Tag Archives: rants

Everything is Stupid: A Rant from the Edge of Pathos

I’m currently stuck in that place between hating everyone and thinking I’m too brilliant to be in gen-pop.

There are no sharp objects on my desk today. This is good.

middle-fingerI’d be all Hulk-smashing the shit out of everything if only I could give enough of a fuck to do so. It’s that double-edged sword of anger and apathy that comes only from a really righteous chemical imbalance. Oh, PMS. A monthly license to hug all that is dark and vengeful within me.

Fortunately, I use my PMS evils for good — I blog. Sometimes. Rage is a lot more fun if you pepper it with humour, then share it with the world so others can commiserate and rail against the stupidness.

I’m trying to stay off social media, like Twitter, because I keep reading normal people saying normal things and then I want to punch the desk and shout YOU ARE A STUPIDHEAD. WHY ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BREATHE?

Then I start wondering things like if there was some little ethical justification or litmus test where we could employ eugenics without incurring the wrath of the United Nations. Like, say, sterilize only people who are completely asshattedly-moronic but who have every opportunity to educate themselves and learn sciencey, facty thingies.

Then I remember that it’s hard to be immune to stupid people and even stupid people could wind up in charge of a eugenics program and start sterilizing people willy-nilly, and so I give up on this little Utopian stupid-free fantasy of mine.

Still, one could argue that the skyrocketing population of  7 billion humans on Earth might suggest that maybe, just maybe, a little indiscriminate stupidity-suppression could improve the planetary futures. Less stupid people, more oxygen, better climate control? Sounds good to me. I know I don’t need them adding more carbon dioxide to the mix with their ignorant antics.

1154794_origTake stupid people who don’t believe in Climate Change, who insist on things like “coal rolling” to make this ignorant fucking point scream loudly, they make my head explode. Everything I think is wrong with the planet, people like them are causing it. They’re a carte blanche raison d’etre when it comes to unpopular ideas like eugenics and sterilization.

Or maybe we could just sterilize all the annoying entitled people. You know, the kinds who snap “Don’t you know who I am?” — especially when they’re just another asshat with a healthy following on social media. Or other entitled folk who feel there’s nothing wrong with embezzling, theft, and all those other groovy crimes.

Then there’s racist assholes. We don’t need them, either.

I’m just tired of all the jerks in the world. And the stupid people. And the stupidity with which jerks are explained away by stupid people who don’t have the guts to end it.

photo 1
For instance, Ray Rice, who plays football for the Baltimore Ravens. In a supposedly “mutual” attack in May, the big, hulking football star was found on tape dragging his unconscious wife out of an elevator. The NFL thought this horrible thing was so horrible they decided to make him miss a whole horrible two games as punishment.

But what galled me today was hearing that his arrival on the gridiron at training camp resulted in fans cheering loudly. And I’m also annoyed the team has yet to delete a tweet from May 23rd in which they state the wife “regrets” her role in the “incident.” Because, yeah, getting hit is so inconsiderate. Being dragged across a hall, that’s just rude. How dare she?

At least some of the fans called out the organization for their ridiculous victim-blaming. Way to rock the public relations game, Ravens.photo 2

Or, hey, maybe it’s just all my feministing raging hormones that are stupid, and this kind of assoholic behaviour is the norm. Maybe I need to suck it up and accept that we live in a world of narcissistic asshatted entitlement, and that’s just the way it rolls.

But no.

Lucky for us all, I’m Irish-Canadian and too stubborn to think those stupidheaded assholes are in the right or deserving of tolerance. In my world, it’s not okay to be entitled, violent, ignorant, stupid, rude, bullying, or mean.

Those behaviours will never be okay.

And if it’s only once a month that it unleashes a Hulk-Smashy-Ragey thing in me so I scream and rail at the gods about the Stupidheads Wrecking Everything, then so be it. Once a month I will rail and curse the cosmos and demand better.

Anger — it’s a good thing. If it causes just one person to recognize their ignorant, stupid ways, and it helps them be a little less of a dick, then it’s all worth it. I’m more than willing to Hulk-Smash my way to a better, kinder world, one stupidhead at a time. Are you?

I Don’t Wanna Be Your Dog

My latest raunchy rant can be found over at Alexa’s sizzling site, NYHotties.com, where I’ll be a frequent contributor for awhile.

Here’s the link if you wanna read the comments. Here’s the posting in full, though:

I’m sorry, Iggy, but it’s true.

This one goes out to the porn school boys. Yeah. You know who you are. The guys who watch porn and think women actually want to fuck like that.

The majority of women don’t have “getting titty-fucked” at the top of their weekend to-do lists, all right? We don’t necessarily globally relish having our asses smacked while we’re being ridden doggy-style by some dude who thinks he’s one lap away from the Kentucky Derby. (Almost every woman likes to take one of those laps from time to time, though.)

The majority of chicks aren’t going to gush and coo like a girl on Christmas morning as you cum on their face. Most will be pissed that you’ve even attempted it, really, especially since there’s that very small matter of possibly contracting AIDS when the spunk hits an eye.

Face it, boys. Porn movies are movies that are made by men, for men. They are entertainment. They’re the sexual equivalent of the DC Comics’ League of Justice: highly improbable, hugely exaggerrated, and excessively stylized.

If you’re taking your sex tips from porn, you might just want to think twice before you invite Debbie over for a little diddling.

Fact is, porn’s for the uninteresting. Most North American porn is so laughably cliche, so utterly uninspired, that it’s a wonder Europeans ever sleep with any of us. Thank god they know better than to believe everything they see on television. Pity the same can’t be said of everyone on this big ol’ continent, though.

All right, you need allusions to really get the message? Let’s say that sex is like sanding wood. Sure, you can get all aggressive and just sand the shit out of it with 200-grain paper, but you know it’s going to look like crap until you slow it down and do nice, even mid-pressure circular strokes with a 50-grain.

It’s the same with sex. You might — might — be able to get the job done in a fevered frenzy of action, but you’re gonna miss out on so much of the good shit you only find when you really get into the detailing.

If you’re content to underperform, then porn away, boys. If you really want to get fucked, and you really want to know what an orgasm has the potential to feel like, then explore the full dimensions of sex.

The problem with the Porn Boys is they just don’t fucking understand that orgasms are like concert seats. Just because you’re at the concert doesn’t mean you’re getting the best show. In fact, sitting in the nosebleeds might get you into the gig, but with all that frenzied distortion and being so far away visually, you’re barely scratching the surface of the experience.

Upgrading and getting in close seems to sometimes slow it all down and make the experience bigger than life. The bass rocks you, the sweat slowly builds as the tension gets better and better throughout the headliner’s act before they finally blow their wad on the show-stopping encore that leaves them and the audience gasping for more.

Stop being content to just show up and get rocked. Put yourself in the show and really make it an event.

What have you really got to lose, besides your breath?

Steff calls "bullshit"

T. commented on the posting below. He said: “I don’t really think women deserve orgasms. Sure, I’ll go down on a woman, but it’s only because I enjoy it, not because her orgasms matter at all. When I was in my 20s, there was a lot of competition for women, and they could pick and choose. Now that I’m in my 30s, and since all the really good guys have been married off or are gay, I find myself in the catbird’s seat. Women these days are a lot less picky, so when I say, “you don’t really deserve orgasms” I can tell they aren’t happy, but will take what they can get. In other words, me.”

I say bullshit. I say you get what you give. I say I can make a man cum six ways to Sunday. But I don’t need to go above and beyond, and I sure as fuck won’t if you’re not willing to put it all out. You get what you give. And it’s still a crock to say something like that, but since I believe in democracy, I’m opening the floor to YOU, my lovely readers.

And if a chick said that, she’d get the same attitude from me. It’s bullshit. You’re involved with someone — you give them what you got. Period. Gender be damned. I’m sick and tired of the frickin’ “What’s in it for me” crap that’s everywhere today.

(Update: Turns out he was being silly and pushing for controversy [which I always enjoy anyhow] so I’d get as many comments as possible, thus hurrying the next segment of the Man’s Guide getting posted. Heh. Sadly, a certain someone still needs to WRITE it, so… Yes, it’s coming, no, not just yet. But I have the day off, so, maybe soon.)

Oh, and if you’re just kicking back and waiting for more oral delight tips, no, sorry. It don’t work that way. I’m waiting on more comments on the posting below, first. I’m not ashamed to admit I’m in this game for attention. It’s fun.