Tag Archives: Questions From Readers

Dear Reader: Go Fuck Yourself

A reader wrote:

Late at night your long-time female partner believes you are alseep and commences to masturbate right there beside you in the cot.

The unmistakable sound of her arousal soon has e breathing heavy, but she’s concentrating so hard she thinks it is snoring coming from my side of the bed.

What should a man do in these circumstances, expecially as she has denied this activity ever took place when challenged previously? Sex life is quite OK, but she obviously wants more and wants it solo.

Should I request she leaves the room to perform this act of self-service?

Signed,
Not Snoring, Breathing Heavy

When your lover’s laying next to you and apparently wants an unmanned journey to The Big O, there are a few questions you need to ask yourself, Mr. NSBH.

  • One, is my sex life as good as I’ve been deluding myself that it is?
  • Two, have I really been honest when talking to my lover about sex?
  • Three, is she comfortable truly telling me her desires?
  • Four, what can I do to have her wanting me to join in?
  • Five, is there something wrong with my approach?

Now, I couldn’t help but notice you said she “denied this activity ever took place when challenged previously.” Allow me to pull a Dr. Phil here and point out your choice of language: “denied” and “challenged.” The tone’s argumentative, and it leads me to suspect you may have dropped the ball when you addressed the issue in the past.

She shouldn’t have been challenged, and shouldn’t have been put in a place of having to “deny” or “admit”. That’s inarguable. Masturbation may not be mentioned by name in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, but I tell you, we’re all entitled, baby, and so is she.

But was she in the right to be doing it right then? Well, that’s the debatable part, and I say no.

If your lover is fucking themselves in bed next to you, there’s really only three ways that goes.

  • One, they want to be discovered because they secretly desire to fuck you.
  • Two, they’re already fucking — with your mind — and are doing it to taunt you.
  • Three, maybe it really is a sudden middle-of-the-night desire and they’re just dealing with it as the situation arises, so to speak.

Situation three seems not to apply to this case in point, since it’s happened on more than one occasion.

Face it: If you’re in bed, masturbating, and your lover’s six inches to your left, you might as well be lying there with a low-wattage neon sign that’s shouting “fuck me now, please.”.

Maybe, though, you’re part of the really ignorant segment of society whereby you feel you have the right to lie next to your partner, masturbate, then tell them you’re not interested in them helping. If so, I got to tell you, you’re a right cunt.

Get out of bed and masturbate someplace where you won’t be fucking with your partner’s head. They deserve that, at the very least.

The fact is, most of us, when faced with someone masturbating by our side, will find ourselves ragingly horny as a result.

If you’re a guy, and your woman is doing this to you, then I say you should try to get in on the act. Personally, I’d welcome it. A middle-of-the-night fuck is always one of my favourite kinds.

Now, don’t be an idiot and start talking to her. You may catch her offguard and shock the mood right out of her. No, better to keep your mouth shut. Just lightly trace a finger up her thigh or gently bite her shoulder. Do not try to get a touchdown by rushing for her genitals. She’s already aroused and they’re hypersensitive. Do a light tracing and guage her reaction.

A quiet moan from her means you’re in. Rub your palm down her, and back up. Maybe find your way to her breasts. If she starts responding more, then continue with the surface play for a little while longer, letting her tell you what to do, while you prolong the tease before delivering. If you do things right, you’ll either go down on her or enter her, depending on what she wishes, since this particular session ought to be all about her, since she’s generously allowing you along for the ride.

If she’s not interested in you joining — she gasps, grumbles, or just suddenly stops and rolls over — then you need to have a conversation in the morning, but save your pride and roll over for now.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with masturbating when you’re in a relationship. I think it’s fine. It’s better if you have a healthy sex life and let your partner help you, but it’s not a death knell. But no lover gets carte blanche. You do not get to lie in bed next to your lover, fuck yourself, and tell them essentially to fuck themselves when they want to be fucking you in your moment of fuck-worthiness.

It just ain’t right. You want to do self-service? Then do it where you’re by yourself.

After all, Elvis said it best, baby. Don’t be cruel.

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Getting Stiffed By the Stiffy & Happy Birthday to Me

I’m 32 today, folks. That being the case, I’m a little busy being busy and birthdayish for the next couple of days. YAY me.

I wrote this posting over on NYHotties for you kids to read in answer to LabBoy’s question about the “five-minute” rule — you know, how guys tend to blow their wad the first time they have sex with a broad in about all of five minutes of steamy action.

You can read the original comments here. The posting is in full below, though:

Here’s a conversation I had with a reader:

How do I get over the “5-minute” rule when it comes to doing it with someone for the first time? Whatcha mean by the 5-minute rule?

5-minute rule: All the dates before “the” date have been foreplay. I’m turned on beyond belief, so when we get to “the” moment, I can only last for 5 minutes. I can “reload” and “reset” fairly quickly and go back to my usual 30 minutes or so of long-lasting action… But it’s always very fast that first time!

Well, have you done the jack-off-before-date routine when you know you’ll be getting some? Is a cock ring out of the question?

That’s just it!!! I never know if I’ll be getting some… So should I just, ahem, service myself regardless? Just in case? Always be prepared? What am I? A boyscout?

A cock ring? Somehow I think this doesn’t have to do with rooster fighting in downtown Guadalajara…

I sometimes wonder if guys are given the short end of the shaft thanks to the fact that they reach their sexual peak in their late teens, but chicks don’t reach theirs for a decade or more after their first sexual experiences.

Most younger women live under the delusion that there’s “something wrong” with them, so they do everything they can to try and maximize their sexual experiences. For instance, women almost always know about the wonders of Kegel exercises.

What are Kegels? They’re an exercise through which the pelvic floor is strengthened and empowered. What does that have to do with sex? Better orgasms, kids. You have better control over that region of your body, and thus can prolong your experience before orgasming.

The problem is, a lot of guys don’t realize they can — and should — do these exercises, too. Like one resource on the web says, if you’re a guy with an erect penis, and you can’t squeeze your pelvic muscles and cause your dick to jump substantially, then you need to do these exercises — more than you know.

Guys often snicker and laugh at the notion of some men “lasting for hours” in bed. The rockstar Sting is known for his passion for Tantric sex and his claims that he can have sex “all night long.” Why guys snicker and laugh at this is beyond me, but I suspect it’s largely insecurity along the “that’ll never be me” kind of lines.

No, not without work, it won’t be. If guys were to do Kegel exercises regularly, the odds are good that their newly healthy, strong penis could have a towel hung over it when erect and still be able to little lifts and lowering at will.

So, Reader, first of all, do your exercises. Every single day. Second of all, learn that your “regular 30 minutes” isn’t really much to write home about either, but it’s unfortunately become the almost-accepted norm for men.

You can do better, and when you do, you’ll wonder how you ever managed to be complacent with the sex life you once had.

I was speaking with a man I know and he told me how yoga was “the best thing” he ever did for his sex life. I asked him if it was because of the stronger abdomen helping his erection, and he said yeah, that, but also because it taught him how to breathe right, and that did wonders for him.

In his late 30s, the man’s experiencing the best sex he’s ever had, all because he’s lost his inhibitions and learned how to control his body like he’s never done before. Through yoga he has learned to focus on his abdomenal muscles and their role in his ability to withhold his orgasm for hours. The breathing techniques he has learned have allowed him — with his partner — to slow down his breathing and thus find greater control over his bodily sensations.

And if all this sounds like too much, then I suggest taking the easy way out and jacking off before your dates. Even if you don’t get laid, at least you’ll be relaxed and more willing to let the evening happen naturally, rather than being concerned about getting yours.

Finally, there’s always the option of a cock ring. There are important considerations when choosing a cock ring for yourself, particularly in regards to size. Too small and it could really cause you problems, and may get stuck on your cock. Not good. Too large and it’ll do nothing. The safest way to go is a strap-on cock ring, since you can adjust the tension in case you’re unsure how tight to go, and sensation is your best guiding force. You can even get cock rings that have a vibe attached to really give your partner her bang for your buck, too. But if you’re a man on a budget and you still want to have that upscale ride, then visit your local hardware store and buy a few little rubber seals/gaskets and see which works best for you, at a fraction of the cost.

But what does a cock ring do, you ask? It traps blood in your cock and makes your erection both larger and last longer. When you finally do come, it’s a more explosive orgasm, so to speak, since the blood has made the orgasm more difficult and lengthy to achieve, thus heightening your end experience.

The “first time” you do it with a chick will probably always leave a little to be desired compared to your regular endurance ability, but maybe it’s time to up the ante all the way around. A little extra dedication to your dick will help you become the man of your dreams — and hers.

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You asked? Cock Rings

Chelsea Girl requested that I address the issue of cock rings. So, here goes.

Once upon a time, in Middle Earth, a Hobbit named Frodo went on a quest to destroy the One Ring that would rule them all… Err. Well. Okay, different ring.

A cock ring is a blood-flow restrictor for the penis. Cock rings are the original penis-enlargement procedures. So, for starters, there’s the size-increasing bonus plan that the rings provide. The real benefit, though, comes in the fact that the trapped blood causes the penis to require more stimulation in order to come. (And when you do come, one word: gusher.)

What does that result in? More playtime (for most men — read on). A longer-lasting, new, improved loverman with a harder cock and the ability to go for a little while longer. It’s a great toy, particularly for those wanting more marathonish experiences in the bedroom.

How does it work? Simple. A cock ring wraps around the very base of the shaft (with or without the testicles, depending on the type/size of ring used), which traps blood in the upper regions of the cock. If you want a see-for-yourself experiment, just wrap an elastic band around your finger. If you find the right amount of snugness, not only does your finger get a little larger and a little stubbier, it can also get more sensitive to touch. (Which is problematic for premature ejaculators, who may not be able to handle a cock ring, but there are men who are less sensitive, too, with cock rings, so it’s a user-specific experience.)

If you’re a guy and you’re nervous about putting on a cock ring and then imploding sooner than you want to, then I suggest trying it out during your Sunday morning masturbation routine as you get to know Jenna Jameson a little better, or something.

Now, I don’t know about using a hair scrunchy in the Loverman-Improvement-Plan, but go on ahead and try it, if that’s all you got kickin’ around the house tonight. Finding the right cock ring can be a challenge, since too much restraint can cause injury to the bad boy, and too tight a ring might prove a bitch to get removed.

(Just imagine that visit to the hospital emergency room, eh?)

Cock rings come in all sizes and any number of different materials and designs. You can get a nice leather strap with a clasp, very adjustable, and very safe, and every bit as good as any other ring. You can get a leather strap with a number of snaps on it, allowing for any number of girths, also a great, safe approach.

You can get metal rings, plastic rings, rubber rings, and they all need to often be sized for your shaft’s width. A little trickier, I’m afraid. You can get funky ones with mini vibes attached that offer clitoral stimulation during the sex act.

It really comes down to your personal style and what just feels right for you. Some rings are all flash, and that’s fine, but it’s pretty unnecessary. Some rings are a feat of engineering since they have elaborate designs that can do everything from tugging and restraining the balls to clamping off the shaft, and even clamping your nipples at the same time. Clearly the latter design’s for those who’ve ridden all the smaller rides in the park and are looking for a little more bang for the buck.

Experts recommend that a cock ring shouldn’t be too tight (for seemingly obvious reasons) and shouldn’t be left on for more than 20 minutes, definitely not more than 30. Now you’re thinking, “well, why not apply it during the act and really prolong our experience?” Nice thinking, but a guy’s got to be flaccid or only semi-hard to apply these bad boys.

If it’s a new experience for you, don’t use metal rings. It’s advisable to use adjustable or stretchable cockrings, since this is one experience you don’t want to have go bad because you’re bad at judging your size.

Cock Ring Emergencies: You got ballsy and decided to try a metal cock ring, and now it’s stuck ‘cos your billy stick got too big to remove the bastard? Fill the tub with COLD water and sit in it. In a couple minutes you’ll be happier about experiencing shrinkage than you’ve ever been, and you should be able to get it off. If not, you’re going to the emergency room, kids.

Cheap tricks: Why pay $20 for three rubber cock rings when you can spend $3 at a hardware store for the same product, sans packaging and spin?

Wanna read some guys’ accounts of using cock rings? Go here.

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Harrass this, you PC bastards

When I recently whored myself for more topics, Grover Flanagan asked this:

Ooh! Ooh! I’ve got one! A new girl just started at work. She’s either as tall or just a bit taller than I am, cute as hell, and built like a brick house. (what a winning hand!) I’ve introduced myself, but have no idea where else to go from here. Afraid I’d be far too obvious (never been Mr. Subtle) if I tried to strike up any further conversation.

How about some do’s and don’t’s on workplace flirtation in this harrassment-sensitive age.

Oh, boy. Harrassment.

Could there be any greater reason why less people than ever before are getting laid? What are we to do without the always-fun office fuck? My God! As if dating was hard before, now there’s this bullshit to contend with? Why not just thrust us all into fucking monasteries and nunneries and leave it at that? Jesus.

Harrassment laws have their place, but why in the hell has zero-tolerance had to enter the equation? What the fuck is wrong with “Hey, wanna get a drink tonight?”

Nothing, says I. Fuck that shit.

I say you ought to just ask the woman for a drink. I think there’s nothing wrong with asking. It’s what happens after the asking that’s the issue.

If she says no, then you back off. If she says yes, then when you’re on the date you need to guage how it’s going and have an actual conversation about your attraction to her before you proceed with anything physical. You need to talk about what will be the fall-out at the office and how you need to deal with each other in that environment as opposed to outside of the office.

So, asking, not a problem. It’s everything after that which complicates matters. Is there a no dating policy in the workplace? No? Then that’s a good first step. If there is, then you’ll need to learn to keep your mouth shut about things, won’t you?

Since there’s a million ways that part of the scenario can go, I won’t even go there.

Fact is, the workplace offers a lot of insights into people that we don’t normally get exposed to until far further in the relationship — insights that might’ve been a dealbreaker or dealmaker if we’d known of them earlier in the game.

Do they get grumpy easily? Do their moods flip like a fish out of water? Do they buckle under stress? Are they curt and offensive when they’re having a bad moment? Have they always got a smile, regardless of the adversity they face? Are they thoughtful and generous?

But back to the question of harrassment. I think most people in society are pretty cool with knowing what constitutes harrassment and what doesn’t. Personally, I always enjoyed pushing the envelope back when I was in an office. I’d occasionally let a dirty joke slip or might’ve made a comment about a blowjob to a male coworker, just to see what the reaction would be. And it never got the kind of reaction I suspected, and never caused issues. So while the laws may be strict on paper, the reality is that people tend to be a little more flexible. This will vary workplace to workplace, but it comes down to the same babysteps most adventures require: Start small, and if it’s received well, take a slightly larger step.

You seem like a pretty perceptive kinda guy, so I’d just run with that and see where it gets you. Fuck the rules.

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Reader Conundrum: The 30+ Year-Old Virgin

I had an email from a woman who wanted to remain anonymous.

“So how is the world with a virgin on the other side of 30? How virgin you may ask? Too! I haven’t even had a kiss since highschool so.… Am I going to end up a lost cause? I don’t even know how to formulate my question, what exactly it is.”

–Always Alone

I once wrote, “Getting published is like getting laid. Anyone can do it if they set their sites low enough.”

Getting laid ain’t hard. So that’s not your problem. Your problem is that you want to be laid by someone with standards.

My readers are probably wondering, “Man, bet she’s a dog.” No! I got a picture of this girlie, and she’s cute. A little makeup, some cute, revealing clothes, and a night on the town might be all it takes.

But being over 30 and a virgin and unkissed for so damned long, A.A., you’re probably filled with apprehensions about getting involved — and a whole lot of insecurities.

The thing about dating that gets forgotten is that it’s just about meeting new people. Today, it’s easier than ever. I wrote a rant about e-dating, but the dating itself has been pretty good. None of it has been painful or emotionally distressing. There’ve been some real pieces of work, this is true, but as a whole, it’s not bad. When it doesn’t work out, you walk away. That’s it.

So what’s holding you back? Confidence? Inability to meet new people? The way you dress? I’m not a fly on the wall and my crystal ball’s on the fritz.

If what you wore in the photos is a typical day out for you, you need to update and get some digs that better suit your body, and the colour grey don’t work on you. Have someone help you buy trendy clothes. Ditch those jeans you had on and get some with spandex in ‘em and wider legs that bring your hips into proportion — it’s more slimming, and much more stylish. A lower cut actually makes you seem taller and flatters your ass, too.

Get some nice cute shirts that are at least as low-cut as the v-neck shirt you wore, but get bright, fun colours that will have you be noticed. Personally, I was always opposed to things like hot pink, but I went and got me some snazzy pink and lime green clothes last season and have been really surprised at the interest they create just walking past men on the sidewalk. Get daring.

If confidence is the issue, join a gym. You might think, “Oh, I’ll join a girls’ gym–” WRONG. Yes, gyms are meat markets, but that’s what you want! It’s not that bad. You don’t have to wear makeup. Just have cute workout clothes and do your thing. You might even find you enjoy catching those sly corner-of-the-eye glances that come your way. Every now and then, a little objectifying does a girl some good. Besides, strong women feel sexy.

Another great idea for confidence is to join Toastmasters International, a public speaking organization, so you can brush up your courage for talking to strange men.

As for the question about being a virgin and whether there’s any hope, goddamned right there is. There are men who specifically do not want virgins. They want experienced lovers. Oh, well. There are also men who’ll get excited at the prospect at defrocking a woman, especially since the notion of finding another virgin when they’re also in their 30s is pretty much something that’ll get them a visit from the law enforcement.

Try to ditch your inhibitions. Do little things like forcing yourself to make eye contact with men at the supermarket. Smile at one hot new guy per day. Be brazen and start the occasional conversation. And when you feel you’ve made a big step like just talking to some random attractive man on the street, make sure you pat yourself on the back.

But most importantly, try the e-dating. It’s the easiest, most opportune way to get your face out in the world, especially since you’ve told me you live close to “a major city”. And if it’s something like Lavalife, you can post a profile for free. Write yourself a revealing, open profile and include a photo on your profile. You don’t need to publically disclose you’re a virgin, but you’ll have to do so at some point. You do want to say something like, “Looking for a lover who can and will teach me in the bedroom.” You can call yourself “an inexperienced, but willing to learn, lover.” And realize that if you write the profile well enough, you make it revealing enough, and you have a nice photo up there, you will get a LOT of responses. Then, it’s all up to how you handle things.

Hell, if you want, send a profile you’ve written about yourself to me in email and I’ll help you polish it up all sexy-vixen like. Trust me, I’m effective. ;) We’ll report back to the readers about your progress in a couple months.

Meet guys for a coffee. Don’t let the “online chatting” thing drag past a week. That’s just a waste of your time. All it takes is an hour to meet for coffee and you’ll know if he’s worth pursuing.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” The quote is from Oscar Wilde, and it’s as true as true gets.

Personally, I’m a little overweight. I’m not some sexy vixen non-pareil. I’m cute, I’m fun, and I’m a little larger than life both physically and personality-wise. But I’ve got confidence and I’ve got a great grasp of innuendo. I may not be every man’s cup of tea, but I’m surprised by how many men would indeed like a sip of me — and that’s because my personality’s infectious and I got a dirty grin. There was a time when I thought it was all about hip size, and the more outgoing I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized how untrue that is. Trust me, I went through a dark age in my mid-20s and my self-esteem bottomed right out. In the last couple years, I’ve put all of the above to work for myself and I’ve really enjoyed the outcome, despite still looking for The One.

So, learn to dig yourself. Dress yourself in a new, brazen way, and force yourself to make daily baby steps. Smile at men. Play with innuendo. Start touching their arms when you talk to them. Sit closer to the men you’re around. Take a risk and get on the ‘net for e-dating. But love yourself. Get past the insecurities that are holding you back from being the effusive, sexy woman you know lives deep down inside ya.

And then maybe you’ll happen on a brave new world of satisfaction and sexuality. Good luck on the voyage. ;)

Anyone got anything to add to this advice for AA?

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The Young Woman’s Guide to Getting Over Herself

This was a posting over at www.NYHotties.com by yours truly. The blog owner there is Alexa, so this was a letter sent to Alexa, and Alexa asked me to answer it for her:

Hi, I’m Steff, and I’ll be your cruise director tonight.

I’m a Canadian girl, born & raised in Vancouver, and I run a site called [Smut & Steff]. One of Alexa’s friends said that being featured on NY Hotties was like being the featured slut in a bukkake-fest because so many people came. So after you shoot your tender lovin’ comments all over this post here, cum over to my site, fill me up and spray me down with even more hot comments. I’m a comment whore!

My specialty is sex advice, which is why I’m hijacking Alexa’s hot little site here per her request. She recently received an email from a young reader that went a little something like this…

Dear Alexa,
Let me start with the usual by saying that I absolutely love reading your blog!

By means of introduction, I am an 18-year-college student in Philadelphia. Freshman year, I had a boyfriend who took my virginity, about 9 months ago. I enjoyed sex with him but for some reason I could never orgasm. We would try oral and manual stimulation which felt great, but still nothing.

I now have a new boyfriend and everything is ten times more amazing, but still nothing. I scream, I moan, but every time I come close, I just want to throw his hand away or push his head away. The pleasure becomes so intense that it’s almost a pain, and then I don’t want it anymore. It’s stressful for my boyfriend because he believes that he’s not pleasing me. What is wrong with me? I try to let myself go and stop thinking about it, but then I worry, thinking that I have to urinate or I’ll get a UTI, if it’s too hard.

If you have any suggestions whatsoever, I’d love to hear them.

Thanks,

Ain’t Came, but Ready to Go

Alexa decided she’d ask me to weigh in on the topic, so I’ve put my little thinking cap on. Being brought up in a pretty repressed household with Catholic morality running rampant means that I have tremendous sympathy for this young woman, ‘cos god knows I had some overcoming to do before coming came ‘round for me.

First off, honey, you ain’t alone. One in five young sexually-active women has never had an orgasm, and I suspect that isn’t even high enough.

You need to realize that it doesn’t make you a freak, there’s nothing wrong with you, and it’s something you can overcome, if you’re willing to get past your inhibitions and try different approaches to resolving your issue. You’re already ahead of the game by admitting this and by wanting more information, because info’s most of what’s going to help you get past this.

First question is, do you masturbate yourself to orgasm?

That split moment before a woman experiences orgasm is often an uncomfortable, almost painful experience, but that’s what makes it all so heavenly when it’s finally broached. You need to let yourself go.

Unfortunately, that’s easier said than done — especially if you never masturbate!

Just so you know, when I first began masturbating in my mid-teens — which is exaggerating the truth since I never got comfortable with touching myself till I was around your present age and had already had sex — I was under the delusion, everytime I approached orgasm, that I had to pee. I can’t TELL you how much toilet paper I went through those first days of dry-humping pillows while lusting after George Michael posters on my wall. I kept running down the hall and trying to pee every time I felt myself getting excited, and then I’d get pissed off, thinking “I haven’t drank anything in two hours! What the hell?”

Know what? That’s how it’s supposed to feel. As for getting a UTI, no. Not the case. After you’ve had sex, go pee and clean up, and that’ll do a lot towards preventing a UTI. The threat isn’t as great as you perceive it to be, not even close, or why would chicks want to have sex as much as some of us do?

Now, for privacy reasons, I don’t have your email address as Alexa has kept that to herself, and rightly so. But as a result, I can’t ask you some of the important questions:

As I already asked, do you masturbate to orgasm? Do you really care about and trust him? Are you scared of the experience or do you have any apprehensions? Are you beating yourself up about your supposed inability to come? Have you ever been assaulted? Were you taught that sex was bad, that to enjoy it made you a whore? Were you raised is a religious household? Are you insecure about your body? Have you ever taken the time to read up on sex yourself? Do you like to touch yourself?

These are far-reaching questions and may even strike you as a little too psychologically-bent to apply to the very “simple” process of getting off when you’re getting hot.

Unfortunately, that’s not the case. Our mindsets are incredibly linked to our ability to orgasm. Particularly as females, we’re so bogged down with societal demands on our morality, with our parental teachings and social stigmas, that we have a lot of baggage we have to overcome before we can bloody well come, that’s more true than it has been in awhile, in this frickin’ uptight Religious Right-dominated political landscape we presently find ourselves under. Shame is the order of the day, and it’s on special two-for-one with a hefty side of guilt. You need to get past all that crap, too, and it’s hard.

Education is the best way to go about it, though, and it’s easier than it’s ever been, thanks to the internet. Honestly, the more you read about sexual dysfunction, the more you’ll learn just how common it really is. For example, I just did a very helpful websearch on Google using the following keywords: orgasm difficulties “young women” about resolutions. Read some of the results and that’ll give you a great headstart.

But you asked for help, so I would suggest a few ways to approach this problem of yours.

First, cut yourself slack, baby. Like I said, you’re in quite a number, what, with one out of five women claiming this problem, too, but that number’s probably higher in reality, considering the shame that surrounds admitting things like this. Hell, I can even tell you about women I’ve talked to who’ve never come alive sexually until they’re in their 40s.

Second, you’re on a completely different page from guys in your age category. They’re at their sexual peak right now — meaning they’re horny as hell and easy to please — and you, honey, you’ve got 10–15 years before you even reach that neck of the woods, which is the standard for all women. And you may think he’s a pro, but he’s probably a very clumsy lover and has as much to learn as you, since the female organs are far more complex than the male organ. By the time you hit your peak, around 30ish, with your being open about this already and wanting to learn more, I guarantee you’re gonna be a sexual goddess. Right now, for you, it’s all about discovering yourself, and that brings me to the next point.

Third, stop thinking that sex has to be all about the orgasm. It is, but it’s also not. Especially not at 18. It’s about learning all about a lover’s body and letting them learn about yours. Great sexual relationships start off slow and build as each partner learns more and more about what to do and what not to do. It’s not a race. For now, stop pursuing orgasms in the traditional sense of the word. This brings me to number four, a homework assignment.

Fourth, download the Divinyls’ masturbation classic, “When I Think About You, I Touch Myself,” and lighten up, considering how much of orgasms come from thought — which is FAR MORE TRUE FOR WOMEN than for men, and moreso today than ever, in this confused redrawing of the gender-lines that’s bringing us into a whole new ball of sexual confusion.

In case you’ve never really explored masturbation, let me give you a few tips. Vibrators are great, but for most women will not result in orgasm, and definitely not at your age — unless you’re using it on your clit. But fingers will do just fine, and are better for you at your age, since it’s about overcoming hesitancy. The happy-button is your clit, and you should be giving yourself a little cliteral massage. Trim your nails nice and short, and introduce yourself to your clit. The clit’s where it all happens, since maybe 10% of women can cum through just intercourse alone.

Massage your clit slowly and gently until you start to get thoroughly aroused, and try to bring yourself to orgasm. Don’t be ashamed of touching yourself or masturbating. Don’t balk when it starts to feel intense — that’s normal. It’s all normal. Hell, masturbating is a part of a nice Sunday in for me. Women who are truly comfortable with themselves sexually always get to know their vagina first-hand. At the same time, squeeze your tits, play with your nipples — this doesn’t make you weird, it makes you comfortable with your inner sex goddess — and believe me, she’s in there.

Make love to yourself. Because if you can’t do this, how can anyone else do it for you? Like Oscar Wilde once said, “To love yourself is the beginning of a life-long romance.” At 18, you’ve got a long road of romance ahead of you. Enjoy the ride.

Fifth, talk to your doctor and tell him/her what’s wrong. Maybe visit a free clinic and pose these questions and have an exam to make sure everything’s working fine or you don’t have any unusual developments. If you’re uncomfortable talking about it, write it out like you did for Alexa, seal it in an envelope, and give it to the doctor’s receptionist a day in advance of your appointment, and explain to the receptionist that you’re too shy to ask the enclosed question, and that you want your medical professional to read it well in advance of when they enter the exam room, so your pride can be spared.

The doc’ll appreciate it too, since their time is money and they’ll be happy you cut through the bullshit and brought up the real issue before the appointment. You should request that they gather helpful resources for you, which is doable if you give them leadtime before the appointment. (Important: Include the appointment time within the letter so the doc knows how much time they have to prepare for you. They’re as scattered as anyone, so don’t be intimidated about simplifying things for them.)

Sixth, tell your man it ain’t him. Tell him you’re working on the issues, that you need him to give you time and space. Learn how to deliver a great blow job. I’ve got a very helpful guide on both BJs and cunnilingus on my website. Read my “Good Girl’s Guide to Giving Great Head.” Explore. Bring him pleasure so he knows you’re breaking boundaries for yourself, but it’s all for him. Let him know that you’re learning to love yourself in every sense of the word. And let him know, that when you’re ready to, you will masturbate in front of him so he can see how you’ve learned to make yourself cum, and he can start things slowly by doing what you’re comfortable with. This is SO helpful for young couples. Have him masturbate himself as he watches you, and you should take notes on that, too. It’s a very arousing experience to share and teaches you both how each other likes to be touched.

Again, if words are difficult to say, then writing is the way to go.

Realize this: By coming to the brink so many times with orgasm, and stopping the process, your body’s dying to let go. The first few orgasms may be difficult to endure, but let it happen. You’ll be so happy and pleasantly spent afterwards that you’ll feel like a new woman in so many ways.

Finally, a last word about the society we live in and how screwed up it can make young women like you feel. As females, we’re taught that if we really enjoy sex and know what we’re doing, we’re whores. We’re taught that “good girls” get married and find nice men and never worry about orgasms, and the “sexual girls” only bond with Energizer batteries, not decent men.

And it’s bullshit. Own your sexuality, baby, because a life of pleasure and strength and power awaits you if you can please your man while loving yourself. There’s no shame in it. Men respect it and appreciate it — and you will, too.

This might well be a new start for you. But it might take a while. Most young women aren’t comfortable masturbating until their 20s, so bear that in mind, since it speaks volumes.

Good luck on your journey to sexual awakening. And enjoy the ride. It’s a long, but fun one.

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