RANT: On the Rag with The Goddesses

Okay, I’m into the whole love-yoself-sistah feminist self-worship thing and all that, to an extent.
This sort of thing blows my mind. Personally, if I was 12 or 13, and I had a granola-chomping mother who was foisting this “love your period, love your womanhood” crap down my throat, I’d spontaneously combust.
I hate when people take something that’s really inconvenient and annoying and try to exalt some greatness into it. Sure, having a period is a reminder that we’re female and a conscious realization of our ability to create and bear life. Nice, fabulous, wonderful. Will that get the stains out of my bedsheets, too, or is that just a lovely little inconcrete and essentially useless euphemistic piece of bullshit?
Oh, I say it’s the latter. These people are right up there with the fucking naive twits who think a bird shitting on you means good luck. People will tell themselves anything if it means pocketing the cash for another therapy session.
Fuck, man. All I need to remind me that I am woman, ergo I fucking rock, are my tits. That I have a twat is just bonus, okay? My whole fucking body tells me I am woman, ergo I roar. I don’t need to pull a South Park, bleed for seven days, and miraculously stump the odds by living just to know that I’ve got the DNA freebie strand, okay? My period is the bane of my existence. I fucking hate it. I wish I never had to bleed again. I’m presently in the middle of trying to suppress my period for three months at a time, but the three months has been split into six weeks thanks to an unwanted period this week.
Now, a bloody tangent. So, I’m, you know, there on my throne, unwrapping the first of a new pack of pads, and the Always “Wings” adhesive cover tab has “Have a happy period” written all across the fucking thing.
Happy? You want me to be happy about cramps, bloating, irritability, alcohol sensitivity, and the constant risk of staining undergarments, clothing, and sheets for the better part of a week? Yeah, sure, okay, and while we’re at it, you want me to be thrilled about losing my paycheck, crashing my car, and finding my husband in bed with his secretary? Fuck right off.
Goddamned marketers.
But back to the initial topic: I’d like to send a big fuck you out to all the women who try to make me feel guilty about the fact that I think having menses is the absolutely worst part about being female. It doesn’t mean I hate my femininity, it means I hate mood swings and pain and messes and feeling unclean. How is that wrong? Fucking sanctimonious crap is what that is. Get off your high horse and join the rest of us on this little plane we like to call “Reality.”

14 thoughts on “RANT: On the Rag with The Goddesses

  1. LatLong1981

    A “ceremony to welcome her to womanhood”? Fuck me in the goat ass man.

    While I hope to give my daughter a little more than the “birds and bees” book that my parents shoved under my bedroom door at 12 (a bit late), I sure as hell aint buying a “kit” complete with ceremonial cloth, music cassette and candles.

    Are they for frikkin real?

    Hell I’ve got a gift for her: a bottle of advil and a gift certificate to her favorite store/resturant/movie whatever she’s into by then (she’s only 2)

  2. myself

    I’m on the same page about the period thing, god bless Depo-Provera and the miraculous, wonderful, incredible lack of period….I’d have my uterus removed next week if I could find a Dr who would do it!

    Screw the miraculous part about it. What? I really NEED to be bitchier than usual right before the red tide??? Don’t think so….I’m just bitchy enough thanks!

  3. Beth

    Here, here, darlin’. I’ve always wondered why science can’t come up with a way to suspend our periods until we decide to have kids, then – flip! – turn on the works so we can have a baby then – flip! – turn it all off until we’re ready for the next one.

    Is it a Tampax conspiracy to suck money out of our wallets every month?

    And the mood swings. Shit. Sometimes I forget that PMS is to blame and I wonder what’s wrong with myself. But then I remember the date on the calendar and it all makes sense.

    When I was in grade school, all the girls received boxes with “feminine products,” like a starter kit. (Pads were supposed to be worn with one of those belt contraptions. Thankfully, by the time my time arrived, the adhesive kind had made their way to market.) I admit to being eager to use them. I couldn’t wait to get my period.

    Stupid, stupid girl!

  4. monicker

    Oh, my God, when I was a girl, all I wanted were the boobs. Fuck the period, I just wanted to fill a bra. When my period eventually came, a stormy cloud settled over my head (damn this whole bloody mess!).

  5. scribe called steff

    LOL. I *am* taking time for myself. I LOVE RANTING. I don’t do it enough. It’s a sign I’m returning to my normal self.

    Don’t fret, little reader. I actually enjoyed writing that and had a pretty good laugh at the end. Don’t take it so seriously.

    I don’t.

  6. j

    I don’t want a celebration. I just want it done.

    I’ve only wanted the period twice: initially when I was almost 16 and still didn’t have it(because all the teen mag’s told me I needed to go to the Dr.s if I did not have it at 16 and who wanted that sort of torture at that age) and the other time was after doing some fooling around of the not so dry sort.

    Waiting for the pause now đŸ™‚

  7. latlong1981

    poontangulations to the poontang nations.

    There I said it. I’d copyright it if i could. It’s all yours people.

    I tickled the ivory, I strummed six, I had a few, I danced alone, I drove home, I’m going to bed. good night and god bless. Steff…

  8. me


    My current pack of pantyliners comes individually-wrapped. Not in regular I-don’t-give-a-damn pastel, but FLUORESCENT LIME GREEN.

    I’m sure I could face “Have a happy period”. If they were the only brand out there that didn’t itch.

    – me.

  9. latlong1981

    Ok, way too drunk when writing my last comment. Thats what happens when I let my band mates talk me into going out “for a few” after rehearsal. Sorry to get off topic.

  10. Anonymous


    At the folk fest this weekend, I passed by a vendor who was selling reusable menstrual pads. They came with two parts: The brightly coloured holster/holder thingummy, and the matching brightly coloured pad. Some were striped, some had stars, some had hearts, some had cute little moose. The red one with the cows on it (red…heh) was the best, apparently. At least so I was told by the 13 year old boy who was sitting with the vendor and upselling like nobody’s business. Oh, and they came in overnight and pantyliner styles too, he told me. What a well informed young man I thought as I smiled and walked on by. Yeah. No thanks. Sorry Mama Earth, don’t mind me as I continue to flush cotton a little while longer.

    rain rain go away.
    In the US, Seasonale is a 4 cycle a year OC, and I’m sure something like that will come to canada soon. You can back to back like you mentioned with regular pills. Depo Provera takes em away altogether after about a year or so of use. The Mirena IUD minimizes the period significantly…more and more options for those of you that wanna stop bleeding.

    not half bad, not half good.
    I happen to like my period. In fact, I made an effort to get it back. I like being a bitch once a month. I like crying for no reason when a Long Distance Ad comes on the telly. I like the flood of emotion and craziness. I like that when I’m feeling out of it and dumb and lethargic that it’s potentially my cycle and no, I’m not just lame. I like that if I’m ever gonna have babies, that monthly action down there is gonna be my friend in fecundity. Yeah. Ok…I don’t like the cramps. The cramps can fuck off, but the rest of it is ok. I mean, I don’t celebrate or make cunt-stamp drawings or nothing like that, but overall I’m glad I have em back.

  11. Ms Naughty

    Yep, I’m with you there too. I hate my period. I’m not going to have kids, so it’s just a hassle.

    I’ve been on the pill for 17 years. I go six weeks at a time (2 packets) but it gets painful and leaky if I do more.

    I use the silicone Diva cup instead of pads or tampons. Only have to change it once every 24 hours (it’s supposed to be 12hrs, but I leave it a day with no probs), no leaks, nothing. Kind of messy but it’s cheaper and environmentally friendly.

    Even so, if there was a way to just not have periods (without surgery), I would be using it.

  12. eccentrica

    Totally agree with you. I hate, hate, hate having periods. I can cope with the mess and the expense and everything, but the pain is unbearable. I’ve been on and off the Pill for years, but I keep getting high blood pressure and having to come off it. There are lots of fantastic things about being female but menstruation is not one of them.

  13. SecretDesiresofaDarkLady

    I just found your blog today and this post I have to say i !))% agree with you. So what we are women, it’s fucked up that we have to put up with that EVERY single month and than when we do finally get to gid rid of it, it wont leave peacefully!

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