Steff Rants: On "Letting" Women Masturbate

All right, I read a comment this morning from “The Dating Master” on my posting about why 40% of women don’t masturbate, and I’ve been a little riled ever since.
I should be cleaning my house before my friend arrives for a barbecue later, but he’s seen the mess before, and I’ve got a groove on with some classic Verve playing, so fuck it, let’s tackle this.
The guy, and I can’t be entirely sure of whether he’s serious or not, but I’m leaning towards “yes,” based on his own blog, said: “the problem is if we let women masturbate then they will say hey why do we need guys we men are sexually starved as it is.”
The thing IS, though, that even if he’s NOT serious, there are men out there who think like this. So, I’m gonna take ’em on!
Normally, I’m kind enough to fix people’s grammar, but his stays as-is. All right, rant mode ON. I just voted, I feel EMPOWERED, baby. And I feel like swearing a lot — I am one with my inner-trucker tonight. (This is NOT an anti-man bash! It’s an anti-sexist-guy/anti-lousy-lover bash! There are good guys out there. I know it!)

First response: What the fuck?
Second response:LET” us masturbate?
Third response: Why, you…

All right, no one needs to LET US do a goddamned thing. This is why I’m telling women to talk charge of themselves and get to know the fine act of self-love. It’s 2006, buddy.
If you men are “sexually starved as it is,” maybe it’s time everyone stop, sit the fuck down, and think about why that might just be. Here, I have a few ideas. Let me share.

  • Almost every guy thinks he’s some kind of stud when he gets in bed. The guys are thinking, “Nah, that’s not me,” and the women are thinking, “You fucking tell ‘em, sister.”

You do not just insert your penis and see us crumble into ecstasy. You can’t just rub our clit for 30 seconds and think we’re done. You can’t just work us for the average 14-18 minutes that statistics say the average man lasts. There’s a reason foreplay exists – it’s so that WE orgasm, too.
You may be sexually starved, but you ain’t getting the fucking job done when we do let you at us, in most cases, so why the hell should we bother? Seriously. I’d rather read a fucking book than have lame sex. You want to underperform? Go masturbate, I’m having a bath. Yeah, seriously.
Educate yourselves. Learn what the hell the g-spot is, where it is, and why it works. Learn that less than 30% of women orgasm every time they have sex – and their partners have a good deal to do with the low results, but I’m not suggesting a woman NEEDS to come every time she’s getting laid, but men NEED a reality check on the matter. Learn that less than 40% of women are capable of having an orgasm vaginally. Learn that our BODIES are one giant erogenous zone – not just three regions of it. If you don’t work it, we won’t want it. Period.
You want us to want you more? Learn how to make us shudder. Learn how to tease us, deny us, prolong us, then satiate us. And learn how to have better longevity with your erections. I mean, Christ, it’s a MUSCLE, and very few men ever do exercises to strengthen it, other than masturbating and deflating.

  • And the other part of the problem? Women who are still being fucking subservient to the men in their lives, and completely disrespectful of themselves, who aren’t putting it on the table and saying, “THIS IS WHAT I WANT. This is what I enjoy, and THIS is what you need to do to make me orgasm.” And why not? Because they’re ashamed to talk about sex, they think they’ll hurt their lovers’ feelings by being honest, or they think they’re not entitled to say anything, or worse yet? They’re as fucking ignorant as the men they’re fucking.

Men, it is in YOUR interest to educate your lover, to educate yourself. By simply having sex in the standard formation – missionary, whatever, for 15 minutes – you’re denying yourself. You’re making your woman apathetic. Women NEED to be titillated or they just won’t care. Men are hardwired to have their dick inside something, we all know this, and that’s a good day out for just about any guy, really, but women, most of us can cope without sex and without you, just fine, and you really, really want to avoid having us feel that way.
When you take the apathetic way out with sex, you’re essentially dining at the sexual taco hut. Sure, it’s a great thing now and then. But there’s a big world out there – homecookin’, upscale, little quickie snacks, and you’re relegating yourself to the same goddamned thing every time.
Women, they’re BORED. And you’re doing nothing to affect it.
The butthead who made this comment, he’s blaming his woman for the lack of sex drive. Take a long, hard look in the fucking mirror, first. And then ask yourself why you’re so damned threatened by the notion of having your woman actually understanding her own sexual organs.
And women, speak the hell up. Why in god’s name do you not?
I was exposed to something at work today that just makes me shake my head at the state of the sexual union. God, things are fucked up in the world of sex these days. I’m not really into the whole reading-erotica/surfing-porn thing. I’m concerned about sex, and that’s why I write all this and seldom visit sex blogs. I’m on a mission, really. I think it’s time we deserve good sex, all the time. I think it’s time we learn to communicate about it.
Masturbation is the starting point. Then talking. Then practice. Then experimentation.
But guys like the above, they just want the third step. All the goddamned time. Unfortunately, these are the men (specifically the sexist breed above, I mean) who will NOT respond to a woman saying what she needs or wants. He thinks he knows, and that she’s just asexual. A good portion of men become excited when their woman wants to actually talk about sex, so don’t let this guy deter you. And if you’re with a man like this, you need to seriously consider whether or not that’s something you can live with – you sure as hell deserve better, but can you live with it? Better yet, why should you?
Jesus, I hate sexism. Thank god most men are smarter than that. You guys, I love, love, love. This guy, I wanna slap.
Someone thought this was an anti-male bashing. It’s not. I’ve been fortunate to have mostly wonderful, considerate, thorough lovers, and I’ve repaid them in kind — like it should be. There are women out there who are lousy, lousy lovers, and they piss chicks like me off, because they lower men’s drives to learn more about pleasing us. Sex takes two, and every position can benefit from mutual involvement. If you’re guilty of the “dead fish” lay-there-and-love me sex, women, smarten the hell up. You’re getting the lousy sex you deserve. I’m gonna rant on YOU on the weekend. I got something else up my sleeve next, to get back on the masturbation topic.

19 thoughts on “Steff Rants: On "Letting" Women Masturbate

  1. Goose and Gander

    His comment hardly sounded like it could be real, but I suppose it very well might be. There are many levels of control that one group of people could have over another, so blatant or so subtle or so “common sense” or so cultural, it would be hard to know why we do or don’t do anything.
    Maybe over time, it was realized that women had the power to really, really enjoy sex and by limiting our enjoyment, we were simply kept in the dark, and then it became some kind of cultural truth that women either didn’t enjoy it or found it dirty or whatever. Its sad though. One of the things I am most grateful for is knowing how to have an orgasm alone or with a partner and I’m grateful I learned it early and god bless my mother, she’s many weird dysfunctional things, but I never learned to feel dirty or guilty.
    Keep up the amazing work there.

  2. SemperSexualis

    You tell ’em sister. No, seriously. Tell them. Because it’s really fucking annoying that they don’t know.

  3. James

    All I really have to say is, I hate guys like that! They make it damn hard on guys like me. And No matter what any other male thinks, you handled this perfectly. Now if only the ones that need to read this would do so…

  4. Anonymous

    female from ottawa.

    HUA to female masturbation. Females are not intimidated by male masturbation, so why are males intimidated by female masturbation? It is an accepted fact that all/most males masturbate, so lets accept it when females do it. It is not about equality or women’s rights, it is about self discovery. Masturbation is like milk, it does the body good.

  5. scribe called steff

    Goose — It’s all pretty mysterious, really, how we got here. I mean, the g-spot was found when, in the ’60s? I don’t think a whole lot of women were ever taken to those places until the past couple centuries.

    History’s written by the conquerors, so all we really know about sex is written by guys, mostly. It’d be interesting to see a history of it from the female POV, if there is such a thing.

    Anyhow knows of one, pass on the info to yours truly. 🙂

    Semsex — Well, that’s my good deed of the day.

    James — You sound like my kinda guy. Good on ya. Thanks!

    Anon — I think women are intimidated by aspects of male masturbation… the majority of women expect their men to cease and desist after they’ve gotten together, and I think they’re smoking crack, honestly…

    But yes, masturbation for all, and for all, a good night. 😉

  6. figleaf

    Not to mention that even if you were both stellar lovers you sometimes (often?) need to add at least a fingertip to get off during intercourse. As if that were even a bad thing!

    Though I’ve always tried to make sure my partners have had hands-off orgasms during intercourse, and even gotten reasonably good at it, it’s usually not been the norm — certainly not at first — and imagining otherwise is totally setting everyone up for failure.

    So really, if you’re not very skillful together (assigning no blame since there’s often no blame to be had or it could be shared equally) then there might not be alternatives anyway.

    I asked this morning what purpose steering women away from orgasms might serve and I’m wondering if Dating Master might not have hit on a big one: if you never have one on your own you won’t notice what you’re missing with your partner. (Though, honestly, can you call someone a partner if you’re either totally responsible for his or her ability to have an orgasm and/or you’re dictating whether he or she can have one at all?)

    I’m so loving this thread of posts, Steff. Thanks.


  7. StripGoddess

    I agree with figleaf, this is one of the more robust threads I’ve seen on the subject. I very much feel the same way you do about the whole issue of masturbation and female sexuality to begin with.

    Sadly, even if the guy that made those comments was joking, there are men out there who think like he does. Of course, there are others like James appears to be that do concernt themselves with the satisfaction on both sides of the sexual equation.

    I still find myself laughing at the fact that Jocelyn Elders was foreced to resign for DARING to suggest that people masturbate. Oh, the lunacy of it all. And, sadly, with the focus on abstinence/ignorance-only Sex Education these days, things are not liable to get any better any time soon.

    Keep up the good work, my dear! 😉

  8. Anonymous

    This guy is an idiot.

    Now, if he were going on about “letting” (as opposed to letting women practice the finer points of self-love, that would be one thing.

    The difference, of course, is the first one is part of the playfulness of a decent relationship and the second is pure wrong-headed and should have been left in the ‘day.

  9. Laura

    I agree 100% on this one, Steff. The think I noticed the most in your post was the part about men having to teach women to lust for them. That hit me really, really hard, because it is true. We are all too afraid of hurting other people, so we’d rather hurt ourselves, in this case; not get what want.

    Great post on a very important topic

  10. Knattyb

    I think I’m going to have to take a slightly different take on this one.

    Firstly, women, masterbate to your hearts content. Seriously. Fuck your goddam brains out, and if you can still somehow find time to get to work and pay your rent… bonus.

    I’m sure this guy hit a nerve, and maybe there are more of these guys out there than I would ever imagine, but this sounds way too much like a male bashing rant. As far as i’m concerned you should never let another person tell you what you can or can’t do. I’m sorry but it’s a little ridiculous. Also, if you’re with a person thats not stepping up in the bedroom speak up, if you don’t try and work it out than you can’t really complain. If you do mention something with no results, take off, cause nothing is better than great sex, but everything is better than bad sex.

    you really can’t judge though, cause if thats the weak ass sex some guys want to have, they deserve to have it. them along with all the women who want it. which is great cause it saves the rest of us from the trauma.

  11. Knattyb

    I guess my beef here was the seeming disregard for the women who fall into this category of apathetic lovers. Cause i’m only 21 and just “sex” stopped being enough for me years ago. I feel as though I am constanly coming accross women [and steff i’m definately not lumping you into this category] who are of the opinion, that it is the guys job to get her and himself off all at the same time. It seems just like another of the many hushed up double standards of sex. and fuck that noise.

  12. scribe called steff

    Knatty, I’ll tackle what you’ve said, but I haven’t the time to get back to everyone right now…

    But you know what? I think A LOT OF WOMEN ARE TO BLAME FOR BAD SEX.

    Yes, I do.

    If a woman’s gonna lie there like a dead fish and not get involved, then piss and moan about her man not doing anything to get her off, then she DESERVES THE SEX SHE’S HAVING.


    Sex should take equal work from both partners. If it’s the straight ol’ missionary and he’s doing the thrusting, well, she can do things to make it interesting with her hands, his ass, tightening and releasing her vaginal muscles in rhythm with the thrusts, whatever.

    Lazy sex, on either part, is a frickin’ joke.

    I totally agree that it’s not just men being bad lovers, and that it CANNOT BE ENTIRELY ON THE MAN.

    I know I sure as shit pay the rent in my sexual encounters, and I would expect that, for anyone with a good sex life, they do, as well.

    I think I should rant at women now, just even up the score.

    That guy pissed me off, and some of that crap had to be said. As much as you might be a wonderful loverman, and I know I’ve had the fortune to be with a few in my time, there are a lot of guys who really do just the bare minimum and don’t know their shit.

    Each sex needs to learn about the other’s anatomy. That’s more true with the female anatomy, since it’s somewhat complicated, but chicks need to learn about what kind of pressure guys can handle on what parts, etc.

    Anyhow, trust me when I say this: I know there are a hell of a lot of women out there that give us DILIGENT lovers a bad name. And they PISS ME OFF, too. 🙂

    (And I’m gonna tell ’em so in the next week or two. Stay tuned for that.)

  13. FTN

    After reading that whole past, I was really glad to see the last paragraph and your comments. Because most of the time I was reading, I was thinking, “What about women that are lazy in bed? What about women that don’t take the time to find out what the guy wants?” So thanks.

    And I’m not an expert on female masturbation… But for men, I don’t think masturbation is doing anything to make us better lovers. I think a lot of men are all “practiced” out, but keep doing it to their hearts content. So not all men are doing it.

  14. jazz

    totally agree with this post, though i’m also uncertain as to whether he was being serious or not…

    it takes two. a good woman will make a man bring out his “A game” and vice versa…

    let’s all be lovers, okay?

  15. Anonymous

    “Let” us masturbate. “Let” us? Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

    Aaaahhh… Trolls just slay me.

    I agree with it all. It’s our job to figure out what we like (both men and woman) and then to find out what our partner likes. Nothing else works.


  16. Anonymous

    I could have been one of those women that you could rant on. I didn’t know any better, didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted because honestly, I didn’t know what I wanted. My husband came home late one night from a new job. He had the added responsibility of entertaining clients after hours. As he plopped himself in bed I remember thinking…Great, he’s drunk again…another long night of marathon sex with the Energizer Bunny… he goes on and on.

    Then it occurred to me, that he did indeed go on and on and there I was, capable of taking advantage of the drunk and he wouldn’t even know. So I took the bull by the horn surprised the heck out of myself and was very demanding. The next morning he was wondering if he remembered right. I pleaded innocent but every night he came home from entertaining, he had less and less to drink because he wanted to be aware of what was happening at home. That was the beginning of us both knowing what we wanted and knowing how to ask.

  17. scribe called steff

    FTN — Hopefully the posting tonight has amended things nicely.

    Masturbation DOES help women, period. Apparently 10% of women will never orgasm. The question is, are they doing it right? Most women will tell you their sex lives improved when they learned to satisfy themselves. Lovers will say the women improve as they get more open about masturbating. Women are wired differently than men. It’s inarguable. I’m gonna try to do something on the psychology of sex with women at some point, but it’s gonna take some research. You might find that one interesting. Guess you’ll have to stay tuned.

    Jazz — Yes, let’s be lovers! Lovers = good!

    Anon — Silly guy, yes. It’s a self-discovery thing. When will people figure out that every genital is like a fingerprint — comes with its own uniqueness. thank GOD it’s not one-size fits all, but why the hell isn’t there a label that says so? Geez.

    Anon 2 — AWESOME. Good for you! Stepping outside your boundaries can be SO rewarding! It’s about learning to let go. With the abandon comes reward. Simple. GOOD FOR YOU. (And GREAT for your husband, it sounds like!)

    Virgin — Takes all kinds. 🙂

    Fig & Strip — Thanks guys. Great comments, both of you, and good question, Fig. I think the word “partner” is very loosely used in that context. Poor Elders, Strip. 🙂

    Laura — Women deprive themselves too much, put everyone before themselves, and are willing to sacrifice happiness if it just makes things easier, and it’s all bullshit. We put so much grief on ourselves because of ASSUMPTIONS about what’s gonna hurt someone’s feelings. Saying NO is just a word. Saying MORE is just a word. Saying OW is just a word. And what better time to kiss it all better, if you do hurt someone?

    Holy incongruity, batman. Yeesh.


    What a week. I need to kill the writing a bit. My week’s really been full and I’ve been writing on top of an already insane schedule, while fitting in photography, cycling, and living, too. This is one of those, “Why do I hit keep hitting myself on the head with a hammer? -Because it feels sooooo good when I stop,” kind of weeks. It stops Monday. I just need to make it to then.

    Oh, Lordy, send me endurance! Lots of it! Bedtime. Nighty-night-night, kids.

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