And then there was None

Well, I’m single now. We pulled the Band-aid off and decided things just weren’t working.
As far as break-ups go, this was the best I’ve probably ever had.
It’ll be hard for me to be friends, I suspect, since I’m not really the one who quit the relationship. He was trying really hard to keep his shit together after he shattered his leg in March, but losing all your mobility and being introduced into a life where you have near-constant pain and chronic exhaustion tends to take a lot out of you emotionally.
Having been injured far too often last decade, I know this. I relate all too well. That, in many ways, made the past two months even harder. I wanted to be angry at him for pulling back, I wanted to resent him. I just couldn’t. I understand. It’s why I was so broken-hearted when I learned that morning that he’d broken his leg so severely. I knew the guy I was falling for was probably going to disappear for a long time. I’m just surprised it took a couple months to happen.
The relationship started wonderfully. It was so promising, full of future. Then, literally a bad break. Why fate intervenes as it does, I’ll never know. It just does. I can’t sit around in sadness and loss about this, because it is what it is: Dumb fuckin’ luck.
I don’t typically stay friends with exes. I’m making an exception. I also don’t tend to get back involved with exes, but in this case, I’m keeping a very open mind. On paper, we were obvious. Meant to be together. Even after we decided to break up, we were on the phone for an hour, just chatting.
Bad injuries can break a bit of your soul. Life becomes struggle. Too many people have never experienced the hardness brought on by a lack of freedom, lack of mobility, and constant pain. It really robs you of something, and it can really fuck with your psyche, too. This time, it did.
But, hey. He knows I care. I know he cares. We just can’t be what we want to be, and I can’t wait any longer. He doesn’t want to hurt me any more than this already has. It’s a respect thing.
Sometimes, moving on’s the best thing you can do. But I’m glad we’re keeping an open mind. Finding a real, passionate connection’s a rare thing in this shallow fucking world, and writing something like this off because fate played a hand, well, I’m too much of a romantic to just do that. Deciding to move on has been a long time coming.
Part of why I haven’t been writing as well as I’d like to have been doing is because I’ve been biting my tongue. So much of this has troubled me so deeply for so long that I’ve just felt unable to share it, because I knew he was having such a hard time already, and I didn’t want to bring any more negativity to the plate, or make it harder for him. In so doing, I took more bruising than I maybe should’ve done.
But now it’s done. Now the future’s decided, a path of action has been declared.
I was at a thingie last night and had a couple of those “moments” where you can tell the guy’s really digging you, you know? It was strange, because I felt like I was cheating on The Guy even though I’d sort of decided to end it today already. Maybe there’ll be a re-learning curve on this. He says he won’t be looking for relationships in the hiatus, but that I’m entitled to do anything I want, given that I wasn’t the one who pulled up anchor a couple months back. It’s nice to have that understanding expressed.
Having this resolved comes at a good time. There’s a potential that I’m going to spend some money I shouldn’t spend, and get the fuck out of dodge for a weekend. I’ve found out that there’s a scooter rally in Wine Country this coming weekend, and for a hundred or so bucks, I can have a great three days of fun with people who are positive, zany, intelligent, daring, and adventurous. Exactly the qualities I’m looking for in new people.
Am I going to sit around and be celibate as I hope that maybe I’ll get back together with this guy I really like? Absolutely not. I’m not going to sleep around, but I’ll see if some connection can be found somewhere. I have to presume things may never re-ignite, tragically, but I’m also hoping that being back on the market will remind me of what I might’ve had, and keep that desire awake a little.
Man, got to tell you, some days I really miss being six years old. It was all so simple, wasn’t it? Is it any wonder everyone gets felled with an early-20s depression as they realize everything’s just gotten infinitely more challenging?
Pity I have nothing to drink, but that’s probably a good thing. I do, however, have a roach I can smoke. I feel a little toying with dope coming on in my new future. A little bender can’t really hurt.

11 thoughts on “And then there was None

  1. j

    Being a kid was much easier…except for the fact the parents dictated everything.

    Go and have fun in Wine Country. You deserve it.

  2. Professor Fate

    Chronic pain produces the same chemical imbalance as depression. Six months after my accident, the put me on Zoloft. Neurologist and pain management folks just kept upping the dosage. I finally told them to “Fuck off. I am done with Zoloft. I am done with the narcotics.” That was one of the best days every. The withdrawal sucked but it was a distraction from the pain.

    You were broke ass poor for a while. If you can squeeze some dollars out for fun, I think you should do it.

  3. Rex and Roxy

    Glass half full, girl! Now you get to write about (and experience) being single for a while.

    And if you’re a masochist, you can go read about happily married people having sex ๐Ÿ™‚

    BTW, 10 was my magic age. That’s where I’d go if I could relive a year.

  4. me

    Awwww Steff… (and that’s all I’m going to say re: the split.)

    I had never heard ot the early-20s depression! In retrospect it does make sense. Would love to hear your take on it (figuratively speaking).

    – me.

  5. Damnation's Cellar

    Well, rats. Sorry to hear about the breakup. I felt a sense of accomplishment when I got to the point that I could have a breakup that wasn’t horrible. So good for you on that front.

    A little bender can’t really hurt. That’s what I thought yesterday, too. I learned today that I was wrong. ๐Ÿ™‚


  6. Cherry Bomb

    I’m sorry to hear about your recent breakup, but I gotta say, there must be something in the water because we are ALL going through it. Couples breaking up left and right…

    I’m not sure if its the planetary alignment or just the time of year, but we should make some fun out of it and throw a party for all us newly singles. At least we could all get together and bitch en masse…

    Sending you good vibes.

  7. Haaaaaaa

    Sorry to hear you and The Guy went separate ways. I think you made a worthwhile exception in staying friends with him. Maybe it will lead to something good later, maybe not, but worth a try.

    I hope you have some fun soon!


  8. scribe called steff

    Virgin — Doesn’t harm me, just keeps me from being motivated. Sigh. But hey. It’ll get me to sleep tonight after my bad day.

    Haaaa — You know, I suspect we’ll have a future, if no one arrives in my life before then. Right now, considering my new ongoing chaos, I won’t really be looking for a bit.

    Cherry — That fuckin’ water! I’ll party with you any time, any where. Name it, girlie.

    Pinta — That’s when I was wandering around Tijuana Mexico, having walked away from my folks. For two hours I explored the markets and almost bought a new rawhide leather vest, when my folks finally found me. Ah, six. Freedom.

    DC — Yes, it sucks. As for the benders, pot you can get up and go in the morning. Booze, not so much. Smoke pot. It rocks.

    Me — Hmm, well, my curry’s about done. Maybe I’ll do a post on it. I think it’s a coming of age thing; we realize life will never be simple again, and that now, suddenly, we have responsibilities, and now, suddenly, we’re lacking in excuses, like “I’m too young!” or “I didn’t know better!” And it’s scary. And it’s hard. And most of us experience drastic shifts in social realms — ie, friends move, leave, change, etc. Complicated, really.

    R & R — Yeah, I’m sure my writing will bounce back quickly. I’ll try to enjoy it. It’s not like I’m single with the fear of never dating anyone again. I know there’s this potentially awesome relationship that is due for reexamination in six months. In the meantime, I’ll look around, but I think this’ll be a strange and possibly good time for me.

    Fate — Yeah, I was depressed when injured. I’d like to see the guy on a MILD anti-depressant. I don’t think he needs much. It’s just out of grasp, not across town or something. We’ll see.

    J — Kidness rocked. Wine country’s out. I’m broke again.

  9. l'amoureux de KT

    Hey, me and some local pals are whooping it up in Vancouver this Wed and Thurs – We’ll spot you a bunch of drinks and a cab ride if you wanna show up!

    Haven’t picked a venue yet, but we’re pretty flexible.

    Gotta balance the books somehow – we get a lot out of your blog!


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