Not too long ago, I learned of the Buddhist exercise that is tantamount to writing your eulogy for the life you hope you will have led.
I hadn’t given the idea that much thought until the recent days.
See, the thing about legacies is, they don’t just happen. They take years — often, decades — to carve out. Who we are, who we were, isn’t just some momentary snapshot — it’s a grainy 8mm movie that never stops playing.
Every day we have opportunity to contribute more to our lives. Every day is another stroke on the canvas of our legacy, another swath of colour or texture that contributes to the work of art that is our life. Continue reading
Yearly Archives: 2009
Losing Pounds? Losing Wounds.
I wonder, sometimes, how life knows to get the timing just right, so that, if you’re paying attention, you can use the synchronicity to really gain some wisdom.
Luckily, I tend to pay attention.
Tuesday has been “headtrip day” for two weeks now. Yesterday was jam-packed — a night of chatting with one of my best friends immediately after another trip to the headshrink, and then this morning I got to watch last night’s The Biggest Loser.
And I’m not sure where to start, so let’s do the Tarantino end-middle-beginning-takes-you-to-a-new-ending thing, shall we? Continue reading
A MiniEpiphany of Sorts
I know what I’m doing wrong. I’m not owning it. I’m not buying into it. And I sure as hell have not drunk the Kool-aid.
And I must. I must drink the Kool-aid.
The simple reality of my life right now is, I can’t afford to have one. I’m sick of constantly living in the red. Black, baby. Black is the new black.
I also have a book to write. Continue reading
What Little I Remember of the Day I Almost Died
I’ve been blogging six years now. There’s been some crazy stuff in that time. Five years ago this month, I’d almost died. I’ve never posted that story on here, just on my journal blog, and might as well. Here’s what I wrote about that day, a year after the fact. I’d write it differently now, but…
the happening scares me.
the not knowing is what terrifies me.
i remember getting on the bike, revving it, and riding off with my friends.
then, nothing. nothing until the dull fluorescent beige of the ceiling in the ambulance and a paramedic leaning over me.
“do you know where you are?” Continue reading
Filler
We use words like “empty” and “full” to judge qualities of life —
“Oh, he’s amazing, he leads such a full life!”
“Wow. I feel so sorry for her when she leaves to go home, she looks so sad, like her night and life are so empty.”
…But how much of those “full” lives is filler? And how much is just arbitrary because of choices made earlier? Who or what is the standard for measuring weightiness or completeness of existence?
What’s St. Peter gonna say at the gate? “Oh, sorry, another 3.7 activities per annum and you might’ve led a “full” life, but, no, you don’t squeak through, even. I’m afraid we’re filing you under “adequate” life. Better luck next tim– Oh, ha, yeah. That’s our little joke here. Too bad you weren’t Buddhist, eh?” Continue reading
Morning
It’s grey and oppressive, a long day awaits. But it’s somehow all better this morning.
And that’s the beautiful thing about “better”: It’s subjective. You want it, you got it.
I believe in owning my moods, though. I spiralled into a pretty dark place last night. You got the sanitized, for-public-eyes version. Me, I did some serious cerebral spelunking through it all. Those dark mental forays aren’t about lingering there, it’s a recon mission at best. I’m getting in, seeing what the scenario is, figuring it out (why it’s that way, how I got there), and exiting with a plan in place.
Now I have some ideas. 🙂
Good morning.
Burn(t) Out
I’m trying to psyche myself up. A new Post-It Note adorns my television-front with two messages, officially the only mantra-y thingies on my walls right now.
“Motion is lotion” and “Pain is weakness leaving the body.” Maybe now I’ll forget the love affair I’ve recently ignited with my sofa.
It’s the season premiere of The Biggest Loser tonight, and it’s proving to be a bit of an emotional experience. A seriously emotional one, really.
This comes after a rather wound-picking-ish therapy session after work. [insert heavy sigh here] Continue reading
It's a Walled World After All
I live in an area crowded with old brownstones from the ’50s, low-rises with big windows, balconies, and narrow streets between them. The illusion of it being an intimate neighbourhood is exceedingly well done.
For all its lack of imposing, stacked up against the major metropolitan downtown that’s only a few kilometres from here, it’s amazing how little I’ve met the people I’ve lived around for a decade. Maybe a third of those in my alleyway have lived here for the decade I have. Of them, I know perhaps five.
For three months now, I’ve wondered where one of them, the neighbour I overlook from my kitchen, was. I assumed some big trip around the world, since more than a few people around here have turned out to be travellers.
But then I saw her Friday for the first time in three months — more than 100 pounds heavier, looking 15 years older, tired, worn, and just about to quit — life, not just her job. My heart went through the floor. Continue reading
Sugasm 172 and TGIF, Baby
How nice! Sugasm picked me as Editor’s Choice for my story about tomato plant pollination. 🙂
This morning I got interviewed by a national print health magazine about my weightloss of 70+ pounds and my total-life-reconstruction thingie. I’ll get a little feature with a picture of my smilin’ face. That’s pretty cool.
But tonight, it’s more cooking. I’m in a cooking competition tomorrow, my first ever, and I’m looking forward to how it all works out. I’m looking foward to just being DONE, actually.
So here’s your Sugasm list instead of a “real” blog post. Lots of great writing on here. Including mine. 🙂 Dig eat, eat some Sugasm, you know you’ll love it.
Sugasm #172
The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #173? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.
This Week’s Picks
A Hot Fuck in a Parking Lot
“We got more daring and soon clothes were a hindrance to our insistent hands.”
I Think I’d Rather Misbehave
“I bet the secret thrill of this has your cock already climbing to attention.”
The Painter
“He says something, small talk, and I stutter something back, lost in the blue depths of his eyes.”
Sugasm Editor
Strildo?
Editor’s Choice
Yet Another Reason You Should Buy a Vibrator
More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm
Dating Options 101: Whatchagot
I had too much wine on Saturday night, wrote this. Didn’t publish it for fear I might’ve said too much. In vino veritas and all. So here’s the version you see. 🙂
I’m being antisocial. Again. I’m at that point where people are draining me, so I know I need my time to myself.
Some guy’s aggressively pursuing me. I could be shagging this weekend, not lounging around in ugly clothes. The thought fills me with a little doubt as I look down at my yoga pants and my shitty concert t-shirt. God knows it’s been long enough. If landscapes were sex-life allusions, then mine would be the Sahara in a drought. I’m okay with this, though. Except, you know, at those moments when — SCHWING — I’m so not. Fortunately, self-inducing oblivion helps avoid those moments.
I’ve been rebuffing said attempts. Pretty sure he’s not really my type. It’d be just sex. Incredibly-hot-guy-with-no-mental-connection sex. If things were less complicated, maybe. Like I say: A dry season in the Sahara. The problem with hormones is, once you turn ’em on, it’s like the switch gets broke. They get this mind of their own. I’d prefer not to fuck my mode and just avoid sex entirely unless it’s for the “oh, YOU might be a sidedish of WOW” kinda manly potential right now. Continue reading