Have you ever had one of those days where you just wake up apprehensive and slightly disturbed, and you’re not sure why, other than the restless sleep filled with unsettling dreams you can’t remember?
Yeah. I had one of those sleeps last night. Fraught with the unsettled, but completely in the dark as to remembering any of my dreams last night. Except for a snippet where I was having this hellish clothes-shopping experience where, every item I tried on, I’d look in the mirror and it’d suddenly distort and I’d have this hideous thing looking back at me. I woke up, smoked some pot, and tried to sleep again.
Hours later, I’ve woken up uncomfortable in my own skin, and I can’t really shake it off, but I’m about to give it a good shot.
I went to bed last night thinking all these outlandish thoughts about how exciting it was going to be to go shopping for new shorts at Old Navy today. Now I’m all apprehensive about it. I’m sitting here in the XXL shorts I bought two years ago that I now have to yank the ropes as tight as possible and roll down at the waist just to keep ’em from falling down over my hips. I’ve lost more than 40 pounds, but there are times I still feel like the girl of old.
It’s a little nerve-wracking facing the demons of Mass Produced Clothing in the post-weight-loss world. Boo, hiss, mass production. In a world without regulated sizing, it can be a pretty psychologically cruel journey for someone looking to find a sense of self in a new size. As if that’s where we’ll ever find ourselves anyhow. But once we do find our self, wherever it’s found, it can always be enhanced by a great pair of jeans, no?
Naturally, I can’t afford to buy much today. A little. Not much. The broke state of Steff will come to an end in Aug/Sept, but I can find a few pennies, and that’s okay. Anything is good, right? I’ve been wearing my three new shirts this week and my new jeans I bought, and I got an awesome email from a coworker yesterday morning, an afterthought kind of thing. “Hey, I’ve been meaning to tell you, you’re looking amazing! Those jeans you’ve been wearing really, really show it off. Way to go!”
So, now I’m about to take off and have the first reckoning with what, exactly, is my new size after all? Sure, I’m nervous, but I’m also excited. Nothing like buying new clothes to reinvent our image. It’s the single most important decision we make daily on how we want our world to perceive us, isn’t it?
Living two years without the opportunity to reinvent my image thanks to such bad financial straights for so long, and having made so many changes in who I am, and knowing who I was 2 years ago versus this wicked chick I’ve become, well, this is the beginning of a radical re”branding” of the self of Steff.
For instance, I bought this terrific slightly butch shirt that I just think rocks. It’s sad that I want to have shrunk out of it by Thanksgiving, but I’ll love it in the meantime. It’s almost like a cute little tailored mechanic’s shirt with cap sleeves and darting at the waist, and it’s red and blue stripes on white, but the back has a massive 10″ embroidered flower patch offset to the left, and it’s just perfect. Feminine, yet not. Looks great with my tan. It strikes the perfect balance I want my whole wardrobe to have.
I’m no girlie girl, and I never will be. I’ve had an assortment of Doc Martens over the years and love some good boots, right? I long for a new leather jacket, I dig my short hair. But I don’t want to be butch. I’m so done with butch. I want femininity without selling out completely. I want balance. Cute but hot, tough but soft.
But who we see ourselves in our mind’s eye versus who we’re able to produce as a result of the clothing we buy, the images we craft, is wildly different. We can have an idea of where we want to go, but until we find the right things on the rack, who’s to say where we actually wind up?
So, here I go. Off to see if mass production really has a “self” I’m willing to project. And what self will it be, anyhow? Ahh, the wonders of materialism.
Here, eat some Sugasm. It’ll all be better in the morning.
The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them.
This Week’s Picks
“Are you a sex blogger or a sexy blogger?” “It builds a community that I am so proud to be part of.”
The J Word “And while you’re with her, I’ll be with him.”
Transcending moment ”It’s that place between fear and arousal, and they are so very closely related.”
Mr. Sugasm Himself — Sugar Bank
Editor’s Choice– Chill Pleasure
BDSM & Fetish
Bros Not Hoes – F/m Spanking Video Clip
Galerías de spanking: Spanking Server
Games Grown Ups Play
The Most Amazing Sex (and I didn’t come)
Mr. and Mrs. Kink Have Great Sex (Again)
My First Ever Fetish Photography Shoot & Other Wonderful Things
New spanking gallerie – Two girls spanked
Religion and BDSM
TES Fest 2008 was fabulous!
Erotic Writing and Experiences
Autobiography of a Masturbator: Porn O’Graphicus, Part 2
Club Tantra: My Experience, Unabridged
Fucking no foreplay
Getting to fuck the neighbor 9
HNT – Peach
Insanity never felt so good
Interludes – part 1
Memoir Of A Married Woman
Popping His Cherry
Re: Dinner Last Night
“Red Bottoms” (Complete)
Sloppy Seconds, Then Thirds
That Time of the Month
Whiskey Kisses (unedited)
NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
Bedroom Radio #18: Artemis Hunter and the Silver Bullet
Calstar Spanking – Severe deep stripe marks
Cheerleader is tired in gangbang video
Free video audition of Amsterdam sex performer
Half-Nekkid and Getting Shaved
HNT – A bit cheeky
HNT – Purple Lace
Making Love to the Camera
Mz Berlin Took This Picture Of Herself In Her New Wasp Creation Corset
Sex News, Reviews & Interviews
Catalina loves Lochai
Drink Semen for Better Health
Interview about spanking erotica with Spanked contributor Teresa Noelle Roberts
January Seraph Is A Hot Femdom Dominating Jade Indica In Lesbian Latex Role Play
The Monday Buzz: The Bandito
Penny Flame Fucks A Handyman With A Strap-On and Feeds Him His Own Cum
Product Research: Blow Job Dildo
Yes! Yes! Yes! Personal Lubricant
Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Be nice… until it is time to not be nice…
Finding out your good friends are swingers
Naughty Text Messages and Perverted Friends Makes Life Fun
Sex Advice Review: “Tips to Better Sex and Sleep”