My First Time (with a Home Pregnancy Test)

There I was, desperately locking and re-locking the bathroom door in the back of a Subway sandwich shop, panicking that I might be heard, or maybe the Catholic in me felt the location was just morally wrong for that sort of thing, but I didn’t give a shit. The time was nigh, now or never, or at least now-sooner-than-later, as fate might have it anyhow, so I was doin’ it.
I tore the pregnancy test open, pulled out the stupid stick, lowered my pants and panties, and peed on that thingy, with my Chicken Caesar sub a couple feet away in that plastic bag, mocking my efforts.
Three loooonng minutes later, I learned I wasn’t pregnant. So, naturally, I did another test. A second opinion on some matters is the only way to go.
Yes! Again, no bun in the oven! No baby on the way! No mini-me! No eternal hellfire for my still-too-Catholic soul! (That is, if I didn’t count the pre-marital sex I’d been enjoying again of late).
I exited that dingy bathroom to find a line-up of three people glowering at me for my eight-minute visit to the only washroom for the whole joint. I shrugged, “Hey, it was labourious”, and shuffled obliviously to a booth nearby.
I swear, I’ve never had a better Chicken Caesar sub in my life.
That’s actually the only time I’ve ever been noticeably “late” for a period, since I’m the irregular type anyhow, so I’ve never done a “home” pregnancy test since. There’s been a couple morning-after pills, but that’s another story.
But I don’t get this whole Hollywood thing, how any woman who buys a preggers test has the wherewithal to finish her shopping, walk around the block, get home, and then do it in the sanctity of her own bathroom. Like that’s the only place a “home” pregnancy test works.
Hey, when there’s the potentiality of being knocked up, some of us are consumed by the TELL ME NOW, MOTHERFUCKER urge to, you know, cross the fucking street and go into the first cafe or fast-food joint with a private door-locking bathroom to do the three-minute test then and there, and ease our mind.
Or maybe I’m alone in the universe, but I really don’t think so, even if patience certainly ain’t my strong suit.
So, consider this a fun-filled not-so-scientific study in which you can help me shatter yet another myth out there.
Where have you taken your pregnancy tests? C’mon, most of us have done one. Was it at home? Work? A friend’s? What was the outcome? How’d you deal?

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9 thoughts on “My First Time (with a Home Pregnancy Test)

  1. N

    If you had returned a positive result you’d wish you were in your own home where you can panic and freak out in private.

    Trust me on this.

    I’ve done 4 tests. Three at home, one at work. Home is definitely the way to go for me – in each case I put it off for as long as I could anyway, waiting and waiting for my period, so a few extra hours wait was no big deal.

    The test I did at work was during my lunch break and it turned out positive, which was not welcome news for me. It was the longest, most agonizing afternoon of my life, waiting to get home so I could bawl my eyes out.

    But everyone’s different.

    I was on holiday with a friend in Turkey once and she thought she was pregnant and just couldn’t wait a minute longer to put her mind at rest. We were in a semi-remote area so we walked through fields to the nearest village, found the one and only pharmacy, finally managed to communicate what we wanted to the (stern Muslim male) pharmacist who spoke no English, got the test, then scampered back off into the fields to get the damn thing done, only to find the instructions were in Turkish and we couldn’t figure out what the result was!

    My friend wound up carrying it in her handbag for a few days until she worked up the courage to ask a Turkish lady to translate. It was negative. Ahhhh good times!

  2. Anonymous

    Wow! There is NO way that I can top that Turkish translation story, but I’ll add my story, anyway…

    Hubby and I had been trying to conceive for over a year. I had just gone by to finish my previously abandoned English degree at UT (Univ of TX – in Austin). I took my test in the 3rd floor bathroom of Parlin Hall (English bldg) on a break in between classes (I had walked to the off-campus drugstore to buy the test). The test was positive! It was impossible to focus during that next class, before I was able to go home and tell Hubby (this was before cell phones were omnipresent and Hubby was a cop at the time, so I couldn’t call him at work). My daughter will be 13 in 3 weeks!

    For my son, we weren’t trying at all – he was a very pleasant surprise 2 years later. I was on our annual ski trip and had the closest thing to a panic attack that I’ve ever had at the top of the mountain and just COULDN’T, WOULDN’T ski down. I just sat down in the snow and refused to move (I’m usually a kamikaze skier). I think that was Boy, making his presence known. I had a positive pregnancy test a couple days later (I hadn’t even suspected that I was pregnant).

    Of course, other than those two, I had lots of disappointing tests when we were trying before, but the good news is, they’ve pretty much evaporated from memory at this point…

    I’m glad that your test turned out the way you wanted it to, Steff.

  3. Anonymous

    Err…that was supposed to be “just gone BACK” to school…

    not enough coffee yet this morning…

  4. Mary Jane

    I’ve waited until I got home just so I could freak out in private if the test was positive. Thank god my tests have all been negative so no freak out necessary.

  5. single gal

    I thought I was pregnant, even after taking the morning after pill because I kept feeling something ‘down there’. Yeah, totally just my mind playing with me. Of course this was all caused by a condom coming off – INSIDE OF ME! After messing around with a friend.
    I wound up buying the pregnancy test at 7am at the 24 hr Shoppers on Davie Street before going to work. I had freaked out at a friend’s house the night before. I had to wait until I got home to confirm the best news – NEGATIVE! Thank gawd!I

  6. The Fellatio Artist & The Geek

    wow, I thought my wife was a little odd for doing her last (and final) test in a batrhoom at kentucky fried chicken. She thought she was pregnant…(we hadn’t conceived for 8 years, she had from time to time “felt pregnant and had spent I estimate -conservatively- hundreds of dollars on probably out of date dollar store pregnancy tests.)

    This one was now we have 5 kids! the last one is inevitably the most trouble..I think god sends difficult ones to experianced parents just to up the odds the child will be allowed to live!

  7. Scribe Called Steff

    N — You're probably right. I think I was pretty sure it would be negative, but maybe I was just impatient. I've never really cared about being in public or private at hard times because I'm so good at dealing with freak-outs and keeping things in check; maybe knowing was more important to me than the 20 minutes afterwards. I don't know. I know I mentally prepare myself for all possible outcomes in any dilemma, so maybe I felt I was ready either way.

    I doubt I'd do it in a Subway again, and I'd probably do it at home in my older, wiser years, but hey. 🙂

    Turkish story: Fucking awesome. I've heard of prescriptions and remedies posing problems in foreign languages, so it's not surprising, but a great story nonetheless! Thanks.

    Anon — At least I'm not alone taking tests out of the home. Ha. 🙂 Great story though. Does your girl know you found out about her in a bathroom? Heh heh. That's a pretty fun story too.

    MJ — WHEW, indeed. 🙂

    Single — Don't you just LOVE the Shoppers on Davie? Man, that place has saved my ass in the wee hours more than once, I tell you.

    Me, I'd probably have just taken the test and if I got bad news, called in sick for work. Mental health requires sick days, too. 🙂

    FA & TG — LoL. I think the smell of fried chicken would have been a dealbreaker for me, but that's awesome too. Five kids, my god. Want a lobotomy with that? 🙂

    With five kids I'd be feeling some placebo pregnancy from time to time too. But single and sans sex I identify it for what it is: Cramps, gas, or a bladder infection. 😛 Ha!

  8. having my cake

    I seem to recall doing one in the toilets when I was working – it was negative – but then I had to deal with disposing of all the wrappings. Any others have all been done in the privacy of my bathroom and, yes, some of them I did buy several hours earlier and waited until I could get home to find out the result. Mind you, there were a couple that had to be double bagged after use and carted into town for disposal in an anonymous waste bin.

  9. Curvaceous Dee

    I’ve taken a pregnancy test three times over the years – two at home, and one at the doctors (along with a blood test to make sure). All negative, thankfully!

    Interesting reading others’ experiences, though.

    xx Dee

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