Stuck In Single: The Weekend Blues?

I’m a sucker for makeover shows. I’m addicted to TLC’s What Not To Wear. In fact, I’d say it’s played a major part in why I’ve lost 30 lbs, and why I will continue to take another 35 or so off. It’s why I wear makeup religiously again, something I got out of the habit of when life turned to shit at age 25. It’s why I’ve gotten hip and cute and usually find myself winking or smiling at myself when I pass a mirror (a conscious thing).
Self-esteem was something I just never had. I never really liked myself and always considered myself an ugly duckling and uncool. I played the role of cool chick with cool attitude when I was out of high school and in early college, and always hung with the older, cooler crowd, but deep down inside, I felt I was a poseur.
There are days, still, when I’m left feeling like a poseur. I’m genuinely shocked when I get emails and comments from people praising my writing, for example. I can’t fathom what folks see in it – some days. And other days, I feel like I’m really all that. It’s a constant struggle, loving oneself, but it’s a fight worth fighting.
I get asked from time to time how one copes with being single. I’ll tell you, I’ve got experience in that. When my life went to hell in a handbasket at age 25, with the demise of a longtime relationship, the death of my mother, and other fun events, the last thing I was interested in was my image. The next last thing I cared about was a relationship. I knew myself well enough to know that getting into a relationship would be a death knell for me. It would, inevitably, go bad. (I mean, let’s face it – the average relationship is 90% likely to die within four years, and we all know relationships seldom go gently into thy good night.) And when it went bad, I would blame myself, hate myself, and go into a blind rage at He Who Caused It – and I knew it’d all be displaced anger I felt over all the other shit that was going on, and I knew it’d mean I wasn’t dealing with what needed to be dealt with.
So, I stayed single. For five years. I won’t even tell you what happened with sex – the occasional fling, which didn’t do much to help the self-esteem issue and instead left me hating myself even more. I learned that having sex for fun is one thing, but having sex to fill emotional needs that aren’t really being met, that’s just destructive. So I stopped getting laid, too, and got my shit together first.
I had a serious car accident and was lucky – the insurance company paid for me to have a personal trainer. Her name was Christine and wherever she is now, she played a major role in teaching me to learn to love myself and appreciate my health. I was fat, I was depressed, I was angry, and I had little to be thankful for, I thought, but I pushed myself despite the world of physical pain I was living in. She was incredible, she encouraged me so much and told me I was kicking ASS on her healthy, normal clients. And I remembered something about myself – I was a determined, strong person. I can do this, I thought.
And I did. I lost about 50 lbs over the next year or so, and have sort of stagnated for awhile, but never really gained anything back. Now, I’m losing weight again and plan to drop more – without depriving myself of those things I love, like red wine and chocolate and all those delectable good things that add richness to my life. I’d rather bust my ass physically than lose the good things, y’know? (Remember, I’m a big proponent of the all-sex diet. I’m not adverse to a good workout, and hey… I’m determined. 😉
But it wasn’t just the working out that helped me change. It was realizing that I would eventually spend the rest of my life with someone, but here, now, I was alone, and the more I talked to those who were “spending their life” with the person they loved, the more I heard “I wish I could be single again, just for awhile. I’d do it differently…”
And I vowed to live my single life better. I could dine out alone with a good book and love the experience. I’d occasionally hop on my bike, kill myself for a hardcore ride around the city, stop at a seaside café, and enjoy the moment. On Saturday nights stuck home alone, I’d have a long, lingering, oily bath and some nice red wine and make myself an incredible grilled steak meal with all the fixings. I’d enjoy the silence. And sometimes I’d write about myself and all the things from my past and present that limited my enjoyment of life until then, and the dreams I had for my future.
Slowly, surely – and this process is ongoing, so don’t kid yourself about it being an overnight process because it takes years – I have come to love myself. Most of the time. Like I say, there are times I don’t feel right. Times I feel like a poseur with writing. Times I feel out of my league. But I plow through. I try to find something positive to hang onto on those days and that’s all I know I can do.
In the last couple years, I’ve had one “sort of” relationship that detonated because the guy had more baggage than a Samsonite shop, but I’ve been on an endless parade of dates with an endless assortment of men. And none of them have been worth my time beyond that first date. No matter what I’ve learned about what I want from love, I know I love myself too much to bother getting involved with someone who’s not going to be all the things I need him to be.
I’m having a rare, rare second date tomorrow night, and I’m optimistic, but I’ll keep my mouth shut about that beyond saying this, he’s a nice guy and he’s different from most of the guys I’ve been seeing ‘cos there’s an intellectual connection that just works. (So, possibly proof here that nice guys don’t always finish last. Take note.)
But if it doesn’t work out, you know what? Not the end of the world. That’s just the way life goes. In the end, I’ve got myself, and that’s a pretty good consolation prize.
So, here’s the deal. If you’re stuck at home alone, sans relationship, with that “Why can’t I find anyone?” woe-is-me mindset this weekend, stop it. Have a quality drink, a nice meal, wear whatever the hell you want, close the blinds, and have some nice time alone. Take a latenight walk with your iPOD, have a long hot bath, call someone you’ve not spoken to in ages, write a bit in your journal. But stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Being single is the freedom to be who you want to be, any time you want. And don’t forget it. Relationships, when they’re good, they’re great. When they’re not, well, honey, you don’t need that shit. You got you. Enjoy it.

14 thoughts on “Stuck In Single: The Weekend Blues?

  1. Sheen V

    I’m glad to hear that things are shaping up for you! I also watch “What Not to Wear” often and am trying to incorporate thier guidelines into my preppy wardrobe. I wish more people would watch it too. There are a lot of attractive people hiding under layer of frumpy clothes.

  2. Anonymous

    Well, I’m male and a good deal older, and not single, but at your age I felt much the same, and was dealing with a bunch of hard stuff of my own. Nowadays I am pretty darn successful, actually, and writing has a bit to do with that. Well, mostly thinking, writing is just thinking out loud in a sort of solitude.

    I don’t feel all that different on the inside, I am still pretty sure I am a fake or really not up to it. But I’m willing to keep on faking it as long as they keep buying it.

    And what I’d like to tell you is this: never underestimate those bouts of self questioning and lack of self-esteem as the sources of your power. It is doubting and questioning and assuming the worst, that leads to the best. You never lose them, and you get a bit more experience, you will start to think, god forbid.

    Damn near every high acheiver, doer, mover and shaker I have known well enough to dig into a bit, had serious periodic self-esteem issues. Almost everyone that the audience would judge as successful, feels like a poser from time to time, if not most of the time, I think.

    Orval

    (I have gotten to kind of think of despair as a kind of reboot button, when your operating system gets too overloaded with crap and malware stupid complexity, a good bout of despondency amounts to sort of a clean reboot. Not fun, but necessary, right?}

  3. MsBehavn

    The biggest thing about a relationship, a good one anyway, is that you (or I) deserve it, steff. Hope your second date goes well!

  4. Anonymous

    Heh I really can’t imagine you as anything but amazing.

    The latenight walks, writing, alone time… good times. I’m in a relationship and I realized that I’d completely lost the capacity to be alone – partially because I spend most of my time in a dorm, which is a hyper-social environment. Now I have to really make an effort to get those things back.

    Heheh I had some absinthe a while ago and might be kicking in… possibly I shouldn’t be commenting on blogs. Ah well.

  5. Anonymous

    Hi! I’d just like to say that your comments have a lot of personal resonance for me. I’ve been single for years, and am going through much the same process of feeling comfortable in my skin. Which is funny since I’ve spent most of my time in singles-ville feeling stigmatized, and now after my desire for getting back into a relationship has lately resurfaced, I’m turning around and doing everything I can to turn being single into a positive. Teaching myself to cook, even something like sitting alone in a coffeeshop on a sat night just reading and chilling out, and generally rediscovering all the little things I’ve denied myself all these years. Last august I road tripped from Vancouver to PEI, by my little lonesome, and it was great. Freedom, sweet freedom.

    So power to you, steff. If there’s hope for you (and from the way you describe it there sure is), there might just be hope for me too. Heh.

  6. scribe called steff

    Sheen — Well, I’ve been short of cash and losing weight, so my clothes are mostly a little large on me. About 50% of my wardrobe has already been tossed, and I could probably replace most of the rest too. But the stuff I have isn’t frumpy like my shit USED TO be, that’s for sure, and when I have cash, I’ll have no problem picking the right stuff out. I’m looking forwards to that experience, actually, and suspect I’ll be able to enjoy that sooner than I think. That’d rock. 🙂

    Orval — Thanks for the thoughtful comment. I honestly hope I never get too comfortable with myself. I hope I always keep this drive to change and experience new things. But I’d like just a tad more confidence professionally, but that’s the kind of thing that comes with experience and success, and I’m working towards that. Sigh. Long road. 🙂

    Enigma — Yes, we do! 🙂 I hope it goes all right, too. Being single wears thin after awhile, but not at the price of being with someone undeserving, that’s for sure.

    Anon 1 — Yeah, being alone can be a learned skill, but it can also get a little too comfortable sometimes. Like when I do have the opportunity to actually sleep with someone, I go nuts sometimes with someone lying in my bed past about 6am, but then, they’ve been the wrong guys. Who knows. Maybe the right one feels right without too much effort on my part, but I’m skeptical. Heh!

    Anon 2 — What, I’m giving them out like Halloween candy? heh! I look for a specific breed of smart guy who digs my writing and me and all that. I’d need to be woooooooed with a wow of an email, for starters. But that’d suggest I was skeptical about the upcoming date and I’m not, so I’ll cross that bridge if it appears.

    Anon 3 — I bet the Prairies were where the loneliness kicked in, eh? THAT’s a long drive! Good for you! I love travelling alone, actually, and have met simple incredible people when doing so. I’ve driven up to the Yukon alone, all over there alone, down to San Fran, and all the hell over BC alone over the years. I fucking love a solo roadtrip and if there is ANYTHING I now miss about not owning a car, it’s roadtrips — leaving at 3:30am, music all planned out, a schwack of snacks, my camera ready for anything cool. I always stay in hostels so I meet the most people I can. Being alone doesn’t mean being lonely unless you let it, and when I travel, I try not to let it.

    My folks are from PEI, and one of the best times I’ve ever had was my 8th summer, when we stayed in PEI alllllll summer long. I still remember a lobster feast that included going through 15 lbs of butter and about 200 lobsters for my whole extended family. A cousin ran a lobster boat and I got to go catch the lobsters with him. It was wicked. Ah, fuck, that’s a gorgeous place, PEI. I’d love to own a part-time home there one day. 🙂

    And, yes, there’s hope for everyone, and getting your shit together solo means yer gonna have better experiences when you get there. I think that itch to not be alone anymore means you’re finally ready to take the plunge. You could always try Craig’s List instead of regular e-dating or something. That can give you a lot of immediate options and you can pick what best suits you, if waiting for a real-life connection is taking too long.

  7. J. D.

    Thank you for that eloquent entry.

    I love reading you for the parallels I see between my life and yours. No great huge things like “oh my god our lives are the same!”, but more that you articulate an introverted sort of narrative I can relate to.

    Again, thank you.

  8. scribe called steff

    Joe — It’s all about the examined life, eh? What’s that quote, an unexamined life is a life unlived? That’s what keeps me going, examining. Better, stronger, faster, etc. 😉

    Bishop — Ask me again when your blog’s more than a month old… I tend to only give links to established sites. Too many blogs start and die. Some darned interesting photos there, though. Keep it going and come back in 6 or 8 weeks and ask then.

  9. ~The Goofy Ass Chick

    Steff,

    Your entry got to me. Not often do I read something and have it feel like I could have written in myself. At 25, I was also released into singledom after a four year relationship ended. I was more than devasted. And although it empowered me to attempt to be everything I believe I can be, I also felt like a fake on the inside at times. My strength was on the outside (losing weight, saving money, getting a 2nd job, purshasing cuter clothes) but on the inside I was a mess who just wanted that love back. I’ve also had only one significant relationship since then but it ended because of me being so guarded. Although being single is tough most of the time, I do enjoy my alone time a lot. There are often times I wonder if I seek out men to fill that emotional need too. Personally, nothing is a better turn on to me than imagining waking up in a man’s arm, stretching and then having a little morning sex. I’ve actually dreamed of a faceless man looking over at me, parting my hair from my face and telling me how much he loves me. Analyze that one! 😉

    I think you’re a great writer and I love what you are doing here. I’m so inhibited in so many things about my life, especially sexually. I empowered myself for Valentine’s Day and purchased my first vibrator. If I can’t have a man, I’ll at least have the next best thing. Thanks for all you do here.

  10. Anon3

    Actually I went south through the states and re-entered Canuckistan through Thunder Bay, just because I’ve seen the Canadian rockies plenty of times. I loved the scenery through Montana and N.Dakota and those miles and miles of straight open road. I only got a taste of PEI and N.S. and can’t wait to get back. It’s really a gorgeous corner of the globe.

    And yeah, I’d say that I’m definitely feeling that itch again. Not sure that I’m ready to take that plunge but I can feel myself making progress. Baby steps for a big baby like myself. 😛

  11. Amber

    Being alone is hard to do in the couple centric society, and I hear what you are saying Steff. I’m just entering another alone and needing self imporvemnet stage. I really took off in the wrong direction with myself and my life when I settled all the way into a marriage with the Oh So Wrong Man. Now I’m just trying to figure out qhat really makes me happy and waht I need to feel llike I’m getting the most out of my time here. It’s a tall order but I’m sure I’m ready for it. Thanks for sharing 🙂

  12. kojak

    Sorry, sweatheart. Nice guys, unfortunatly do usually finish last. However, you don’t have to be a “bad boy” to not be Mr. “Nice Guy”. Being a Mr. Nice Guy just means being predictable, full of complements and no spontaniety. Chivalry doesn’t have to just come from Nice Guys.

    I posted something on guys growing some balls when it comes to approaching women. Maybe you can post something under that article.

  13. scribe called steff

    Depends on your definition of “nice.” This guy’s nice, but I’m sure he can be a little badly behaved, and has been, but it’s my definition of nice, and thus far, he ain’t finishing anywhere near last.

    But yeah, not predictable, is spontaneous, but likes to give compliments, too, and that’s a good thing.

    Compliments are important.

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