It’s a gorgeous, sunny Friday night, and I’m at home, contemplating life with my broke ass, after paying $106 out of a very meagre, very-tight-already paycheque from which rent’s supposed to come, too. (Read this morning’s rant for more on that.)
I had generously invited a couple friends over for hamburgers tomorrow, before we see the Von Bondies’ gig, the burger-fixin’s for which I already had, but have now sent them emails informing them that, should they want actual “cheese”burgers, they must supply their own cheese. Now that’s just sad. But that’s my broke ass. Frozen patties for you, friends. Ixnay the reshfay, adlysay.
I’m scheming to consider an assortment of fine bean dishes to get me through the next month, since beans are the broke person’s breakfast of champions and I’m so athletic these days that I can’t forgo protein, but sure as shit can’t afford meats or fish. And I’m a little worried, wondering if anything unexpected lingers that will hurt me financially even more, which is not anything I can actually handle at this point since all I’ve got is enough for very, very cheap eats and enough to do a couple loads of laundry.
And that’s life sometimes. Or life, that is, for those of us who “just get by” on a day-to-day basis, for whatever that reason is. Me, I had the bad luck of being born in a city that has shockingly managed to become the second most expensive one in North America to live in, but it’s my home and it’s my heart, man. Lean times come ’round for most of us Vancouverites at times. (Note to spellcheck, Vancouverites is a real word.)
Despite all that… despite the uncertainty and the deep, niggling concern, I’m kind of wearing a silly little smile this evening, and I’m not entirely sure why.
Maybe because life’s pretty spectacular even if wallets are empty. Because nature’s beauty is free and all around me. Because I know I’m not long off from work getting busy and my hours puffing up and the dollars following, as the busy season is nigh. Because it’s sunny. Because I’m creative. Because my friends are empathetic. Because I’m funny. Because I’m getting cuter by the day. Because my health’s improving. Because I feel strong and powerful. Because all my clothes are getting too big for me. Because life’s too short to look only at fear.
Or maybe because I stepped off the bus this morning, turned left, and saw that a pedestrian had been mowed down on the sidewalk by a BMW. The emergency services hadn’t even arrived yet and the streets and sidewalks were littered with concerned onlookers watching the injured man, who I tried not to look at, get tended to by good Samaritans.
And I remembered what my life was like from ’03 to ’06 as I was rehabbing from two very serious vehicle accidents and constant, chronic pain and ongoing injuries. I remembered how bad every day was, regardless of how “good” it was, because pain enveloped everything, always. And I thought of how that man would be challenged in the months to come.
And maybe because I was afflicted with such terrifying hand pain last week, which plagued me in ’98 & ’99, I had a little too good a reminder of how difficult it is to enjoy life when you’re always in pain. It’s hard to be in harmony with the world when you’re not even in harmony with yourself, when you can’t be in harmony with yourself.
My hand’s pretty much back to normal now (which it never really is, but this is its normal, so…) Yeah, already. Something snapped into place on Wednesday and it’s been night and day. Unbelievable. How blessed am I?
Despite how challenging money is now, and has been since March, it’s that old saying, “This too shall pass.” And it’s always darkest before dawn, right? June is going to suck, because I’ll be broke the whole time… but the weather’s awesome, and I’m crazy fit, and I haven’t been sick at all this year, and I have an awesome apartment, a scooter that runs, friends who put up with all my bullshit, and a job that fits into my life better than any I’ve ever had before. Is my life ideal? No. But I think, somewhere along the line today, I realized that it’s better than it’s been in a really, really long time. I’m better than I’ve been in a really, really long time.
All things considered? I’m not that guy on the sidewalk. And beans are versatile. And 30 days from now might be an entirely different scenario. This I know. God knows every single month this year has been packed with a madcap swirl of the unexpected, good and bad. Anything else my year has been, “boring” is not apt.
So maybe that’s why I smile. Or maybe I’m just enjoying being myself tonight. Either way, it suits me. And I do so hope your weekend suits you.
Of course, if you think my life deserves something more enthralling than beans in all their many-splendoured, cheap-ass glory for the next few weeks, feel free to show me some PayPal donation love by clicking here. Or just send me psychic lovin’ vibes and wishes of good. We loves the good vibes. It’s all good. :)