To Dabble or Not to Dabble

I’m all torn these days. The more I consider relationships, the more I realize I don’t really know what I want, nor what I can handle. I’ve accepted a date for sometime next week with a poly guy. I’m curious as to whether I can process such a relationship.
I’m not concerned about my ability to take more than one lover, if I’m open about it and don’t have to juggle or lie or anything. I can’t do the duplicity thing.
My concern is whether I’m too jealous or possessive, whether my insecurities will get the better of me, whether my competitive nature makes me unlikely to play well with others in the picture. I really don’t know. Am I built for the variety and openness of a poly relationship?
I got told I gotta get off the fence and figure it the fuck out. Hence the date.
I know I don’t have a “regular” relationship in me. I’d love a friends-with-benefits situation, but I know, inside, I’m kinda wanting to taste my way through a few male specimens. I want variety. I want to consume men instead of food. But I don’t want to go sleeping around. I figure 2-3 lovers could be fantastic.
But then can I deal with the flip of men having the same variety on the side?
Well, there’s really only one way to find out.

7 thoughts on “To Dabble or Not to Dabble

  1. Jack

    I go back and forth on all this. Not to generalize, but a lot of the poly people I meet tend to be sort of disconnected. They have sex with lots of people and maybe have a “primary” but their world seems utterly foreign to me. I find when I meet someone I want I want them big time. I am greedy for them. I don’t want to shut part of that down because why both doing things half way. So then you have to think the other way, is my heart big enough to be fascinated by more than one or more than two people.

    All I know is that right now I am seeing two people fairly seriously and fucking a few other people in a less serious way. My dance card is pretty full. I have to see if I can keep it up because feelings rise and fall like tides and you know that around every corner someone is bound to get hurt. There is one person who is sort of consuming me and I can already feel it pushing everyone else out of my attention.

    Still part of me just wants a play thing. Someone who won’t fall for me. Someone who I won’t fall for. A pretty pet I can fool around with. Sadly the people who are eligible for that position tend to be fractured somewhere and not people I am likely to want to play with.

    I’m so hungry lately, ravenous for all sorts of things. People are sending me toys to review and people are asking for stories and it seems like all I think about is sex.

    Oop. I am hijacking your comments. Good luck with your quest. Just remember that boys will be boys.

  2. Scribe Called Steff

    I hate hurting other people. I know I’m starting to exude my better self, and I know I might just get someone a little more attached to me than I want them to be, because I don’t want it “all” right now. And I know I’ll hurt someone. I hate it when that happens.

    I’ve been having dirty thoughts of my own special pet, but like you there’s a limit to the damage I can take in a person, and the more flaws and weaknesses I see, the less I desire them, ‘cos I like strong and full-of-self people.

    So, I think the poly thing in a way is to avoid getting deeply entrenched in one person that I think is more likely to be a resting station than a destination, you know? Because hurting anyone in particular right now would take all the fun out of my pursuits, and has, after a couple of the dates last month.

    But I’m that way too, I want who I want when I want them, and I WANT them.

    The trouble also is though that my libido’s pretty insane when I’m on my game, and I have never had a guy who wanted it as often as I did. They’ve come close, but I’ve had to go easy on them. It sounds like bravado, but it’s not, I’m just that way. (Believe me, I’ve warned ’em, too. Silly skeptics.)

    And I know I’m in that phase. Once this motor gets going, it’s not going to stop for a while. And I suspect I could be pretty destructive in the wrong relationship right now, and destructive isn’t fun.

    Longterm, though, I suspect the “lifestyle” won’t hold much sway for me. I long for the undying passion of all those great literary relationships and stuff. The romantic in me won’t give up on the dream.

    But… to dabble. For a while. Might just hit the spot in more ways than one.

  3. Ursula Brangwen

    Steff, I’ve seen full-functioning adults in some really great relationships with 2 or 3 others at the same time. Poly really works for some people, but I’m one of those who knows it’s not for me. I’ve never even been close to the fence upon which you’re teetering.

    Of course, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t try out a threesome with my husband. She’d just have to get her clothes and be on her way shortly after. Maybe that’s my maturity level and the fact that we’re newlyweds (sorta, we’re nearing 2 years) despite being together for 6 years. The thought of W sharing his emotions and sex with another woman boils my kettle.

    Though I’m monogamous now, I’ve not always been. I dated/slept with a few guys at the same time, but never once did it cross my mind to introduce them and attempt relationships.

    But for someone who’s unmarried, unconnected, and looking, I say why the fuck not try it out? Like you said earlier, if you’re probably going to get hurt in a relationship anyway, then why not give this the good ol’ college try to see if it works out for you. As long as you’re never doing anything uncomfortable, then what’s the harm, right?

  4. a

    i know some people that are living true poly lives/families. i personally wouldn’t go there, as i am quite selfish (an only child), though i definitely plan on bringing in the occasional third when i do get into another committed relationship. i have had more than one partner on the go, and yes, it does work…as long as they understand the rules and are going to keep up with MY libido. ‘cuz i’m in the same boat as you, steff.

    i do know however that there are many difficulties involved in poly families, there is no shortage of hurt feelings. what you very rarely see, though, is a poly family with a woman at the head with a number of “boys”. THAT would suit me just fine πŸ˜‰

  5. Scribe Called Steff

    Ursula– Yeah, I’ve contacted a couple poly guys already and am exchanging emails and have a date lined up in a week and a half.

    What the hell, huh?

    I don’t see it lasting longterm. I was thinking earlier how I understand I cycle through people, I don’t think I have a lifelong relationship in me. Maybe I’m wrong. That’d be cool too.

    But I thought, “You know, I still like the idea of completely absolutely having ALL of a man… even if it’s just for a few months or a few years… than just having some of ’em and sharing over however long ‘poly’ applies.”

    Whatever cynicism I express, whatever ‘marriage isn’t my thing’ sentiments I may have… I’m a knees-quaking, heart-racing fan of epic love affairs.

    Sucker for the old-school, baby. Midnight rendezvous, sneaking in with keys… Yep. Stuff you don’t do as much when you’re not expected and the rules are different.

    ANYHOW. My mind’s wandering. Gosh. Cutting this one short.

    Can’t get those three words outta my head now.

    “Midnight booty call.”


    A– The libido thang is troubling. I’m so sick of men saying they love sex and want it all the time. Most don’t. What they mean is, “I want sex more than my disinterested partner does.”

    ‘Cause they often don’t want it more than an enthusiast does. πŸ™‚

    But, yeah, I’ve seen poly done in very cruel and unkind ways. This whole “But there are rules” mentality that everyone plays nicely is bullshit. Just another pipe dream.

    Which is why, whatever my experience is to be, will come down entirely to who I have the sense to choose to partner me, right? True of any experience in life. Those you experience it with ultimately define your experience. Period.

    So, fingers crossed my judgment holds up for poly guys as it does for the others. πŸ˜›

  6. Anonymous

    steff, i feel like i’m reading my own thoughts…..i’m so glad i found your site.

    to be a “normal” and functional woman with an insanely high sex drive brings up a lot….a lot of ideas and options, but some of them lean towards the unhealthy for me. i am trying so hard to stay in control and yet fully explore the wonderful sexual feelings buzzing in my mind and body. it helps to read about your journey.

    xoxo noelle

  7. Scribe Called Steff

    noelle — it might well be the “stay in control” part that troubles us sometimes.

    i guess “unhealthy” can mean a lot of things, so i’ll stay safe and not speculate, other than to say i hope it all goes in a good direction for ya.

    and thank you. πŸ™‚

Comments are closed.