Q&A: Dear God, Stop That Already!

Every now and then I receive a doozy of an email that takes some real figurin’ to figure the hell out for the reader in question. This morning is the perfect example. I suspect the just-passed full moon might have something to do with it, but I digress. I think this may even have to be a two-part answer, for the first time ever. This is the second question in a week or so from a rocker type, and this one we’ll call Meatloaf. Now, Meatloaf sez:

See, my question is simple, however I feel it requires some explanation. I’m slowly starting to think I’m addicted to sex, or lust, rather. Not a bad thing, but it’s getting outta hand. Whenever I don’t have sex with my girlfriend, I’m masturbating to porn (not all the time, but about as much as my body can keep up with). I lust after most women without any effort, which is becoming the biggest part of my problem. We’ve recently moved to a new house and my next door neighbour is gorgeous, as is her next door neighbour. On itself not that much of an issue, but I can hear the girl right next door having sex – when I’m outside, that is, and since I can’t smoke inside, I hear a lot.
I don’t have to explain to you how angelic the moans of a woman reaching orgasm are. Shit, I’ve been to concerts of my favorite bands that didn’t sound that good, and now I’ve got that sound ringing in my head all damn day. I can still do my job, but it takes more concentration than it used to. Anyway, I’m blowing testosterone out of my ears and my girlfriend is only human. Our sexlife is out to lunch anyway – a problem I may have caused myself and which I’ll have to resolve myself, and I think I know of a way to begin doing that.
Which brings me to the actual question: Do you know of a way to suppress lust? Some kind of Buddhist Zen-thing. Staying away from porn is hard enough, but I really can’t do anything about the pretty girls flocking around me (more than usual it seems). Or the other way around: How can I  jack up my girlfriend’s libido, or get her subtly to read your website which I think will help with some of the hang-ups she’s got. If I just say “Here, read this.” you won’t believe the grief I’ll get.

So, methinks a nicotine patch and quitting smoking ain’t likely to do the trick. Pity. Wouldn’t that be great, an orgasm patch? Just slap one on, and there’s no need to be doing anymore slapping? Have orgasm, will travel? Lemme know when that one’s patented, all right? Approve THIS, FDA.
Hang-ups: what are those? Who has hang-ups? I don’t have hang-ups! Let’s start with those, though, and work our way backwards, all right?
Every chick has had or does have hang-ups. We’re hard-wired that way. Do you tell her she’s beautiful? When you do fuck, do you touch and kiss her everywhere? (The more of her landscape you travel, the more she’s likely to lower her guard.) Do you make a point of physically showing you want her from head to toe? When nothing else is happening, when you’re just wandering past her to get a glass of milk from the fridge, do you lightly trace a finger over her ass, or kiss her on the neck? Do you touch her waist and thighs as you’re watching television together? Do you nibble an ear at random?
Most guys don’t, so you’re not alone. The more often you communicate both in words and actions that she’s who gets you fired up, the more she’ll want to fulfill that role for you. Sexuality is a nebulous thing, and you need to enhance it for her.
She’s on the cusp, I suspect, of her 30s, which means her libido will soon start escalating. You want it NOW. So, you need to do a few things, including all of the above.
One, you need to communicate more. Chicks are emotionally fragile. We’re raised to be constantly self-conscious about our appearance, and as a result, our sex drives can be pretty fragile if we’re not feeling sexy. We’re also raised to differentiate between what “good” girls do and what “bad” girls do, and good girls ain’t fucking 24/7… or so the morality police would have us believe.
You’re in a difficult position. It’s also a chicken-or-the-egg scenario, in my mind. Were you sexually unfulfilled and the next door neighbour made it painfully obvious, or did your next door neighbour incite in you a desire to try new things? Who knows. Doesn’t much matter.
The thing is, you’re not sexually satisfied, whether your lover’s putting out or not, it seems. So, my thinking is, it’s time to change the rules of the game. She’s got hang-ups, you say, and is having a hard time moving past that. Well, what do you think your job is? It’s not all on you, not by a fucking long shot, but you can help get her to the next station in life, if only you play your cards right.
This needs at least one more part in order to get the answer right, and I’ve got a few ideas of different ways you can go.
First off, though, is the question of sex addiction, and I’ll refer you to an old posting of mine, in case you’re thinking you might want to try this avenue of getting past your focus issues. Check back tomorrow, same bat-time, same bat-channel, for more on this conundrum. Weigh in if you wanna, kids.

9 thoughts on “Q&A: Dear God, Stop That Already!

  1. A Reader

    Methinks, he should be neighborly, go over, and introduce himself (to both neighbors) separately of course. 😉

  2. Oz

    Yeah, I’ve had that thought myself. Though the thought has come to mind, I’m committed to the woman I’m with. Why would I stay otherwise? You can always give me your next door neighbor’s address, so I can fix things for you. Hee hee! Just kidding! I know this is serious. I was in the same boat, just not the whole porn thing, but not because I didn’t want to. I just don’t have that much time in my life. I wish I did. I might be more satisfied these days, and though things have improved, I’m not getting as much as I want! Will we ever? Testosterone!? I’m telling you, off the charts!!!

  3. Southern

    Had a neighbor once in an apartment complex, townhouse style, that my wife acted as resident manager. Her bedroom wall was opposite our bedroom wall. She was recently seperated/divorced and she was an active lady with her new lover. Oh the moans, when you just new she was giving him one heck of a bj..my imagination said so anyway. And the headboard knocking on the adjoining wall..jeeesss.

  4. A Reader

    Y’know, now I’m curious about this woman’s moans. Is he doing podcast requests? 😉

    Whatever he does, he better do something cos it’s distracting him way too much in too many areas of his life it sounds like, and maybe not even his girlfriend will be able to scratch this itch when she comes around…but the focus of his attention is the other woman (and her neighbor).

    Me, I’ll believe this woman’s sound of ecstasy are the heavenly “music” he thinks they are when I hear em. Ahem…podcast please!!!

  5. scribe called steff

    It’s funny, I have a homemade bedframe, and the fuckin’ thing squeaks like mad. I’ve actually gone and taken screws and nails to the damned thing to try and get rid of the squeaks, but to no avail. During good nights, the thing emits a continuous tone, like it’s approving or something.

    I share a bedroom wall with a neighbour, so I’ve made a point of moving my bed to the other side of the room, “just in case.” I’m more vocal than I once was, but I still try to keep it down. Sex in the living room, however, is pretty freeing, as none of the walls adjoin any other apartment, although someone lives below me. Screw him, though!

    READER: Yer BAD! Evil! TSK. Bad!!

    OZ: Rough life, innit?

    SOUTHERN: I don’t have to worry about my neighbour getting laid. She’s way overweight, balding, doesn’t care how she looks, puffy from neglect, has that shiny “I eat grease and drink alcohol ALL DAY” kind of skin, and wheezes from climbing the stairs to the apartment. Her last lover was similarly ugly, and I used to cruelly refer to them as “The Fuglies” when being snide with GayBoy and talking about them. I don’t feel that badly, because she’s a REAL piece of work and was very insulting and demeaning to her last guy, who I thought was nice (but ugly) and deserved better treatment.

    If I *had* ever heard them having sex, I would’ve been nauseated, since I have a very vivid imagination, and that would’ve been a bad thing to imagine, even worse than Parent Sex.

    READER: Moans sound awesome. ’nuff said. I especially like to know I’m causing them, tho, that’s even more fun than hearing just a random moan. Ownership or something (of the moan-causing, not the person, I mean).

  6. Haaaaaaa

    I could have written that note myself. Some guys are just wired into a perpetual horny circuit. I have even maturbated the next morning about the sex I had the night before.

    This guy just needs to calm down and take a deep breath. At every second of the day, someone, somewhere is having sex when you’re not. Just get over the neighbor or at least enjoy listening. The next time he hears the neighbor he should take his girlfriend out there with him to listen. Maybe she’ll find it hot too.

    Sincere affection without an ulterior motive is maybe one of the sexiest things for women. That realization has gotten me into the sack with my wife a lot more lately. Meatloaf needs to calm down and cuddle up on the couch with his girlfriend. She’ll come around.

  7. They're not talking about me, honey!

    Wether or not this is gonna turn out to be helpful or not, it’s at least good to know I’m not alone in this – something one tends to forget in moments of frustration.
    It’s also some strange kind of funny.

    Anyway, I find it somewhat odd to be commenting on “my” moment here, so I’ll quickly address a few things and leave it at that – but know I’m listening.

    Reader at the top:
    Ofcourse, this was my first idea for a solution, but I’m not the man I used to be and I don’t think I can take her boyfriend… or my girlfriend for that matter – hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, yeah?

    I don’t have exceptionally much time, but more than the average person. And else I’ll make time… What I’m trying to say is that I’m not as sad a person as the porn-thing makes me out to be. Heh.

    Reader somewhere down the middle:
    Yeah, it’s distracting, but I manage. And I’m confident enough in my girlfriend’s skills to be sure she can scratch my itch proper.

    How’d you figure I liked Meatloaf? Granted, it’s not my main music, but still. Spot on.
    Any which way, thank you for your time and help.

    And that would be it.

  8. A Reader

    Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims “Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?”

    Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

    Johnny cries out “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”

  9. A Reader


    I’ve been known to cause a “few” moans in the bedchamber (not the “ouch” kind either smartygirl ;)>). I was already good in the bedchamber, but when I read your primer “The Man’s Guide” Pts 1-3 and how to the trip at leisurely pace added to my repertoire, I got a few more. Add a dash of “mastery” of the situation, and it really makes all the difference. 😉

    Tanks Steff.

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