Sex. It’s been a while. Honestly? It’s been two years.
As I’ve written about at length, I went on anti-depressants the summer of ’06, after birth control pills messed my body up something fierce, at the tail end of a relationship that turned to shit in record time, while getting laid off of multiple jobs in a short period with no EI remaining. Oh, good times.
The meds were a necessary evil and I knew I needed ’em to get my body sorted out along with my life — both of which I’ve been accomplishing somethin’ fab. Since the new year I’ve been gradually decreasing the dose (with my doc’s guidance of course) and I’ve been off now entirely for 10 days.
Holy shit do I notice a difference. All of a sudden, like a wild fire in August, my libido’s back and raging. Like, oh, my god, is it back. ZING!
Must. Have. Sex. Orgasm! Now! YOU, SATISFY ME! Rowrr!
So, naturally, I posted myself a Craigslist ad. I posted two, one in the relationships section, and then the other in the casual encounters section, and now I don’t care about the LTR responses because I know I don’t want the complications of something serious yet. My casual encounters ad wasn’t entirely common, though. It began:
“Are you tired of stupid people? Are you tired of having to choose between routine sex and freaky sex, and nothing in between? Does the prospect of casual sex both appeal to you and frighten you? I mean, honestly, there are some skanky people out there. Some of these players have been around more than a 1966 RCA turntable, you get what I’m saying?…”
The responses have largely been of your “I’m a dedicated pussylickr!” type with pictures of penises and hairy bellies. [Delete] Or the most unappealing thong shot I’ve ever, ever seen. From front and back? That was really necessary? [Delete] Or riddled with spelling errors and the bad kind of non-sequiturs with nothing appealing. [Delete] Or obvious form letters that did nothing to address my 750 words. [Delete] Or very much older men with bad teeth and dirty leering looks and an almost palpable air of desperation. [Delete] Or cute guys with not much else to offer, the kind I’d always be smarter than. [Delete]
But there’s a bit of promise to be found. No, really. Like a crack of light at the bottom of a coal mine’s shaft: Surprising. Hopefully a good date looms in the next few days. And sex soon thereafter. Because that’s the whole point, no?
It’s funny, for someone who loves sex as much as I do, who loves the intimacy and the power exchange and the fun and games and orgasms abounding, I can do very, very nicely without sex for extended periods. Like, really extended periods. I think I have an inner-androgynous side that comes out when life’s complicated and the last thing I need are the mindfucks that come with sex. Really. If it’s all about the orgasms, I give myself awesome ones. (Intimacy, however, is a big thing I miss — but I didn’t miss it enough to deal with the sex-with-no-libido conundrum, or the headgames that always invariably seem to come with.)
And abstaining is so much simpler when you have anti-depressants in your system. Anyone who tells you they don’t affect sex drives is a FUCKING MORON. Anyone who tells you that, even if your libido’s still present, that your sexual response system is working properly DOESN’T KNOW JACK. They’re living in the fuckin’ 1950s, man. It messes you up.
Women, on anti-depressants, not only tend to suffer from lack of libido, but when they ARE aroused, often won’t be able to orgasm at all, or will have very, very unsatisfying orgasms when they do. (Sometimes you need that necessary evil in your life, and now there’s evidence Cialis and Viagra hold great benefit to women suffering libido issues, particularly in conjunction with mind meds.)
I figured, what’s the fucking point? I could barely orgasm, I didn’t even want the sex. Nothing interested me.
I mean, I’d rather not have sex if I can’t have it Steff-style, you know what I’m saying? Rule Number One: No sex is better than bad sex. I want good sex. *I* am capable of good sex. If it’s bad sex, it’s not my fault. Heh.
I want me a nice juicy orgasm and a good spent body. I want to want it, I want to fully enjoy it, and when I’m done, I wanna want more — and GET more. But I want a partner who’s not dumber than a doorbell and can still play well (and get dirty). Is that so wrong?
But I can’t believe it’s been two years. Not that I haven’t tried at all — I’ve met men. An endless parade of Very Bad Choices kind of men, and whatever else I may have taken leave of these last two years, my standards ain’t been among ’em. So, thanks, but no thanks.
Maybe that’s changing. Maybe orgasms loom. Maybe one day soon I’ll get that “Who needs vacations?” stay-at-home-but-get-away lock-the-doors-and-fuck-for-three-days mini-vacation that I just love so much. Wouldn’t that be fun? Nothing like a stack of DVDs and a bottle of lube.
It’s always kind of like the Olympics of sex when you have the lock-the-doors kinda weekend. Or has been behind my door, at least.
For now, that’s just a dirty thought in my mind, and another posting for another time.
I am going on one of “those” vacations next week. Your orgasmic chatter has me going crazy!
I have to admit that I’ve been reading you for over a year now, and like you being single, I’ve seen you on the same websites as well. But, (there is a but) you are so full of yourself, that I seriously think you need a good poke in the eye.
Before I get into that whole thing, I want to offer congrats on your weight loss. I think that’s great! Keep going – I mean that. its fantastic that you’ve lost 30 or so pounds just doing what you’re doing. Keep it up.
Your writing though? Makes my teeth hurt. Let me rephrase: you ARE a good writer. You string words and sentances together well, and know your way around your punctuation. It’s the content that I have an issue with.
The constant swearing like a trucker puffed up will all sorts of “I’m an interior designer” / “I’m a sex columnist” / “I have a opinion about the US Presidential election” / “My web traffic is low, so I’d better write about sex” / “Gayboy loves my cooking”
… whatever. You are overweight, single, overbearing, and quite frankly if you didn’t mention the word sex in your site, I’d be surprised you had a quarter of the traffic that you so proudly boast to have.
Personally, I admire you for putting it all out there. The weight loss is something you should be very proud of. I totally salute you, and I hope you drop down to the size of Kate Moss, if that’s what you’re looking for. A healthy mind begets a healthy body, and I know from reading you that you’ve had your challenges over the years.
I think though, that you should give some thought to reigning in your towering overcompensation of the so-called “writer chick” persona, and the personals that you post. You’re smart and clever and have some good stories- but so do a lot of other people. A bit of humility, plus less over – compensation, and a dash of not believing your own press would go a long way.
This wasn’t supposed to be an attack ad – quite the contrary – I read you all the time, and plus, I see you well worded missives on CL and POL, and LL all the time, but I can only wonder what it would be like to actually be around you. Maybe you are over juxtaposing (?).
Maybe you are over compensating by hiding behind a computer yet putting yourself out there… maybe you just have a vastly inflated perception of yourself… I don’t know. Truth is, I don’t want to find out either.
Are you like this in real life? Do you have any actual friends? Your friends aren’t mentioned very much, yet we are supposed to be interested in this amazing life and opinions of yours. It doesn’t wash.
Anyway,. sorry for the vitriol, it wasn’t supposed to be this way but I have to say that for someone who obviously is trying so hard to be intelligent, attractive, slim down, and overly wordy and be the tough, brainy alpha female of the web in hopes that some guy would take notice of you?
That’s the problem right there. If I ever ran into you at a party – I’d quickly make my excuses and leave.
Welcome back, S, welcome back!
To the armchair shrink anonymous:
Who the hell do you think you are? I think I know who you are, actually.
But you want to come into MY house and tell ME just what my legion flaws are, and how I’m just some hoax or something?
Fuck right off.
Why do you never hear about my friends? I’ve lived hand-to-mouth broke off my fucking ass for three goddamned years — my finances are turning around, but I have priorities. A MOVIE is too much for me. How the fuck can I afford a life when NONE of my friends entertains?
As for the rest of your shit, I write with a persona. Look it up. People use personas for writing. I’m much more than this blog, and also much more casual and engaging in real life. Tip: Casual and engaging only works some of the time in writing — the rest of the time you need a little bite.
You’re reading a motherfucking blog, pal. How can it possibly be representative of me? And you want to use my profiles as evidence against me? What? Fuck off.
Get real. Fucking wake up — some people LIKE the solitary life. For me, it’s perfect right now. When I want a life again, that’s easily done… with a little money in my pocket.
But, no, in your myopic little view of my world, you can’t possibly see my reality with this wholly one-dimensional perspective getting in your way. God.
Some people are so fucking self-righteous. That’s the irony of your motherfucking comment. Don’t kid yourself, pal. I KNOW that I’m self-righteous; you don’t know you are. That’s a problem. And the problem’s yours.
But, gee, I’m glad you like the way I arrange words. Swell of you, really.
My apologies for being obtuse, but I’m not sure I understand what point Anonymous was trying to make. I mean, is he/she suggesting that one is entitled to self-confidence only when one is thin — or paired? Would he/she find Steff’s confidence more acceptable if she looked or lived differently? That seems very odd, indeed.
And why would he/she be surprised to find discussion of sex on a blog called “SMUT and Steff”?
Thanks for asking, Griffin. Check out my recent post inspired by your comment. 🙂