Bondage for Beginners: Part Two, Basic Guidelines

(I forgot to include the link to part one, which is here.)

Bondage can become part of your life for a lot of reasons. Sometimes, it’s a way for folks to deal with the anxiety of their lives; symbolically giving control to another, or taking control. Sometimes, it’s for less honourable reasons. Sometimes, it’s just another fun game to play.

Whatever the reasons, however pure or otherwise, trust – having it, taking it, sharing it, abusing it – is the core experience of bondage. I touched on this last time ‘round. Have the right intentions, and this can be an incredible relationship-building experience.

In my fun little world of bondage, the tease is never separated from satisfaction. For me, tying a lover up is not only my opportunity to tease and taunt him, but also a chance to take him to orgasm as slowly and deliberately as I’m able, and make no mistake about it, an orgasm will be had.

As much as we’d like to think we’re all grown-up and it’s easy to give and take orgasms, the reality is, most of us are a little too conscious about whether or not we’re getting not only our partners but ourselves a ticket to the promised land. We overthink it, and we often overplay it.

During bondage my style, it’s a little more honest and straightforward: You will come if it’s the last thing I do – that is my job, my mission, for the next hour or more, my raison d’etre.

This is one of those instances where people want me to lay out step-by-step instructions, but that’s taking it too far. Bondage is about you being creative, using your lover’s body as a canvas or even as a test subject. “I wonder what happens if I drag an ice cube up the inside of his leg.” If you can think it, try it, and see what happens. Any time it doesn’t work, just go back to something you know you will. It’s not the end of the world. Try, try again.

So let me, instead, give you a few guidelines, not rules, all right?

  • I know there’s a contingent who finds the hows and whys of fancy knot-tying really erotic, but there are those of us who just can’t give a shit, too. I’m no sailor. I can’t do a grapevine knot or anything like that. I can tie my shoes, though, so bind a lover I can do. I make up for it in details.
  • Music can be an added bonus, or a negative, depending on your POV. If the submissive’s lying there all bound and blindfolded, sound is one of their major clues as to what’s going on. I have hardwood floor in my bedroom and it creaks and groans. I tend to put some music on to cover the sound a little, so he’s not as aware of what the next move is.
  • Lighting doesn’t really matter, if they can’t see, but the question is, how are you feeling? The sexier you feel, the better you’ll play. If candles make you feel more comfortable, then do that. Whatever makes you feel good, baby.
  • When bringing food into the equation, make sure everything is chopped bite-size. Put ‘em in bowls. Do you need to have all your supplies when you’re starting? Not really, you can leave them bound and wander out to find additional things later, but it might be considered cruel. I prefer to be organized at the start, so he’s not abandoned for more than a moment or two throughout.
  • Misleading them is fun. I’ll drag a finger up his chest, trace it over his lips, and when he thinks he can suck on it, pop a little cherry in his mouth or something else, like a tongue. Play, play, play.
  • If you can, pull your bed out from the wall. I can, and I do. Having 360-degree access means I can do more to him, and that I have more ability to move around.
  • Crawling over them on the bed’s pretty much a suspense killer. What’s the point, then? Get off the bed and walk around. Try to minimize how often you lean onto the bed, because, again, they can feel the weight shifting, thus negating the surprise advantage.
  • When you’re making your way up their body, be it with kisses or with drizzled syrup, going in a straight line doesn’t work as effectively as zig-zagging will. Why not? Because nerves like surprises, and if you’re working in a straight line, the body knows what’s coming next. This is always, always about surprising the senses.
  • Multi-tasking is hot. If you’re standing and you lean down to suck and bite a nipple, then use a hand to tease their inner thigh and the other hand to toy with an ear lobe or something. Remember, they can’t see what’s coming. Every touch, every action, they all get you a new reaction. It can be tricky, when you’re the doer, but as the receiver, it’s just an incredible mix of feelings.
  • Always, always, always mix approaches. Bondage without oral should simply be considered wrong. Bondage with straight-through-to-orgasm oral should also be considered wrong, in my world. I think it should be intermittent, incessant teases. Oral, then kiss and suck and bite all over them, then return again to oral play. Interrupt it with more props and toys. Toy with them manually. Change gears as often as you’re able. When the frustrated groans get louder and more pained, start planning your route to orgasm — by oral? By fucking them? By manual stimulation? Using sex toys? You’re writing the playbook, you decide. If you like, ask what they want. I never bother, though. I’m in control, I’m deciding.
  • Talk to them as you play. Tease them with little suggestive comments, or investigate how they’re enjoying things. Take requests, if you do such things. Most of all, be sure they know you’re having fun. Tell them it’s getting you hot, all this satisfactioning of them. Remember that the only senses they really have fully functioning are hearing, smell, and touch. Now and then you’ll indulge taste, too. Hearing, though, is a great way of keeping them focused on everything. Don’t talk incessantly; shut up and do your job sometimes.
  • Devour your lover. Cover every inch of their body with your hands, mouth, and any other body part you can think of. Every place you touch and claim as yours is one less area they’ll be self-conscious about – and when you’re tied up in bondage, feeling self-conscious isn’t a big stretch. Try to negate it by doting and outwardly desiring them.

This is your chance to really take notice of what your lover does when you touch them in different ways, different places. It’s an opportunity to learn and develop new insight. The question is, will you use it as such? I always do.

I may think of more in regards to bondage, from a beginner’s point of view, but really, it’s not brain surgery. Just try to keep the suspense at a maximum, remember that it’s all about the submissive, and try to take them to the edge as often as you can before you finally give the gift of what’s bound to be a pretty incredible orgasm.

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9 Comments

  1. Vixxxen
    Posted May 15, 2006 at 5:09 pm | Permalink

    Good pointers for first timers, I usually like to do the tying but it is also great to let yourself be tied.

    ~Vix

  2. Haaaaaaa
    Posted May 15, 2006 at 5:58 pm | Permalink

    Awesome post! Thanks. This sounds like something we are definitely going to try both ways. I was thinking that a camping trip would be a great place to try this. Imagine getting tied to a tree instead of a bed, wondering who might happen to see you. Maybe you’ve already tried that.

  3. john
    Posted May 15, 2006 at 7:27 pm | Permalink

    Steff, VERY good! Good God Woman you MUST get this to a small publisher, seriously! Gone are the days when publishers wouldn’t touch such a sensitive subject matter. You really have a way with instructing in an informative,
    honest, yet gentle manner {also with out being too graphic) Seriously Steff, please consider getting these columns to a publisher, because there IS an audience for it, and you might as well be the person to reap the rewards for it. Publshers aren’t timid, believe me, it can’t hurt to try.

  4. scribe called steff
    Posted May 16, 2006 at 11:11 am | Permalink

    Vixxxen — Yep, both ways is good, but one way always gets preferential treatment. I prefer doing the tying, since being teased too long is akin to torture, but what are you gonna do? Heh.

    Haaa — Thanks. No, I’ve never been tied to a tree, and never want to be. I’ve done public sex in many places, many ways, but that holds zero interest to me. It heightens the vulnerability of the one being bound, and I’m just not into the potential humiliation or whatever might result from that. Sex, for me, is about safety and trust, and to have those, you need to have more control over your environment. Being bound against a tree? Has nothing of that.

    John — I want to. I’m working on it. Easier said than done.

  5. Anonymous
    Posted October 9, 2006 at 2:24 am | Permalink

    Your comment above, “Sex, for me, is about safety and trust…” seems to fly in the face of many of the ‘pointers’ you give in Pt 2, imho. For instance, you intimate that it’s perfectly fine to wander about gathering your foodstuffs and whatnot AFTER the sub has been tied. That is NOT a safe bit of advice. Things SHOULD be prepared ahead of time precisely so you do NOT EVER leave the tied party unattended. And to advise beginners to do so is irresponsible, not to mention shows yourself to be less experienced than you let on.

    Bloggers, steff might have an ‘honest, yet gentle manner’, but take all her advice with a grain of salt, and exercise your OWN COMMON SENSE in any case. SHe is correct that the focus is all about the sub, just make sure that you take that statement to heart, and keep ALL your focus on the sub once you’ve rendered them helpless. Avoid disaster by preparing properly, not just for securing them, but for FREEING them quickly, if it should become necessary (another reason to learn a bit more about knots, without going overboard!).

    Also your last statement about being bound against a tree being inherently unsafe? WFT?! Someone certainly could be bound to a tree in the safety and seclusion of their own fenced in backyard, without fear of discovery, and be completely safe, and entirely in control of their environment. If you’re going to provide a column ostensibly offering kink advice to newcomers, you really have to exercise a bit more effort to separate your own prejudices OUT of your responses. YOu wanna be the Dr. Ruth of kink?! Then take on a bit more responsibility and put a bit more effort into providing open-ended, and helpful responses, instead of a personal list of your likes and dislikes.

  6. scribe called steff
    Posted October 9, 2006 at 12:00 pm | Permalink

    I don’t want to be the Dr. Ruth of Kink — if people want to get into the whole BDSM lifestyle, they need to teach themselves. I’m not a kinks person, never really have been, and have described myself as being pretty vanilla. Thanks for some of your pointers, but you’re being a prick in how you’re addressing them. Tone down the attitude and I wouldn’t be so defensive in the face of your tips. Geez. I first wanted to delete it ‘cos you’re such an offensive dick but then I figured that wouldn’t be in keeping with my principles. Lighten up, pal.

    As for abandoning any sub, I’m never more than 15 feet away as I have the world’s smalled apartment — my kitchen’s nearby, and the only reason why I’d do it when they’re restrained is so I have the element of surprise on my side. I would never recommend anyone abandon a bound sub if they weren’t close enough to react. No, I didn’t explain that well. Sometime I’ll edit it and include that.

    Still, you pissed me off in how you’ve handled your criticism. Offend much? Geez.

  7. James
    Posted November 6, 2006 at 8:57 am | Permalink

    Steff,

    Great posts on this topic. I’m curious about a couple of things. As a man, when I’m restrained, I love to be blindfolded and teased — all the mix ‘n’ match, unexpected stuff as you describe. The tactile sensations, the scents, tastes. Nothing like it when my eyes are blindfolded with one of my lover’s silk scarves (especially if it has traces of her scent on it).

    But let’s face it — I’m a man and I love the visual stuff too. A chemise strap slowly sliding down her arm, her nipples hardening as she becomes more aroused, and so on. So for me, part of the mix and match is very definitely part blindfolded, part seeing.

    By the way — your pointer on using a housecoat belt is a good one. I now use the thick towelling belts from my dressing gowns. A couple of turns around the wrist, a nice square knot and a handily-located drawer pull and … ta-da! Comfortable, secure, zero chafing, zero circulation problems.

    I realise that you are a poll of one — but you seem to be very in touch with this stuff. What works for you? Do you like loose, symbolic restraint when you are the tie-ee, or do you like writhing against very snug ties? Do you like being sightless, seeing everything that’s coming, or a mix of the two? What about gagging? I’ve never tried it with a lover — I can’t see how you can actually silence someone without risking suffocation, but the Alex Comfort image of the “bubbles being trapped in the champagne bottle’ intrigues me. Any experience? Any pointers? More on this topic please Steff!

  8. Selena
    Posted December 14, 2006 at 2:33 am | Permalink

    i finially found a stright to the point answers. thanks ^_^ my husband and I are gonna read this together ^_^

  9. Anonymous
    Posted October 12, 2007 at 3:23 pm | Permalink

    Thanks James for your feedback regarding blindfolding. My partner and I are just starting out, and it is good for me to hear a man’s perspective before I try things out on him. I suspect he will be doing most of the tying, but when I am I’d like him to enjoy it as much as he can. Any other pieces of advice?

    Sarah

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