The Sex Tips Scene from "Friends"

When this scene originally aired nearly a decade ago, I howled with laughter. I thought it was as true then as it is now, that guys fail to realize just how goddamned much of our bodies can be tagged as erogenous zones. This was from early in the fourth season. I think it’s relevant to this topic of cunnilingus.

My point for posting this, actually, is so guys get it into their heads that what we want is for you to wander our various erogenous zones like a gypsy with vertigo. Don’t set up camp, as Monica says. Have no fixed address, and have a variety of rhythms, like a jazz session gone awry.

Part two of the Man’s Guide is in progress. Hang tight.

SCENE:
Monica, Chandler, and Rachel are in the girls’ living room as the topic comes up of Chandler having fucked a woman that previously had slept with Joey.

MONICA: [to Chandler] So, did you do it?

CHANDLER: [dejectedly] Yes, yes, we had the sex.

MONICA: Uh-oh, was it bad?

CHANDLER: It was fine, you know, but she didn’t agree with me as strongly as she agreed with Joey. She was more like, uh, “Oh, I see your point. I’m all right with it.”

MONICA: Well, it was the first time. You know, there’s not always a lot of agreement on the first time.

RACHEL: Yeah, not for girls anyway. Guys agree… [snaps her fingers] …like that.

CHANDLER: Look, you have to help me, okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman. I know where everything goes. It’s always…”nice.” But I need to know what makes it go from “nice” to “My God, somebody’s killing her in there!”

MONICA: All right, I’m going to show you something a lot of guys don’t know. Rach, hand me that pad over there.

[Rach gets a pad and pen off the table and hands it to Monica.]

MONICA: All right. Now… [starts to draw]

CHANDLER: You don’t have to draw an actual wo– [looks at Monica’s drawing] Woah, she’s hot!

MONICA: Now, everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. You got… [starts labelling her diagram] …one, two, three…

[Chandler nods impatiently]

MONICA: Four… [now Chandler looks up, surprised] …five, six, and seven.

CHANDLER: [shocked] There are seven?

RACHEL: Let me see that. [looks at the drawing] Oh, yeah.

CHANDLER: [points to diagram] That’s one?

MONICA [chuckling]: Kind of an important one.

CHANDLER: Oh, you know what? I was looking at it upside down.

RACHEL: Well, you know, sometimes that helps.

MONICA: Okay, now, most guys will hit one, two, and three, and then go to seven and set up camp.

CHANDLER: And that’s bad?

RACHEL: Well, if you go to Disneyland, you don’t spend the whole day on the Matterhorn.

CHANDLER: Well, you might, if it were anything like seven.

MONICA: All right, uh the important thing is to take your time. You want to hit them all and you want to mix them up. You got to keep them on their toes.

RACHEL: Oh, TOES!!

[She jubilantly raises her hands in air. They both look at her.]

RACHEL [slightly abashed]: Yeah, for some people.

MONICA: Okay, you could, uh, start with a little one… a two… a one, two, three… a three… a five… a four, a three-two… a two, a two-four-six…

[Monica starts to get into it ]

MONICA: Two-four-six… four…

[Rachel kind of moves back and stretches out]

MONICA: A two…

[Monica now has her eyes closed and is getting visibly excited]

MONICA: Two… four-seven… five-seven…

[Chandler looks away from both of them as if he can’t believe what’s happening]

MONICA: Six-seven; seven, seven, [faster] SEVEN, SEVEN, SEVEN-SEVEN-SEVEN-SEVEN-[Chandler looks at her in disbelief] SEVEN-SEVEN!

[Monica, eyes still closed, leans back and shudders and says silently, while holding up seven fingers, “seven”.]