Ah! Yer Kegeling Me!

Tired of feeling like a relative of the Pillsbury Dough Boy, I’ve begun an exercise program after a few months of slothyness. My whole body’s in the Total Hurt postal code (zip code for the Yanks) these days. (I think it’s code O0H 0O0 for the postal fanatics out there.) My vocabulary may not be entirely reduced to “Ouch, oh, wah, gah!” but it’s on the verge. I’d like to see what happens to this blog if I go that way. Snicker.

They say exercise is the new anti-depressant, kind of like pink being the new black. Or did I miss the memo on black being the new black? Whatever. You know what I’m saying. Fuck Prozac, embrace jogging. And pain, as the case might be. (Ow.)

But in honour of my new exercise program, for you: a word about Kegels.

AKA: Getting more bang for your orgasmic buck.

Me, I’m a spendthrift. I certainly want more for my buck — orgasms included. I mean, hey. Life’s short, yeah? Go big or go home, honeybunch. Go… OH. There you have it. Big!

If you’ve been on a desert island for the last several decades of your life and missed the memo on Kegels, WELL, thank god you have me!

Kegels: Named for a guy called “Arnold Kegel” (now, how many orgasms could a guy with that name really have had, anyhow?), the Kegels are your gateway to better control over orgasms. How, then, do you master Kegels? Any number of ways, really.

But what in the hell do they do, you must be wondering. Well, they strengthen the pubo… blah, it’s a big long word that means “pelvic floor muscles”. You know, the muscles that help you control your orgasms. For you boys out there, that means you can make yourself last longer and prevent yourself from blowing your load before she blows her top. Yeah, NOW you’re interested.

For the women out there, it’s a way of making your love canal come with a vice grip that’ll have him swearing you fit him like a glove. You love him long time, baby. Imagine being able to squeeze him tighter every time he thrusts himself deep inside of you… you better hope he’s doing his Kegel homework too, so he can hold out in the midst of all your hard work. It’s also whatcha do when you’ve gotten all stretched out like the Gumby of sex goddesses post-child-delivery and all.

How do ya do it then? Easy. When you’re peeing, stop yourself mid-stream. Those are the muscles you’re looking to exercise. Once you’ve figured out how to isolate them, just lie on the floor while you’re watching Oprah or American Chopper, and flex and release… oh, say 50 or a hundred times. Do it every day or two, and watch your sex life get better. It’s that easy.

If you’ve been doing Pilates or yoga, you probably already know how to isolate and work those muscles. For the guys out there, the men I know who’ve done either Pilates or yoga swear it’s the best thing they’ve ever done for their sex lives. License to be the Energizer Bunny of lovemaking is what I’ve been told. Rumour has it you can go five orgasms in a row without being introduced to Mr. Softee. No, really!

One of the tricks I use is, I make sure I need to go to the washroom before I start exercising. I deprive myself and hold it in, then I exercise — lifting weights, cycling, whatever. All I knows is, it works.

Are you link crazy? Here. And here. And here.

But, HEY, if you’ve been Kegeling and know first-hand their benefits, do tell! Share, and spread the good word! What say you?