The Annual Anti-Valentine's Posting: 2009 Edition

Ahh, Valentine’s Day. Sigh. Swoon. Won’t you be mine? Won’t you be my lover?
Let’s back that shit up.
Every year, without fail, I’m forced to write yet another posting saying pretty much all the same things. Like, if you can’t be romantic all year, you don’t deserve a lover. If you can’t remember to live with passion daily, then you’re wasting oxygen.
Sure, you can say, “Yeah, well, Valentine’s Day is good for young couples who are too busy — ”
Too busy? What, for each other? For knocking each other’s socks of with a quaking orgasm or two here and there? Too busy for head? Too busy for a stolen kiss in the corner of the kitchen? Too busy for a random, well-timed grope? Too busy for a lusty note snuck into a work lunch?
Being affectionate and caring isn’t ABOUT time. It’s not ABOUT schedules. It’s about ending the two feet between you on the sofa. It’s about stepping a foot closer to your lover when you’re talking, so you feel their breath on your skin or the buzzing of energy between you. It’s about making eye contact, engaging them as they speak. Touching when it’s unexpected, and lingering there a moment longer than necessary.
Being wanted and reminded you’re noticed by way of small little touches, glances, and the occasional kisses really takes just a few minutes a day. Five minutes daily could change these “dead fish” relationships. Connecting doesn’t really take a lot, it just takes you being present in that moment.
Living LIFE is about being present 365. It’s about finding a reason to enjoy THAT day. It’s not something we remember to do once a year. The same should be true of anything to do with love.
Sex, love, passion, romance… these are BIG things. They’re huge! They transform us as people! Feeling desired and loved and wanted, that’s not some “perk” of a relationship — that IS the relationship. That IS the relationship!
If you’re not having sex, you’re not cuddling, you’re not kissing, you’re not touching… what’s the point? Really? You’re FRIENDS, not lovers. I’m sorry, no, I don’t buy this whole “Well, after a while — ” argument that passion needs to die. I don’t. I won’t!
Some people keep it alive. It takes work. Relationships will NOT retain that snap-crackle-pop of a new love. Instead, they need to be kept alive by trying new things, by being active about it. One needs to remember life with passion and romance and sex requires a little extra thought and action, but the pay-off is enormous.
Look at the President of America! He finds the time for date night and romance. His swagger is that of a man who’s getting some, and Michelle looks pretty damned well-adjusted too. So if they’re getting laid, and they’ve been married 16 years, have two kids, and are kinda busy saving the world… well, what the hell’s the dead-fish-relationship excuse? Pathetic is what it is, probably, if you really think about it.
I can understand depression interfering with sex lives. I know tragedy and injury can derail things. That’s different. I’ve been there. MAN, does it interfere. THAT is different in every single case and can’t be written about in some flippant posting like this.
I’m talking about relationships where there’s just a new normal. Where everything’s an effort, communication doesn’t happen, and sex is never on the landscape. Not having sex but wanting it? Wow, what a crime. That’s active rejection, every single day. And it’s not fair, not to anyone. I do believe marriages can, and should, end for lack of sex. Being made to feel physically undesired on a daily basis is a terrible thing.
We already have to live our lives screwing up courage for daily existence, but to not even find confidence, trust, safety, and desire in our loves? Whew, asking a lot of anyone.
I know money worries are a distraction, but you know what’s also a distraction? A screaming orgasm. Yeah, you heard me. You can’t afford therapy, you can’t pay your bills, you can’t go out for dinner, you can’t even buy a new dress. So forget the clothes, forget the dinner, and get shaggin’. At least the Depression can be good for something. Sex — all you need’s a little lube, a lot of skin, and the time to get gasping. (And if you’re not committed, condoms.)
As for the rest of us, the Unfortunate Single who are Nobody Until Somebody Loves Us, well, we hate Valentine’s Day because, for a little while, no matter how big the fans we are about our lifestyle, we forget.
We’re manipulated into feeling alone. We’re besieged by people kissing, images of The Happy Morning After, and saccharine moments everywhere. It’s like Christmas, but worse, because then you can’t at least say “Well, the holidays are about family and friends, too…” because Valentine’s Day is about nothing else. Sex and commercialism.
Me, I’m still stuck in single, but taking applicants for Friend-With-Benefits. Because I’m honest, I know how much work a relationship is, and I don’t have it in me. I do, however, have raging hormones in me, raging because of two things — I’m getting active again, and Spring’s on the rise.
And those hormones raging are ENOUGH of a problem, thank you. Forcing me to do the whole Valentine’s-Day-Special-Episode-of-Every-Goddamn-Show-I-Watch thing, with the commercials on top, is JUST NOT HELPING. I’m sure I’m not alone.
But for all the no-touchie-touch relationships out there, there’s a reason more break-ups happen at this time of year than any other. Because they’re aware that, if not even Valentine’s Day can get them laid, it might be time to rethink things.
Know what Valentine’s Day really is? A boon for divorce lawyers. They’ll probably wake up on the morning of Monday, the 16th, and giggle with glee like it’s Christmas. “Oh, golly, ma! A new docket full of divorces?! For me?! Oh, YES, you should have!”
I say, boycott the day. Stay home. Have dirty sex. Don’t support it. Don’t buy flowers. Don’t give a gift. Wait a couple weeks. Do something special every day. Take a moment out. Leave love notes.  Steal a kiss. Give several small gifts over several days. Sleep in together, but don’t sleep. Do anything, everything it takes, to make things feel ALIVE again.
Because it’s not about a day on the calendar. It’s about life. It’s about being present and really living it. It’s about realizing that, if you do have someone, it’s a gift, and you’ve got to stop taking it for granted. Use it or lose it, Hallmark be damned.
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9 thoughts on “The Annual Anti-Valentine's Posting: 2009 Edition

  1. Diva

    I’m with you totally on this rant. It also takes two people in a relationship/marriage to keep it going and alive.
    For me at this point in my life I like the Friends-with-Benefits. I don’t need flowers or chocolates on one particular day of the year. (Although I will take chocolate any day of the year) I would much rather have someone I can respect and laugh with that is honest in what we can give each other.
    Thanks for the rant!

  2. Kat

    Its funny but even when I was single, I wasnt down with the whole Singles Awareness Day. To me, that just is a holiday made up by jaded people who cant be strong enough to just treat Vday like any other day. Does one have to feel like, if they arent celebrating Valentines Day, than they are horrible because they are single? Hell no.
    But these people do. They let the holiday get to their insecurity about being single. All other times of the year, they may not feel the void but on Feb. 14th, there it is. Stupid if you ask me. Something cant get to you if you dont let it if you know what I mean.
    I do honestly think that Vday shouldnt be an excuse to show affection to your love. If that is the extent of your relationship, than why are you in it. IF you lack time than dont involve another person just so you can have blips here and there to not be lonely. I too am behind your “friends with benefits” deal. Works and gives you the best of both.

  3. ShredderFeeder

    I absolutly could not have said it better myself. Valentines day is a recipe for failure for most people. Pressure to get the right gift, (or to not get the wrong gift, or to get a gift at all) so much focus on something that should be present every day in your life.
    ShredderFeeder’s last blog post..I outed the tooth-fairy……

  4. emma

    I heartily agree with you, though I’d compare Vday more with New Years than Christmas – there’s always so much expectation and artificial cheer built into the holiday.
    I do also agree with Kat, though, that if you are single (which I am at the moment) you have as much power to be happy being single on Feb 14th as on any other day.
    Too, I harken back to elementary school, when everyone received a “Be My Valentine” just for being in the same classroom. I don’t think Vday is just meant to be celebrated with the person you are (hopefully) shtupping. It can/should be just a designated day to celebrate love,in all its forms – give your mom a call, have tea with some good friends, be kind to a stranger. Like having sex and being treated well by your romantic partner, these little acts of love should occur freely, at all times of the year, but if/when life gets overwhelming, Feb 14th can serve as a little reminder.
    Enjoy your weekend.
    emma’s last blog post..7 Secrets

  5. A Scribe Called Steff Post author

    Diva — Yeah, I’m getting really sick of couples who don’t realize that sex and communication are kind of the same thing, and BOTH are required for success.
    Kat — I disagree, things can get to you even when you don’t want them to. That’s kind of naive. Everyone has reversals. Everyone has moments when their guard falters. And when advertising is fucking bombarding you EVERYWHERE — on buses, in free papers, on the internet, and I even feel like my own motherfucking comments page is on it with the whole “heart” logo in my CommentLuv WordPress widget. I mean, it’s EVERYWHERE right now. It’s not “getting to me” yet, but that’s because I’m a very, very busy person and I don’t have a lot of illusions of what a relationship (even a purely sexual thing) would sap from me.
    But it’s getting close to really irritating me. And I know people who’ve got harder, lonelier, more unlikely-to-find-love lives, and this shit hurts them.
    I agree with the rest of yer comment tho. Ha.
    Kate: 😉
    Shredder: Yes, it’s sad. And a waste of opportunity.
    Emma: Yes, I like the childhood Valentine’s Day concept, but like most childhood things, that falls away from us and it becomes something else. And what it is, I don’t like. (shrug) Sigh.
    But, I do like the idea of using it as a day of general affection. I’ll try to bear that in mind. It’s a more pleasant thought than the alternative (that of being bitchy, which I’d be unlikely to be anyhow, as I’m over Valentine’s day, but still have strong opinions about it). 🙂
    Tart: I hear ya, sister. 🙂

  6. Fat Controller

    Sorry, Steff. I hear where you’re coming from but I have to disagree. Why should sharing closeness and passion in one’s everyday life and going out for an intimate meal in a favourite restaurant on Valentine’s Day be mutually exclusive? Even if we could afford such a special evening every day of the week it would then, by definition, cease to be special. There is a space in every relationship for something a little special every so often and February 14th just happens to be a convenient peg to hang it on.
    And who says that a good night out and dirty sex are mutually exclusive for that matter? It is permitted to have both!
    Fat Controller’s last blog post..H Is For…

  7. Jade

    Found you via Sugasm–what a great essay! I completely agree with you about romance and love and sex and desire needing to be a part of everyday relationship as opposed to something we do because of a made-up holiday. I was married for 15 years and people used to comment about our obvious “affection” for each other, like it was such a surprise when we’d been together 17 years! Hell no–I wouldn’t be IN a relationship that wasn’t still filled with desire, even after 15 years.
    Jade’s last blog post..Industrial Fuck

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