Rant: Tired of Defending a "Party of One"

As a blogger, nothing gets me going better than comments. It’s when people comment that we know we’ve said something not only worth reading, but worth considering, and sometimes even worth arguing.

Yesterday’s posting
inspired a bit of a discussion between a couple of readers, so I’ll excerpt those comments here:

Anon: “And that’s the secret about being single, it’s realizing life doesn’t have to only be in parties of two.”
Even when you realize it, you need to make a conscious effort to remind yourself of it every single day. We’re all being bombarded with that you’re-nobody-until-somebody-loves-you message 24/7, and it can be hard not to be swayed by it even when you know better.
CJ commented: I actually don’t find it all that difficult to ignore that kind of generalized message. I’ve come to really believe you can’t love somebody until you love yourself; stir in a general skepticism of ‘socially accepted’ concepts, with a dash of the cynical standby “people in large groups are stupid,” and it becomes surprisingly easy to dismiss whatever subliminal messages might be thrown my way.
Anon retorted: If you buck the pairing trend long enough, the messages become overt as well as subliminal. You may not agree with the ideals of society, but you still have to live in it & interact with it every day. Sometimes having to be constantly prepared to deal with flak for being alone gets old; sometimes it causes doubts. If you don’t find yourself occasionally susceptible to that, then good for you.

This is going to be a heated post, hence why it’s a “rant”. But it’s easy to think I’m aiming this at CJ, but I’m not. If you read the comments after this posting, I’ll expound in there. Long story short is, his comment just inspired me. Heh. For better or worse, hey?
I’ve always been the kind of person who would rather be single than fuck around swimming in a dating pool filled with less than desirable options. I go through dating phases, and either I find someone, or the search for someone begins to tire me and I think “All this bullshit energy I’m wasting looking for someone could be used to live my life instead, so what the fuck am I looking for, really, anyhow?” followed by a realization of, “I don’t even need this!”
Someone asked me the other night why I haven’t been at least trying to get laid, and the answer was simple, “A, my options for getting laid haven’t been inspiring, and, B, the only thing worse than not getting laid is having bad sex, so, I’m opting out for now.”
And because I think like this, you’d think it’d be easy for me to ignore the “You’re nobody till somebody loves you” old line that keeps running through society and crooners of an age gone by.
And you would be wrong.
I’m often finding myself feeling like a loser because I feel left out in love. It may happen for only 30 seconds, or it may happen for three days, but it happens. Why? Because I’m made of flesh and blood and I’m stuck in a world infinitely bigger than me. It happens. And it will continue to happen.
When people like CJ can flippantly say “Yeah, well, ignore it”, it makes me think of two things. Either he’s under 25 and hasn’t experienced the way flying solo feels when you get embroiled in your career, and life is full of long days and nights that become more quiet than not, and week after week after week after week, or he’s just never opted to fly solo long enough.
And it all changes after 30. When you hit 30 and you start opting to be alone, like the Anon had said, the messages get more and more overt. Especially if you’re female. Of course guys should stay single and play the field! He can get shagged by different women all the time! But if you’re a woman, you’re an old maid-to-be, or slut like Samantha from Sex and the City.
“Well, wouldn’t you like to settle down?” gets asked of us. Like it’s some big switch we flick on and just magically find the perfect partner. Oh, here, let’s just turn on that big shiny neon “MATE ME” sign on my forehead, right? It’s THAT easy to fall in love and spend the rest of your life nestled in those lovin’ arms. And it’s a green light from our desire to finding the perfect mate for us? Just like that? So simple. Sign me up! Yeah, sure. Right.
Or we get “Wow, I can’t believe someone hasn’t snapped you right up yet?”, which encourages mental retorts along the line of “That makes fucking two of us, genius” or “You shoulda seen who wanted to do the snapping”, but instead we smile sweetly and say something coy, like, “Why don’t you tell me?”
Then we’re told by the media, “Well, there’s so many people out there looking! Look at the popularity of eHarmony and Lavalife! Finding a mate has never, ever been easier! You just have to look! Whoop, there it is!
The trouble is, finding a mate is easier than ever, but so too is getting rejected and being treated like shit. The online dating world is fraught with inconsideration, it’s-all-about-me attitudes, and probably way more promiscuity than any of us really realizes right now. For every bit of its appeal, there’s just as much downside, and as easy as it is, it’s also like ordering a side of bullshit, too.
The further you get over 30, the more inclined you become in keeping to yourself, the more overt these messages get. God help you if you’re a woman in her 40s who doesn’t see the need to date. The media always has you pegged as desperate to take any date that comes your way. It’s always the woman in her 40s or 50s who’s got her ear to the ground for any moving-and-shaking in the newly-eligible-man category. Like, “Did you hear Larry just got divorced? He’s available again!”
It’s bullshit. There’s not a lot of acceptance for those of us who seem to think life’s all right with me, myself, and I. Instead, we’re painted as being damaged goods or just trying to make positive of a negative situation, when the reality is, we’re living the life we know can be good, rewarding, and fulfilling, and we’re just tired of shaking up the mix with unnecessary dating that seems to never go anywhere other than closer to a steaming pile of bullshit with a few orgasms thrown in for kicks.
What’s wrong with putting the brakes on and being that relaxed, carefree person who’s not worrying about the bullshit races that come with life? Why do we get made to feel like we need to defend our decision to not swim with the relationship tide?
Why should we even have to fucking ignore any subliminal advertising anyhow?
You know what I think? I think it’s because half the fucking relationship-forever people are secretly, deep down inside, in places no one wants to talk about, jealous as all hell that we’ve got complete control over our time schedules, and they just want us to be as consumed by obligation and lack of space as they are.
Yeah, well, you people ain’t fucking fooling me, man. I know my single life is a good one. Sure, relationships are nice. When they work. The rest of the time they should come with signs that read, “I’m so wrong for you, you should run like the fucking wind, honey”.
I’m going to keep my options open, and if someone fabulous comes along, I’m going there. Oh, absolutely. Going, going, gone. I’m not going to let opportunity pass me by. None of us should.
But I’m not settling for anything less than I’ve earned, and, until that day comes, book me in as a party of one. With no apologies.

9 thoughts on “Rant: Tired of Defending a "Party of One"

  1. griffin

    I’ve been reading for a long time, and posting as Anonymous just recently, but I have to delurk and say “Bravo!” The next time I feel like I’m being forced to justify my aging solo existence (late 30s, oh noes!) I’m just going to send my critics a link to this post.

    Maybe it’s dark, but I’ve always figured that not every pot *gets* a lid, you know? The wholesale marketing of storybook-style Romance (by the likes of Disney starting when we’re kids and then reinforced unhappily ever after by countless others) seems to have fooled society into thinking that everyone is guaranteed A Perfect Partner. Of course it would be lovely if that were true, but is it really all that likely?

    In Life’s game of Musical Chairs, some people are just going to be left standing, and it won’t always be because they’re freaks or deeply flawed. Sometimes that’s just how it plays out.

    And accepting this as a possibility is not the same as giving up. I’ve been asked, “Don’t you *want* to meet someone?” “Well, sure, but I think one must also be prepared in case that doesn’t happen.” “Oh, don’t say THAT! Don’t Give Up!!” I honestly don’t see it as giving up, but as looking at things realistically.

    Everything has its pros – *and* its cons. I love being single, and when The Bombardment gets to me I probably don’t appreciate my singledom as much as I should.

    This blog is a fantastic reminder, though, and that *is* greatly appreciated! I’m on the wrong coast to buy you a beer, Steff, but you deserve one. Or many! 🙂

  2. Flying Angus

    One level you do a great job celebrating being single, and that’s one of the things that first drew me to you. Obviously, there’s so much more to your interests than that, but that’s when you first got me. But let’s be honest that what I’m reading from you is as much about how it sucks to try to not be single as how great it is to be single.

    I’ll straight up say that when I’ve been single it’s largely been involuntary or because I was damaged by my last relationship or because I got really psyched about working out or who am I kidding I really have no idea.

    There’s no easy answers, but thanks again for bringing all these things together (loneliness, lust, control over your own life, on-line dating insanity, body image, social expectations….).

  3. C.J. Strata

    I feel I am being attacked here—not the first time, either—so apologies in advance if I’m being unnecessarily defensive. Considering this seems to be about me, though, and one of the tags is ‘stupid people’…I don’t think my being offended is unwarranted.

    Steff, I was not, in your wordes, ‘flippantly’ saying anything. You’ll note my comment was speaking strictly about my own perspective—this was intentional. I am well aware my experience is not everyone’s, and further, I am well aware my youth keeps me from fully understanding the pressure you’re talking about. I am indeed under 25; I actually recall thinking about mentioning it when I was commenting earlier…must’ve forgotten the following morning when I finished typing. Teach me to finish what I start before falling unconscious…

    I dunno. Maybe I worded things poorly. If I did come across as haughty or flippant, apologies; that wasn’t my intent.

  4. Scribe Called Steff

    (I’ll reply to the other comments later.)

    CJ Strata–

    No, you’re not being attacked, I’m just blowing off steam.

    You may want to be defensive about your age, but the reality is, age is very important to this discussion. What’s easy to ignore under 25 grows harder and harder to ignore over the years.

    This is an issue I’m not alone in my anger on. Anyone who can ALWAYS just brush off the “nobody till somebody loves you” mentality of the media/society has never really understood what being truly alone-alone feels like.

    I’m sorry if you took offence, but I think the way you stated your comment came off like you were sort of being a bit condescending and poo-pooing what this angst of having to defend being alone really feels like, so I was sort of running with that.

    I didn’t write the posting against you, though, I wrote it because you’re speaking from a pretty common perspective, like “Oh, it’s not a big deal” but it IS a big deal — much more of a big deal than anyone wants to admit. People commit suicide every year because they feel “alone” alone, and in a society that continues to be derisive towards people who are NOT in the proverbial party of two, that’s irresponsible.

    So, yeah, I come from a pretty militant perspective on this, but I’ve seen what suicidal aloneness looks like in others, I’ve received scary emails from readers, and I’ve been concerned about lonely family in the past.

    Whew, see? I get wound up on this issue. But this is my writing style, and it’s what I tend to revert to, particularly on subjects I’m really hot about, like the “party of two” bullshit in society all the time.

    Anyhow, yes, I know I’m harsh but I wasn’t aiming it at you, and shall now add a wee addendum saying just that.

  5. C.J. Strata

    Wow, new response just as I’m about to make a new one! Nice timing. 😉

    Anyway, thankee for the clarification. As I said earlier, probly woulda helped if I’d thrown in a quick “But that’s just me” statement. I’m usually good about that sort of thing, too…

    Ah well. Cinches the “Don’t write something over two days” lesson, I guess. =P

  6. Scribe Called Steff

    Well, write it over two days, but look at it objectively with some removal, right? 🙂 Heh heh heh.

    😉

    Angus — Yeah, I’m never going to be 100% positive and totally in love with being single. I think we all fear the inevitability of death and dying alone. Dying with a witness means we’ve lived. I had an old coworker get found 4 days after his death… died on a friday evening of a long weekend and no one noticed he was dead until he didn’t come in to work for a second day.

    I want to write about the fear of dying alone, ‘cos that’s something I think doesn’t get touched upon often, so I’d like to tackle it and see what it brings out of me.

    But life isn’t perfect any which way you serve it. Whether it’s living the married life or stuck in single, everyone wants something they don’t got, so finding what’s great in what you do got, THAT’s the only secret to life I’ve been able to find yet.

    So, yeah, I appreciate single ‘cos I know there’ll be a day when I’m stealing a private moment in a cafe sort of wistfully remembering the ambling times of being single. Always happens. 😉

    But… thanks so much!!

    Griffin — Thanks. 🙂

    Yeah, we have the choice of enjoying what life has given us and not fighting against the reality, because when you’re trying to get something else, doesn’t it explicitly mean you’re not satisfied with what you have?

    A lot of people aren’t comfortable with themselves, though, and that’s their loss. The rest of us who enjoy our company shouldn’t have to apologize for it. 😛

    Thanks for the delurking. I applaud delurking!

  7. Anonymous

    Thanks for making the point that dating is different over 30 – every time I complain of the difficulties of finding a satisfying relationship (at my current age of 34) to my (twin, married since she was 29) sister, she totally gives me the “I totally understand what you are going through, I was single too, but you should just get over it” line. it gets to me. it really does. especially given all the angst-ridden phone calls I endured when she was dating. at 25. but that’s a personal rant.

    But its not only that the dating pool gets smaller after 30. One point you touched on, but didn’t explicitly mention (at least in this post)…. one of the most difficult parts of dating post-30 is that you have a greater appreciation for, and attachment to, all the things you can do by yourself. which makes adjusting to being with someone, and being tolerant of their own single-person habits and desires, all the more difficult. I often worry that I’ve adjusted overly well to being mostly single. As (it seems) have many of the guys I date. it becomes somehow too much to ask to adjust your schedule to someone else’s, or to compromise on what you want to do because he doesn’t share in that.

    these are the things I obsess over a long day at work and a couple of glasses of wine.

  8. a

    hmmm, just have to leave my 2 cents….

    i am now 30, happily single, and don’t plan on spawning ankle biters before i finish my PhD in 6 years. one of my mothers friends asked her if i really wanted kids. my mom told her that i would simply go buy one if needed after i finished my education. granted, it wasn’t a nice way of saying it, but it did get the woman to shut up.

    i have another dilemma too, though. i happen to be a Domme. it is part of my life, and as such, i am looking for something pretty specific. i am gladly taking my time because i don’t feel like going through the whole divorce thing again.

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