Monthly Archives: September 2005

The Man's Guide to Cunnilingus: Part 4

This is part four in my opus on cunnilingus.
Part one is here, part two is here, and part three is here.
Tackling a lover orally can be quite different for the two sexes, not just for the obvious reasons.
As far as I’ve been able to discern, sucking dick’s the same no matter how you approach it. Sure, it might be a little different upside-down, but it doesn’t seem to change matters that much.
Can the boys weigh in on this and correct me if I’m wrong? I have that slight problem of being dickless, hence clueless on that aspect.
Chicks, though… We’re a sensation wonderland. Every way you turn us, move us, the feel’s different.
Think about it. A penis and vagina go together like a puzzle. The negative space in a cunt accomodates a dick perfectly. This is why it’s so fun to play together.
But that said, every bit of internal female plumbing has different reactions to stimulation. The back end of the vagina responds differently from the front end. The vulvic walls create a space within them that’s similar to an hour-glass, but with a longish fold similar to sliding your hand between the pillows of a couch, all mixed together. That means that entry from different angles creates different sensations — never mind our perineum, our clit, our ass, or any of those other happy places we’d often like you to make yourself at home with.
Fingering a chick with your fingers turned sideways, like a key entering a keyhole, flicking them against the opposing walls, this feels a world different that entering her with your fingers turned wide for the entry, since it causes more sensation a little higher up on the walls (thanks to that extra width up top) and stimulates both sides of the vaginal walls at the same time. Like I said, a very different feeling.
Slanting your fingers so they hit the front or the back also changes our reactions.
Then there’s having us move into different positions that allow different areas to receive sensation — such as propping a chick up with pillows.
You might not ever understand all the ways a chick can respond differently to sensation, since it’s all “hidden in there,” but at the very least, you can appreciate it and keep it in mind.
There are a few basic approaches you can take when performing cunnilingus.

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Front & Centre: This is your standard approach, as illustrated in the beautiful photo provided to me by Daniel & Sabrina at Tell Your Sex Story.
This position can be attained by being on the bed between her legs, or by you approaching when kneeling on the floor in front of the bed, or as illustrated in part three, you could even have her lying on a table table as you take the comfortable position of sitting on a chair before the table. I did say “dining,” didn’t I?
Lying on a bed may be routine, but it’s my favourite position. I love just lying there and relaxing as a guy has his way with me because it really allows me to enjoy the experience.
Also, although it may seem like a boring, conservative position, it’s actually the most flexible one. You or she can manipulate her body into a variety of different positions stemming from this basic one. Every way you move or angle her legs will vary the sensation slightly. Play with this. This also allows easy access to every single erogenous zone on her body since only her back is out of play.
And don’t forget, it also allows for you to use your nose on the clit, as I detailed in part three, something that most of the other moves do not permit.

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Down & Dirty: From the most flexible position, we go to the least flexible one. An interesting alternative, this one’s a very sensational feeling, but it’s also very emotionally detached, which can compromise some of the intensity for some of the chicks. And as mentioned, it’s very limited in scope.
You’re essentially eating her backwards from behind. Slide two pillows, at least, under her midsection so her derriere’s in the air, which gives you access. This is a really different sensation for the chick since the tongue reaches internal areas it can’t usually reach, essentually angling back towards the cervix, and against the back wall, instead of against the front wall.
The negatives to this approach are as follows: One, a total lack of eye contact. Two, no ability to stimulate all her upper-body erogenous zones, from her mons to her breasts and neck. Yes, it’s a great sensation, but unless she asks to have an entire session done this way, make sure you bring other positioning into play.

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Sideways: This one’s great, and as mentioned, it’s one of the myriad ways you can adapt the Front & Centre approach. All you need do is lie beside her, on your side. Have her drape a leg over your torso — the leg depends on what hand you favour. For example, if you’re a rightie, you want to lie on your left side, so your right hand is at your ready and able to join the fun. Her left leg, then, will simply drape over your right hip.
Your head will be parallel to the bed as you enter her with your tongue. For greater control, you can stretch your left arm (again, if you’re a rightie) out and under her right thigh, and use your hand to pry her fleshy inner thighs back. Digging your tongue in as deep as possible is a real bonus with this approach.
Your tongue enters her sideways, so when you’re flicking and darting, you can favour one side of her vulva over the other or go back and forth, batting your tongue against each wall rhythmically. You can wag side to side or do the classic “around-the-world” movement, all of which works nicely.
A really arousing trick is to lightly rub your upper front teeth’s edges against her labia as you dart and delve into her. It’s a nice multilayered feeling and I guarantee it’ll get her riled.
With your right hand free, and with more of her upper vagina exposed thanks to your head being sideways, you can really work with both her clit and her breasts with your dominant hand.
Done correctly, this can be a really stimulating series of moves, and could possibly cause her to climax sooner than you want. Watch for her leg pressing heavily down on your hips — but she might be doing this to tighten all the regional muscles to get more bang from your buck, so also pay attention to breathing, gasping, et al.
Don’t forget, you do have flexibility with your indominant hand, as well, if you want to find a creative way to toy with her with both hands.

Girls, if your man’s stretched out at your side, don’t forget to stroke his cock, or just hold it firmly if your concentration’s too affected. Using your thumb to rub up against that delicate sensation wonderland under his penis tip, the frenulum, will get him more aroused and might increase the intensity of his oral work — if that’s what you want. But stroking is a really nice touch and lets him know you want to appease him as much as he wants to do so for you.

Upsidedown: This is essentially a 69 — le soixante-neuf — position. She straddles your face with her face being down over your cock. The moves for each player are pretty limited, and I should think fairly obvious. If you’re making the night about her, this is probably not the way to go.
Why? Personally, I enjoy the odd 69, but I’d rather not be distracted while giving or receiving oral. I tend to have a very hard time focusing on the matters at hand — or tongue, as the case tends to be — when I’m being pleasured. If you want a subpar blowjob, then that’s your call, right? And I’m down with that. I just realize my limitations, that’s all. I suspect most chicks feel this way, but I know it’s not universal.
I think guys need to appreciate that the mechanics of fellatio are more complicated than cunnilingus is. You can lie there and let your tongue do the work for you, but we have to do the head-bobbing thing and focus on your lower shaft, et al. It’s a physically more demanding task. It’s complicated business, and those of us (like me) with ADHD and such might not be able to function well under the dichotomy of the much-vaunted 69. Just keep that in mind when you’re comparing notes with oral performances of the past.

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Mounted: This is when she sits on your face. This position is almost fetishistic in a way since so many guys seem to love the notion of a chick straddling their face. And why not? You open your eyes and her tits are hanging over your face.
It doesn’t allow her to really relax and enjoy the experience, though, so I think that while it can be fun in bursts, it shouldn’t be a long-sustained position. It’s hard on a woman’s thighs and calves, and can be hard on her lower back, as well. That said, it does allow for a deeper probing with a man’s tongue, and god knows that’s not something to complain about.

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The Rearguard: This is another position where you will be on your side. It’s a reverse-69, basically. If you’re a rightie, you’re on your left side, and vice versa. The difference this time is that she’s also on her side, with her back to you. You want her to lean back into your body, and your body is to lean forward into hers a little, so you both support each other and it allows her to rest more comfortably. You want her to prop her upper leg up and over your torso. It’ll probably drape over you just under your armpit, so you’ll have to have your dominant arm resting over her leg. Make sure her lower leg is bent, with her knee pulled up towards her a little. This gives you more room, stretches her vagina a bit to tighten it and give added sensation upon entry, and also stabilizes her more.
This position allows you to enter her from behind, and allows you better access to toying with her perineum by nuzzling it with your chin as you work her over with your mouth. That’s the beauty of this pose is that it’s the only one that really allows you unparalleled access to her whole vagina and her entire body, granting you the ability to stimulate anything, anywhere. Plus, you get the added nice sensation of having your cock against her back for that extra bit of intimacy.
Your indominant arm, unfortunately, will be in an awkward position and won’t be able to do a whole heck of a lot other than maybe stroking her inner thigh. You could always give her lower foot a massage, though, and it’s an intimate way to cater to her as you continue lapping her.
(You can reverse this position for a front-on-front sideways 69 as well. Backwards, it frees her from obligation, though. Frontwards, it allows you to delve in towards the cervix, so both ways has its advantages. Personally, I prefer this method of 69, since I find it easier to perform in. It might be interesting to hear your opinions on this matter, though. )

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It should go without saying that positioning is a pretty important factor. If she can’t get comfortable, she may not be able to come. Make sure she’s able to relax in the position she’s in. Check in with her during the process from time to time.
Remember all the tips from the previous three postings: Use your hands as much as possible, use your nose when you can, use your teeth, vary your pressure & rhythm, et al. Read the preceding postings, if you haven’t already.

Lousy Lover Syndrome

DirtyTalkingGirl (DTG) over at Pussy Talk recently posted this about her lover’s stubborness in wanting to get her off through oral:

I have to say that M gave me his best last night. He went down on me unasked, made all the right moves with tongue and lips, pulled my thighs over his shoulders, changed position and bent in over me from the side, tried every angle of oral approach and entry. He was textbook-perfect.
All to no avail. I couldn’t come.
At one point, I apologised. Told him it wasn’t him, I just wasn’t in the mood, time of month, blah blah. I added, I’d rather you fuck me. I wanted the penetration.
He said, “No, I want to make you come this way.”
As he laboured on, putting fingers here and thumb there and vice versa, I felt like a lawnmower that wouldn’t start.

This posting set me off, for some reason. I began thinking, “If someone as skilled in and open about sex as DTG felt this frustrated and this much like a failure when her lover plodded through what he thought was his money routine, then where would that leave a “lesser” lover?”
Feeling pretty fucking negative about sex, I suspect. And that’s not fair. In fact, it’s downright cruel.
Our bodies are enigmas. Some things work brilliantly sometimes, and sometimes they fail. That’s just the way it goes.
DTG went on to say that maybe a switch hadn’t flicked in her mind, that the mood hadn’t hit her, and as a result, she was left unswayed by his “best.” She asked to be fucked doggy style, and was again rebuffed. Her lover stuck with his seflish intent of having her reach orgasm his way instead of the one way she thought she’d be able to reach it, considering her somewhat uninspired state.
I’m here to tell you one thing and one thing only: I don’t give a shit if you’re the king or queen of the world with your skills. If your lover tells you it ain’t working, that they want to have you try X method, and you rebuff them because you’re somehow intent on bringing them to climax through your present approach, then it doesn’t matter what skills you have.
You’re a lousy fucking lover.
Listen. Listen. Listen. I’m always saying “listen for aural clues — a switch in breathing, a moan,” whatever it takes, right?
Well, when someone flat-out tells you what they want, and they tell you they’re having trouble “getting there,” and you disregard it, you’ve broken every damned rule in the book.
Me, I think that when the mental baggage started to come into the picture, DTG should have told him to stop. I think she should’ve made him realize that he was starting to make her feel bad.
But that’s just how it goes. It’s so overwhelming when we’re in the heat of that moment and all those inner bells and whistles start tooting: “You can’t come? What are you, frigid? You’re good at this. Hell, you don’t even need to do anything. The ride has come to you! Come on! Orgasm! Squirt, baby!”
We can logically dismiss it, but the hurt’s still going to find its way in, and we start thinking we’re being selfish AND a failure.
And the truth is, it’s not us being selfish, nor failures. It’s our lousy fucking lovers.
This applies to both sexes. Listen to your lovers, and don’t let your pride and inability to concede defeat leave them feeling like crap (and unsatisfied).
It’s wrong and it’s cruel. And it’s just plain bad sex. Wake the hell up.

The Young Woman's Guide to Getting Over Herself

This was a posting over at www.NYHotties.com by yours truly. The blog owner there is Alexa, so this was a letter sent to Alexa, and Alexa asked me to answer it for her:
Hi, I’m Steff, and I’ll be your cruise director tonight.
I’m a Canadian girl, born & raised in Vancouver, and I run a site called [Smut & Steff]. One of Alexa’s friends said that being featured on NY Hotties was like being the featured slut in a bukkake-fest because so many people came. So after you shoot your tender lovin’ comments all over this post here, cum over to my site, fill me up and spray me down with even more hot comments. I’m a comment whore!
My specialty is sex advice, which is why I’m hijacking Alexa’s hot little site here per her request. She recently received an email from a young reader that went a little something like this…

Dear Alexa,
Let me start with the usual by saying that I absolutely love reading your blog!
By means of introduction, I am an 18-year-college student in Philadelphia. Freshman year, I had a boyfriend who took my virginity, about 9 months ago. I enjoyed sex with him but for some reason I could never orgasm. We would try oral and manual stimulation which felt great, but still nothing.
I now have a new boyfriend and everything is ten times more amazing, but still nothing. I scream, I moan, but every time I come close, I just want to throw his hand away or push his head away. The pleasure becomes so intense that it’s almost a pain, and then I don’t want it anymore. It’s stressful for my boyfriend because he believes that he’s not pleasing me. What is wrong with me? I try to let myself go and stop thinking about it, but then I worry, thinking that I have to urinate or I’ll get a UTI, if it’s too hard.
If you have any suggestions whatsoever, I’d love to hear them.
Thanks,
Ain’t Came, but Ready to Go

Alexa decided she’d ask me to weigh in on the topic, so I’ve put my little thinking cap on. Being brought up in a pretty repressed household with Catholic morality running rampant means that I have tremendous sympathy for this young woman, ‘cos god knows I had some overcoming to do before coming came ‘round for me.
First off, honey, you ain’t alone. One in five young sexually-active women has never had an orgasm, and I suspect that isn’t even high enough.
You need to realize that it doesn’t make you a freak, there’s nothing wrong with you, and it’s something you can overcome, if you’re willing to get past your inhibitions and try different approaches to resolving your issue. You’re already ahead of the game by admitting this and by wanting more information, because info’s most of what’s going to help you get past this.
First question is, do you masturbate yourself to orgasm?
That split moment before a woman experiences orgasm is often an uncomfortable, almost painful experience, but that’s what makes it all so heavenly when it’s finally broached. You need to let yourself go.
Unfortunately, that’s easier said than done — especially if you never masturbate!
Just so you know, when I first began masturbating in my mid-teens — which is exaggerating the truth since I never got comfortable with touching myself till I was around your present age and had already had sex — I was under the delusion, everytime I approached orgasm, that I had to pee. I can’t TELL you how much toilet paper I went through those first days of dry-humping pillows while lusting after George Michael posters on my wall. I kept running down the hall and trying to pee every time I felt myself getting excited, and then I’d get pissed off, thinking “I haven’t drank anything in two hours! What the hell?”
Know what? That’s how it’s supposed to feel. As for getting a UTI, no. Not the case. After you’ve had sex, go pee and clean up, and that’ll do a lot towards preventing a UTI. The threat isn’t as great as you perceive it to be, not even close, or why would chicks want to have sex as much as some of us do?
Now, for privacy reasons, I don’t have your email address as Alexa has kept that to herself, and rightly so. But as a result, I can’t ask you some of the important questions:
As I already asked, do you masturbate to orgasm? Do you really care about and trust him? Are you scared of the experience or do you have any apprehensions? Are you beating yourself up about your supposed inability to come? Have you ever been assaulted? Were you taught that sex was bad, that to enjoy it made you a whore? Were you raised is a religious household? Are you insecure about your body? Have you ever taken the time to read up on sex yourself? Do you like to touch yourself?
These are far-reaching questions and may even strike you as a little too psychologically-bent to apply to the very “simple” process of getting off when you’re getting hot.
Unfortunately, that’s not the case. Our mindsets are incredibly linked to our ability to orgasm. Particularly as females, we’re so bogged down with societal demands on our morality, with our parental teachings and social stigmas, that we have a lot of baggage we have to overcome before we can bloody well come, that’s more true than it has been in awhile, in this frickin’ uptight Religious Right-dominated political landscape we presently find ourselves under. Shame is the order of the day, and it’s on special two-for-one with a hefty side of guilt. You need to get past all that crap, too, and it’s hard.
Education is the best way to go about it, though, and it’s easier than it’s ever been, thanks to the internet. Honestly, the more you read about sexual dysfunction, the more you’ll learn just how common it really is. For example, I just did a very helpful websearch on Google using the following keywords: orgasm difficulties “young women” about resolutions. Read some of the results and that’ll give you a great headstart.
But you asked for help, so I would suggest a few ways to approach this problem of yours.
First, cut yourself slack, baby. Like I said, you’re in quite a number, what, with one out of five women claiming this problem, too, but that number’s probably higher in reality, considering the shame that surrounds admitting things like this. Hell, I can even tell you about women I’ve talked to who’ve never come alive sexually until they’re in their 40s.
Second, you’re on a completely different page from guys in your age category. They’re at their sexual peak right now — meaning they’re horny as hell and easy to please — and you, honey, you’ve got 10-15 years before you even reach that neck of the woods, which is the standard for all women. And you may think he’s a pro, but he’s probably a very clumsy lover and has as much to learn as you, since the female organs are far more complex than the male organ. By the time you hit your peak, around 30ish, with your being open about this already and wanting to learn more, I guarantee you’re gonna be a sexual goddess. Right now, for you, it’s all about discovering yourself, and that brings me to the next point.
Third, stop thinking that sex has to be all about the orgasm. It is, but it’s also not. Especially not at 18. It’s about learning all about a lover’s body and letting them learn about yours. Great sexual relationships start off slow and build as each partner learns more and more about what to do and what not to do. It’s not a race. For now, stop pursuing orgasms in the traditional sense of the word. This brings me to number four, a homework assignment.
Fourth, download the Divinyls’ masturbation classic, “When I Think About You, I Touch Myself,” and lighten up, considering how much of orgasms come from thought — which is FAR MORE TRUE FOR WOMEN than for men, and moreso today than ever, in this confused redrawing of the gender-lines that’s bringing us into a whole new ball of sexual confusion.
In case you’ve never really explored masturbation, let me give you a few tips. Vibrators are great, but for most women will not result in orgasm, and definitely not at your age — unless you’re using it on your clit. But fingers will do just fine, and are better for you at your age, since it’s about overcoming hesitancy. The happy-button is your clit, and you should be giving yourself a little cliteral massage. Trim your nails nice and short, and introduce yourself to your clit. The clit’s where it all happens, since maybe 10% of women can cum through just intercourse alone.
Massage your clit slowly and gently until you start to get thoroughly aroused, and try to bring yourself to orgasm. Don’t be ashamed of touching yourself or masturbating. Don’t balk when it starts to feel intense — that’s normal. It’s all normal. Hell, masturbating is a part of a nice Sunday in for me. Women who are truly comfortable with themselves sexually always get to know their vagina first-hand. At the same time, squeeze your tits, play with your nipples — this doesn’t make you weird, it makes you comfortable with your inner sex goddess — and believe me, she’s in there.
Make love to yourself. Because if you can’t do this, how can anyone else do it for you? Like Oscar Wilde once said, “To love yourself is the beginning of a life-long romance.” At 18, you’ve got a long road of romance ahead of you. Enjoy the ride.
Fifth, talk to your doctor and tell him/her what’s wrong. Maybe visit a free clinic and pose these questions and have an exam to make sure everything’s working fine or you don’t have any unusual developments. If you’re uncomfortable talking about it, write it out like you did for Alexa, seal it in an envelope, and give it to the doctor’s receptionist a day in advance of your appointment, and explain to the receptionist that you’re too shy to ask the enclosed question, and that you want your medical professional to read it well in advance of when they enter the exam room, so your pride can be spared.
The doc’ll appreciate it too, since their time is money and they’ll be happy you cut through the bullshit and brought up the real issue before the appointment. You should request that they gather helpful resources for you, which is doable if you give them leadtime before the appointment. (Important: Include the appointment time within the letter so the doc knows how much time they have to prepare for you. They’re as scattered as anyone, so don’t be intimidated about simplifying things for them.)
Sixth, tell your man it ain’t him. Tell him you’re working on the issues, that you need him to give you time and space. Learn how to deliver a great blow job. I’ve got a very helpful guide on both BJs and cunnilingus on my website. Read my “Good Girl’s Guide to Giving Great Head.” Explore. Bring him pleasure so he knows you’re breaking boundaries for yourself, but it’s all for him. Let him know that you’re learning to love yourself in every sense of the word. And let him know, that when you’re ready to, you will masturbate in front of him so he can see how you’ve learned to make yourself cum, and he can start things slowly by doing what you’re comfortable with. This is SO helpful for young couples. Have him masturbate himself as he watches you, and you should take notes on that, too. It’s a very arousing experience to share and teaches you both how each other likes to be touched.
Again, if words are difficult to say, then writing is the way to go.
Realize this: By coming to the brink so many times with orgasm, and stopping the process, your body’s dying to let go. The first few orgasms may be difficult to endure, but let it happen. You’ll be so happy and pleasantly spent afterwards that you’ll feel like a new woman in so many ways.
Finally, a last word about the society we live in and how screwed up it can make young women like you feel. As females, we’re taught that if we really enjoy sex and know what we’re doing, we’re whores. We’re taught that “good girls” get married and find nice men and never worry about orgasms, and the “sexual girls” only bond with Energizer batteries, not decent men.
And it’s bullshit. Own your sexuality, baby, because a life of pleasure and strength and power awaits you if you can please your man while loving yourself. There’s no shame in it. Men respect it and appreciate it — and you will, too.
This might well be a new start for you. But it might take a while. Most young women aren’t comfortable masturbating until their 20s, so bear that in mind, since it speaks volumes.
Good luck on your journey to sexual awakening. And enjoy the ride. It’s a long, but fun one.