snaps on it, allowing for any number of girths, also a great, safe approach.
You can get metal rings, plastic rings, rubber rings, and they all need to often be sized for your shaft’s width. A little trickier, I’m afraid. You can get funky ones with mini vibes attached that offer clitoral stimulation during the sex act.
It really comes down to your personal style and what just feels right for you. Some rings are all flash, and that’s fine, but it’s pretty unnecessary. Some rings are a feat of engineering since they have elaborate designs that can do everything from tugging and restraining the balls to clamping off the shaft, and even clamping your nipples at the same time. Clearly the latter design’s for those who’ve ridden all the smaller rides in the park and are looking for a little more bang for the buck.
Experts recommend that a cock ring shouldn’t be too tight (for seemingly obvious reasons) and shouldn’t be left on for more than 20 minutes, definitely not more than 30. Now you’re thinking, “well, why not apply it during the act and really prolong our experience?” Nice thinking, but a guy’s got to be flaccid or only semi-hard to apply these bad boys.
If it’s a new experience for you, don’t use metal rings. It’s advisable to use adjustable or stretchable cockrings, since this is one experience you don’t want to have go bad because you’re bad at judging your size.
Cock Ring Emergencies: You got ballsy and decided to try a metal cock ring, and now it’s stuck ‘cos your billy stick got too big to remove the bastard? Fill the tub with COLD water and sit in it. In a couple minutes you’ll be happier about experiencing shrinkage than you’ve ever been, and you should be able to get it off. If not, you’re going to the emergency room, kids.
Cheap tricks: Why pay $20 for three rubber cock rings when you can spend $3 at a hardware store for the same product, sans packaging and spin?
Wanna read some guys’ accounts of using cock rings? Go here.

Sexual Q& A: Water, Anyone?

A lovely female reader emailed me and asked me to keep her anonymous, but wanted to know the truth behind sex in the water. Does it enhance the experience?
STEFF RESPONDS:
I don’t know. I’ve never really gone there. I’ve had guys crash my bath and the feeble attempts at sex were laughable, since the tubs have always been too small. I’ve never had a decent sized tub, so why bother with a tub?
I mean, seriously, the last thing I need is my head knocking against a tile wall and my neck ramming against the stupid lip of the tub. Ergo, stay the fuck out and let me play with myself. I have plans for you later. Behave, and you’ll get your reward.
Sex in the shower, I’m so there. Lather me up and watch me go.
But sex in a body of water (ocean, lake, pond) has never been opportune, and sex in a pool, well, if that opportunity arises, I’m in like you wouldn’t believe.
But in wondering about the question, I thought I’d do some research.
Now, before we go further, let this be known: there are a lot of condom-integrity issues with sex in the water. Obviously we want to play safe. But if you’re in a safe, committed relationship where you’re both negative, those issues clearly won’t matter to you. There are other points below that will be relevant to you, too, though, so please read on.
It goes without saying, colder water temperatures are not conducive to stiffies staying stiff. You might as well just bid the hard-on goodbye, unless he’s some iron man who washes with Cheer for better cold-water performance or something.
Another problem is that of vaginal lubrication. You’ll be needing to search out a non-water soluble lube in order to do your aquatics routine, and lube will certainly be necessary, regardless of whether you require it in your regular sexual antics. A single bout of playing with your clit in the tub will prove that to you. (One small part of why I like oil baths. Mostly, it’s to have nice skin, of course.)
But you can’t do the oil-in-water during safe sex since the oil will seriously compromise your condom, possibly causing it to tear or break.
All right, back to the drawing board. What next, then?
Well, let’s say you’ve found yourself a wonderful non-soluble lube and you’re good to go exploring in, say, a swimming pool. Great! You’ve got the condoms, some nice umbrella-laden bevvies, and it’s game on.
Or is it? By hopping in that there pool, you’ve effectively stripped the condom’s spermicidal properties. Damn it! Foiled again. Even if the spermicide’s not a big concern for you, there’s the very increased likelihood of the condom either slipping off or ripping, again because of submersion and also the chlorination.
But I’ve saved the worst for last. Let’s say it’s a blissfully warm summer’s eve and there’s the smell of honeysuckle dancing in the air and a full moon, and no one but no one is by the beach this evening. You get that creative notion of sex in the water, and why not? No one’s around, life is quiet. Opportunity’s knocking.
Except for that small problem of parasites, bacteria, and organisms that are thriving in the water. Swimming is fine, but the whole forceful act of sex ensures that these micro-organisms that would normally never find their way up the vaginal tract will not only enter it, but will be thrust high up it, leading to any one of an array of vaginal infections.
(And those probabilities increase drastically in lakes and ponds, girlies.)
It sounded like such a good idea, didn’t it? Sadly, no.
So, really, if you’ve got a nice big soaker tub and you’re on the pill and you know you’re in a safe relationship, I say have at ‘er. If it’s a casual relationship and you don‘t mind rolling the dice with a less effective condom, then that’s great, too.
Otherwise, you might want to think twice.
As for enhancing the experience itself, let’s ask the rest of the school kids since my experiences could only be summed up as “feeble” and “headache-inducing.” Anyone able to testify on this? I’m particularly interested in hearing from women since they’re the ones who’ll be getting the raw end of the deal with the lube issues. What say you, kids? Is the aquatic givin’ gettin’ good?

Sexual Q & A: Threesomes


Tonight’s topic? Menage a trois.
HERMES ASKS: Threesomes?

STEFF ANSWERS:
Oh, my. I’ve never really given threesomes a lot of thought. No guy I’ve been with has ever brought the topic up or asked if I’d be willing. So, I’m going to just run with my train of thought here. Bear with me.
So, have I? No.
Would I? I think so. Depends on the extra wheel.
The “extra wheel” stipulation brings us to the dilemma of two guys versus two girls… Which brings us firstly to the dilemma of anal.
I’ve done anal, not just once, and didn’t enjoy it (painful, awkward). Maybe it was the guy, I don’t know. I’d probably try it again in the future since my attitude towards things has been expanding quite a bit in the last year or so, if the right partner came along. I stress the latter. (It’s also a size-dependent issue, if you get my drift.)
But going at it with two guys would probably be better suited if I was a fan of anal. Given that I’m not, I don’t think I’d go that way. I once thought I’d be into two guys. I’m not sure when that shift occurred, but it did, and now I think otherwise, and have for a while now.
I think part of it might be the occasional male attitude towards sex. The fuck-me-hard, fuck-me-now, let-me-access-all-of-you bullshit that can wear thin. I’m not that kinda girl, not in plural, anyhow.
I have seldom ever heard a male account of a two-guys-one-gal threesome that didn’t sound like it belonged in some pulp porn movie. It always winds up sounding like she’s some whore who got fucked silly. Whatever turns your crank. It don’t turn mine.
I’m not orgiastic about sex. I’m passionate, driven, curious, sensual, open, creative, and exploratory, and though I can be a dirty girl, it’s not a defining characteristic of mine. I’m more mischevious, devilish, and playful than I am filthy, though I can talk dirty with the best of ’em (and do).
I haven’t come to that point where I can reconcile with the idea of whoring myself in any kind of capacity that leaves me wishing I’d had more self-respect the next day. Maybe I will be able to reconcile that one day, but I’m not holding my breath.
So, for me, sex is very passionate, very emotional, very sensual, and not something I usually take lightly, which is why I’m not promiscuous. When I have sex, I am all there, all the time, and the notion of two guys fighting for my attention SHOULD excite me, but it perplexes me. I can’t shut off my laserlight focus that I bring to the bed. I can’t divide that between two men, and I’m pretty sure the one guy who gets to receive my affections probably doesn’t want me to, knowing what he’s in for.
Yeah, I just can’t identify with two guys fucking me on one night. It just doesn’t do anything for me. Right now, anyhow. “As far as I know.” And this is going on the stereotypical experience, as I described above.
HOWEVER… if I had all creative control? If I could orchestrate the night? If what I said went? If my boundaries were understood and respected? If I trusted both men implicitly? If it was a sensual experience and not just a sweaty fuckfest?
That could well be an entirely different scenario since I’m a VERY situation-specific kinda gal. Everything depends on the night, the mood, my edge or lack thereof. I’m known to be very, very, very spontaneous and mood-driven, and even my friends of 15 years will tell you I constantly surprise them. With me, you never know.
The right extra guy might be something I can’t pass up. I’m too fucking smart and too old to dismiss something out of hand without knowing the particulars. I mean, if I was in a relationship and J. passed me on the street, or B. or E. or J2 or one of the other great lovers I’ve had, I’d love to bring him home for a night of fun and games with a present lover, because I’d trust them and they would know where my boundaries lay. I guess that would be the breaking/making point.
Bringing a chick into the equation, yeah, actually, I’d be totally down with that. Tomorrow. Seriously. I’d be awkward and nervous at first, but I’m confident I’d overcome that quickly with the right duo. Women have a different mentality about sex — or the ones I know, do. But it would depend on the chick, and I’m sorta specific about what kinda girl would get me riled.
As I posted recently, I’ve become very interested in having a female explore me, especially orally, and I’d be interested in a limited exploration in return. Honestly, I’d be kinda into having the guy watch her going down on me. That would really, really get me hot. The sex that would follow would probably be pretty incredible. God, the idea of it right now gets me bothered just thinking of it.
Hmm. Let me take a moment longer to think of that. Lovely. Nice. Yes, that I’d well be into. Sigh. Yep. Mm.
So, then, what do I really think of threesomes? (shrug) I don’t know. I’m on the fence. It can be an exciting diversion in a relationship, I’m sure. I wouldn’t ever want them to be a dominating aspect of my relationships. I love the part of sex where it’s all about exploring with my partner. My partner. Every now and then, to shake things up? Cool.
Now ask me what I think of swinging.
Did I answer that oh-so-very-vague question well enough for you, H?
And what do you folks have to say on the topic of threesomes?
Have you? Would you? What turns you on about it? What turns you off? When would be the right time? Is it the sign of things going awry in a serious, committed relationship? Can you in fact be seriously committed yet bring in outside sex for kicks without compromising the future of your relationship? Has it happened to you where you brought a third party in and had the relationship tank as a result?

Sexual Q & A: How Can I Spice Things Up?

ANONYMOUS ASKS: What’s a girl to do when her new boyfriend is VERY conservative and she wants to shake things up? Suggestions? This guy is NOT experienced but he’s really adorable.
STEFF ANSWERS: Keeping in mind that conservative attitudes about sex are usually resulting from ignorance or fear, I think you gotta proceed slowly.
If this were me, I’d probably proceed in any one of a few different ways. In fact, I’d recommend trying them all. Education shouldn’t happen in one fell swoop, neither should sexual expansion. Slow, graduated learning will make it more meaningful for both of you, if that’s what you’re after.
1) I might write him a very naughty, explicit letter detailing a few things I’d like to do to him. When he’s leaving one morning/night, put it in his wallet or something like that, so he finds it at an unexpected time and place. When it’s out of the blue and he’s alone with time to process things, and not in front of you, it may leave him more open to suggestion. Plus, if you’re arousing enough on the page, he might just find himself in a situation where he wishes you were around to aid with relief. (This could possibly backfire, too, so you need to be careful how far you go on the page. Subtly alluding to things could be as big a turn-on as being explicit, depending on your man.)
2) I suggest just taking him by surprise in bed. If he’s never done bondage, for example, maybe don’t talk to him about it in advance if you believe he’ll cringe. While you’re on top, simply playfully pin his arms over his head and loosely put a pair of nylons or something else that you’ve got conspicuously handy around his wrists, so he can get out if he likes, and proceed as you like. So, make it the illusion of bondage instead of the real thing, to take the fear out of the experience. (I wouldn’t recommend blindfolding with bondage at the same time if he’s nervous. It can be pretty overwhelming when you’re knew to it, speaking from experience here. ‘course, I fell in love with the feeling, but still, a lot to process.)
3) Another way to proceed is to just introduce one small new thing per session. Bring in food one time. Start off with a massage and oral another time. Try nailing him publically in a forest or something sometime. Vary the experience one teensy way each time until you’ve acquired a kaleidoscope of shared experiences. Then you’ll get to pick and choose.
4) Something else to try might be something like 101 Romantic Nights (a sex game where you roll the dice and refer to a book to see what your tasks for the evening are) or something similar, where you’re told what to do next through a book or something. There are other books, like 101 Grreat Nights of Romance, that come with sealed pages and just a tease as to what might lie ahead. You break the seal on the page to get the instructions for the evening, and you do what you’re told. They’re pretty tame, by and large, but they’re definitely an introduction to thinking outside the box when you’re a conservative lover, plus the creativity included might be pleasantly surprising for him, but the instructions and tips might take some pressure of of him when it comes to performing. But there are also a lot of inventive little role-playing antics and such, with a list of what you might require for the evening — and some of these may be new to experienced lovers, too.
5) It may well be that he’s intimidated by your experience. Bring the issue up casually, in a non-threatening way, when you’re having a quiet night on the sofa, watching a movie. Discuss the intimidation and tell him you can understand it if he feels that way, but you don’t want him feeling it anymore, and ask what you can do to help make it go away. You can ask him to design a night that will be comfortable for him, but he may feel pressured as a result, so I don’t really recommend that.
I think a lot of chicks tend to forget that, when it comes to sex, a lot of pressure, most of it (if not all), is on the guy. Their plumbing needs to be working, their size needs to be adequate, their skills are the ones that dominate the experience… an inexperienced guy with an experienced chick probably has a whole lot of issues to deal with, and being relatively gentle yet provocative is the only way to proceed if he’s timid.
6) Finally, maybe you can just watch a movie with a great sex scene in it, like the infamous refrigerator scene in 9 1/2 Weeks, and teasingly suggest you should do that, or any other sex scene you’ve enjoyed cinematically. I’m talking films, not porn. I don’t think porn’s the way to go when you’re easing someone in, since the expectations could seem unrealistic. But after you’ve said, “hey, that looks like fun, could we try that?” take him by surprise and go down on him.
Personally, all of my sexual experimentation came as a result of conversations that got the ball rolling. But I’m an imaginative and visual gal, so maybe it impacted me more that way.
In short? Again, be provocative but gentle. If he seems to be getting intimidated, then address it in a non-judgmental way. Let him know you want to teach him, that it’s important to you to show him just how good you can make him feel in every single way. You can bring dominance into the equation after you’re both on level ground. Have fun getting there. 😉
Do my male readers have any suggestions for Miss Anonymous, or feedback on mine?