Sombre Thoughts On A Friday Night

You ever have that feeling of, “I want sex. Now.” Well, of course you have. Haven’t we all? Now, how about that feeling coupled with a non-existent desire to masturbate?
See, now you understand why I’m confused. Well, I’m not confused now, but a few minutes ago I was, when I was lying in bed, planning on doing the dirty deed – naked, under the covers, at 7 on a Friday. Why? Because I’m tired. I want sleep. I’m really, fucking tired. I’ve not been in the bed so early (for such an innocent reason) on any night, let alone a Friday, in a long-ass time.
But I was lying there, contemplating masturbation for the first time in a while, and literally shrugged it off and said, “Fuck it, I’ll write.”
I’ve barely seen my man this week. Briefly Friday, a little Saturday night, and a nice but disappointing Sunday, and not since then. It feels weird, like forever or something. Normally, we hook up Fridays. I don’t know if he stayed home tonight after all, but there was talk of poker – which would be his first time hanging out with the guys since he badly broke his leg six weeks ago, and probably just the kind of night he needs.
Okay, let’s call a spade a spade: Broken legs are shit for the sex life, all right? They are. We’ve been doing our best, trying to manage between positioning, fatigue, pain, and all those complications that arise from any serious injury, but when it’s a leg, it’s all just that much more frustrating and hard. Besides, sex, when positions are not much of an option, tends to be a little unfulfilling. It’s really too bad, because it’s all about variety, isn’t it?
Mentally, I want to get fucked silly. One of those exhausting, sweaty, draining experiences that leaves you gasping – with this guy of mine. Physically, I suppose I probably desire it, but I don’t feel it. Logically, I know it’s just not going to happen for a bit. It’s all depending on what the doctor tells my man Tuesday.
In case you haven’t already heard, he shattered his lower right leg when it snapped like a twig during a bad tumble down a slope. A couple titanium plates later, and he was in a world of hurt for a long while. He’s had no cast on the leg, just plates, so he’s been very vulnerable for the duration of the injury. He’s also in a world of suspense. Apparently, he claims, 5% or more of patients of this kind of injury need to be opened up again (and he has two 5”+ incisions, on both sides, just above the ankle) and have the plates re-set.
So, Tuesday, we find out. He’s worried, and I’m concerned. Honestly, another six weeks of this… there’s a lengthy rehab as-is, but going back to square one would be so hard, because then there’s another wait, another period of suspense, and more pain, more adversity… Who needs it?
We just don’t know. I’m positive about it, but I can’t say I’m optimistic. We just don’t know. The possibility, though, is freaky. If he gets a “Wow, you’re doing dandy!” from the doc, man, I can’t imagine how good each of us will be feeling about it. That’d be sensational. God, would that be great. We’d have hope back and could start talking less tentatively about the future.
It’s not until you’re at the end of these kinds of scenarios that you really begin to appreciate how difficult it has been.
As the “girlfriend” of the boyfriend who’s on the disabled list, I’m left having to check my emotions all the time. I’m not allowed to be too concerned, I can’t be too fluffy or doting, and there’s so fucking much that I have to resist saying or expressing.
I’m left feeling like any of my concerns are selfish or that they pale in comparison to his problems. But we all do this. “Oh, but X has it harder than me.” So? Your emotions are invalid, then?
Who says our feelings come with built-in comparison scales? They don’t. Whatever pain, sadness, grief, hardship, woe it is we feel, it’s ours, and ours alone. It’s valid by the very nature that it exists. Is it selfish? Maybe, yes. So then you need to find a better way to deal with it. It must be prioritized against others’ needs sometimes, but it can never be disregarded.
I’ve been prioritizing the Guy’s needs in a lot of ways, and it’s beginning to wear thin – not because I don’t want to make him a priority, but because I’m just getting a little worn out, I guess. It’s different, right? Normally in relationships you can be more spontaneous. You can call them up and say, “Hey, can I get me a little somethin’somethin’?” You pop in, get what you need, have that quick, nice visit, and life is good. Or sometimes it’s 10 or 11 and you’re thinking, “Yeah, going to bed alone tonight? That sucks. I’m dialin’ up some love,” and you get your ass into their bed as quick as you can.
We can’t do that. I’m the one that has to go to him for anything spontaneous (which iis to say not at all), and really, late nights? Just not happening much at all when we’re together, never mind when we’re apart.
Injuries change relationships. There’s no getting around it. I understand injuries far too well, having spent much of four years in chronic pain earlier this decade, so I hold no grudges against my guy. He’s had a bad stretch. Soon, we’ll know if we’re into phase two. Waiting, though, from now until Tuesday is going to be fucking killer. I really, really want to know what our future holds. Regular sex? Score. Going out on the town? Score. Somewhere down the road, a real walk where we can hold hands? Score, score, score.
As of tonight, suspense. Nothingness. No clue. I’m scared of a bad prognosis, but I really, really doubt there’ll be one. It’s the possibility, however small, though, that’s the terrifying thing. There’s nothing that can be done but wait. And it’s not four days – it’s four days on top of nearly six weeks.
But he’s a fine man, and worth a wait. It’s because he’s a fine man that I’m getting so tired of waiting, though. I really, really want to enjoy him at his best, but we’re all adults and sometimes there’s just no fucking hiding from reality. It’s going to be a while, one way or the other, but the other’s just so much less desirable, that’s all.
Still, being in those arms again sometime very soon would be a good, good thing. And the suspense will be over soon, thank god.

4 thoughts on “Sombre Thoughts On A Friday Night

  1. swamps

    well, i hear you about waiting to hear what a prognosis will be. it is scary.

    but, hey, it sounds like you gotta good guy. and if he’s worth his salt, you should have no problem unloading on him a little. he may be temporarily physically handicapped, but i’m sure he can lend you an ear, right? and give you a big ole hug and a kiss? i mean you are a part of this, too. i’m sure he’s picking up, on some level, your frustrations. I know for me, I cannot hide that stuff to save my life.

    besides, i don’t think it’s selfish. we feel what we feel. it’s like we feel hungry when we feel hungry. and so we feel fear when we are afraid. no shame in that.

    just my two cents worth — from some girl you don’t know.


  2. Solymar

    “It’s valid by the very nature that it exists.” I think you just coined a new favorite quote. You put words to what I’ve been thinking and feeling lately.
    Emotions, even when not entirely rational need to be respected; we feel what we feel, and like you said, its how we deal with them that matters.
    And I’d like to state for the record, you kick ass! =)

  3. scribe called steff

    Heh, thanks for the thoughts. I’m just getting shit off my chest. He and I have talked some, but I need to be more open about what I’m feeling, that’s my fault and not his. He’s always been very open to hearing anything I have to say, which I appreciate, but I’ve just felt like not adding to his burdens right now, and thought I’d be fine keeping some of it to myself. I was wrong both in thinking that and in doing that, so I took the not so direct approach of posting something here, and he, of course, reads all this, so. He knows what I’m feeling, understands, and we’re getting together this evening. Dirty s-e-x is probably more of a priority than talking right now for both of us. 😛

    It’s only selfish if you fail to recognize what others are enduring. It can be selfish if you fail to prioritize according to whose needs are greater. But it’s stupid to ignore feelings, that’s for damned sure, selfish or not.

    Tuli — Cool, glad you like that line. And I’m happy to kick ass. 😉

    We undervalue our needs and emotions far too much, and we often pay too high of a price for it. Sad, but true.


  4. Haaaaaaa

    I was going to make mhy usual wise-ass comment, but I don’t want to.

    Firt, sorry you were having a tough night. From reading you in this blog, you strike me a good, compassionate person. Your feelings are your feelings. You have a right to them on your own terms and they need not be put into perspective. Just feel. It’s good you’re expressing those feelings in a constructive way.

    If I were a betting man, I would lay a lot of money down that you’ll get through this fine.



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