Q & A: “You Can Make Me Come, But We Can’t Fuck”

I was sent the following question in a comment this morning, and yes, they were right, it is an interesting topic to write about. Time’s not on my side today, so this is a quick take on the question… a question that could unleash some interesting discussion, and I hope it does.

I decided that I want to wait until marriage to have sex, but I’m still a chronic masturbator and ok with doing stuff with guys that doesn’t involve penis-in-vagina sex. I guess I just don’t really trust anyone enough to go “all the way” with them. Do you think I’m a hypocrite?

You want the short answer? Yep, I do think you’re a hypocrite, more or less. Thanks for putting words in my mouth.

There is nothing that makes me snicker more than religious types (which I don’t know if you are one or not) who tell me they’re abstaining from sex until marriage, but that they’ve done nearly everything except things involving penetration.

It’s the same reason why Bill Clinton was lambasted for claiming he “did not have sexual relations with that woman!” I mean, come on. You’ll get them off, they’ll get you off, but when it comes to insertion, you’re gonna play the morality card? What the fuck is that?

Oral sex, manually-induced orgasms, it’s all intimacy, and it’s all banned off primetime TV, all right? It ain’t for the kiddies and the after-school special, y’know?

If you’re not comfortable having sex for one reason or another, fine, but be honest about why you’re not. Don’t claim you’re some sanctimonious person waiting for the right person or whatever. Admit that you’re scared. Admit you have trust issues (which you have done here).

It’s all right be to scared, but don’t cover it up with some vow of chastity. Don’t run from the situation just because you haven’t got the sack to ante up and face it. I think it’s dishonest to be chronically masturbating, allowing men to get you off, trading favours, but then claiming you’re “abstaining” from sex. Why? What’s the point? You’re already doing all the intimate things a person can do. You’re already investing in carnal pleasures. You’re already sinning in the eyes of most religions.

It’s the sexual equivalent of someone being issued a restraining order for not going within 100 metres of X person/place, and instead of just staying the fuck away, they stand day in and day out at a distance of 101 metres, toying with the allowed limits. How is that possibly honouring the spirit of the situation? It’s not. It’s a crock, is what it is.

I could be all nice and say, “Oh, I understand the ambivalence of not having sex,” and all that, but honestly, you’re already feeling guilty and like you’re breaking some code, or else YOU wouldn’t have asked if you’re being a hypocrite. If you have to ask, then you are. Pretty simple.

If you were abstaining from sex and not letting men finger you, not masturbating, not exploring oral, then you would not be a hypocrite.

But, you, honey, are a hypocrite, any way you slice it. I’m sorry if the truth hurts, but it is what it is.

You’re scared of intimacy, you’re hoping like hell you’re being Just Good Enough to be virtuous, and you know, deep down inside, that you wish you could be fucked silly, but you don’t have the courage or the backbone to go there, because you’re scared that once you give them what they’re really wanting, that they’ll walk right on out on you.

And maybe, just maybe, they will. And maybe, just maybe, those fears are valid.

When it comes to morality, religion doesn’t tend to offer shades of grey. Things are sins, or they are not, and you don’t get to have the decoder ring to decide just how much of one particular action equates a sin. It doesn’t work that way. So, if you’re toying with it anyhow, why not just fucking buy the full-meal deal and get on with it? You’ve not started to go up in flames with the fires of Hell licking all around you yet, so what are you so scared of?

Again, I don’t know if religion plays a part in your decision, so the “you” in regards to anything religious is rhetorical, not specifically YOU.

I just wish people were more honest about their actions, and this duplicitous “well, you can get me off, but you can’t come inside of me” behaviour is symptomatic of all the hypocrisy that surrounds us. I grow tired of it, that’s all.

(Feeling that I may have sounded a little harsh in this post, I decided to revisit it, as I know there are some “virgins” out there who are trepidatious about their sexuality, and I don’t want to add too much fuel to that fire. Check out my second take here.)

Be Sociable, Share!
Digg This
Reddit This
Stumble Now!
Buzz This
Vote on DZone
Share on Facebook
Bookmark this on Delicious
Kick It on DotNetKicks.com
Shout it
Share on LinkedIn
Bookmark this on Technorati
Post on Twitter
Google Buzz (aka. Google Reader)

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

This entry was posted in Advice, Battle of the Comments, Best of Steff, Communication, Dating, Dimestore Philosophy, Ethics, Foreplay & Arousing, Games, keeping it real, Life 101, Lust & Longing, Masturbation, Men's Department, Modern Feminism, Opinion (Editorial & Commentary), Oral Sex, Politics, Questions From Readers, relationships, Religion, Sex, Sex Education, sexuality, Society, Steff Rants, Viginity, Women's Department and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

18 Comments

  1. Jason
    Posted May 25, 2006 at 5:53 pm | Permalink

    You speak some strong truths.

  2. Anonymous
    Posted May 25, 2006 at 5:57 pm | Permalink

    Ok, in all honesty, I would say that I am “waiting for the right person,” not necessarily marriage. I tell people that I’m waiting for marriage because I know that I will be comfortable having sex once I am married, and I can’t guarantee that I will be comfortable doing it before that.

    And it isn’t anything religious, I don’t think of it as a “vow of chastity” or anything like that. For me it is about trust and who/what I am comfortable doing.

    I think the wording of it is just something I use to scare off boys who wouldn’t be ok with waiting until marriage, and make sure that the people who I’m in relationships with take it seriously.

  3. SemperSexualis
    Posted May 25, 2006 at 7:11 pm | Permalink

    Maybe I’m reading it wrong but I’m not sure I agree with the idea that masturbating has anything to do with making a person a hypocrit for deciding not to have sex. (Well… unless we’re talking about a religious person who’s playing the religion card on the whole sex issue).

  4. Haaaaaaa
    Posted May 25, 2006 at 8:17 pm | Permalink

    Hi Steff,

    I think there are a lot of good reasons to stop short of fucking. In this case it’s not a problem with lying to herself or playing with religeon; it’s a problem in coming clean with her boyfriend(s). It’s not cool to say no sex until marriage when you really mean no sex until I feel we are appropriately close. If she does meet someone and decides to go all the way, before marriage, what does she say then? “Sorry I just told you something convenient to get you off my back.” It starts the relationship out on a foundation of lies.

  5. Anonymous
    Posted May 25, 2006 at 8:45 pm | Permalink

    What about not having sex but doing everything else to avoid pregnancy but still have pleasure? I love my boyfriend, and we have oral sex (yes, I realize it is oral SEX) and touching and whatnot, and we talk about the possiblity of sex, but right now, we just can’t worry about pregnancy. I’m not not having sex for religious reasons, just for practical reasons. As you can probably guess, we are in high school, but we are mature (I believe we are, anyway).
    Hm, I’m sorry this was kind of off topic.

  6. Anonymous
    Posted May 25, 2006 at 11:45 pm | Permalink

    Steph, you kick ass.

    I tell people that I’m waiting for marriage because I know that I will be comfortable having sex once I am married, and I can’t guarantee that I will be comfortable doing it before that. .… I think the wording of it is just something I use to scare off boys who wouldn’t be ok with waiting until marriage

    I’ll point out a bit more succinctly that this is lying.

    Assuming the above is true, the “wording of it” is not merely a stylistic or compositional choice: it is misdirection; it baldly and aggressively makes a statement that deceives. If I were the victim of this kind of ruse, I’d consider it to be serious — it is a lie about a serious subject that has a lot to do with happiness within a relationship, and I’d feel deceived and betrayed if I ever found out about it. It doesn’t strike me as the correct way to go about getting involved with someone.

    and make sure that the people who I’m in relationships with take it seriously.

    And I think that is a bad strategy in pragmatic terms. I’m sure many people can imagine being in a relationship with someone who gives lip service (no pun intended) to the “not until I’m married” card but doesn’t really respect it.

  7. scribe called steff
    Posted May 26, 2006 at 12:04 am | Permalink

    J — Thanks.

    Anon — “Wording” is everything. Claiming you’re waiting until marriage instead of waiting for the right person may sound like semantics, but it’s not. You’re not being honest. Tell them you MIGHT be waiting until marriage, but for you it’s a trust and right person kind of issue, and if they’re in the relationship for sex, they might as well leave now because the wait’s gonna be a long one. Be honest. Taking the easy way out by coming up with a pat-but-untruthful statement is indicative of how you lead your life, whether you want it to be or not. I agree with the last Anon, right above this comment (8:45pm one).

    Odal — Masturbating isn’t hypocritical to me, but if one was taking the religious standpoint, then yes, it would be, because most religions deem masturbation to be a sin. Either you believe in your faith all the time, or else you believe only when it’s convenient to you — and that makes you a hypocrite.

    Haaaaa — Got NO problem with abstinence. I applaud it for anyone who’s doing it for the right reasons. I do have a problem with people using it as a badge of moral honour when they’re perfectly fine with giving head or any other fun it’s-sex-because-it’s-real-intimate kinds of activities. If you’re not fucking for reasons of safety, you’re not comfortable, you don’t trust them, you just don’t want to, then GREAT. FINE. But be honest with yourself and with your partner about why it’s the case. Just don’t tell me you’re somehow moral because of it, that’s all.

    Anon — You’re being honest about why you’re not having sex, you’re being practical, and that’s great. That’s just fine. I’m saying it’s coming up with easy-out answers or plain duplicitious answers that’s hypocritical. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not fucking for reason A or B or C… it’s saying you’re waiting until marriage when you just don’t want the confrontation as to why you’re really not having sex. It’s a LIE, for christ’s sake. That’s all. You guys don’t want to deal with pregnancy, well, that’s peachy. Perfect. You’re on the same page. ‘Nuff said. Nothing hypocritical about that.

    Anon le Trois — Exactamundo. I agree with all you’ve said, and thanks for copping to my rockage. ;) Compliments rule my world.

  8. Romantic Perv
    Posted May 26, 2006 at 5:32 am | Permalink

    Steff,

    Your rockage is most excellent!!

    For the anon that started all this: I agree with all the previous comments that you should be more honest with your boyfriend as to your reasons. As a parent of teens, I applaud your maturity though to consider how taking that final step can alter things in your life. Too many high school aged kids these days are not taking the time to consider their actions until too late. There may come a time down the road that you find the someone that you trust enough to “go all the way” with before marriage, I hope that you contnue to think things through as you have so far. Be honest with yourself and others…life will be more bearable.

    If you happen to be MY daughter though…we need to talk about all these OTHER things you have been up to. LOL

  9. Hanh
    Posted May 26, 2006 at 10:09 am | Permalink

    As much as I like to be brutally honest with people, the anonymous who did start this does sort of have a good reason for saying she’s waiting till marriage and not telling her boyfriend the truth. Imagine trying to explain to a guy that one of the reasons you won’t sleep with him is because there’s a lack of needed intimacy or trust. With all the other stuff they’ve been up, something tells me the poor kid’s brain would pop a gasket. [Queue confused cartoon head with smoking coming out of it’s ears.]

  10. Shakes
    Posted May 26, 2006 at 1:30 pm | Permalink

    The question doesn’t say anything about the reason — there’s no mention of religion or morality or what have you.
    I think this is not hypocritical. I might even go so far as to say that it’s admirable. I think sexual outercourse should be encouraged as much as possible. One can benefit from the pleasure of physical initmacy without “penis-in-vagina sex.”

  11. fia
    Posted May 26, 2006 at 2:25 pm | Permalink

    these days, especially for the late teen and twenty-something age groups, i think that the cultural values surrounding sex dictate that oral sex, manual stimulation (and certainly masturbation), are not as serious or as intimate as intercourse. i don’t necessarily agree with this, but i see that people find it easy to trade sexual favors but might not, because of the emphasis placed on intercourse and its relative meaning, feel comfortable with intercourse. i don’t think that there is anything wrong with this, although the devaluation of intimacy in other sexual acts bothers me. as long as one is honest, i don’t think it is hypocrisy, i think its emotional issues and social conditioning.
    however, i don’t think this person is being honest with herself, or with her partners.

  12. Anonymous
    Posted May 26, 2006 at 5:52 pm | Permalink

    What’s wrong with deciding not to have full on intercourse?
    If you aren’t comfortable with a particular sexual activity, then you aren’t.
    How is it anymore hypocritical then saying I am ok with regular sex but I’m not comfortable with being tied up; its very trust intensive as well, but not everyone is interested in it.
    Everyone has limits to what they are willing to do.

  13. oral fan
    Posted May 26, 2006 at 7:02 pm | Permalink

    Hey, “it ain’t immoral if it’s only oral”

    Nothing wrong with leaving something for after the wedding though. As long as you’re pretty sure the body parts will fit together.

  14. j
    Posted May 26, 2006 at 8:53 pm | Permalink

    I sent in my question ages ago (the virgin one…and Steff answered)

    In my head I’ve always thought ‘wait for marriage’.
    Not a lot of opportunity has come my way so this has been and easy standard to hold.

    Until recently when I have been questioned about this thinking/reasoning.
    I put a lot of thought into this person’s question to me.
    What I have boiled it down to is that at this point in life I just cannot be bothered to ‘just do it’. Lack of sex has not killed me thus far in life and I do not forsee that it will in the near future (drive me bloody insane at times yes but not kill me).
    As well I realized that i am worth someone committing to. I want to commit to someone as well. This is the true value for me in waiting.

    And anyone wondering as to what other stuff I may have gotten up to? Not a whole heck of a lot!!

  15. Sea Change
    Posted May 26, 2006 at 9:26 pm | Permalink

    I believe that if you do everything BUT have sex, you are playing a game with the people you are fooling around with (how ironic that that phrase describes what you do so perfectly)– and that is not a nice thing to do.

    I think most virgins play with people like that, because when they are a virgin, they have some sort of “power” over people. When otherwise, they would feel like the other person involved would have the power.

    I think this is cruel, and it gives women a bad name. It’s okay to tease, but it is not okay to wave something in front of someone and NEVER give it up.

    Shame, shame, shame.

  16. Sea Change
    Posted May 26, 2006 at 9:29 pm | Permalink

    One more comment:

    Sex without pregnancy is VERY ‘possible’ — if it were not, practically every woman in this country, and in this world, would be pregnant.

    Come on. Go to Planned Parenthood and learn a thing or two.

    All I am hearing are excuses.

  17. Sea Change
    Posted May 26, 2006 at 9:35 pm | Permalink

    ONE more thing… I apologize; I should’ve combined my comments into one.

    If you are uncomfortable with someone enough to warrant not wanting to have intercourse with them, how is it that you are comfortable enough to do other sexual things with them?

    Maybe your problem is that you need to find someone else to experiment with. Someone that you CAN trust.

  18. virgin
    Posted July 4, 2006 at 9:50 pm | Permalink

    I long missed the boat on this one, but here’s my two cents…

    I think you summed it up best in your follow-up post. ‘As for abstinence – feeling guilty about it, questioning it… Abstinence is a hard, hard road to choose. You’ll have weak moments’.

    When it comes to men, I have more weak moments than strong. Virgin I may be, but innocent I am not. This post comes as something of a slap in the face or kick in the arse, but a well-earned one.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

CommentLuv badge

Subscribe without commenting

  • About Steff

    This is my interstellar craft of truth and wit. Buckle up. If you want celebrity gossip, this is not the blog for you. If you want comfortable postings that’ll fill you with happy fuzzy thoughts about the world at large, or self-help guru shit, this is not the blog for you.
    Read more

  • Support Steff!

    I hate ads, but I like money.
    If you like my content,
    feel free to show it through PayPal.
    Support is appreciated.