Had I actually been a guest on Sex with Emily last Saturday night as planned, question number one from them was, “Why is your blog so popular?” Why, indeed?
If I had to say why I wish my blog was as popular as it’s proving to be, I’d say it’s because I’d like to think I’m real. But that’s a pat little answer, isn’t it?
The thing about sex writing is, it’s so easy, in theory, to write about dripping, hard cocks, about the fury and the fumbling of two people coming together in sexual union – the passion, the intensity, the fun, the excitement. The pulsing of hearts, the throbbing of members, the vaginal swelling… we’ve all experienced these things, we’ve all been on both the receiving and giving ends of pleasure, and so it’s easy to relate to when we read about others’ experiences. And if it’s not something we actually can relate to, then it’s something we live vicariously through.
Not a lot of sex writers try to tackle the emotional content under it all, though, and the ones who do tend to inspire more loyalty from their readers. I tend to focus more on the emotional aspect of it – not just the emotions we show, but those we hide. Perhaps this is why y’all dig me. Or maybe it’s my irreverence, or my honesty about my own insecurities and desires and fears and dreams. Who knows. But these are the reasons I would like to believe my blog is popular.
And it’s something I thought about when I saw this “breaking” news on the BBC site. Apparently kids find sex education classes too biological. Gee. Really?
They’re right. It is far too biological. Everything about sex originates in one place: the brain. The brain powers our emotional response, spurs our physical response, and then our juices flow, action proceeds to happen (or not), and the rest is messy history.
Funny enough, in England, the biology of sex is a mandatory class, but “personal social and health education” is optional at the institutions doing the teaching. This latter course brings education about relationship and emotional health into play.
I must have missed the memo where relationships and emotional health were optional in my own life.
In a time when divorce is the norm, moreso than happy marriages, perhaps it’s time to reevaluate the ways in which we approach relationships. Maybe it’s time to acknowledge that the psychology/self-help departments of bookstores are the most popular non-fiction sections for a very good reason: We’re all so fucking clueless about how to deal not only with our own problems but any of the problems that might arise in our relationships.
I have a history of running from relationships when things get tough, which is why I’m stunned I’m even hanging around my present relationship at all, considering all the life-induced chaos within it. My first running-from-adversity relationship happened with a young guy named “JH,” my first real boyfriend. He fell, and he fell hard. He wrote me songs, played his guitar for me, and felt like the king of the town whenever I was around. I dumped him as soon as I saw that a divorce was imminent with my parents. I never told him why I was fucked up because I was too ashamed to admit my parents’ failure, and more ashamed to admit that I was weak emotionally.
I pulled the “but we can still be friends” bullshit and instead learned what it felt like to break someone’s heart. The guy fell apart and wrote a “you tore my heart to shreds” song for me, handed it to a friend to deliver to me, and within the week, stole a car, got arrested, and then never, ever spoke to me again.
Maybe if I’d had a better emotional upbringing I wouldn’t have fucked JH up as much as I apparently had. Who knows. I do know that I didn’t have a clue how to open up, how to trust, or how to react when the fit hit the shan. Instead, I’ve spent the better part of two decades slowly learning these lessons through bump-in-the-night, daytime talk shows, and brief flirtations with both self-help books and actual therapy.
And I’m not an exception, I’m the norm. Isn’t it time we change that?
As for “sex education,” it’s really a misnomer. I know that nothing I’ve ever had to deal with was taught to me by anyone with any authority. I learned through necessity.
I’ve had the fear of a condom breaking with a boyfriend before the age of 20, having to stroll self-consciously into a Free Clinic in order to get a morning-after pill, something I’ve had to take three times in my life. I once was so freaked out I was pregnant that I remember doing a pregnancy test ASAP after purchasing it – in the bathroom of a Subway sandwich shop. I never learned about the possible negatives of birth control pills until the last few years, because I was already so fucked up in so many ways that it just never dawned on me that my depression must have been exasperated by pill usage.
In short, everything I’ve ever learned about sex has come as a result of a need-to-know, and-now education, not before-the-fact. It has been a hard road getting to the place I’m at now, considering I was raised by sexually ignorant parents who weren’t comfortable talking about sex, and schooled by a high school that didn’t teach sex ed. Of my friends, I was one of the first to get laid, even though I was 17, and none of us ever talked about sex. When I lost my cherry, my only education was that provided by television and movies. I had no idea why the hell there was a wet spot, and it scared the crap out of me.
I didn’t understand all the emotions that came with sex, and I didn’t understand that a kiss was just a kiss, not an undying declaration of love. I wasn’t hurt by love; I was destroyed by it, and all because I was ignorant of the power relationships could have over us.
Teaching us the biology of sex does little to prepare us for the emotional overload that comes from relationships. Teaching us about human relationships and the dynamics of emotional response would far better prepare us for life and love, and it’s damned well time schools began to embrace that reality.
In the final paragraph of the article I’ve cited, some talking head spouts this sentiment:
“We trust teachers to use their professional judgement to decide which organisations can support teaching and learning in the classroom and which resources best support schools’ sex and relationship programmes.”
Jesus. Let’s not trust the teachers, okay? Let’s convene some people in-the-know to talk about what needs to be learned by kids today, and then create a program that includes all those essential facets, so as to stem relationship problems, improve self-esteem, and build emotional resilience. Violence in schools is greater than ever, bullying is at an all-time high, and divorces are skyrocketing.
Isn’t it time we learn about emotional health as part of our curriculum? ‘Cos we’re clearly fucked without it.
Seems there are more and more of us thirty somethings figuring it out and doing the tell two friends method of reaching the world…
Your story sounds familiar although as a guy, it’s just the general outline…but an easily understood and related to one…
I’m with you, the world is getting way to messed up with repression and hidden thoughts and feelings…I remember my mom telling me it “wasn’t normal” to be angry after her and my dad split up???
Don’t get me started on the whole “sex” idea…”it’s great whne your married but you need to wait until then” bullshit…
Nice work Steff…
I sort of like the way my High School taught it. “Abstinence is the only 100% safe method to avoid pregnancy and STDS, but if that doesn’t work for you, here are a few backup plans: condoms, birth control, etc.”
Then again, this is coming from someone who doesn’t want to have sex before marriage. I’m not saying that everyone should be like me, but I think that children should be taught to at least be careful who they fool around with.
I agree that there is more to “intimate” education than the biological aspect of it. As many in our generation can attest to, the physical act itself is pretty easy to figure out on the spot without the boring 1950’s B/W videos telling us where the penis goes. There is a lot more to it all than that, as you said. The hardest part for the inexperienced to understand is the emotional parts that play a huge part in our lives.
To make matters worse, there is still the continuing debate in the US as to whether sex ed should be taught at all (this of course being the biological specifics at that). Too many of our politicians are of the generation that screwed our parents up and have been propagating this skewed thinking, that if you don’t talk about it, kids wont do it.
Well, to fill y’all in on what’s going on locally…
I think it began with the “Don’t Just Do It” campaign which encouraged youth to get involved with their sexual health education. Opt (Options for Sexual Health formerly Planned Parenthood) offered youth support and tools to help them advocate getting the sex ed that they want in their schools.
As a small part of that, they’ve recently become the only organization in BC to offer certification in Sexual Health education. It’s interesting to note that their program not only includes “fundamentals of sexual health education”…y’know all the slot a and tab b stuff, but also offers training in relationships and communication, developmental sexuality and diversity and sexual expression.
This is a MAJOR step…now, if only schools HAD to teach it, we’d be set.
In regards to Abstinence being taught as a method of birth control (as in NO babies rather than a morality issue) it’s not bad. If the boundary is no semen (or penises?) anywhere ‘tween the naked knees and navel, you’re still left with the potential for having LOTS of fun. Especially if you actually educate that intercourse is just one of a LOT of saucy things you can do with a partner. I think back and if I had the opportunity to trade my first time experience for a bottle of lube and a hitachi magic wand I’d have been one extremely happy girl! This is coming truthfully from a girl who has no regrets about her first full-on fuck, too!