Advice for Young Lovers

The sun was rising by 6a.m. this morning, and spring seems to be all around. A comment was left by an 18-year-old male, and I thought about when I was 18, the first time I made love, and how disappointed I was. I thought about the things I wish I’d been told back then. These are them.
Everyone tells you not to rush things. As a female, this is doubly true. Men can begin having sex younger and have positive results sooner, provided they know what they’re doing, but for women, more than 30% will not orgasm until well past their 20th birthday.
The best advice anyone can ever tell you about sex is this, it’s not about the orgasm.
Sex is about cartography and geography. Sex is literally the lay of the land. It’s about discovering your partner’s body – all of it. It’s about knowing how he or she reacts when you kiss the back of their knees, what favourite odd spots on their bodies you can suck and bite and have them shudder senselessly.
It’s about being in the moment, reacting to every little thing your lover does, either vocally or physically. It’s forgetting about end results and expectations. It’s here, now, and nothing more, regardless of what you might wish to make of it.
Sex is a language, and like any language, it takes time to learn the subtleties that distinguish an amateur from a master. Like any language, one can spend their entire lives improving their abilities and exploring ways to use the words. Writers become greater as their lives extend, orators become more powerful every speech they deliver. So too do lovers command skill as time passes.
Women take longer to identify with their sexual selves. As a young male lover, you need to be brave enough to talk to your woman before you have sex. You have to make a pact to tell each other when something feels comfortable or not, you need to express your fears and apprehensions, and if you have boundaries, you must state them, and they must be respected. You need to never take it personally when something’s not working. It’s biology, not you.
Women also take longer to be aroused. If she isn’t wet, she’s likely not aroused*. You could use lubricant, but then you would be jumping the gun. If she ain’t feeling it, honey, it ain’t happening. The more aroused you make her, the more you’ll realize how awesome it feels to take someone to that place. Take the time to really make a journey of it.
As a young female lover, you must lower your expectations. At first, things might hurt, but then they begin to feel incredible, if your lover has skill. Think of it as getting your ears pierced. Sex, like wine and blue cheese, can sometimes be an acquired taste for a young woman, but you need to get past the fear and apprehension. If you don’t feel like you can trust your lover, then you have no business sleeping with him.
In no place in our lives is trust more important than between us and our lovers.
You have to trust that if you said, You can do anything you’d like to me, that they would know where to stop.
You have to be patient. You have to know that the best sex of your life will not come until after the age of 25, if not after the age of 30. You have to know that sex is the physical manifestation of emotion. It’s spontanaeity, need, desire, passion, love, lust, curiousity, creativity, and eagerness balled up into one experience. It can be overwhelming when it’s great, and for new lovers, that can be intimidating and shut you down. Do not be afraid of the feelings, let go. Embrace it.
Making love is the physical act of making yourself vulnerable. When it comes to day to day life, we tend to try to avoid vulnerability. We do everything we can to not reveal our fears and failures to others. When making love, there’s nothing you can hide. It’s all there. You might as well give in to the moment and embrace the exposure vulnerability brings with it.
As you grow up, you realize the old cliché is true. If it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger. The more you’re able to make yourself vulnerable in everyday life, the richer your relationships of all kinds shall be, the deeper your experiences with others will be. Perhaps you’ll be hurt easier more often, but the depths and richness of other relationships will far exceed the pale of a cautiously lived life. So too with sexual experiences. The more you trust each other and open up, the greater the sexual reward.
I’m old-fashioned and I don’t believe people should have sex until they’re 18 or so. I’m a pragmatic person, though. Whenever I do something new, I educate myself about it. I read everything I can, I learn what I need to learn, and I do what I need to do, and I do it well. The only time that didn’t happen was with sex, as I first slept with a lover at 17. As time went on, I educated myself and learned more. It changed everything for me.
The best thing you can do is head to your local independent bookstore that focuses on psychology and sexuality and scour the sexuality section for a book that speaks in a language that you relate to. Then, learn about the biology of the human form, not just what the bits and pieces are called, but how they will respond to your touch. I think it’s better to do this in a bookstore because there’s so much misinformation and opportunism on the web. Just my two cents.
But don’t take the authors’ word for what makes great sex & great loving. Take your lovers’ word. Every person’s body responds differently to touch, and you absolutely must know from your lover what is or is not working for them. You cannot just assume what you’re doing is working, since that twitch or shudder may be from discomfort. Ask. Let them tell you what they feel about what you’re doing, and again, do not take it personally.
It’s not about you. It’s about them. Never forget that.
If you cannot speak about sex with your partner, then your communication on everything else will be shit as well. You must be able to express what you want and need, because these are the things that are true to your core. If you cannot express these things, then what of any consequence, I ask, can you ever express?
And when you learn to be patient, to communicate, to react to each other, to trust each other, then you will be on the road to reaching sexual satisfaction together.
Don’t forget, it’s nice to feel pleasure yourself, but it’s incredible to know you’re providing it for another. Learn to enjoy the experience of giving, since that’s what separates the good lovers from the great: Generosity.

*There are SOME women with lubrication difficulties who sometimes never really emit the same signs of arousal as another woman might, so again, communicate and follow the signs. Does she look like she wants more of you? Does she look ready to take it a notch further? Use your powers of deduction, Sherlock. Better yet? Ask.

8 thoughts on “Advice for Young Lovers

  1. broad abroad

    AWESOME advice Steff – not only valid for the young man but for any sexually active person!

  2. Anonymous

    “If she isn’t sopping wet, she is not aroused. “

    Have to disagree with that one. Not often, but sometimes i can be incredibly desperately aroused and just not producing much lubrication. And I’m pretty sure it’s not just me either.


  3. scribe called steff

    Broad — Thank you, baby. 🙂

    Vistana — PSST! Don’t tell ’em! Let ’em work harder! lol. Yeah, I forget about that problem sometimes. I’m kind of mid-level on moisture, myself, sometimes more than that. It’s one of those things that a chick’s just gotta tell him if she’s ready, sometimes.

    I’ll modify the post a tad now, though, so guys know there’s more than one type. Thanks.

  4. StripGoddess

    I disagree with the “sopping wet” comment as well – for some that just isn’t possible.

    Having said that, though, the piece itself is incredible! Very well written and speaks almost point for point my philosophy about what sex is all about. Kudos!


  5. scribe called steff

    Thanks, SG. Yeah, I’ve sort of amended that part, and maybe one day in the future might reword it entirely, but it’s already up there, so…

    But thanks for the nice comments. 🙂 I was sorta proud of this one, and was hoping I’d hear a bit more but it’s a slow full-moon weekend thing, I guess, or something. It happens.

  6. Mad Coyote

    Perhaps it’s just that everbody’s so busy taking your advice, they can’t comment from the bedroom…

  7. Anonymous

    Hey hey – love this post. As an 18 year old female a lot of it rings true. I gave my virginity last summer to mi novio and I feel like sex has already changed for me so frickin much since that first time. In an amazing way. I love what you write about reacting to every little thing – it seemed silly and excessive at first, and I did it to please, but now I can’t help myself and it makes it hott. And finding all of the spots that tickle or arouse… mmm. Most of all I’ve stopped worrying and started making sure I get off – after all, he loves it when I come. Aaaand there’s so much more to do. Anyway, I’m exausted 😉 but awesome stuff.

  8. A Scribe Called Steff

    1. Anonymous
    Posted April 7, 2007 at 12:25 pm | Permalink | Edit
    “Men can begin having sex younger and have positive results sooner, provided they know what they’re doing, but for women, more than 30% will not orgasm until well past their 20th birthday… You have to know that the best sex of your life will not come until after the age of 25, if not after the age of 30.”
    I am going to have to disagree with you there Steff. I began having sex at a young age, however, I decided to educate myself before I started having sex. I read every edition of the Kama Sutra, Joy of Sex, and almost every sex education book there was. The guy I was with was significantly older than me which sort of helped because he did not rush me, was gentle, and he knew what he was doing. Of course like everyone I was nervous and anxious my first time, but it was still a wonderful experience. Unlike the horror stories I was hearing from my friends with their same age boyfriends about blood and tears all over the sheets, mine while not a passionate mind blowing sexcapade, was enjoyable. He was attentive and made me feel special and beautiful which is exactly what a young girl needs. By the age of 17 I was having multiple orgasms and by 18 I must say I turned into a sex fiend, I could not get enough, however it must be with the right person just like you said for me to be fully satisfied. I have had sex with a few people I did not know too well and while the sex was incredible it always felt like something was missing afterwards. I don’t think we can put an age on great sex just as we can’t put an age on when it is right to fall in love. It all depends on the individual and their partner.
    2. scribe called steff
    Posted April 7, 2007 at 12:44 pm | Permalink | Edit
    You can disagree with me all you like. 🙂 But statistics are on my side. Even women I know who were having good sex at a young age state that it has improved with their age, too, despite having been good the whole time. Yes, partners make a big difference. Yes, education is a huge factor.
    But there’s a pocket of women that, no matter how hard they try, will not orgasm until their 20s. Did I say all? No. 30% isn’t a number I picked out of the air. Science says, ergo…
    Too many young women have hangups of a hundred different kinds. It is what it is.

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