You asked? Some thoughts on "cuckolding"

I was asked a while back what my take on cuckolding is.
I didn’t ask what the reader’s interpretation of the word is, but there’s a historical definition of it meaning that the male in a relationship is faithful while the woman can do whatever or whomever she likes. It’s, I guess, a sample of “reverse” sexual dominance played out in a social manner.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m old-fashioned. I’m a one-guy/one-gal kind of chick and I don’t foresee that changing. Relationships are hard enough for me without throwing potential mind-fucks into the equation.
That being said, whatever the hell gets your rocks off, man. If you’re in a relationship and you’ve set ground rules that state Sunday nights you have mashed potatoes, Mondays are for football, and, oh, yeah, you can fuck whoever you want as long as it doesn’t interfere with your plans as a couple, then so be it.
I don’t really see where my opinion matters one damned bit. I’m sure there are people who make lifestyle choices and then feel awkward for living outside the norm and that they’d like someone like me to come along and say “Hurrah for individuality!” but the fact is, you got to find your approval from within, and what I think, or anyone else for that matter, shouldn’t impact you in the least. So don’t take offense but I think it’s all bullshit, myself.
I will never buy into polyamory as a lifestyle. I don’t think I could ever forgive a man for cheating on me. I have never cheated on a man – not even a kiss or a flirtatious email has passed from me when I’m dedicated to a lover. I will do everything in my power to ensure I remain faithful in any relationship I’m in. I believe in monogamy, and I think monogamy fucking rocks.
That being said, relationships are hard. There are times when they cause nothing but heartbreak, and times when being with that person can take you lower than you’d have thought possible, but that’s just more of what life really is. It’s adversity that’s occasionally peppered with greatness.
I think swinging, polyamory, and all that shit are ways people have conceived of to take the sting out of the difficulty that comes with monogamy. I believe they probably truly do love the primary person in their relationship, but that the hard times overwhelm them, so incorporating others into the relationship is their way of minimizing the emotional intensity. I think some people have issues with monogamy. I think some people simply have what society deems as loose morals. I think some people are just scared to be with one person, ‘cos if that person ups and walks, then what would they be left with? And naturally, some people are just scared of being alone.
Am I oversimplifying things? Oh, probably. But that’s what those of us who’ll never, ever understand it do. Am I judging them? I suppose you could make the argument that I am, but I’m not. I simply don’t understand those lifestyle choices and never will. I don’t think I need to apologize for my lack of comprehension, and I certainly won’t pretend to understand it when I can’t.
I’m no idealist. I don’t believe there’s only one person who’s right for me. I’m sure that with a little compromise and a lot of understanding that there are a lot of men I could make a life with. There is no one kind of man I fall for, and there’s not just one fit for me. I’ve fallen hard for more than one man in my life, but that doesn’t mean I can’t commit to just one.
I think monogamy’s a pretty sexy journey – getting to know the little things that make someone tick can be a fun and interesting trip to take. And I’ve had my heart broken. Some days I feel like my heart’s been broken so often that I’m simply broke, and other days I feel like I’ve somehow Krazy-Glued it back together enough that it’s got some bounce in it. And yet I’m still willing to put all my eggs in one basket. I’ll take that chance.
I’ll tell you one thing, though. It bothers me there’s a term for a relationship in which a woman is the one who sleeps around and not the man. I was talking about the duplicity of women’s sexuality the other night with a chick and we reached consensus about just how much we both despised the word “cougar,” for example.
If you’ve been locked in a closet these many years, a Cougar is said to be a woman who seeks out younger men. I think it’s bullshit. Men are seldom ever called “dirty old men” unless they more than double the woman’s age. Otherwise it’s accepted practice that an older man sees a younger woman.
When I was aggressively playing the dating game last summer, fall, and winter, I definitely hooked up with some younger guys. (The funniest account is here.) I’m 32 for a few more weeks, and I got it on with a couple guys in their mid-20s, and I was labeled a cougar. What the fuck? A five-year age spread and I’m somehow some amoral woman with little regard for age?
Fuck you and your urban dictionary, buddy boy. I’m sick of sexual terms that distinguish women as being somehow amoral for engaging in the same acts that men have been committing for centuries.
Equality’s come a hell of a long way, but some things still need to change. This is the first and last time you’ve heard the words cuckolding and cougar on this site, people. Women are sexual creatures and it’s time we stopped apologizing for it.

7 thoughts on “You asked? Some thoughts on "cuckolding"

  1. DarkHorse

    You know? That’s amazing.

    monogamy’s not my thing. it’s really, *really* not. i’ve tried it, tried hard. it makes me miserable to be so completely curtailed. at the same time, i don’t think i could love more than one person, but i don’t see why my sex life should be restricted to one other person because of that.

    that choice – that morality – has recently lost me my home, most of my posessions and almost all of my friends. because people who don’t see it my way (ie, almost everybody) decided it was fine to act on their opinions.

    i’ve got no problem that you or anyone else doesn’t dig the way i love my life. i don’t choose to live like they do either.

    but i do think it’s time people stopped judging other people and *acting* based on that negative judgement, simply because someone’s not doing what you’re doing – whether it’s non-exclusive relationships, dating younger men, whatever.

    live your life the way that pleases you and let everyone else do the same, that’s what i say.

  2. youngster

    Hi Steff:

    I am a huge fan of your writing. Your blogs define the genre for me.

    Keep up the good work and best of luck with your podcasts!

  3. scribe called steff

    Darkhorse — Well, y’know, if you break the rules of convention in a conventional relationship, you pay the price. I’ve been thinking about writing something about when convention can’t (or shouldn’t) be changed. Maybe I’ll get around to that.

    It’s too bad you paid that price. When you’re in a relationship, though, the choices you make don’t just affect your life. Either you walk the fuck away, or you respect how it shakes down for your partner. Too many people don’t. Hard lessons get learned that way. Here’s hoping you have better luck next time.

    Youngster — I define the genre? Holy smokes. Nice of you to say. I love positive feedback, but that’s just crazy talk — I love it!

    Thanks for the luck wishes. I think I’ll do all right. I’m starting to get the feel for what I want to achieve. 🙂

  4. DarkHorse

    sorry, forgot to mention… none of the trouble this stirred up was with my partner, who’s fine with the way i am. it’s just other people deciding they had the right to butt in.

    and i too await the podcast with expectation 🙂

  5. scribe called steff

    Ah, yeah, well, people just need to mind their own fucking business. The only time I think people have a right to nose in is when there’s abuse going on, and then the onus is on them to do the right thing. But when it’s adults consenting to live a different lifestyle, then why’s it their concern? Fix your own damned life, is what I think.

    Some days it just makes me wanna crack open a can o’ whupass, y’know? Yeesh. “Noseyparkers,” as gramma woulda said.

    And thanks for the anticipation. I like being anticipated.

  6. serenity

    i am 38, and i have told more than one person that i will kill anyone who calls me a cougar. i think strictly speaking though, cougar refers to leathery ‘old’ girls (like, 45+) who are pursuing the whole bar scene and the younger men who come with it.
    i was monogamous for 17 years. i feel like i’m finally out on parole…it feels so good not to have to be confined by monogamy…

  7. A Scribe Called Steff

    1. Hazza
    Posted February 3, 2007 at 3:20 am | Permalink | Edit
    Its disgraceful that you are getting few comments, when your writing is so interesting and analytical. Unfortunately this pane only allows a very short response, so will contact you in person also.
    I disagree slightly on what you’ve said about cuckolding and cougars.
    Firstly, banning words is often a dangerous avenue, given that words are used to describe very specific phenomena or things. Clearly, being cuckolded is a very real phenomenon that has gone on for centuries. It involves an assumption that the man is a victim of the contempt of his wife. But there is also an assumption that he is a fool. The whole village knows what she is doing, but not he. You cannot abolish this meaning.
    The same rule goes for cougar, though in a different context. Anyway, it could be seen as a positive phenomenon, with more women today daring to date younger men in a “predatory” style, though they should not be looked down on for their confidence.
    2. polyme
    Posted April 24, 2007 at 4:34 pm | Permalink | Edit
    I have never seen a dictionary definition of “cheating’ saying anything other than being deceived or to practice fraud or dishonesty. even the biblical definition of adultery is defined incorrectly. Throughout the bible there are narrations of leaders and prophets who had more than one wife and even took other wives that weren’t theirs. Even David king of Israel took a woman who was not his and God only punished him for taking as a wife someone who was not his and causing the husband to be killed.
    The definition of adultery is taking someone or something which does not belong to you. Sure, today no human should “belong” to any other person but organized religion has corrupted the original meaning to suit their particular bias.
    If one gives permission for a wife, husband or either to have a friend with whom they might also have a sexual relationship does not make it ‘cheating’ no matter how society has corrupted the meaning of cheat and adultery. One does not have to accept this for themselves but don’t criticize others if they have chosen that life. It’s not for everyone!

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