Fishies: Wake up and smell the pheromones

I’ve been on a masturbation writing tear, and I’ve got more to say about it, too, from a couple different points of view, and both will be a little tricky to say just exactly what I want to say, so I’m biding my time on those – but later this week, they’ll be up.
In the meantime, I apparently opened a can of worms when I posted the rant found below without having the add-on disclaimer at first. I agree, it might’ve been a little harsh for some of the men in my audience. I stand by what I say, though, because it applies to a good deal of men who are oblivious to appeasing their partners’ needs.
But what about the women, then? All right, to the women we go, then.
Everyone has heard the phrase, “She lies there like a dead fish.” This is where you got to realize that stereotypes and clichés exist for a reason. You can get all huffy and say, “That’s not polite!” but hey, the truth hurts.
If you’re lying there, and do nothing but a little groping and kissing, as your man does his thing, you have NO right to complain about lousy sex. You have no right to say he doesn’t know how to get you off. You have not one iota of justification to piss or moan – at all.
Sex is only good when both partners get involved, when both partners do what it takes to appease the other. If you’re one of the Dead Fish among the female population, then you’re doing a few things:

  • Making the rest of us have to make the stereotypes go away so that it’s known that sexy, vivacious women who like to get hot and heavy do in fact exist.
  • Making the rest of us feel like rock stars because we leave the men quaking in our wake, after they’ve been stuck with underwhelming partners before they happened on us.
  • Causing your sex life to be as unfulfilling as it is.
  • Denying yourself the knowledge of how bloody incredible it is to discover your inner vixen.

The interesting thing about both male and female lovers who are unfulfilling for their partners is they have two things in common: Ignorance* and laziness.
But it’s a lot more than that when it comes to the chicks. So many chicks have so many hang-ups. I’ve talked about it before, becoming that “vixen” I’ve mentioned means learning to accept that saucy behaviour in the bedroom doesn’t mean you’re some morally compromised individual – particularly if you’re behaving in that way while in a relationship.
Women get terrified, sometimes, of behaving “badly” in the name of feeling “good,” because they know their boyfriends/husbands/lovers feel that there are certain qualities in their women that they absolutely adore – how kind they are, all of that. A lot of women can’t come to terms with being that character-filled individual, and then being a sexually skilled “bad girl” in the bedroom. They don’t realize that it’ll usually enhance the relationship, not hurt it.
But seriously, girls, get the hell over yourselves. Don’t assume you know how your man’s gonna react. Show him the respect of letting HIM decide how he feels about such a notion.
The fact is, you’re having bad sex in part because you refuse to do your part of the job. If you spice it up, odds are damned good your man’s desire will up in quantities you couldn’t have imagined. Even in the boring old missionary position you can spice things up by wrapping your legs around his waist and clenching your vaginal muscles with every thrust and digging your nails in his buttcheeks or something. If you encourage him to take different positions, that’ll help, too. Here, go to this site and take a look at all the pretty pictures, and then promise yourself you’ll try a few. Oh, and if it makes you all tingly, don’t hesitate to touch yourself as you look’em over.
Every position changes the sensation. If you’ve never orgasmed, and you don’t masturbate, and you’ve never tried any of these positions, it’s no wonder you’re a lousy lover. Sex isn’t something that’s just instantly good when you add one genital to another. It takes skill, spontanaeity, a willingness to try new things, a dedication to educating yourself, it needs a level of fitness, specifically endurance, and a commitment to being open and honest with your lover.
And most of all, it needs a voice. You need to express your wants, your desires, and most importantly, your concerns and/or fears. If you’re not comfortable talking to your lover, nothing’s gonna ever reach a plateau for you. Conversations about sex can be as arousing as any kind of touch or tease you do. Sitting there on the couch with a lover and talking about all matters of sex – and not touching each other – can be a really arousing kind of foreplay. Then, you do everything you talked about, and it’ll be hotter than it’s been before, guaranteed. The conversation as foreplay was one of my earliest sexual lessons, and transformed me as a lover. And now, here I am.
Your first step is being comfortable touching your own body. Once you do that, you have to start taking chances with positions, props, whatever. But you got to come to play, baby.
Otherwise, you deserve the lack of orgasms, the lack of passion.
There ARE men who will not respond to a vixen, and don’t let anyone tell you different. There are men who are intimidated by a strong lover. They’re uninspired, they’re not confident, they’re not willing to do what it takes to appease you, and you will need to decide if an unfulfilling sex life is something you can live with. I’d vote no, but hey. When it comes to lovers like that, I like to remind folks that our actions speak volumes about our character. An unwillingness to really learn how to please your lover is indicative of hang-ups, pettiness, insecurities, whatever, but it’s indicative that something is off, and don’t forget it — after all, it’s indicating the same thing about you. You really want that?
It can be hard transitioning to a sex goddess, but hey, the view’s great from that lofty perch, baby.
I think everyone – EVERYONE – needs to read good books on how to perform sexually. Hey, worked for me. For the women out there, most decent sized cities have women-only bookstores. Check’em out. You’ll be surprised what you can learn just by visiting their sexuality sections. Sure, you can order books online, but it’s better to examine ‘em in real life. Better yet, ask a qualified clerk for help. I was very generous back when I worked in a bookstore, and just loved having a woman come back a month later to thank me. One brought me flowers, once.
The last word? There’s too damned many women who think that lying on their backs is all it takes to have sex. It’s selfish, it’s boring, it’s uninspiring, and it’s flat-out wrong. Sex, done right, is an incredible experience that is seldom surpassed in life. Don’t you want a ticket to ride?

*Ignorance is defined as:
The condition of being uneducated, unaware, or uninformed.

16 thoughts on “Fishies: Wake up and smell the pheromones

  1. figleaf

    Ooh, right on most counts! Ok, actually right on all counts with one qualification.

    First of all, yeah, the whole idea that men can get off with no effort from our partners is just… inadequate! I mean yeah, people will eat cardboard if they’re starving too but that doesn’t mean we’d like that either.

    Second of all, though, there’s a basis to the fear that if you’re too much the vixen men can get a little wary about their long-term prospects. The answer, of course, isn’t to be less vixen-y. The answer is to rant in a similar vein at gentlemen who don’t get it. They too make it difficult for those of us who feel confident around confident partners and activated by active partners.

    Great post, Steff. Thanks!


  2. scribe called steff

    “First of all, yeah, the whole idea that men can get off with no effort from our partners is just… inadequate! I mean yeah, people will eat cardboard if they’re starving too but that doesn’t mean we’d like that either.”

    I’m not saying that they can/should/do get off with no effort — I’m saying they don’t know any better, either. In fact, not even that. I think they’re taking what they can get, since it’s better than masturbating, in a way. (And in a way, no, because there’s got to be something pretty disheartening about the experience with a Fish — something you don’t need to worry about if you’re just hanging with yer hand.)

    Oh, now I have to write another rant? (insert dramatic groan) WHEN WILL IT EVER END? (snicker) That’s a good rant topic, actually, and I’m the perfect candidate to do so — a girl who you can take home to Mom — most of the time.

  3. boo

    You know… i never realised… how important it is to move and moan… and enjoy yourself while… being under a man… until i fucked a guy… who did all that… just like i do… and seeing it from the other side… i now understand… why men think i am good in bed… it was an amazing realisation…

    I think every woman and man… could benefit… if they swapped roles… i definately gained more respect… for men… cos boy did my back hurt after!….

  4. figleaf

    Hey, but your rants are great.

    I think men might be reluctant to pipe in here because we’re pretty conditioned to believe we’re lucky that anyone’s willing to have sex with us at all (the flip side of the fish equation) and any kind of rocking the boat is just going to make it harder for us. Add to that 10,000 other cultural norms like a (not-universally-shared) tendency to kind of like women who play hard to get (the flip-side of women who think they can just show up or who expect to be swept off their feet) and… a bunch of other things including not wanting to sound mysogynistic and we just clam up.

    Ok, so I’ll take the plunge: It’s no fun if you imagine all you have to do is show up.

    If you really *don’t* want to have sex with us, please say so. Nothing’s more humiliating than finding out after the fact.

    If we’re just doing a terrible job, moving too fast, not doing something right, coming too soon, using too much aftershave or not enough shaving, and you’re just not enjoying us, please talk to us about it.

    If you just really enjoy submerging and soaking in the kinky or vanilla form of subspace where you’re not so much passive as utterly introspective and receptive that’s ok too (lots of people, men and women, do) but it’s really nice if you’ll let us know.

    If you’re holding back because you don’t want to startle us or because you think we’ll think you’re some kind of tramp, well, talk to us about that too.

    On the flip side, don’t think the opposite of fish is porn-star tongue wagging, gasping, and “come on my tits, baybeee.” It’s fine to be that way if you mean it, but don’t feel you have to put on a show either. There’s marvelous middle ground, and chances are your partner’s going to be as curious and excited about exploring them as you are. So talk to us.

    I guess the common theme, which I’m sure Steff will endorse, is once again communication.

    Any other suggestions? I get nervous when I break the ice and when I’m nervous I usually neglect the obvious.

    Thanks Steff,


  5. FTN

    Of course, this really doesn’t take into account the women (many of them married) who do not have much, or any, sexual desire. It might be not so much laziness or uncertainty or a fear of being bad, but rather, just a lack of sexual desire at all – and I don’t mean just for the man they may be paired with. These women might love their husbands, but they also may not feel any need or desire to “spice things up.” That probably means nothing oral, and nothing out of her comfort zone.

    And obviously, these women don’t have any desire to masturbate either. Conversations about sex usually consist of a multitude of questions from husbands, and “I-don’t-know” answers.

    Just thought I’d throw that into the mix. I think the more sexual the woman, the more that woman will desire to please both the man and herself.

  6. Anonymous

    Hey Steff,

    my ex-gf pointed me to your blog, she’s reads here regularly.

    I have often not been able to get “it” up in bed, because I was afraid I’d do something she wouldn’t like – most of those girls wouldn’t do much except lying there with their legs spread.

    As soon as my now-ex took my hand and moved it between her legs, everything worked perfectly.

    Steff, you should find new ways to promote your blog, I’m unsure whether those who really need to read these things know about it.

    Anyways, nice blog. Keep up the good work.


  7. Laura

    I like your post Steff. It is important to remember that women should be a part of it too, not just lie there.

    I think one of the reasons women are afraid of being active is that they don’t want to be “porn stars” or/and don’t love themselves. It’s easy enough to say “enjoy yourselves, be a part of it and leave yoyur hang-ups behind”, but I wouldn’t know how to do that. Maybe a few words on that?

    Your post inspired me to become more active, so has much you’ve said lately, too bad I don’t have anyone to practice on atm…

  8. scribe called steff



    Sorry for the caps, but I figure that’ll get it noticed and read. You know I’m normally more considerate. Caps is ugly, yo.

    I’ll respond to all the comments later tonight. Blogger’s got a planned shut down in 10 minutes, and I got more than that to say. 😉

  9. -h.

    Steff, you’re 100% right. I’ve been with men that call me a total rock star because I’m not a “limp fish”. But one man, just one, has intimidated me in bed. Why? Because he’s better than I am.

    I think that performance anxiety can go both ways.

    PS … what about MySpace?

  10. Phaedrous

    Well, guys and gals, all I can say is ANY sex is better than NO sex, which is where I find myself now.

    I wonder if this is how the pope feels?


  11. Professor Fate

    I have never been a good at moving ideas from reading to action (at anything). There is something to be said for “on the job” training.

    I had a very wonderful summer when I was 16. Two older girls (Hell, I was 16, 20 year olds are women) decided to use me (they shared very well, so I was never involved in a threesome). Each was different and liked different things. I learned actions and sounds that meant “that is good” and those for “that isn’t good”. As I have collect experiential data through the years it has all been built upon that foundation (neither took my virginity – which is probably a good thing).

    “Dead fish” are uneducated and prone to faking enjoyment (much to their determent). The better fakers actually seem to be “too easily” turned on.

    And aural feedback is a very good thing.

  12. AlwaysArousedGirl

    Yeah, I think I get seen as a “rock star” just because I move and initiate and have fun.

    But it feels great! I love it! Why wouldn’t I get into it?

    You know, I have had a partner who was the male version of a cold fish. It was horrible. Really really horrible.

    I felt like I was assaulting him…no fun at all.

    Thanks for bringing this up, Steff.

  13. April

    All I can say is THANK YOU!

    I’ve just found your blog…but thank you for standing up for all us women that really try to please our lovers.

    As for the men that won’t respond to a vixen…that’s a comment for another time.

  14. scribe called steff

    Boo — I’m not sure if a lot of women are hesitant to get on top of a guy and grind away at ’em, but doing that well can leave a guy gasping. My cycling gives me nice, strong legs and usually a strong lower back. Pretty damned useful in that scenario.

    Fig — AWESOME comment, as I said in email to you. I’m gonna do something on how to straddle the middle ground between Fish and Porn Star. How to be a ROCK star! 🙂 An intro to becoming a vixen for those who don’t know where to start. See if I can scratch the recesses of my brain to remember how I did that. Ha.

    No, awesome comment. Quite.

    FTN — Funnily, I’ve been dealing with a lack of sexual desire lately. Not really even all that interested in masturbating. I think it’s the birth control pills I’m taking — they’re numbing me emotionally/physically a little, it’s very odd. I wonder how many women deal with this. Estrogen can really screw up sexual desire, and that’s a hard thing to shake up. I think it’s easy, as a woman to fall into compacency sexually, and the boredom can negate any desire from arising. It’s a struggle, and I’m not sure what to suggest right now.

    Anonymouse — Yeah, well, I could see how you’d have little desire to get hard in that scenario. It’s ridiculous. I don’t know how we can shake up the mix and get more people realizing what a gift sex is. Hmm.

    Laura — Yep, I have some ideas for opening moves. I’ll be writing on that in the next couple weeks — BEFORE VALENTINE’s Day, so chicks can surprise their lovers.

    -H — I’ll check myspace out. There’s nothing wrong with getting the chance to learn something new from a lover, though. Being intimidated can make you demure, and that can be pretty hot, too. 🙂

    Phaedrous — Although I have no sexual desire right now, if the opportunity arose (pun fully intended), I’d jump on him. Absolutely. I’m sure I could stoke my fire if the moment came up, but not having any desire makes going without it a little easier.

    Forgive me, but raised Catholic: I think how/what the pope feels usually involves little boys.

    Fate — Aural feedback’s something I plan to write on soon, too.

    Aroused — Dead fish are depressing. Sigh. Rock stars rock. 🙂

    April — Yet another topic I have to write on. Sigh, I’m gonna make a list on a post-it and stick it on my wall. Yeesh. Yes, a rant against men who can’t handle sexual prowess is coming up.

  15. figleaf

    The clue that’s wandering through my head right now is… the goal isn’t to be a fish or rock star or necessarily even a vixen, which I think of as examples of extraordinary. Instead the goal should be to be in bed as you are at a party with friends, as you were as a kid at the playground with your bestest ever friend, as you are preparing dinner together, as you are when you’re scratching each other’s backs or fixing each other chicken (tofutti?) soup when the other is sick, as you get when you’re planning, getting ready for, leaving for, and arriving at a vacation spot you both adore. In other words, to stop behaving as if you were a) in church or b) in a rock video and definitely not c) trying to dazzle or dampen your partner by being someone you’re not and start d) trying to be the courteous, curious, lively, attractive people you are everywhere else (except maybe work.)

    Of course if we do that, as several people have remarked, then we may come across like rock stars, or vixens, or studs but then it’ll just be us doing what comes naturally. 🙂

    Thanks, Steff!


  16. scribe called steff

    Fig, I sort of agree, and I sort of don’t.

    Sex should have an element of the fastastical about it. If we can play as something in a different class from our normal selves, we can break away from the drudgery that is the everyday life.

    Life can be pretty sedate at times, and we get a lot of repetition. We can get tired of our partners in little ways, and breaking it up with a round of playfulness, where you’re a little more aggressive, sexual, and flirtatious than normality, that can really be sort of a mini-vacation away from yourselves. It’s good for the soul, not just the libido.

    You want the intimacy and closeness, too, for sure. You don’t need to be all bad-to-the-bone — it can be just mildly more intense than normal — more biting, more sucking, more groping. Just more active. It doesn’t have to cross any stereotype lines, but it should certainly be elevated from the demeanour of visiting a video store. Most people have facades in real life, too, and bed is where we should strip naked in every sense, and that should naturally bring about some kind of change in persona, too, I suspect.

    Know what I mean?


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