The Unpredictability of the Wildcard

It’s a full moon tonight and I had a bit of a full moon today.
A face from the past came ’round. Leaves me with some heavy thinking to do. When the past comes back, it’s for one of two reasons. To either teach you not to go there. Or to prompt you to go there.
I know what’s going down, but that’s for me to know. Suffice to say, interesting times, interesting day.
Do I believe in fate? No. Do I believe in serendipity? Yes. Do I believe life sometimes shows up with a 10×20 billboard screaming “Go directly past go”? Yeah.
Given where I’m headed, my recent spate of dating and all, I need to decide what extent of a relationship I’m willing to go for. When considering limits and what you have in you, your assessment changes once you’ve gone from a cynical to a positive headspace. Reassessing can be good.
I’m ambivalent about relationships right now. I’m trying to figure out why. Mostly, I think, it’s that I’ve been doing really well on the improving-thyself path, and I’m nervous about what would happen if something good went south. I’m leery of the first test of my resilience.
Although, of course, I was terrified of getting injured, and while it’s still making my life difficult, I’ve overcome it. Maybe the pluses outweigh the risks. Maybe it’s just time to take that chance.
Sex, just sex, would be nice and simple. But that’s partly because I’m getting frustrated at my inability to find what I want. It’s a cop-out. Because, ultimately, I’m the world’s biggest pervy romantic, and I want it all. Let’s face it, though. I’m a matchmaking challenge. Most men bore the shit out of me.
But all that aside, because the matching isn’t an issue here. My trouble is, I find it really, really hard to find the time to be good to myself while working full-time, trying to rehab, and all the other drama I’m into, like writing for an audience at length on topics I’m barely even close to understanding myself sometimes.
I find my life really, really demanding. But I’m doing all right. I feel throwing a relationship into the mix is either gonna be the magic elixir that makes it all so much easier to swallow, or the extra drop that takes it from a bath to a drowning.
I’ll say this: Being cautious might be keeping me content and not overly stretched, but it sure as hell doesn’t bring a lot of pure joy. And what if this is the elixir?
Maybe I should take the chance that this time I get more because I deserve more. I don’t want to settle for less by playing things safe, even f it means dropping my guard a little sooner than I had wanted to.
But that’s life. If it was about when we were ready, change would probably be as in frequent as world peace. We’re humans. We’re not big on “ready”. Lord knows it’s not really my strong suit. After all, I bought that book Feel the Fear & Do It Anyway. Then I actually read it. I feel the fear. The doing it? Oh, shudder.
It’s springtime, though. That time of year I’m at my most optimistic and, dare I say it, my randiest. I’d be an idiot not to take a chance. Cautious hasn’t been working out well at all.
It’s interesting the questions one must pose after a full moon and a face from the past.
Strangely, it seems I’m welcoming the questions. An auspicious start, perhaps?

4 thoughts on “The Unpredictability of the Wildcard

  1. alana

    i’m kind of in the same shoes you are. i have been playing it safe for the last 6 mo with someone, that though we’re going in the same direction, are on different roads that will someday soon diverge. i have been playing it safe since i moved back to the ‘peg after my ex-bf, and though i have had some moments of pure joy, there hasn’t been anywhere NEAR enough. until i went on a date with someone last sat. i’m just afraid that my crazy schedule might scare him off…

  2. OldGravy

    I hope your story has a happy ending.
    Life’s weird, sometimes. Thing to do is to remember to be grateful for all of the accidents — positive and negative.

  3. Zoeyjane

    Have you heard that pseudo-fact that most babies are born in direct relation to when spring has cropped up? No? I think it’s bull, but it still makes sense. Spring equals newness and especially if every thing’s changed for you (which I’m gathering, from your alluded to self-improvements), it makes sense to want to seek out something else new.
    Plus, you know, humans get bored, when we’re not challenged and feeling peaceful.
    Zoeyjane’s last blog post..On What No One Wants Me to Feel

  4. emma

    OMG. I think you are in my head. Seriously. In particular, your comment about being content and not overstretched but not having very many moments of pure joy. The problem with that, for me at least, is that it can quickly devolve into no longer feeling content and being completely overwhelmed. Joy is a necessary element to balance out the unexpected challenges life throws our way. Without it, we can easily go flying, head first, over the seesaw when something heavy rains down.
    You deserve not to scrimp. You, we all, deserve a life overflowing with joy. Just wish I knew the magic formula for getting it.
    emma’s last blog post..Tibet

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