Thoughts On a Monday

I wonder sometimes if not being alone with our thoughts is why Becoming Single is often so hard for us. We finally feel like the scary silences are broken by this voice of this Other who has acclimatized themselves to becoming a part of our lives. And, one day, they go. For good, for bad, for now, for all time, they simply go.
Then, silence. And in that silence, questions of doubt, of your worth, of your import, they all start to whisper and wail in the walls of your mind, and then where are you? In a storm of your making. A thought storm whirling around your newly deserted cerebellum.
It doesn’t matter that I don’t think it’s me that caused my recent break-up. It doesn’t matter that I believe myself to be a good person to know and a kindred heart. It doesn’t matter that I know what talents I have an all areas of my life. What matters is, I’ve suddenly found myself single again. Naturally, the next step is to wonder what’s wrong with myself and why it didn’t work.
I’ve done a little of that this past week, but not nearly as much as I would have expected. Probably one of the least likely questions for me to ask myself, actually, is “why me?”
I once wrote a rant about how much existentialists piss me off, and how much I hate that question, “Why me? Why me?” I think I said, “Why you? Because it’s your fucking turn!” Maybe that’s as simple as it really is. I don’t ask why I go through adversity. I know why, ‘cos shit happens, and this shit is my shit, and trying to figure it out beyond that is gonna give me an embollism.
Sitting around after a week like I’ve had and wondering “Why me?” isn’t exactly productive. I do it, though, but to a different end.
I don’t remember how much I’ve said, but the people who laid me off on day two of employment have offered to have me back to the job on August 1st, and I’ve agreed. To tell you the truth, when I first started that job, I was expecting to be hired for another on my very first morning with them. I wound up catching my prospective new employer at a bad time, tried calling later, and remain in the dark about that job to this day. The point is, I walked into my “new” job with a really bad attitude. I didn’t want to be there, and wanted to be hired for another job by noon.
In short, I was a fucking spoiled brat who was living anywhere but in the present. WHAT IF I lost that job to get reminded of how appreciative we ought to be about everything that comes our way? What if I lost it to be shown just how wrong negativity and cynicism can be? I thought I would hate the job, because my perception was that it was 80% bookkeeping. Know what? That’s the last dude’s incompetence. In my world, it’s 6-8 hours a week, and that’s after having been around for a week. In fact, now that I’ve been there a week, I know the job’s a good fit for me. What’s more, I’ll be awesome at it.
So, this week and next week, I’m working for my old employers. (Never burn bridges.) Then, I’ll return. It’s nice, it’s the first job I’ve had in a long time where I’ve been able to walk in, figure out what needs doing, and not have anyone on my back micromanaging me. Some of us folk have motivation and a sense of work ethic, you know, and we work better without being told what to do. That’s me! If there’s anything I felt at the end of my day Friday, I’d have to say empowerment would be the word.
In the end, I’m glad to be single this week. I’ve been through the ringer, and while it’s awesome to have someone around to be a support and all, there’s also something to be said for enduring adversity on your own. This has been the second worst summer of my life. Hands down. Only the summer when my mother died was worse than this. And I’m so proud, I guess, that I’ve kept it together to a degree. I’ve not let all of you in as much as I could have about all the things I’ve been feeling. Those who read The Ditch probably know more about that side of my life of late, but either way, I’ve been stifling some of the fear.
I had a boyfriend once who fancied himself a philosopher. We were talking about insanity and Catch-22. If you think you can go insane, does that mean you’re more sane, or already insane? I believed then, as I do now, that it means you’re probably less likely to go insane if you realize the potential you hold for becoming insane, if that makes any sense.
After this past month, I can tell you unequivocally that I think it’s possible I could one day lose my sanity. I don’t think I ever will, but I could. This past six weeks felt pretty fucking close to it, but it never did happen.
I’m finally in silence, though. Not only am I single again, but the constant bickering going on at the back of my mind has ceased – the insecurities, the worries, the wonders. For now, it’s ceased.
There’s the old saying, “Why do I keep hitting myself in the head with a hammer?” The answer? “Because it feels so good when I stop.” Welcome to my life. And this, this is “stopped,” and it feels so-o-o good.

2 thoughts on “Thoughts On a Monday

  1. Anonymous

    Steff hon, you know we all luv you, and it’s not your fault, it’s not the Guy’s fault.

    It is time to put this out of your mind and behind you, and get on with it…that thing called “life”.

    Rumor has it that George Clooney has you on his speed-dial, and might just call up soon. 😉

    To call up a corny moment in memorable tv series history, in the Season 2 finale of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, evil Angel tells Buffy that there’s no one else, and after all is said and done, she’s alone (as in y’know, she’s the only one she can depend on). Then she got up and really kicked his ass.

    So anyway, I forget my point there, but how about goin out and kickin some butt and takin some names, ok.

    Besides, you got the Olympics coming around in a couple of years.

    And anyhow, we’re all impatiently waiting for your first podcast.

  2. scribe called steff

    I don’t think “it’s time” to put “this” out of my mind — it’s just the current state of mind. I’ll move on soon enough, but to rush myself and force myself after something I may not be ready to do just isn’t wise.

    Besides, it was an insane week and I’ve barely stopped spinning yet. Gimme a few days to acclimate, will ya? Yeesh. The Western Way — “Aw, it’s done and gone, get over it.” (Not attacking you, that’s just one of the things I hate about North America — if someone dies or some major lifechange hits, we’re supposed to be adjusted to it by end of business Friday, you know? Other parts of the world allow for mourning to be a more natural process. I believe in that. I think we ought to own the emotions we have at any given time, and then move on as we’re right to do so. Rushing is no good.)

    As for getting up and kicking ass, oh, yeah, I’m trying, don’t you worry. I’m not trying to sit around in mourning for life’s challenges and a dead relationship — not at all. But I’m not going to force the thoughts or feelings out of me. I mean, if that’s where I am, then that’s where I am. I’ve actually been out quite a bit this past weekend, and was out tonight, and Wednesday I have plans, and Thursday is a concert, and Friday is a party. So… I ain’t licking the floor and sobbing piteously or anything. I’m just… mentally occupied.

    You have to keep in mind, I was also unhappy for more than the last two months in that relationship and never felt able to write about it ‘cos I didn’t want to hurt him or the relationship. Now, I can.

    You’ll just have to deal. ‘sides, there are some others with broken hearts who appreciate my hanging around.

    And you’ll just have to wait with the podcast. I foresee about three weeks or so wait. Soon. The mic is now on my desk. I installed the program tonight, and this weekend I’ll play with it to see if I can get it working. I’m thinking of content now. I think it’ll be a Get To Know Your Steff scenario, possibly with readings from my past as a retroscective intro, with some original work in between.

    I also need to design my new blog. I’m going to have a third blog, a “companion” blog to the podcast. It’ll be called, like the podcast, Smutt & Steff. It’s borrowing from the classic cartoon Mutt & Jeff ‘cos I like the retro feel of it.

    And no, this blog is going nowhere. It stays, but production will go down. With three blogs to read me on, you don’t get no crying rights about that one.

    Anyhow, if I’m mentally obsessing about the demise of my relationship and the financial constraints of the recent past, then that’s my prerogative. The wounds are fresh; I’m barely evening picking scabs at this point. Pick, pick, pick.

    Don’t worry, I’ll cope well enough with shit, but don’t expect a lot of originality in these next two weeks. 😉 Okay, some, but… 🙂

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