Finally! Armageddon! Bring it on, Motherfucker!

Welcome. May I take your order, please?”

Sure! I’ll have a half-order of debauchery, two orders of ethical abandonment, four simultaneous orgasms, a complete absence of scruples, and a double-chocolate shake, please. That’ll hold me over till four. What time’s your drive-thru open till?”

That all depends on the shelling, and the heavy barrage of bullshit on CNN, but we’re thinking 3am. If Anderson Cooper’s not too busy taking it up the ass in the backroom, that is. That silly queer! Tricks are for hos!”

____________

Okay, so I caught a few minutes of the Daily Show and had to laugh since they brought up what’s been on my mind for days now, only I’ve had no sense of humour so nothing was coming as far as writing goes.

CNN’s on an Armageddon watch. I mean, they’re literally “checking” with their sources to see if the end of times is nigh. “If you don’t accept Jesus,” said one of their religious sources, “You’ll be in for some terrible times. Terrible times!”

If you’re gonna get some sinnin’ in, you best be doin’ it soon, is almost what I’m gleaning from their no-I.Q. broadcasts of late. Some of the reporting’s pretty good, but as soon as you get into the talking heads back in Atlanta, they’re pandering to the religious bullshit that makes me think all the Secret Service guys on Bush’s detail really ought to ALL go for coffee at the EXACT same time every single day so some fucker with an NRA membership can load up and take potshots.

[WhiZZ-BaNG!] [sCHWing!]

Goddamn, George Walker Bush took one in the ass! Jesus Christ, where’s that whizz of a head-shot, Dick, when you really need the fucker? Probably tweaking that goddamned pacemaker again deep in the caverns of his bombraid bunkers while he gnaws on a cellar-aged chub of salami.”

I don’t know what’s making me laugh so hard I wanna cry more — the religious fanaticism about this war (a war that even has me concerned, I’ll admit) or fucking Mel “Fuck the Jews!” Gibson. I’ll tell you What Women Really Want – an anti-semetic drunk millionaire with seven kids who looks fucking incredible in a pair of Levis. Oh, wait, I guess he’s more a Strauss man. He’d go for the Kraut half of them jeans before he’d settle for the Jew bit, no?

Ah, fuckin’ hell. Who needs amusement parks when we’ve got CNN, where real news goes to die, eh?

Is it the end of times? Is it the end of the world? Oh, probably. The only question now is, what advertising agency is Jesus gonna go with to get the good word out, huh? And does he really decide to smite the Jews after they smote him? A little eye-for-an-eye action?

Hell, I should hope we get something watchable — a little eternal damnation, rivers of blood, skies going black. It’s another month until the fall season of telly reappears, for Pete’s sake! I guess there’s always watching my Ghostbusters DVD for the end-of-times shit, at least.

Be like Tricky Dick. Do whatcha gotta do to get your rocks off before the good lord turns into the big bad judge and our eternities are decided for once and for all. Just don’t get caught.

Remember: Jesus is coming. Look busy. (And don’t get caught!)

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This entry was posted in Battle of the Comments, Best of Steff, Current Events, Humour, Journalling, Religion, Society, Steff Rants and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

8 Comments

  1. George
    Posted August 4, 2006 at 3:54 am | Permalink

    As a long term atheist, I think you’re trapped in the anti-religious mode and treating atheism in far too a religious way.

    Tough concept for a Catholic to evolve into but in a Yoda way, let go of your resentment and you will take the next step towards freedom.

  2. Anonymous
    Posted August 4, 2006 at 8:13 am | Permalink

    that’s anti-Semitic, dear.

  3. Anonymous
    Posted August 4, 2006 at 8:54 am | Permalink
  4. scribe called steff
    Posted August 4, 2006 at 9:37 am | Permalink

    George: Get a sense of humour.

    Anon: I don’t give a shit, dear. I hate people who log on just to correct other people’s spellings. Geez. Your life has to be way too easy if that’s all you have going on.

  5. Anonymous
    Posted August 4, 2006 at 1:07 pm | Permalink

    Well, I was going to ask Dr Science what he thought about it, but he’s already got his “question of the day”. Dammit.

    So anyway, sometimes I almost wish Armageddon would hurry the hell up and get here so all these motherfucking christianists would be whisked away and the rest of us could live in peace. Trouble with that is i have a hunch most of em would be left behind (wonder what creative excuse they’d have then), so no real progress then. Shit!

    Poor ole Jesus. He was co-opted by the nuts.

  6. Anonymous
    Posted August 4, 2006 at 3:55 pm | Permalink

    Hey wait… I was anonymous #2, that posted the link. Don’t lump me in with the other loser…

    ~SG

  7. monicker
    Posted August 4, 2006 at 7:48 pm | Permalink

    Damn, I love the way your mind works. Sign me up for the debauchery; CNN can go to hell with the rest of ‘em.

  8. Haaaaaaa
    Posted August 4, 2006 at 8:36 pm | Permalink

    News isn’t news anymore. The PR machine hand feeds the lazy reporters their stories.

    What is going is classic neoconservatism. Use religeon to calm and unite the masses against a common goal that may or may not be in their best interest. In this case the religious right and the pro-Isreal(dintinction here from Jewish) forces have used the bible scripture to make a case that Isreal MUST exist for our salvation so we can rebuild Jerusalem.

    The lazy media pick up what the PR tyoes feed them and brand it as Armageddon Watch. Such shit! Makes me sick. It feeds the two interests very well if we all worry about it.

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