White sheets? Why, for god's sake?

Now, admit it, this picture’s hot. I don’t care who ya are, boy or girl, this is hot. If the sheets were any other colour, would it be as hot?
Probably not. If you take a look around, almost every gorgeous erotic shot you see featuring sheets, they’re white. There’s something about white sheets — simplicity, purity, crispness. I don’t know what it is, exactly, but there’s something evocative about white sheets. We all identify with them.
Practical? Not so much. Sex is messy. It’s really, really messy. Good sex is messier. Great sex is downright sloppy. There’s that sweat, the juices. Sometimes women bleed. Sometimes you want a little taste of the good life while you’re tasting your partner, and chocolate sauce enters the picture. Hence why I like to own dark sheets. Dramatic, sexy, romantic in candlelight, and practical. I’m a pragmatic romantic — a fine combination.
You may or may not know this about me, but I drink the Oprah Kool-aid. I can’t help it. I never watch the celebrity shows or the “hear this tragic tale” type shows, but I love anything she does on sex, politics, or human rights. One time I was watching one of the fluff shows, and she got to talking about jersey knit t-shirt sheets. I remembered how comfortable she said they were, and broke off my ass, I wasn’t going to justify $50 or more for sheets when food and rent and other things came first.
Then came the near-demise of my fucking awesome burgundy flannel sheets. Oh, flannel, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways! Your warmth comforts me on cold, cold nights. In the face of the world’s harshness, your soft and luxurious feel takes my edge away. Flannel, I could never leave you.
But you’ve quit me, you motherfucker. Yep. The flannel sheets have begun to wear dangerously thin. I suspect I have one, maybe two more washes before they get butchered for housework duty. I will probably weep when that day comes. I know, it’s weird, I’m attached to sheets. But they’re flannel, dammit, and they’re the colour of red, red, wine!
So, I decided I would listen to Oprah. T-shirt sheets. Sure! I bought the cheapest variety I could find, since I decided that cracking open the piggy bank for new sheets was now a wise choice, with Regular Sex now becoming a promising feature in my life. Almost the entire stock was gone. They had two colours left: pale butter yellow, and pale sky blue.
That was a problem. I like dark sheets, for starters, and I’m into aesthetics. My bedroom’s got a chocolate-coloured wall, with the remainder being desert-sand colour, lots of wood, and some Indian batik fabrics. Blue’s not gonna cut it. The butter yellow sort of worked, I thought, so I picked them up.
And they did work, blending in decently in my surroundings. Up there with the flannel? No, not so much, but they’ll be more summer appropriate. September, I’m buying chocolate-brown flannel sheets.
Yep, as practical a colour as sheets can be.
See, I just put my clean sheets on the bed. Well, clean, in theory, except for the recent addition of stains. Less than a month old, the sheets are now stained. What can I say? We broke out the chocolate sauce. Well, I say “we”, but I really mean “me.” I had him tied up and blindfolded. He looked so yummy that I thought I’d have my version of icing on what was already a nice cake I could really sink my teeth into. I dribbled the sauce from his testicles to his tongue, and navigated my way north. Sadly, smudges made their way to the sheets.
My sheets, it would seem, have been sullied by the dirty s-e-x.
You know, I’m not much of a literalist, not really, but it’s not like I break out the mud and filth in order to have the “dirty” s-e-x. I just like to think how unclean the nuns from my old Catholic school would think me to be if they knew all the things I enjoy doing, that’s all. Hygeine’s important, kids. Wash your hands and pee-pees, okay?
Ah, sullied. Sad. Sullied, just like their owner. Sigh. Fortunately, it was good fun. Oh, hey, there you go. It’s the souvenir of good sex. “Why, I remember that fine chocolate smudge right there, oh, and the caramel blob over there. That was right before I gave you some head and a handjob. Oh, the good old days. Shall we relive them? I’ll get the rope.”
Which reminds me: I owe you a piece on bondage. Okay, tomorrow, then. I promise. No, really, I do.
PS: Yes, I know they’ve invented a chemical called “bleach.” I realize I could buy white sheets and bleach my filth out so I can pretend I’m a clean, upstanding citizen, but a) I’m a disaster with bleach and finally just got tired of all the bleach stains finding their way onto coloured clothing of mine, and b) I wouldn’t have gotten to write this, which I found quite fun to do. So, humour me, okay? You may like bleach, but I’m a happy detergent-only kinda gal. Besides, it’s been a while since I murdered anyone and had vast quantities of blood to clean up.)
Ed. Note: It’s 2010 and I have white sheets. And a white comforter. And more white sheets. Some other sheets too, but now I like ’em white. What can I tell ya? Growth, change.

11 thoughts on “White sheets? Why, for god's sake?

  1. Milan

    I agree about the intuitive appeal of white sheets (and clothing). Aside from at least the illusion of cleanliness, it may derive from the way white surfaces display light and shadows so effectively: providing information about shape and texture.

  2. 37girl

    I agree with the white sheet ideas. Personally, I don’t care what color sheets are. None match anything in my bedroom. Funny that you wrote about sheets today, because this weekend I actually had my favorite set of sheets wrecked during a sex fest! My most favorite, softest, most pleasing to naked skin sheets were destroyed! As sad as I am over that fact, it was well worth it! I think that’s the first time I’ve actually ripped my sheets while “gettin’ r done!” Ahhhhh…….great sex is so satisfying. (And expensive if I’m gonna have to keep replacing bedding!)
    Steph-kudos to you for this website. I stumbled across it a few weeks ago, and I am addicted! Absolutely love your writings!!!!!!!! Don’t ever stop

  3. Romantic Perv

    I love flannel sheets too. As you said there is something so comforting to crawl into them that the rest seem to pale by comparison (regardless of the colour). So what is your verdict on the Jersey knit T-Shirt sheets aside from they get replaced come September?

    On topic of sheets, I am wonder how many really like the satin sheets on a daily basis? Recently I bought a set, and the wife and i had a wonderful time sliding around on them during the various levels of s-e-x. Once it was time to tuck in for sleep on the other hand the appeal seemed to wear off. The pillow kept wanting to squirt off the bed like holding a wet bar of soap, and although the light show from the static lightning bolts was pretty, it became more nuisance than they were worth.

  4. Need_You_Tonight

    You know, bleach doesn’t actually get blood out of cloth or off of surfaces — the evidence can still be picked up by forensics teams. Of course, maybe you just meant the stains…

    But if you’re killing people and cleaning up the mess, don’t fool yourself by thinking bleach gets the blood gone.


    Not that I know from experience or anything.

  5. Haaaaaaa

    I used to have flannel sheets and loved them. They’re great. Wife won’t have them now, we must have cotton. I think white sheets look sexy in black and white pictures, but not so good in real life.

    BTW, Oxyclean works great on chocolate and red wine stains.

    Happy Monday (if there is such a thing)

  6. scribe called steff

    Milan — Yeah, I do photography, I know why they’re using it, I’m just saying what’s purty in pictures is impractical in life.

    37G — You go, girl! Glad you’re enjoying the site. If they’re your fave sheets, like my flannels were mine, you were probably using them oodles and they were likely wearing thin anyhow. I’m sure a little rough sex will be perfectly fine, you’ll just have to replace them more often than you otherwise would if you were single. But, y’know, two people means half the wearing time, right? Throw in a little action, that’s another 20% less wear time, if not more. Thus, you’re down to, what, 40% of the normal lifetime of your fave sheets, in theory? But you’re getting laid, so. πŸ™‚

    Romantic Perv — See, I’d never buy satin sheets. I know they’re supposed to feel spiff, but I’d rather spend more bucks and get myself a really high threadcount. I’ve had 300 TC sheets, and they’re great, and feel almost satiny, but they go up to 600 TC, and they’re Egyptian cotton, so I’d rather try to one day afford the $150-200 Egyptian 600TC sheets.

    I’d find issues with the slippage of satin, since I’d probably find it harder to get a grip in some moves where more technical manouvring is needed, y’know.

    I don’t know what the public concensus is, but that’s my take. πŸ™‚

    NY2NITE — yeah, but the bleach will compromise the evidence. They’ll know I was gutting someone, but they won’t be able to prove who. I’m secretly an American Psycho. Well, not so secretly now, it would seem, but hey. Everyone needs a hobby.

    Haaaaa — I should’ve sprayed it with stain remover first, but I sort of like knowing I’m a dirty girl with dirty sheets and my boy makes me dirty-ish. It’s fun. You can clean me up, but… deep down inside….

    Duuuurrrrty! ha.

  7. MTSeven

    You’re the best Steff!
    A great photo, interesting topic and just a tinge of rant. I love it. (I don’t have any but I’d really like some white sheets if for no other reason that they’d remind me of the photo in the post!)
    I wouldn’t mind the stains if each one of them comes with a good story. No pun intended, but it works.


  8. Anonymous

    Bleach makes your sheets wear for a shorter time as well.
    I go for nice expensive light coloured sheets in not-too-girly floral patterns. I’m sure there are stains, but I can’t find them as easily.
    They make me feel all growed up. Probably because my sheets when I was a kid were dark and solid coloured.

  9. ~The Goofy Ass Chick

    I use that Proactiv shit and let me tell you, do not use high powered face creams with colored sheets. Your pillow cases will be stained for life. I always go with white or ivory from now on. Screw the sex stains. That stuff I can bleach.

  10. scribe called steff

    MT7 — I kinda want a pair of white sheets for the summer — it just seems right. πŸ™‚

    Anon — Bleach is EVIL. I hate patterned sheets since I always had them as a kid. πŸ˜‰

    Goofy — OOh, Proactive. Been there, done that. Good point. Good to know. I’m not on it anymore. These days, I wash with Aveeno baby shampoo and sugar. Normally does the trick, but I still occasionally have a little breakout, like NOW. Gah.

  11. Southern

    The photo was hot…what a tease. And the imagination..what was going on there, who took the photo..were those breasts that perky?

Comments are closed.