I don’t have much of a garden — three tomato plants and four basils — but I’m deeply attached to the bounty and willing to put in the work.
Basil, well, that’s easy enough. Wait until June, plant, water often, eat often, be happy.
Tomatoes? Good god. Apparently they need pollinators! One thing we apartment-dwellers on the slopes of major cities don’t get enough of is pollinators. Apparently bees think apartments are for the birds. Continue reading
Category Archives: Sex Toys & Aids
Sex-Toy Review: The Stubby G!
Let’s talk sex toys today. Specifically, I’ll be reviewing The Stubby G.
First, I want to explain how a few things work for all y’all, since I know sex-blog readers see these reviews all the time, and, personally, I see that 95% of them are positive, so I could understand how review-readers might skeptically dismiss us one and all as rabid sex-toy fans who love everything that comes our way.
What you need to understand is, there are a couple different ways sex toy companies operate. Some will contact bloggers and go, “Hey, want to review toys?” and when our broke asses reply, “Dude! Yeah! I need me some O’s!” they’ll send us a box of toys, it gets opened, and inside is a bunch of shit they couldn’t sell and now the poor sucker who opened the box is on the hook to review hundreds of dollars of piece-of-shit toys. I threw out the toys One Company To Remain Unnamed sent me a couple years back — they weren’t fit for my body, for reviews, for nothing.
Continue reading
Sex Toy Review: "The Lovely (and lamely-named) Rose"
I’m sorry, but I often really, really hate the name of sex toys. And this is no exception.
From Emma’s Passion Garden comes the Dual Rose aka “The Lovely Rose.” Jesus, people. Fire the marketing department, because this toy deserves so much better. Really.
Nonetheless, when a guy was recently given the choice of what toy to invade my personal space with, this is the toy he thought looked most up to the job. 20 minutes later and we were both in agreement that his choice was a good one, and since the rest of the sexual encounter was a total waste of my time, I was pleased I’d had the foresight to give the bad loverman some tools toward pleasuring me.
The Dual/Lovely Rose is a Rabbit-type vibe that aims to give you a double-dose of the feelin’-goods.
Obviously I have a hard time getting past bad product names or lame packaging, and I felt that the Rose came with both. And that’s why I was so pleasantly surprised that the toy itself is actually quite good. I mean, it succeeds in getting my knees shaking. Continue reading
Vaginas: Uptight, everything's all right? Not so much.
There’s a scene in The Tailor of Panama in which Pierce Brosnan, as Andy Osnard, a British spy reassigned to Panama, is shown his new office for the first time by his hot but too tense new colleague.
He wanders to a safe in the wall above his new desk and starts trying to crack the combination. The woman, unimpressed, mutters that she doesn’t think it’s even locked.
Sure enough, Osnard gets the safe ajar and glances at her as it creaks open, and says with a suggestive leer on his face. “You’re right… it was open. Just tight from lack of use.”
It’s a great line, funny as hell, and probably makes most women want to fuck Pierce Brosnan then and there. Nothing like a dirty cute Brit.
But it’s also a reality. The longer a woman goes without sex, and without ensuring she’s indulging in some kind of penetrative masturbation with vibrators or dildos, the more her vagina will “atrophy” and tighten. Funny, this doesn’t get spoken of much out there, but perhaps it should.
The beauty of a vagina is its elasticity. While it’s an organ, it’s also governed by many critical muscles. If a woman is not exercising it, it will lose some pliability. The longer she goes without the “exercise”, the more atrophying you’ll run into, and the more difficult sex will be when she gets around to it.
That’s not something we hear a lot about. There’s the old saying, “use it or lose it”, and it applies to both men and women when it comes to masturbation. Men need to be ejaculating regularly to maintain prostate health, but women need to be Kegeling and penetrative-masturbating on a relatively regular basis in order to maintain their vaginal functionality and integrity.
I mean, when you stop exercising and working out on a total-body scale and you start sitting on the couch for a few weeks, how long does it take for your toning to vanish? Not very, right? So, when it comes to sex, how long do ya figure you need to go without before you lose crucial toning down there? Why do we justify scheduling in working out for our total-body fitness, yet seldom worry about maintaining fitness of our sexual organs?
When we’re sexually inactive, full-on masturbation by women is more important than ever. If you’re someone like me who’s been in the position of being deprived of libido as a chemical side effect, it’s important to override the lack of interest felt by the body, and do what needs to be done to stay healthy.
The trouble is, most women get off on clitoral stimulation for orgasms, and I suspect I’m not the only one out there who, 85% of the time, thinks a vibrator is too much work when the clit can be massaged for 45 seconds to produce an orgasm that follows quickly. Easy, tidy, effective, no clean-up, and wholly portable. Not to mention that, when only 60% of women masturbate, you can bet that a good chunk of that total feels awkward about inserting anything into themselves.
It’s a real shame that it’s the sex who has more issues with masturbation that is biologically required to perform a more “invasive” and socially chuckled-about procedure in order to maintain the optimum health of their vaginas, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
After all, it seems there’s still a stigma out there about women using vibrators. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — it’s only the documented sluts and feminists we see in the media with vibrators. The good girls just use hands or maybe a massaging showerhead. Or nothing at all. But she sticks a Rabbit vibe inside her? She’s a man-eater.
Granted, the attitudes are changing, but it’s still a different segment of woman who supposedly uses sex toys, and maybe that stereotype is true to an extent, but wouldn’t it be great for both sexes if that stereotype shattered a little? After all, it’s not like vibrators aren’t actually IMPORTANT for women to use.
I’d be curious to see what percentage of women it is that feels uncomfortable about inserting a vibrator inside her as a result of this not-so-subtle stereotyping that exists everywhere in the media.
I doubt such studies are undertaken that often, about how the average woman masturbates versus the more sexually-liberated one. Because, after all, who really cares how women masturbate? Isn’t it the man’s job to get us off?
Hmm. Talk about your stereotypes.
But if you’re one of these liberated men or women and sex toys work for you… then you should use this 10%-off coupon and go buy yourself a treat at Vibe Review. The coupon is good for as many uses as you want, just save this link and buy often between now and the American election in November. By using this link, you’ll give me a commission of your purchases and help me buy some wine or sexy panties or something. I’ll never know WHO bought anything or WHAT they bought, so your privacy is GUARANTEED, but I’ll get a few bucks stuffed in my piggy bank and the warm-fuzzies will rain happily upon me. So, go for it, and save a few bucks while you’re at it. And feed your favourite scribe. đ
And if you’re not liberated, isn’t it time you started to be? C’mon. Invest in yourself.
Sextoy Review! The GIGI "Pleasure Object" by LELO
My good friends at VibeReview sent me some pretty toys earlier this month, and the one I couldn’t wait to get playing with first was this beautiful toy pictured here.
The Gigi Pleasure Object could also have another name: “Your New Best Friend.”
This thing is to sex toys what the iPOD is to music. No, really.
Sure, you could go for the so-called five-speed turn-the-dial vibrators out there, or you could cross the threshold into the 21st century and try a vibrator powered by a microchip, that offers five incredible sensations, and each of those come in five different speeds. Oh, you have no idea.
But that’s only part of what I love, love, love about this toy. So, let’s slow down and break it down for a second: Continue reading
Beginner's Fun with Role Play
In Cronenberg’s A History of Violence, we’re given a great beginner’s demonstration of how to perform low-stress, low-prep role playing games.
In that scene, Viggo Mortensen’s character is seduced by his wife, who says, “We never got to be teenagers together… I’m going to fix that.”
She abandons him in the bedroom for an uncomfortable length of time as she vanishes into the washroom to prepare for her antics. Finally, she emerges in a high school cheerleading costume and stands there in the doorway, toying with her oh-so-short skirt to reveal a pair of girlie white cotton feminine briefs, complete with a little frilly ribbing.
Just standing there, hiking her skirt up enough to show these oh-so-innocent little panties is enough to drop his jaw.
The fact is, role playing may seem stupid and weird, but why should it? As children, we grow up pretending to be other people and we think it’s fun. “You be the patient and I’ll be the doctor. Open up and say, ahhhhhh. And maybe a little oooooh.”
When does the switch get flipped that tells us pretending to be someone else is bad? Why do we feel so silly? What’s so absurd about remembering to play over the age of 18, hmm?
The thing about sex is that it’s supposed to be that one time — that one time — when we let our guard down enough to be utterly vulnerable. We’re there, naked, in every sense. Splayed and ready for enjoyment. And then, we lose a little control. For the good? For the bad? You decide.
Men and women tend to be pretty different in some regards, outside of the obvious, I mean. For instance, the reliability and comfort factor of a relationship tends to be really important to a woman’s sense of security. Men can get a little nervous about that, and they like to have things shaken up sometimes so they don’t begin to feel trapped. Don’t get all silly and think, “Oh, my man doesn’t feel trapped.” What, YOU never feel trapped? Admit it. You KNOW he does. It’s primal. Who we are. Get over it, but bloody well accept it. Everyone knows what feeling trapped is like.
So, it’s simple — you just change things up. Cook a different meal, wear a different perfume. Wear a wig, even, on a playful night in. Or, adopt a costume. (Change the decor of a room to be more masculine and dark for the night. Anything that adds new elements or airs will make the experience richer for the guy. Just cleaning up and tidying it will make a woman happy, sadly.)
And why shouldn’t variety make it richer? Variety is the spice of life.
One of the things I always loved about sex in the car was that it meant never having to have sex in the same place twice. Nothing quite like a game of strip Monopoly come rent time in the back of a hatchback, you know what I’m saying? One time by a river, another on a lonely stretch of rural dirt road, another in the abandoned car lot on a full moon night. It’s almost worth the handle imprint on the ass, the rug burn, and the crick in the back, you know?
There’s a digression for you. (Hi, I’m Steff, and I’ll be your tourguide tonight.)
What I loved about the role play scene in A History of Violence is how incredibly simple it is. It’s realistic. It’s easy to do. It doesn’t take a whole night of arranging and wooing. It’s reasonably spontaneous on one partner’s part, and is almost like a gift. Or, you can plan to play in advance. Set a date on the calendar… “Saturday, July 29th, 6pm: RP Games.”
Role play ain’t just for dungeons nor dragons, you know.
The advantage in booking the night and time in advance, where you explicitly say “This is what we’ll do” is that you get this wonderful goodness that comes in the form of committing to be together in every way… and the anticipation it brings. Guys LOVE to know they’re getting laid at a certain time. Let them look forwards to it with a little idea of what the night is to bring them, and man, you could find yourself with a pretty eager guy. Don’t you agree, boys?
If you’re a newbie to this shit, there’s nothing to be concerned about. You’re playing dress-up and having a cheap evening in, okay? That’s about the size of it. The pay-out is a little no-holds-barred fun that allows you to forget about who you are for a little while and adopt a fantasy life. It’s not stupid or childish, it’s just fun. Let your pride take a walk, and have a little fun, will ya?
If you’re a vixen-wanna-be, then check out the beginning of the movie (15 minutes in, give or take — I haven’t watched it all yet, so I’m not giving a whole-movie review; just scene approval!). Watch the scene where she seduces him, and pick up cues from that. The “Let’s go, Wildcats!” jump was a little much for me — after all, do you really want to risk jumping on your loverman’s mid-section when you’re about to try to get nailed? And another point, if you’ve taken the time to get a costume and have an idea in mind for playtime, take a moment and clean the kid’s toys off the bed! Jesus Christ! Get them out of sight. That happens at the beginning of this scene, when Viggo’s cleaning the toys off his bed, and that’s not really the cool thing to have happen. You’re about to get shagged — who wants to think of their kids? Again, Jesus!
It’s not rocket science, people. It’s fun. It’s carnal, it’s biblical, it’s illegal in some states, but it’s just downright fun. Why, someone oughta charge some admission.
Photo from filemag.com.
Bondage for Beginners: Part Two, Basic Guidelines
(I forgot to include the link to part one, which is here.)
Bondage can become part of your life for a lot of reasons. Sometimes, itâs a way for folks to deal with the anxiety of their lives; symbolically giving control to another, or taking control. Sometimes, itâs for less honourable reasons. Sometimes, itâs just another fun game to play.
Whatever the reasons, however pure or otherwise, trust â having it, taking it, sharing it, abusing it â is the core experience of bondage. I touched on this last time âround. Have the right intentions, and this can be an incredible relationship-building experience.
In my fun little world of bondage, the tease is never separated from satisfaction. For me, tying a lover up is not only my opportunity to tease and taunt him, but also a chance to take him to orgasm as slowly and deliberately as Iâm able, and make no mistake about it, an orgasm will be had.
As much as weâd like to think weâre all grown-up and itâs easy to give and take orgasms, the reality is, most of us are a little too conscious about whether or not weâre getting not only our partners but ourselves a ticket to the promised land. We overthink it, and we often overplay it.
During bondage my style, itâs a little more honest and straightforward: You will come if itâs the last thing I do â that is my job, my mission, for the next hour or more, my raison dâetre.
This is one of those instances where people want me to lay out step-by-step instructions, but thatâs taking it too far. Bondage is about you being creative, using your loverâs body as a canvas or even as a test subject. âI wonder what happens if I drag an ice cube up the inside of his leg.â If you can think it, try it, and see what happens. Any time it doesn’t work, just go back to something you know you will. It’s not the end of the world. Try, try again.
So let me, instead, give you a few guidelines, not rules, all right?
- I know there’s a contingent who finds the hows and whys of fancy knot-tying really erotic, but there are those of us who just can’t give a shit, too. I’m no sailor. I can’t do a grapevine knot or anything like that. I can tie my shoes, though, so bind a lover I can do. I make up for it in details.
- Music can be an added bonus, or a negative, depending on your POV. If the submissiveâs lying there all bound and blindfolded, sound is one of their major clues as to whatâs going on. I have hardwood floor in my bedroom and it creaks and groans. I tend to put some music on to cover the sound a little, so heâs not as aware of what the next move is.
- Lighting doesnât really matter, if they canât see, but the question is, how are you feeling? The sexier you feel, the better youâll play. If candles make you feel more comfortable, then do that. Whatever makes you feel good, baby.
- When bringing food into the equation, make sure everything is chopped bite-size. Put âem in bowls. Do you need to have all your supplies when youâre starting? Not really, you can leave them bound and wander out to find additional things later, but it might be considered cruel. I prefer to be organized at the start, so heâs not abandoned for more than a moment or two throughout.
- Misleading them is fun. I’ll drag a finger up his chest, trace it over his lips, and when he thinks he can suck on it, pop a little cherry in his mouth or something else, like a tongue. Play, play, play.
- If you can, pull your bed out from the wall. I can, and I do. Having 360-degree access means I can do more to him, and that I have more ability to move around.
- Crawling over them on the bedâs pretty much a suspense killer. Whatâs the point, then? Get off the bed and walk around. Try to minimize how often you lean onto the bed, because, again, they can feel the weight shifting, thus negating the surprise advantage.
- When youâre making your way up their body, be it with kisses or with drizzled syrup, going in a straight line doesnât work as effectively as zig-zagging will. Why not? Because nerves like surprises, and if youâre working in a straight line, the body knows whatâs coming next. This is always, always about surprising the senses.
- Multi-tasking is hot. If youâre standing and you lean down to suck and bite a nipple, then use a hand to tease their inner thigh and the other hand to toy with an ear lobe or something. Remember, they canât see whatâs coming. Every touch, every action, they all get you a new reaction. It can be tricky, when you’re the doer, but as the receiver, it’s just an incredible mix of feelings.
- Always, always, always mix approaches. Bondage without oral should simply be considered wrong. Bondage with straight-through-to-orgasm oral should also be considered wrong, in my world. I think it should be intermittent, incessant teases. Oral, then kiss and suck and bite all over them, then return again to oral play. Interrupt it with more props and toys. Toy with them manually. Change gears as often as youâre able. When the frustrated groans get louder and more pained, start planning your route to orgasm — by oral? By fucking them? By manual stimulation? Using sex toys? You’re writing the playbook, you decide. If you like, ask what they want. I never bother, though. I’m in control, I’m deciding.
- Talk to them as you play. Tease them with little suggestive comments, or investigate how theyâre enjoying things. Take requests, if you do such things. Most of all, be sure they know youâre having fun. Tell them itâs getting you hot, all this satisfactioning of them. Remember that the only senses they really have fully functioning are hearing, smell, and touch. Now and then youâll indulge taste, too. Hearing, though, is a great way of keeping them focused on everything. Donât talk incessantly; shut up and do your job sometimes.
- Devour your lover. Cover every inch of their body with your hands, mouth, and any other body part you can think of. Every place you touch and claim as yours is one less area theyâll be self-conscious about â and when youâre tied up in bondage, feeling self-conscious isnât a big stretch. Try to negate it by doting and outwardly desiring them.
This is your chance to really take notice of what your lover does when you touch them in different ways, different places. Itâs an opportunity to learn and develop new insight. The question is, will you use it as such? I always do.
I may think of more in regards to bondage, from a beginnerâs point of view, but really, itâs not brain surgery. Just try to keep the suspense at a maximum, remember that itâs all about the submissive, and try to take them to the edge as often as you can before you finally give the gift of whatâs bound to be a pretty incredible orgasm.
Bondage for Beginners, Part One: What You Need
Iâve said it before and Iâll say it again, bondage is something everyone should experience.
Too often, things like bondage or use of sex toys or whatever are all obscured by a perception that theyâre made for people who REALLY are into sex as a lifestyle. Not so.
But even if it were so, whatâs so bad about enjoying sex as a larger part of your existence? Is it really so bad? Thereâs no admission cost, you donât have to find parking, you donât need to plan ahead. Sex as entertainment isnât the worst fucking thing you could be doing with your time, now, is it? Beats the shit out of watching another Will & Grace rerun.
People get bored with sex. âThe Missionary? Again?â With good reason. Sex can get repetitive if itâs the same position, same approach, every time. You wouldnât eat a hamburger every day, now, would you? (Unless youâre that boring fuck in the States whoâs eaten 20,000+ Big Macs. Jesus Christ â donât get me started. But lemme know when he finally visits an oncologist.)
And this is why there are sex toys. This is why people try bondage, or public sex, or whatever. Now, you donât have to get all gussied up like the Gimp in Pulp Fiction in order to enjoy bondage. So, what do you need? Well, letâs start first with what you DONâT need.
- You donât need to own a copy of The Ashley Book of Knots.
- You donât need to be nurturing a passion for the Japanese art of Shibari.
- You donât need to own a closet full of leather or gear.
- You donât need to have any special equipment at all.
- You donât need to own rope.
No rope? Gasp! Really?! Why, yes, Virginia, there is bondage without proper rope. How about neckties? Scarves? Nylons? Even that belt from your housecoat will do. It needs to be able to tie in a standard knot. Thatâs all you need.
So, hereâs the shortlist of your requirements.
- You need something that can restrain your lover.
- You need creativity.
- You need trust.
- You need inventiveness.
- You need a sense of adventure.
- You need to want to enjoy yourself.
And five out of six things on that list ainât gonna be bought at Paulâs House of Porn, all right?
Hereâs the deal. Bondage is about trusting your partner enough to let them tie you up and do what they like to you, or vice versa. Itâs imperative you talk about what isnât going to happen. Donât like pain? Agree to not go there. Itâs pretty simple. You can get all fancy and lifestyle-ish and pick a âstopâ word (a word that, whenever you use it during anything experimental in sex, signals thatâs going too far, and stopping has to happen) but I find the premise pretty silly for anything less than full-on BDSM experimentation involving serious pain.
Me, Iâm crazy, I favour the word âstop.â I mean, fuck, like itâs that complicated? âHello, stop that, please.â When your lover says to stop, I donât care what youâre doing, STOP, whether itâs in standard sex, or when your loverâs slung from the roof in stirrups. The more often you stop what they donât like, whenever they ask you to, the more theyâll trust you in the future. Makes sense, huh?
Not respecting your partnerâs boundaries in bondage means youâre breaking the number one rule. The belief in bondage/BDSM is that the person whoâs all tied up is the one with all the power. Why? Because if they say stop, you absolutely must. According to anyone whoâs played in the lifestyle, ignoring the submissiveâs wishes is grounds for an ass-kicking.
Now, if youâre all gung-ho to tie someone up, but donât want to be tied up yourself, I donât think you deserve to do the tying, and I donât care about this âBut Iâm a top!â bullshit. It is an act of trust. If you expect your lover to trust you, but you wonât trust them, then you might as well get a hammer, âcos thatâs the first nail in your relationshipâs coffin.
When it comes to bondage, I prefer doing the tying up, but Iâd never deny my lover the experience of returning the favour, because thatâs what good relationships involve.
Once youâve had the talk and youâve decided whoâs being tied up first, itâs time to play. Personally, I prefer making an agreement to explore bondage in advance, because I think you need to be organized beforehand. There are, indeed, things you need in order to play with bondage Steffâs way.
My shopping list tends to include:
- Chocolate syrup
- Caramel syrup
- Strawberries
- Nectarines
- Kiwis
- Mangos
- Papayas
- Apples
- Massage oil
- Lube
And whatever else gets you through the night, baby. No, youâre not making a fruit salad. Youâre bringing food into the equation because a) theyâre at your mercy and b) if youâre doing it right, theyâll be blindfolded for a while. The fruit is practical and sensual at the same time. When the bondage play begins, and theyâre blindfolded, feeding them a mystery fruit will have to force them to turn their senses on. Itâs a pleasure trigger. Theyâll need to figure out what theyâre eating, thus making them sensually more alert for when you begin playing. Iâll talk more about the food in the next posting.
First off, letâs talk setting. Do you have a headboard you can bind your lover to? No? Then visit your local hardware store. Get standard-issue drawer pulls and screw them in strategic locations. You could even put them on the side of the bed and the bottom, if you want a variety of positions in the night. This scenario runs you about $10 to do four mounts, depending on the price youâre paying for the drawer pulls. Itâs practical, cheap, and you can move them around if youâve chosen bad spots. These pulls pictured here are exactly the ones I’ve used on my bed. Two for $3, and they have plenty of room for getting rope underneath, and allow for a little wiggle room for my submissive (aka Guy). The alternative is bondage bedwear, but itâs such a hassle and itâs expensive. If youâre settling in for a long night of play, it could be useful, but it also might intimidate the shit out of the submissive.
Ah, youâre not ready yet, grasshopper. Now you need toys. If you want to shell out the big bucks on sex toys when you donât already have them, feel free, but your house is filled with a million things that can trigger some really, really happy feelings in your lover.
Get creative. Go rummaging through your drawers. Make a stop in the kitchen. Find things you know will offer a variety of interesting sensations. Whether youâre lightly dragging the tines of a fresh-from-the-freezer ice-cold fork up in the inside of a loverâs leg, or teasing their privates with the bristles of a silicone pastry brush, youâll be guaranteed some shivers.
Let me revisit the silicone pastry brush. Run, do not walk, to your local kitchen supply aisle and buy yourself an extra silicon pastry brush for the bedroom. Fuck feathers â the pastry brush is one of the most erotic feelings Iâve found. I sent shivers up my guy with it the other week. Trust me. Go get one, kids.
Buy a curtain tassel at the fabric store and tease your way around their body. Even a piece of paper being dragged up a naked body is amazing. Ice cubes rock, so make them in advance. Even one of those skin-scrubbing gloves for the shower can be pretty wild. Itâs coarse, so itâs a change of pace from the soft and smooth things. Sandpaper. Anything works, provided you begin with light pressure and see what the reaction is.
If you donât trust your ability to judge how something might feel, then do your rummaging half-naked and any time you find something that piques your curiosity, then simply close your eyes and try it on your inner thigh. If it works, great. If not, put it back.
If you plan on getting really sloppy with the syrup, and expect to have to clean your lover up a bit over course of time, you can grab a slow cooker or a rice cooker with a “keep warm” mode on it, put some water and some wash clothes in it, and keep it bedside for a clean, warm cloth to wipe them up with. Or you can save the filth and shower together later. Whatever, but there are options.
Lastly, what you need is a carrying tray. It does no good to have a lover about to be blindfolded if they can see what youâre going to use on them. They should be bound and blindfolded before you gather all your goods to bring bedside.
And thatâs where weâll stop for today. By the weekend I hope to post on how the actual act of bondage itself should unfold in its most basic terms, but you clearly have a couple ideas, Iâm sure, of where this is headed. Any questions so far? Any tips on household products that have brought you bondage glee in the past?
Want more? Huh? Do ya, punk? Part two is here.
White sheets? Why, for god's sake?
Now, admit it, this picture’s hot. I don’t care who ya are, boy or girl, this is hot. If the sheets were any other colour, would it be as hot?
Probably not. If you take a look around, almost every gorgeous erotic shot you see featuring sheets, they’re white. There’s something about white sheets — simplicity, purity, crispness. I don’t know what it is, exactly, but there’s something evocative about white sheets. We all identify with them.
Practical? Not so much. Sex is messy. It’s really, really messy. Good sex is messier. Great sex is downright sloppy. There’s that sweat, the juices. Sometimes women bleed. Sometimes you want a little taste of the good life while you’re tasting your partner, and chocolate sauce enters the picture. Hence why I like to own dark sheets. Dramatic, sexy, romantic in candlelight, and practical. I’m a pragmatic romantic — a fine combination.
You may or may not know this about me, but I drink the Oprah Kool-aid. I can’t help it. I never watch the celebrity shows or the “hear this tragic tale” type shows, but I love anything she does on sex, politics, or human rights. One time I was watching one of the fluff shows, and she got to talking about jersey knit t-shirt sheets. I remembered how comfortable she said they were, and broke off my ass, I wasn’t going to justify $50 or more for sheets when food and rent and other things came first.
Then came the near-demise of my fucking awesome burgundy flannel sheets. Oh, flannel, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways! Your warmth comforts me on cold, cold nights. In the face of the world’s harshness, your soft and luxurious feel takes my edge away. Flannel, I could never leave you.
But you’ve quit me, you motherfucker. Yep. The flannel sheets have begun to wear dangerously thin. I suspect I have one, maybe two more washes before they get butchered for housework duty. I will probably weep when that day comes. I know, it’s weird, I’m attached to sheets. But they’re flannel, dammit, and they’re the colour of red, red, wine!
So, I decided I would listen to Oprah. T-shirt sheets. Sure! I bought the cheapest variety I could find, since I decided that cracking open the piggy bank for new sheets was now a wise choice, with Regular Sex now becoming a promising feature in my life. Almost the entire stock was gone. They had two colours left: pale butter yellow, and pale sky blue.
That was a problem. I like dark sheets, for starters, and I’m into aesthetics. My bedroom’s got a chocolate-coloured wall, with the remainder being desert-sand colour, lots of wood, and some Indian batik fabrics. Blue’s not gonna cut it. The butter yellow sort of worked, I thought, so I picked them up.
And they did work, blending in decently in my surroundings. Up there with the flannel? No, not so much, but they’ll be more summer appropriate. September, I’m buying chocolate-brown flannel sheets.
Yep, as practical a colour as sheets can be.
See, I just put my clean sheets on the bed. Well, clean, in theory, except for the recent addition of stains. Less than a month old, the sheets are now stained. What can I say? We broke out the chocolate sauce. Well, I say “we”, but I really mean “me.” I had him tied up and blindfolded. He looked so yummy that I thought I’d have my version of icing on what was already a nice cake I could really sink my teeth into. I dribbled the sauce from his testicles to his tongue, and navigated my way north. Sadly, smudges made their way to the sheets.
My sheets, it would seem, have been sullied by the dirty s-e-x.
You know, I’m not much of a literalist, not really, but it’s not like I break out the mud and filth in order to have the “dirty” s-e-x. I just like to think how unclean the nuns from my old Catholic school would think me to be if they knew all the things I enjoy doing, that’s all. Hygeine’s important, kids. Wash your hands and pee-pees, okay?
Ah, sullied. Sad. Sullied, just like their owner. Sigh. Fortunately, it was good fun. Oh, hey, there you go. It’s the souvenir of good sex. “Why, I remember that fine chocolate smudge right there, oh, and the caramel blob over there. That was right before I gave you some head and a handjob. Oh, the good old days. Shall we relive them? I’ll get the rope.”
Which reminds me: I owe you a piece on bondage. Okay, tomorrow, then. I promise. No, really, I do.
PS: Yes, I know they’ve invented a chemical called “bleach.” I realize I could buy white sheets and bleach my filth out so I can pretend I’m a clean, upstanding citizen, but a) I’m a disaster with bleach and finally just got tired of all the bleach stains finding their way onto coloured clothing of mine, and b) I wouldn’t have gotten to write this, which I found quite fun to do. So, humour me, okay? You may like bleach, but I’m a happy detergent-only kinda gal. Besides, it’s been a while since I murdered anyone and had vast quantities of blood to clean up.)
Ed. Note: It’s 2010 and I have white sheets. And a white comforter. And more white sheets. Some other sheets too, but now I like ’em white. What can I tell ya? Growth, change.
Cock Rings: Not for a Saturday in Guadalajara
In regards to this, I have two words to say: Cock ring.
We finally used one, things were good., and now he’s gone home for a good night’s sleep. We were having issues sleeping together in the beginning, but since then, we’ve problem solved. At first, two blankets, then just one. And then other little things as, it seems, I snore sometimes. Yes, there we go, the dirty truth. I’ve been known to snore. It’s terrible. A light poke in the ribs from him, apparently, and I cease my ode to lumberjacks and chainsaws. I think there’s a subliminal dance we do — he pokes, I shut the fuck up. All good.
Despite all that, we still only sleep about six or seven hours a night, and since he’s still pretty needing of sleep, we’ve finally reached a concensus that he going home to get a good night’s sleep means more likelihood of actual dirty s-e-x unfolding, and since we’re both big fans of the dirty s-e-x and even have desires to toy with the filthy s-e-x or the unmentionable s-e-x, I think we’re both in favour of the boy getting some rest.
But, hey, I think we may decide on afternoon delights later today, in 12 or so hours, since I’m heading over. Daytime sex is always fun, especially when you think of all the dumb things the people in the hood are doing — shopping, mowing lawns, fixing the sink — while you’re getting laid. Fun!
Anyhow, cock rings? Get one. Use it. Even if you’re one of these “but I last and last and last” braggarts. One day, you’ll be sick, or tired, or injured, and you’ll want to fuck like a bunny, but your (or your man’s) cock will disagree.
Enter: Cock ring. Trap that blood, enjoy that ride, and send me a postcard.
(I’ve always been a big fan of the “The weather is here, wish you were beautiful” card, myself.)
In comments, Haaaaaa has mentioned what I think intimidates a lot of people from getting into cock rings — what one should you buy? Above is the photo of the one I have, the Lasso. It’s a great introduction to cock rings ‘cos it’s adjustable for any sized guy, and is easy to get on and off. The intimidation factor is nil. Apparently metal ones give you more restraint, but they’re not recommended for neophytes (newbies). Another really awesome benefit of the cock ring is, if you’re still using condoms in your relationship, you can firmly attach your cock ring over the condom to prevent the condom from coming off, or just slippage. Get one. You’ll love it. Every now and then, it should come out to play.