Tag Archives: e-dating

A Rant, Because I'm Bitter

I decided to take a swing through Craig’s List personals for the hell of it, though I don’t really want a relationship, maybe just a nice friend with benefits more than anything at this point. No time for head games or confusion, no heart available for breaking. You know how it is.
And what do I see? “If you’re a your-pic-gets-mine, go away — I hate shallow people.”
Put a cork in it, whiney.
Jesus Christ. “Shallow.” SHALLOW? Fuck that. Anyone who thinks physicality and the need of pictures is shallow is someone who’s just five minutes away from the playground, all right? What are you, some little kid who’s tired of being picked last for soccer or something?
Me, I’m not looking for the next Johnny Depp or Tom Cruise. Not in a long shot. I don’t want some muscle-bound adonis able to leap fenceposts in a single move, nor do I want chiselled features and a rock-hard ab. What I do want is someone with that little je-ne-sais-quoi appeal that maybe only exists for my benefit. Maybe no one else in the world finds ’em sexy, but if I do, that’s enough for me.
Me, I gotta have eyes I can fall into and lips that make me wanna kiss ’em. I gotta have a face I can stare at and talk to for hours. Without those, what’s the point?
It ain’t shallow to acknowledge that there is, to an extent, an importance when it comes to physical features. I’d be a hypocrite if I said I don’t expect him to need to find me attractive, and I’d be a fool if I thought all men would indeed find me attractive. More than half probably wouldn’t. I’m overweight, gots ze cushion for the pushin’, subscribe to the bonus-lover plan, have tits that could be larger, a gap between my teeth, and a crooked eyebrow. Me, I think it works in its own kooky way. The guys who like me, they like me. Then I have the personality and the sexual vivaciousness, and it all combines rather decently.
But it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. I’m not going to get all broken-hearted ‘cos a guy doesn’t find me to his liking. Odds are pretty good that’s a mutual finding. It ain’t shallow.
It’s chemistry.
Grow the fuck up and get your idealism out of your ass, is what I have to say, all right? Silly kids, brain cells aren’t optional. Opt in or get out. Simple.
Now, because I do not have a friend with benefits to take my frustrations out on, I’m going to straddle a bike seat and give it a good, hard riding instead. I feel some punk music comin’ on.

The Brave New Single World

I got out tonight, off my single ass, and met some new people.
The trouble with this city is just how entrenched everyone is and how hard it can be to meet new people.
I joined a social organization a year and a half or so ago, when my self-esteem was only beginning to be picked up off the floor, and tonight I finally made it out to my first event.
Meetup is a place where you can go and find “meet-up” groups that do things you like. Kayaking? Sure! Hiking? Sure! Photography? Sure! D&D? Sure! Dining? Sure! They’re all there. And unlike joining a group where you do varied events all the time, you can go to as few or as many different Meetup groups that you can find to appeal to your sensibilities. (The only fees tend to be a $1 – 2 drop-in fee, since the groups cost money to run each month. Pay and be quiet.)
(The organization is worldwide. Check the website out. More than 2.5 million international members, and more than 14,000 groups.)
The folks there tonight were all in their 30s and 40s, and were all smart, good conversationalists, funny, friendly, and so forth. It wasn’t just one of those things where you know the underlying thought is “who’s coming home with me tonight?” It’s genuinely about just meeting people.
But, hey, betcha some sex happens. I ain’t no bookie, but I know a thing or three ’bout odds, baby.
Naturally, I somehow managed to mention I wrote this smutty blog, so maybe they’ll say hi or something in the comments. (Hi!)
The point being: If you’re stuck in single, annoyed at your now-married friends, tired of seeing the latest “adowable!” stream of drool pouring down their kids’ faces, wishing your college friends had managed to evolve by now, or anything like that, then this is an awesome way to meet new people.
When you sign up, sign up for the email as well, so that you get the weekly digest that lists all the events happening that week. That way, you don’t just get notices about the Meetup group you joined, but about everything happening in your city, and on what days. That’s how I saw the listing for Clerks II when I shoulda been working and not checking email, and decided to get off my apathetic ass and head to the flick. (C II rocked, by the way. I’ll be writing about the pussy troll sometime. Laughed my ass off. Great fun.)
I’m not a joiner. I don’t wanna join a fucking team or take an art class or do some pottery, because it’s redundant. Same shit every time. I like variety. This way I have it.
Anyhow, some people have asked in the past how you meet new folks and how do you Be a Good Single Person. Well, not by hanging out in bars, not by sitting on your ass at home, but by doing something that allows you to engage with others in a safe environment, and this is that.
I would actually DISSUADE you from just joining a class or something. Couple reasons: One, you don’t liek the people, you’re fucked. No variety, same thing every week, no change in people, and it probably costs a lot more. This is an endless array of meets that occur on a plethora of topics, with a wide variety of people. Can’t beat it.
Check it. You might like it. I did.

For the e-Dating Types: Six Tips

Note from Steff in 2010: It’s almost five years later, and every one of these still holds true. Please, for the love of God, people: Think about the kind of person you’ll attract through your profile, then plan accordingly. Here’s a few things not to do.

  • Look, everyone on the e-dating systems is taking a chance by putting their faces/profiles out there. Stop being a bonehead and saying, “I can’t believe I’m doing this…” or “I don’t have a lot of faith in this…” If not, then don’t!
  • We all find it a little weird, all right? In a perfect world, we’d walk into a bookstore, grin at a cutey, and have a date in five. Instead, we’re coming home after work, having a drink, and logging onto a dating service. Right. Yeah, that’s a little odd. Stop mentioning it. It’s kind of like going to a dinner party where the food’s shit: Everyone knows it, but you just nod and smile anyways.
  • If you’re a guy or gal looking for a class act to hook up with, it’s probably not the brightest idea to get a photo where you’re holding a beer bottle. Let’s think about it, all right?
  • Please, for the love of god, don’t make your profile read “If you want to know, ask.” The whole point of e-dating is the not-having-to-ask thing. Haven’t you noticed? But if you insist on staying single, have at ‘er.
  • Yes, yes, yes, we can see you’re a romantic because your profile photo is a sunset, but really, can we get a little skin? Come on.
  • And to the men out there, putting in your profile that she must be a little domesticated and know how to cook is so not gonna get you action. I just saw a guy’s profile where he demanded exactly that. And know what? He used that filthy word, too… “Laundry.”

It’s incredible the amount of oblivious folks out in the world. Sure keeps it entertaining for the rest of us, though, doesn’t it?

A bedtime story

Oh, I love irony.
Tonight, I had this date lined up with this guy, who I was totally apprehensive about. He was one of these guys who grills you about everything, questions everything, and was pretty antagonistic. I thought, “Oh, maybe it’ll mellow when I meet him.”
First, he bails on me. So, against my better judgment, this morning, I agreed to meet him tonight, instead. He’s chatting with me on the cellphone as he’s driving out this evening (almost two hours late, might I add, a real piece of work, but apparently “things come up.” Right). I figured, “What the fuck. I’ll meet him, get it out of the system, and then I will absolutely know there was nothing to regret.”
He says, “All right, I’ll be there in 10 minutes.” About 45 minutes pass by, and I figure “He’s blown me off.” I was absolutely fine about it, though, because I knew precisely why, and honestly, I was thrilled he saved me the hassle.
Why? He was essentially trying to weasle a commitment from me that I’d fuck him after beers, without even having met before. In my crazy world, fucking’s precluded by a little thing called chemistry, so no, I didn’t commit. And I guess it’s why he bailed. Fucking twit.
Why? Because I got laid tonight anyhow. Yeah. That’s right. Not like it’s hard to do anyways, I mean, seriously. This guy’s my kinda man, though — funny, smart, positive, kind, and passionate, and not a prick at all. Much to be pleased about.
I had been meaning to meet him — he’s yet another e-dating guy I had on the list of “guys to talk to” — and I finally saw him online and thought I’d say hi. I told him I’d been stood up, was all dressed up, and had no place to go. He said, “Hey, wanna do something, then?” I told him he had time to come to his senses, but he came to me instead. And then we both came.
Know that thing called chemistry? In fucking spades.
I suspect Dickhead’s already got me blocked on MSN or something, but New Dude and I were laughing in bed that we should send him a thank-you card for bailing on me since I wouldn’t commit to putting out…
Since I put out for the dude who deserved it. Yeah, we got more plans for next weekend.
Hopefully Dickhead, and he knows who he is, will read this. He has the link to the site. That apprehension, Dick? It’s because you struck me as being a prick. I had concerns. Clearly, I was right. I’d rather fuck a nice guy who can be a bad boy (and this guy’s got body art — yummy) than a guy who starts off as a prick.
Thanks for getting me all dolled up, and giving me no place to go. Gave me an excuse to do something completely different. And someone completely different from you.
Enjoy your palm, buddy. And that thing called karma.
Lord knows I just enjoyed mine.

Stupid is as stupid does

I’m doing the online dating thing. Let me say ONE THING: Your opening line is EVERYTHING, boys.
So, the guy who just opened with: “May I have your panties?” Uh… Where to even begin on the lameness scale for that one?
Remember, “block this person” is the most valuable tool you have when doing the online thing.
Block, block, block. Fucking twit.


So, Dear Readers, I’d like to ask you to stay tuned. Starting next week, I’ll have more time on my hands and a more diligent writing schedule, and I have a few ambitious ideas to tackle. Hopefully this place’ll be hopping again. In the meantime, I’d like to leave you with this lovely image.
Why this image? Because I’ve been pursuing the online thing more of late, and my GOD am I getting frustrated.
Okay, here’s a mini-rant.
Men are willing to go off to war. They’re willing to scale mountains. They’re willing to do all manner of stupid, life-endangering things, like running with bulls, but god-fucking-forbid they have the balls to cancel on a chick or see through some plans. (Obviously, there are awesome men out there who are not these guys… WHERE ARE YOU? Come HITHER. Now.)
As far as I can tell, these guys all want me. They’ve said so in countless ways, but as soon as our plans roll around, the guys are typically forgetful men and they often FORGET the dates. Instead of having the balls to say, “Shit, I forgot,” they pussy up and never contact me again. And the amusing thing? I’m usually pretty cool about that sort of thing. I’m a busy chick, and I like my time alone, so getting a night to myself is often a bonus, not a horrible event.
I’ve always thought I was pretty decent at decoding men, but these days, I’m getting just a little flustered. I tell you, I’m five minutes away from walking into a bar and laying it on a guy. Trust me, I could easily walk in, and walk out with a dude on my arm — I just hate the got’em-at-the-bar kind of deal.
On the flipside, meeting a nice CHICK someplace seems like a fuck of a lot LESS (ed. note: seems I forgot the most important word in this sentence earlier… AHEM.) hassle. I tell you, I’m so close to being driven to dyke by the dicks. So very close.

e-Dating: a Rant

I have recently gotten back into the world of e-dating. This is my third attempt. I’m not a clubber. I’m kind of a shy chick until I have an “in,” and despite getting increasingly flirtatious in real life, it seems that every fucking man I meet is attached, married, or gay. So I’m going where the odds are better.
e-dating began for me in the spring of 2004, and I thought it was a great new tool. No, actually, it’s mostly where you find the tools. Still, there are a few diamonds in the dark, dark mine.
The first date I had was with Paul, who had an inability to relax. Over the course of a 90-minute meal, Paul drank five beers and had the worst body language you could imagine: He sat there with his leg shaking violently under the table for the entire meal.
“It’s just him,” I thought. “Things will improve.”
The next date was with this cute Asian guy, and we decided to go watch a hockey game in a pub and have a couple drinks. Well, the pub I recommended wound up taking some 45 minutes to deliver a plate of nachos to us, and dude literally held me personally responsible and couldn’t shake the annoyance regarding bad service. His mood was the shits, so I naturally let him pay, and I fucked off.
Since then, I’ve probably had about three dozen dates. Maybe three have really went well, but the connection ultimately wasn’t mutual. The rest have flat-out tanked.
I have another one scheduled for Saturday, and I’m really looking forwards to it. Something sounds different about this guy, but I’m having a hard time sending my skepticism away.
Let me say this as plainly as I can: There are a LOT of losers out there. I’m pretty sure that’s not exclusive to the men’s side of this deal. From what I’ve heard, there are a lot of pathetic women in the picture, too.
Where did common sense go? Does anyone have a brain anymore? Is etiquette really as elusive as it seems to be? Does anyone understand how to attract the opposite sex in print? And finally, can people please learn to fucking spell and punctuate their dating profiles?
I had tried the “dating” and “relationships” sections on Lavalife, one of the prime dating systems in cyberland, and finally decided to say “fuck that,” and have moved on to the very pointed “intimates” section.
Intimates is where folks go when sex is an important factor in relationships. If you’re into “alternative” lifestyles, it’s also a great place to find those interested in the same things.
That said, there’s some scary shit out there, and I’ve slowly learned how to tell the freaks from the pack. Sadly, the freaks dominate the pack.
When I first posted my profile in the “intimates” section, I had more than a hundred local men respond in the first two days. Why? Well, for starters, I know how to write something sexy. I was honest and blunt. I said I was overweight, though I’d lost quite a bit of what I’d used to weigh already, but I was very, very confident in my abilities.
I touched on my interests, explained things I thought were romantic, and alluded to the music and movies I enjoy, plus the other activities I liked. Most specifically, though, I said what qualities I wanted in a man, and what I didn’t want.
To this day, I’m continually baffled by the stupidity of other people’s profiles, and their approaches towards the dating field.
A few cases in point:
“Peachmuncher” said, “I love to munch peaches.” Let me clue you guys in. Sure, there are men who don’t like oral. (I have yet to encounter one in my sex life, though.) But the fact is, the majority of men seem to love giving oral. You think it’s a selling point? No, it’s a cliche. Have some creativity and use anything else for a line than that. For god’s sake, have some DEPTH. Oral ain’t going to last all night, every night, and you better be bringing something else to the arena.
The Illiterate. I cannot tell you how many men seem to hit on me who have none of the qualities I list as being ones I’m seeking in my profile. Read the fucking profile. Consider it a checklist. If you don’t meet the criteria, then move the hell on. When I say “No older men” and I’m 31, if you’re more than 40, move the hell on. This goes for the morons who are my FATHER’S age and hitting on me — in their 50s and beyond.
One brainiac retorted to my “Not interested in older men” response to his advances with “But a hard cock is ageless.” I simply responded, “Yeah, with a little fucking blue pill, right?” and then I blocked him.
If she’s not interested in age (or vice versa) then take your reality check and walk, bub.
The Stupid. The line of the night of late was a guy who didn’t even say hello, just messaged me with “I’m looking to get fucked tonight.” His name was “22inches14internal”. I lost all my tact and responded with, “you’re a piece of WORK, pal. One word for ya: Hoover.”
Which brings us to names. Choosing really stupid names like “HungLikeHorsie” and “SheCumsFirst” and “Thick1forU” are probably not going to net you any significant catches. But if skanky hoes do it for ya, then have at it.
The Sad and Disenchanted. Sure, some people might be interested in distance, but when someone says “Not interested in distance” and that they like “to have sex often,” the odds are pretty good that your being located more than 50 miles away is going to take you out of the running, let alone the twits who are 2400 miles away yet still think they have a chance.
The Grammatically Challenged. When a chick says she’s intelligent, and you claim you’re looking for a “smart, sexy” woman, but you fail to use any grammar or spelling or punctuation in your ad or in your communications with her, then you’ve got to expect little or no response from the calibre of chick (or guy) you’re seeking.
After all, how hard is it to understand that the profile you put in the e-dating world is your handshake, your business card, your first impression? It is. It’s EVERYTHING, people. Spend a little time on it! Write something that evokes you. Then spell-check it. Check the grammar. And when it’s nice and good, then you can post it.
The Non-Photogenic. Taking a photo where you’re in your stained t-shirt with holes in it, sitting in front of your computer with bad hair and a tired expression on your face will do nothing towards getting you laid! Taking a photo of yourself in the mirror where the flash pops and the viewer gets to see nothing of you will also do nothing towards getting you laid. A big panoramic shot of you standing in front of Matterhorn Mountain? Also not gonna do it. You’re talking about a 2” wide or smaller photo on the net, in a panoramic, you’re a flickin’ blip on the screen.
Make it a frickin’ head shot, people, or at the very least, your upper body and head. Is that so hard? Put on a nice shirt. Do your makeup or shave or whatever the hell it is that gets you looking your best, and then take a photo. It doesn’t have to be the level of Vogue’s photography, but you could put some effort into it. You can ad an awesome full-body shot in your additional photos.
If you’re in an intimates section like I am, use your brains. A photo of JUST you cock or tits or ass is not going to do the trick. Having a nice cock is easy enough, and so too is having the face of a horse. I won’t be choosing my mate because he has a nice rigid cock and nothing else. Think about it. Jesus Christ. You have no idea how often I’ve seen shots of just a guy’s ass.
The Computer-Phobic. You’re using electronic dating for your social life but you get pissed off at having to chat in MSN or something? Get past it! That’s the new culture. Sure, you can talk on the phone, too, but don’t insult someone because they favour MSN or something. I tend to stick to online chatting for a bit so I can gauge intelligence in print.
And finally, a word about etiquette. So far, I’ve experienced a lot of guys who make plans and blow them the fuck off. For every date I make, half are kept. Fortunately, they’re often guys I’m only half-interested in, so it ultimately doesn’t matter. It worked out great the night I accidentally set my hair on fire and smelled like burnt dog, though. Having him blow me off was just perfect that night, especially since admitting that I set my hair on fire would’ve been a major crushing blow to my ego. I guess I need to tell you about that now. Hmm. Later.
But normally, guys seem to think it doesn’t warrant a simple courtesy email or call. “Sorry, I lost my interest. Things have changed. Can’t make it.”
It’s respect, people, and EVERYONE deserves it. The e-dating world is full of enough bullshit, but you deliberately adding to it is completely uncool. You can block the person after you’ve shown them basic respect, if you don’t want to deal with their bullshit after the fact. But at least give them that much.
Now, the pluses of e-dating? For a chick like me, I really get to test the waters intellectually. The funny thing has been that most guys say they’re looking for a smart chick. I’m a disarming chick — I’m funny, I’m easy-going, but when I turn on the smarts, you best look out.
So the fine print tends to have been thus far, “As long as she’s not smarter than me.”
E-dating has allowed me to cut through that crap and establish my intellect. I scare off more men than I attract, and that’s just fine with me. I’ve had a couple decent dates, and they’ve been fun.
Unfortunately, most haven’t been. One guy was guilty of false advertising when he stuck a sock down his pants to make himself seem larger, and when we finally got to fooling around, his cock was miniscule. My hand was wider than his “hard” cock was long.
Why the games? The chick’s gonna find out, guys. Ditto for girls with padded bras. What in the HELL are you thinking? Be yourself. Someone’s gonna dig it. There are “teeny queens” out there, and guys who don’t like big boobs. Putting on an act is just moronic.
Fact is, most of dating is rife with failure. Most dates turn out ludicrous. Most marriages fail, for God’s sake.
But the fun is in the hunt. Get over the bad happenings and move the hell on, but don’t add to the negativity by being a cunt in the hunt. Have a little decency.
POST-SCRIPT: A commenter is freaking out about their first upcoming e-date. I say go! Do it! E-dating’s great positive is that it’s like a conveyor belt of dating. Everyone knows it’s supposed to be a short hookup. Meet for coffee and a walk. If they blow, so do you — right on outta there. 🙂 I won’t stop e-dating, I just won’t hesitate to tell a guy to take a hike, either.