All Wound Up and No One to Spring On

A storm is brewing. The air is thick, heavy, clinging,and almost chewy. Now and then a salt-laden breeze sweeps through my apartment, bringing a fragment of relief. And then it goes away, and all that’s left is this ominous forbearance of a change about to rain down on us, literally.

I love when a storm comes at the end of a heat wave. A thick wall of humidity is just cut through with sudden winds and rain, when we’re lucky with lightning. It’s nature’s equivalent of that intense tension that sometimes builds between a couple — whether that oppressive bad tension or that sizzling hot tension, doesn’t matter — and can only get broken by some good animalistic sex that doesn’t include “please” or “thank you” or small talk.

Sigh. Aside from the heat wave about to shatter, and with it this sticky clingfilm that seems to envelope me, I’m just generally hot and bothered these days anyhow. It’s that time of the month, so I’m amped on hormones, but I also had to spend a couple eight hour days last week working on sexual programming for TV at work, which can be bothersome and troubling when you’re in a well-lit office with lots of people. It’s an inappropriate time to get “into” your work, you know?

So, I’ve been eating tonnes of chocolate this week. That’s just great for the diet. Booze and chocolate, en masse, for several days. I’m chalking it up as an unholy convergence of a few sources of arousal over several days that have left me very sexually wound. A little too tightly so.

But I’ve been able to cash in and order some sex toys…

Yeah, I’m thinking the best thing that could happen for my diet right now is sex toys. Okay, well, getting laid would be nice, but that’s another dilemma altogether and we’ll just leave that for another little chat, shall we?

Sex toys: Easy to adapt to, easy to incorporate into my life, and I’ll always get the last word, and get it exactly how I like it. Right? Yes, there you go.

I have no good sex toys right now. THAT’s my problem. Ain’t that I’m not getting laid, it’s that masturbation has gotten boring. Bring on the multi-speed. That’s what I say. I mean, there’s only so much your poor little hand can do, right?

Sex toys are something we all should have. Too bad we see them as being such an extravagance. I’ve been wondering the last few days how much of my road rage and periodic grumpiness could be mitigated by some serious shagging. Or maybe I just need more chocolate. Shagging burns calories, though, as opposed to parking them on my already-ample ass.

See? This is why we need the sex toys. Because too much chocolate could ensure increased difficulty in the getting-laid capacity if it keeps appearing on one’s ass. Sleeping around is dangerous. Sex toys are safe, provided they’re cleaned properly and all that fun stuff.

This is exciting. Within a week I’ll be motoring my way to happier, more interesting orgasms. Gee, life just gets better all the time. Yes, of course I’ll share my experiences with you. I may be doing very regular sex toy reviews, actually. Let’s all keep our fingers crossed.

Being well-adjusted and even-tempered could actually loom in my life. Ludicrous, yes, but seemingly entirely possible! And all due to the fun of sex toys. Well, well. Yet another great thing about the internet.

Inspired? Have a lookie here at VibeReview, where I’ll be getting my toys. Splash-proof!

Funny enough, I’m editing this thing now and a few flashes of lightning have since devoured the humidity, and everything’s cooling off all of a sudden. Fantastic. :)