Dilemmas, Dilemmas

Wow, am I ever in a shitty mood.

I actually got up feeling pretty good today. I got this rather toxic email from someone this morning, and it took me a bit to shake that off, but the person means nothing to me so I was able to do it. Something happened with someone else later that I’ve been strongly considering eliminating from my life. There’s something else involved, though, and that always complicates matters. It, however, has definitely contributed to my being pretty flapped this evening.

The more I think about it, the more I’m thinking that the grief isn’t worth it.

Some people, whatever you think they might be contributing to your life, how you feel every time you see them, how you feel when you speak to them or even just hear of them… that’s what’s important, and if the answer is “shitty”, then perhaps they’re just not contributing what you think.

I guess. And I guess that’s my answer, and what I need to do.

I can’t give you anything remotely like a hint what I’m talking about in real terms. A lot of people I know read my blogs… employers, friends, family.

But the scenario in question just fills me with dread every time I think I need to see this person or deal with them. If it wasn’t for the complication I mentioned earlier, I’d have ripped the fucking bandage off long ago. I lose something by ending this, something with a lot of potential, and if I end it, then I need to really, really believe in myself, that this loss won’t have the negative impact my fear-mongering inner-voice seems to think it’ll bring.

Sigh. The only thing I know is, I’m dreading my dread. I’m dreading even the dread I’ll feel when I see this person — never mind the act of dreading them.

These are the days when I really miss being 11 and the biggest conundrum was whether or not I felt girly enough to play with dolls that day, and if I got my homework done. Ooh, the bliss of youth.

Whatever. I’m nearing the decision that I know is truly the right thing to do… just fucking walk away. There are times when braving the horrible means you’re brave. And there are times when it’s really fucking stupid. You know, the times you want to shout at the actor on the screen and go “What the fuck are you doing?”

Come on, readers. Do it. Shout “What the fuck are you doing!” at your screen, even if you’re tucked away in a cubicle. Maybe it’ll spur our heroine (ie moi) into the kind of fuck-it-all action that needs to be taken, hmm?

OH, AND: If you’ve emailed me in the last two weeks? Sorry, been busy. I’ll be getting back to you soonish. Bear with me.