On Female Masturbation, Faking Orgasms, & The Psychology of Sex

[Steff note: This posting began as an attempt for me to try and explain a little why women should act out loud when they’re masturbating in the privacy of home — thrusting, grabbing at their breasts and ass, grunting, whatever it takes… but it got a lot deeper and a lot bigger than just a posting on that — and has to do with women faking orgasms, being vocal during sex, and the psychology of sex. See? Something to chew on.]

Enjoying sex is all about learning to let go. It’s difficult for both sexes for different reasons.
Men, they have the pressure to perform and the demands of making their partner come before they do. It’s all about being hard, large, and getting it done in the right order. (No wonder so many opt for safe routines.)
Women, we have to get past all the bullshit that clutters the way between us and the fabled thing of glory, the orgasm. It’s a hard journey and it’s why some women–far too many, really–will always struggle with orgasms.
Guys want the one go-to it move that’ll get a chick off every single time. I thought I heard the Hallelujah chorus when I was young and heard a bunch of guys discussing the g-spot, like it was a sure-thing orgasm trick. But, in reality, most of them had probably never found it, and their girlfriends have likely all faked an orgasm just to get it over and done with.
Yes, guys, we’ve probably all done it. Yes, it’s happened to you. I don’t care if you’re Brad Pitt, a woman has faked an orgasm on you.
Because, sometimes, it’s just easier because we know our body isn’t going that way, and we don’t want you to think it’s you. And we don’t want you to keep trying, because then you (unwittingly?) make us feel like we’re the damaged goods. So, we fake it. And you know, deep down inside, you sometimes appreciate that we do.
So, I got to thinking: If pretty much every woman has faked an orgasm, why can’t more of them use theatrics during masturbation?
Here’s the thing. If sex is about letting go, and most women face problems of inhibitions, baggage, religious issues, and/or breaking free from society’s constraints for a few wild moments behind closed doors, then why not just force yourself to cut loose a little more during masturbation?
It worked for me. More on that later.
Allow me to digress here for a second. Quiet sex is all well and good, but if you can make a little noise, you should. By being vocal during sex — I’m not saying you have to shout — but by being vocal during sex, you tap into a more primal place psychologically. Don’t dismiss the headtrip of sex; getting into the mode and allowing yourself to get primal, however you define that, is essential to really getting something out of sex.
On that note, remaining quiet keeps you more internalized. Besides that, it limits the amount of sharing. You grunt, groan, gasp, shudder, whimper… All of those things contain very readable signs for a lover. They don’t need a megaphone, they don’t even need words. It all says so much. Plus, it’s amazing what some good rhythmic grunting can do to heighten the arousal… when it’s coming from you. And it typically excites men much, much more… and considering the challenge of owning a penis, that’s sometimes a pretty nice helping point.
Hell, I was one of those quiet-in-sex girls until I was about 30 or so, and I couldn’t believe how much more bang for my orgasm buck I was getting when I was getting vocal during sex. Much better result. I live in a wood-framed building, so I’m not some banshee or anything, but I’m no mute, either. Find the level that works for you, it’s not about volume. It’s about expression, expression of how you really feel, but without having to put words to it, all right? But words sure as hell don’t hurt. (Usually.)
So this exercise is all about that. Masturbating, for women who have no sex toys kicking around, doesn’t often involve a lot of inspired imagining when it comes to the idea of a guy inside her. That’s a very difficult sensation to imagine in the mind’s eye. Visualize it, yeah. Identify with its feeling, no. Clearly the girl in this underwear ad had no such struggle.
I think the trick is, you have to grunt or gasp or moan or whatever you like to do, in the cadence that you wish you were thrusting with someone. You know, “Oh… oh… oh! Oh…” It helps flick the switch in your mind and helps fool you ever so briefly that you’re transcending from fantasy to reality, and it gets a little bit hotter. Especially if you mimic the thrusting action at the same time. Grabbing your breast never hurts, either. No, really.
Until you’re able to get past your bullshit enough to grunt and moan aloud to yourself when no one’s going to see or know, you’re never, ever going to let down enough of your guard and reservations to really have some experiences with your lovers.
There are different places you can come from when you’re being sexual, and some of them are pretty unbelievable, and you don’t get there by being timid in bed or afraid to express yourself. There’s sex, and then there’s the mindblowing sex you always file away as a go-to image for masturbation down the line, and for that kind of sex, you need to lose your hang-ups.
Being a good (and confident) lover takes practice and the courage to try moves and techniques blind. It involves studying. It involves curiousity. And it really involves having a voice and knowing not only what you like… but how you like it.
That’s why we masturbate. We masturbate because, well, getting off feels fantastic and shouldn’t have to wait until we’re a party of two, but we also should be masturbating so we can sort of take notes on what blew our mind best. It’s how we’re able to tell a lover what part needs to be nibbled or toyed with, and where what should go.
Why we expect that lovers should just magically know how to make us orgasm I’ll never understand. You wouldn’t show up to a wardrobe stylist, tell them to dress you, but not give them any information about you, your life, your job, or your preferences, would you? So why won’t we tell our lovers what we want?
Masturbation’s the research process through which you can do that. Of course, they can and will bring their mix to the equation, but since it’s your body, you should at least give them an orientation now and then.
Practice, grasshopper. In fact, what are you doing? Go download some porn or something. Idle hands are the devil’s playthings, they say. Don’t be idle.
For the women out there who are more expressive in their masturbation:
Were you always? When you became that way, did it change sex for you? How?

6 thoughts on “On Female Masturbation, Faking Orgasms, & The Psychology of Sex

  1. eye candy

    I only started getting expressive during masturbation within the last couple of years (Im 27), and only when I learned that being vocal during sex made ME enjoy the sex more. I then took that home and applied it to masturbation. Plus its nice to drown out the sounds of the vibrator if that’s what Im using.

  2. D.P.

    From a man’s perspective–thank you, thank you, thank you! And this isn’t even a thank you in terms of how much of a turn-on loud expressive sex is. It helps your partner figure out what’s going on, how well things are going, what’s working, what’s not, and where both people are in terms of timing, etc. I’ve often made the joke–which to me, and I suspect to many men, is not a joke–that both partners should use little bells during sex to signify “YES!” and “ehhh, not so much.” Your advice here, applied to men and women, eliminates the bell joke/theory.
    Everyone should be damn loud. And expressive. It just makes it better for everyone.
    Simply wonderful advice.

  3. C.J. Strata

    It’s a bit trickier to be vocal when you’re in a relatively small house with three other family members…but then, most things are in that situation. =P

    Oh, also, typing tip for ya: I see you using a lot of double-dashes for interjections. Dunno if you’d be interested in switching it up, but I know it always bugged me that I couldn’t use a single long line instead of two of the short ones. To get an Em Dash—you know, these things—make sure you’re in a text field, hold alt, press 0151 on the number pad, then release alt. Just in case you’re interested. 😉

  4. T.Bean

    I was talking to my husband about orgasms the other day.. I tried explaining to him why I didn’t need to cum every time when we have sex & I came up with the analogy of window shopping. I don’t need to buy something to have a good time.

  5. PT Lover

    Whenever it’s safe to do so, and sometimes even when it’s not, I am quite an expressive masturbator, and no, I was not always that way. I started masturbating young, around age 8, before I had any concept of dirty talk, though I did have vivid fantasies. As I got older, I developed my dirty vocabulary, and at the same time, my queerness and kinks began to express themselves. At age 14, I started having regular phone sex with an internet boyfriend that turned into a long-distance relationship, which enabled me to develop my talents as a moaner and screamer.
    A few years later, I began regular in-person sex life with my then-boyfriend, and little by little started expressing myself in person verbally as well. Steadily I learned to be vocal with what I wanted and how I felt during sex, which turned me on faster and made me cum harder — both quite positive changes to the sex life in general. Eventually, this process opened doors for me both sexually and professionally, as when I entered college and lost my part-time retail job, I became a part-time phone sex operator, able to put my natural vocal tendencies to work for me, though it did hasten the deterioration of relationships with fussy neighbors.
    I really do miss that job.
    .-= PT Lover´s last blog ..(via pornilove) =-.

  6. TC

    I must have some serious problems, by comparison. I went from masturbation every day after school (from age 15 onward), to “okay, having sleeping, let’s whip out the bullet and get it over with.” Foreplay bores me, and I stopped “wasting time” with all the extra stuff during “me time” a few years ago (I’m almost 27 now). My husband puts forth a lot of effort, and I have to commend him for that–but it all just bores me now. I’ve never had feeling vaginally, so it’s clitoral or nothing (and even then it has to be done a very certain way or else it hurts–I hurt myself more times than not). I tried faking it solo a few times, but I can’t fool myself.

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