I’m sitting here in my Chuck’s, with my suede carcoat on, my sunglasses, and even my courier bag slung around my shoulder, because I was literally turning my doorhandle and something hit me.
I realized my bike ride yesterday is literally one of maybe a half-dozen times I’ve really been able to just settle the fuck down and enjoy life in a physical-outdoors-active kind of way since early last September. Yes, five months.
I spent Christmas panicking my back was worsening. I spent the whole fall pretty much fucked. Strung between trying to get through life with what was, for a time, a very debilitating injury, struggling to keep home challenges reigned-in, and I’ve had to work through it all. I’ve spent my life of late pretty much just getting through week after week because I’ve had areas of my life unbalanced. Every week had a new area I had to throw focus on, the existential equivalent of when you pay only enough on a variety of bills so you can catch up on the one most dangerous to fall behind on. Y’know what I mean?
But yesterday was a good day. I put the brakes on a little and said, “Hey. I need to opt out of work and into life for a bit today.” And did.
Virginia Woolf once wrote, “Look out! If you are losing your leisure, it may be that you are losing your soul.”
Every year around this time, the fight to get through the doldrums of winter intensifies for me. But this year I’m realizing the whole winter’s just been one big fight. Creatively, it’s killing me. Yes, I say things eruditely and all that, but none of it feels inspired. I don’t have that spark. I have an inkling. But inklings are so very unexciting. I’m a spark-girl. I like my flame.
The thing about February is, it’s when we start to emerge victorious against that anti-doldrums fight. Crocuses appear sprouting from the ground, and buds on some trees. It’s a fantastic feeling for those of us who fall victim to the clutches of seasonal affective disorder every year. I’m actually grateful in some ways for my back injury now, because I wonder if I really would have stayed active if I didn’t physically NEED to, and I think it kept me focused on something this winter, rather than submitting to the season like I usually do.
Now I’ve made it through. Now I’m 85% or so healed from my back, maybe even more. That’s presuming I was ever 100% to begin with. My legs actually felt powerful on the bike when I did tackle hills yesterday. The cardio, however, heh, could use some work.
And spring looms. Thank god. Less than 5 weeks until daylight time changes and we have days long enough for me to comfortably cycle to work and back. And I WILL be ready by then. THEN I’m making you my BITCH, streets of Vancouver! Just wait and see, baby.
Just a sad tangent here, people, but I’d like to just note that a reader and Twitter follower of mine died on Monday. No word yet on how, but he passed away in his sleep. 38. A reminder to appreciate the bodies we have, and not take life for granted. I didn’t know him in a real sense. I know other reader/followers better. I chatted a few times, exchanged some emails, but in a way I did feel like I knew him. And that I knew enough to know the world’ll be a little emptier without his wry wit. I’m thankful, sometimes, that this electronic world has allowed me to get to know a few of you, even if only in a surfacing kind of way.
Speaking of getting busy living or getting busy dying, I have a world awaiting me. But I’m glad I stopped in to say hello. Please forgive any errors, I’ve no time to edit today.