I’m about to take leave of my inner sanctum, venture out into my big fat world on my big fat knobby tires and soak up all that’s round me on my bicycle with my lens, and see what comes of it all. It’s a holiday Friday and there’s three more days just like this, waiting to be sucked dry of their marrow.
I’m planning my morrow today: Up before the crack of dawn to finally go and photograph some of the damage inflicted by last December’s hurricane-strength storm that ripped many of our centuries-old trees up from their roots, clearcutting a swath of destruction through some of the sacred lands of this city, reminding us how insignificant we are in the face of the force of nature. I figure the irony of loss and destruction will be mesmerizing against morning light, if we’re lucky enough to find ourselves with a sunrise tomorrow. And even if there’s no rise, maybe there’ll be something special in the light, something playful and delightful, that I’ll only find if I take the chance and get out there regardless of what it looks to be delivering from my bedside window shortly after five, before the dawn.
I like to plan and scheme in life. There’s a lot to be said for spontanaeity, but also a lot to be said for the power of anticipation and hope. So, I’m anticipating getting up at 5:15 and heading out on my little scooter with my camera in hand, chasing sunbeams and downed trees and all that combines to make this land such a stunner. It’s days like these that make my life far richer than it might otherwise be, and when the principle players in my life are me, myself, and I, then so much the better for finding self-fuelled richness.
Sometimes, though, I’d rather the riches be coming by way of another. Companionship is seldom what we dream it to be, though. Most people wind up undeserving of all we offer. Most shouldn’t make the cut. Each of us is an acquired taste worth acquiring, but that’s not to say that most others have the palate with which to properly acquire us. So, we search, we hope, we hang on for more, always hoping someone worthy walks through that door. But for now, we wait and want and wish on more.
So, off I go, me, myself, my fat tires, and I. There ain’t nothing coming through that door today. Tomorrow, though, perhaps a grand entrance gets made. Who’s to say? Suspense is a thing of beauty some days.
I stumbled upon this photographer’s site, and it sort of got me thinking. Hence the above entry. This photographer‘s interesting. His take on relationships and physicality is one of anonymity and facelessness, which is nice and different. After all, when the lights go out, we can be anyone we want to be.

One more day. Then, gratitude to be Canadian & have a four-day weekend. Hurray for Easter! Long live the bunny.

My last weekend was a stupidly emotional one. My fault. Bad attitude and I let my fears get the best of me. My head’s screwed back on good and proper, and my coming weekend is going to be a self-love fest. Highly masturbatory in mostly the figurative sense, but let’s hear it for literalism, too.

Friday is a hot date on which I get to straddle a favourite friend. My bicycle, you dirty people, you. I’ll ride it long and hard and be reduced to a puddle of sweat, but I’ll be spent in the second-best way, and it’ll kick-start a great four-day weekend.

Some new-to-the-shore Asian guy asked me out today, but English is barely even his second language, so I smiled politely and declined. He was quite the sweetie, but I have a thing about being able to converse with suitors. Call me old-fashioned. It was cute — he came back to the school four times and finally sputtered his mangled invite on the fourth visit. Still, it gave me a nice grin and made my day. Very adorably flustered, this boy. It’s been awhile since I’ve gotten to fluster someone to such ends.

Seven years I was at my last job and never once was I asked out. Chained to a monitoring desk and wearing headphones doesn’t exactly render one well to the public. So, a nice change. Things are looking up there.

Hmm. The guy was kinda cute though. I should’ve considered his offer longer. Ha. Plenty of time for play in the months to come. No fear on that one.

Another 19 hours and I’ll be off for four days. Plans include: Bike, Irish pub with friends, A Day To The Self (Schedule as yet unknown — a photography & forest day, perhaps), Easter ham with the fam, and a lazy day of housecleaning and such. And in the midst, plenty of writing. It’s been a while since I’ve had a writing weekend. And, frankly, you deserve a little extra of me in light of my time off, don’t you think? (Mm. Ham!)

Hey, say “hi” or something. It’s been a long week. A little of the old readerly love couldn’t hurt any. 🙂 (Happy long weekend, fellow Canucks!)

Curse you, Cosmos!

I’ve been caught somewhere between depressed and wracked with performance anxiety these past few days. All of a sudden I look at my numbers and I’m doing 4,000 plus hits a day. Makes me feel like you people expect something or something. Good lord! You people are like termites — just crawlin’ outta my woodwork, man! Hey. Welcome to the party. I’ll have a martini.

But I’ve been blue, confronted with seemingly stupid things like scooter repairs that need doing. I probably have a thousand dollars worth of repairs to do to my beloved ride after a couple years of barely getting by, thanks to slow times in the notorious film industry and all, which I have forsaken for more stabler times.

The first reaction one (IE: me) has to the news of serious repairs needed or “silly” things like that is, “Why doesn’t my life ever improve? What’s this vicious cycle?” But I’m forcing myself to remember that these troubles I’m facing are, in the large scheme of things, relatively insignificant, and most of the negatives are cumulative damage from my last two years — just coming home to roost now that I’m facing my reality and living my life properly again. So, there’s something new in the equation: Suddenly I’m almost of the means to deal with these things instead of having to just pretend they’re not there.

I spent the weekend feeling sorry for myself and yesterday coming to terms with my bad attitude, and today I went to the gym and worked it out. Now I’ve got way-too-spicy Thai green curry with chicken cooking on the stove and I’m making a vat of Thai sweet black rice, so soon I’ll be kicking it back and enjoying myself after what’s been a tough but good day. (I also had a mini-review in which the boss’s burgeoning love for me was expressed in very clear terms. Money should follow when I have my formal 3 month review, since I pretty much told them before I was hired that I would work for less if rewards followed — and fast! Here’s hoping honesty literally pays.)

But I find it interesting how quickly we can be thrown for a loop. One little thing comes up to bite us in the ass and our mood can go spiralling out from under us. It can be hard to remember just how little a blip on the radar of our lives that little conundrum truly is, but re-finding that focus and the ability to dismiss it for what it is — momentary — is the key to finding balance and equilibrium in the midst of the tumult.

So, yes, I’m bogged down with repair woes and challenges right now, but I suspect by June I should have it easier. In the midst of all this, I’ve noticed my complete lack of interest in dating sites and the whole online bullshit. I figger I’m needing to appreciate myself right now, and I doubt anyone else can deliver what I need. The focus is entirely back on me, myself, and I. The world will follow.

Tonight I rejoined the land of gym rats and made it into the community centre. I’ll be heading in the next two nights, and Thursday night my bicycle comes back all tuned up by my cycling guru friend, Whipped Boy, and things should begin looking up again. Normalcy, and spring, and goodness. If you’re gonna be broke, be broke in the warm-air months when there’s a world of fun outside your door. Timing IS everything.

Anyhow. Back to the regularly scheduled program over the next few days — two reader emails await tackling: The young girl who’s all stressed out that she hasn’t had an orgasm six months into her relationship and her boyfriend’s all hell-bent on making sure he brings her to one. Take a wild guess at what I’m gonna say. Or don’t, and read all about it next time. Then there’s the woman who demanded an apology and was surprised when she didn’t get one. I gots me some thoughts on that one, too!

Just full of thoughts! But most have been truly self-obsessed of late, but stay tuned for the rather interesting visual of Steff yanking her head out of her ass! Truly a Kodak moment! Thanks for your patience, boys and girls. Thai green curry, anyone? (Me! ME!)