Beyond Fat Girls

Labbie wrote a piece about weight and self-image recently. I enjoyed it. Then, later the same morning, I was watching my previously-taped episode of “Rescue Me” in which firefighters, Probie Mike and Sean, are making their way up the stairs to the flame-filled fifth floor, talking about a recent date, which ended in the Probie getting laid with this apparently model-thin chick.
“It was like her hips were cutting into me,” he said, continuing, “I’m afraid to get on top of her. It’s like I hear this cracking sound or something.”
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I’m part of the bonus-lover plan. Yeah, I’m carrying extra, for sure. I’m told “I wear it well” and for the first time, I believe them, most of the time. But I do know I’m cute, at the very least. I’ve got punky short light hair and green eyes with a sly grin, and I’m pretty comfortable with myself when I put an effort into lookin’ like a cutie. And hey, I even get a little approval streetside.
I’ve written before about overcoming insecurities in order to love yourself for who you are. It’s been a long road for me. I was always very sexual, but I never really believed it about myself until the past three or so years. This year, though, has been the year of the my greatest emergence. I am what I am now, and I know it. The journey has been a long and interesting one, the journey of becoming sexual, not just seeming sexual. It’s fabulous.
My weight always held me back. I always tried to say the right things. I always tried to toe the line and be the proper chick, so I wouldn’t offend too many people. I played it safe. One day, I realized that I felt like a fake, and I started saying exactly what was on my mind. I stopped appeasing everyone. I slowly started to work on my self-image. Simple things, like trying a new kind of clothing, pushing myself in physical exercise, losing a little of the weight, talking to someone seemingly out of my league. There are days I forget how to be the Better Steff, days I forget about being the strong, proud, sassy chick I know I am. It happens. But it always passes, too. I suspect, however, that there’s something universal about that.
The biggest part of my transformation came from finally accepting myself for what I am, but more importantly, realizing that my faults and weaknesses weren’t nearly as sizeable as I had feared. I learned to look at myself as someone on the street might; if I met that woman, how would I judge her? Not nearly so harshly, I thought.
In finally being open enough to talk about my body image with the guys I have seen or considered in that way, I realized that the men I’d found seemed to nurture a very different impression about weight on a woman. They felt exactly as Mike the Probie would — that a woman with a few extra pounds was someone you could play a little more roughly with, someone you didn’t have to worry about harming if things might escalate a bit between you.
Soon, I realized something great: The thing that I always thought held me back in the bedroom was the thing bringing me exactly the kind of physicality I enjoyed — sometimes rough, always unrestrained.
It’s interesting how perspective can alter your enjoyment of something, but there’s an incredible shift that occurs when you really begin to embrace yourself in your lover’s presence.
I think this is part of the dilemma that lays behind the number one complaint I hear from women — their inability to orgasm at all, or the difficulties faced when eventually achieving one. We’re so wrapped up in our body images, trapped in our insecurities, concerned with public perception, and inundated with the pressure to come, that we just can’t enjoy sex. It takes years for women to get past this shit, and I personally believe that it’s why we do not peak sexually until the average age of 32.
I happen to now be 32. If any of my friends had known the kind of sex I was already having in my early 20s, their perception of me would have been wildly different. In that regard, I was definitely advanced for my age.
I began having bondage with sex at the relatively young age of 19. I had sex in very, very public places the first time at the age of 18. By the age of 21, I had no qualms having sex in a semi-public private room where anyone could walk in without warning (but I’m secretly glad they never did). Voyeurism, for me, was a two-way street, and I liked to travel on it. All that said, though, and I still never really embraced my sexuality until this year, my 32nd.
Sex, for me now, is better than it has ever been — and not because of my lovers, but because of the roles I’m willing to play, the brazenness I bring to the bedroom, because of my changed perspective. My god, had I even begun to suspect it would be like this, I’d have ditched those insecurities years ago.
The rewards of youth aren’t nearly as great as we’ve all been led to believe. Sex improves with age, despite the hundreds of millions of dollars the pharmaceutical industry spends to make you believe otherwise. Sex isn’t just about hard cocks and screaming orgasms. It’s the one language that transcends geography. It’s an otherworldy experience you can share where you need nothing but skin and sweat and stamina. We’re so hung up on needing to be hard, needing to come, that we’ve forgotten everything that happens in between — the places in which our mouths can linger and toy; the dexterity and flexibility of the hand; the thrill of warm, sweaty skin against our own; the scores of peaks and valleys found in that symphony of gasps and moans.
With age and maturity and realism, we’re able to begin letting go of those hang-ups. When we allow ourselves the freedom of being beautiful to that one person, we find ourselves experiencing things we never thought we’d feel. And that, that’s the ultimate goal to have in any sexual relationship: the absolute ability to lose all apprehensions and fear, the evolution of trust and willingness.
If only it were that easy. It’s hard. Very. But the reward is worth the struggle. Oh, so very.

20 thoughts on “Beyond Fat Girls

  1. virgin

    As I read the first half of that, I felt every word you wrote. It was all how I feel. I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life, believing that nobody could possibly ever want me the way I am.

    But then you lost me in the second half — not because I don’t understand or don’t know, but because I’m not there yet. With any luck I will be someday, but it ain’t going to be this week.

  2. Knattyb

    Congrats Steff

    Comfort within ones own skin is not as commonplace as it should be. Also, although I can only speak fo myself, I believe it to be well understood that confidence is the biggest turn on.

    Lastly, I’d just like to say I’m glad you up and writing again. I hope all’s well, and stays that way.

  3. liberated coed

    I’ve always been a fan of the girls who aren’t “model-thin” and don’t care – and by fan I mean I would love to tap that but I’m not quite comfortable with my (bi)sexuality yet.

    In a similar vein, I had a very image-concious bf a while back. He was a lifter and fretted about his abs constantly – hot body, but it got old. And sometimes it made me angry. I’m not just settling for you! I actually *want* you! …et cetera.

    Anyway, I just talked to him and apparently he’s gained a few. I’m way too interested in how he’ll look naked for an ex. Heh, we’ll see…

    – coed

  4. Rachel - Wicked Ink

    I turned 33 today and my sexuality grew in the past year – but I would hope it didn’t peak. I am not ready for the descent.

    It keeps getting better Steff, it really really does.

  5. Regular

    I’ve had my hang-up’s because of weight – when I started having sex on a regular basis, it didn’t matter and I lost it-the pounds, I mean. Now my hang-up’s are about my height, the lack of hair and the f* size of my d*! All those were born from lousy comments made by my SO. The thing here is the quest for validation, it will not be found in others but deep within.

  6. Anonymous

    This shit is as lame as it is tame. I can tell you some sexy tales that would make Debbie Does Dallas read like a fairy tale.
    I’ve been a lifelong Ho, one who has no self esteem, nor an idea what I want in life other then to feel a man’s slong pulsating
    in my mouth. Now I have schooled my chubby slut daughter in the fine art of being a Ho and she has surpassed me in most
    every way. We take on all cummers and all they need do is give either of us a complement and anything they want we do with
    smiles on our faces and cum in our mouths. If you want to see us in action have your complements ready and know how to talk
    dirty if you want us to do the dirty things we do. 🙂 [email protected]

  7. Anonymous

    Okay, then.

    I was going to say that self-confidence is the sexiest attribute of all. But somehow after that last comment…

  8. LolaGetz

    Confindence and intelligence…by far the two sexiest attributes ever.

    Razor sharp collar bones? Nah.
    Ripped abs? uh uh

    Give me a wicked sharp smile and a ripped sense of humour…we’ll talk!

  9. scribe called steff

    Luci — There ya go.

    Anon — Snicker.

    “MIss Bobbi” — I have a hard time believing you’re not some spam-inducing robot, but if you’re some real chick and this is what you dig, then you know what? Whatever gets you off, hon. Personally, the whole schooled-my-chubby-slut-daughter thing gives me visions of white-trash porn-hell, but y’know, it’s a big world. Happy cumshots to you. I hope your email fills with unspeakable acts that give you dirty-girl shivers, then.

    Regular — Yeah, the more you judge yourself, the more others pick up on it, and that’s the problem. Dealing with that shit internally in positive ways takes you to new places, simply said.

    Rachel — I ain’t descending anytime soon. Come too far to let it go down now. 🙂

    Coed — Send him my way. I like men with a little lovehandle thign goin’ on.

    Knatty — I can’t afford therapy, so this writing thing fills the void. 😉

    Virgin — Yeah, well, the time is night for you, I’m sure. 🙂

    Jazzy — Happy? In a word? Not really. Getting content, and content is good. You’re YOUNG. You’ll get there. You have seven years to practice and ditch hangups before your sexual peak. How fun. Years of practice!

    (My word verification is “atbum”. Hmm.)

  10. scribe called steff

    Tee hee! SMOOCHES.

    Yeah, I hope I got some years left with this peak thing. I could use a little primo action for a spell. Whee!

    Nice photo!

  11. AlwaysArousedGirl

    I’m 36 too and it’s still climbing. The more my sex drive rises, the better I feel about my not-nearly-perfect body.


  12. thatlydiagirl

    Wow, profound. I myself am a pretty big chick, probably somewhere in between where you describe yourself and the woman in the picture. I am a little curious as to why you felt you had to so quickly let us know that you weren’t as big as her? Would that be bad? I mean, i find her hot as hell, myself. As a bi woman, i rarely am attracted to very thin women. In fact almost never. Mostly women on the spectrum of chubby to sometimes ‘fat’ (hate that word, but there it is). I agree – i cannot imagine being in bed with a stick. Plus, fat feels good in the dark (-;. I’ve never let being a size 16 stop me from enjoying the hell out of my partner, or worried about what my body looks like when i’m doing it.

  13. Bob

    Just browsing some of you posts (me being a new visitor today) and liked your discussion of sex getting better with age. Certainly true in my case, but unfortunately it took losing my marriage to learn that truth. Now I search for partners to enjoy my newly found sexual awareness with. Glad to have found your site and its wisdom and fun attitude.

  14. Anonymous

    I’ve been reading your blog for the last few days and it’s like I’m “looking into a mirror” – your attitude is awesome and quite like mine. Like you though I used to be heavier and less confident and let that hold my true self back. But I’ve worked really hard exercising and eating well, except for me it’s a health kick – I don’t want to be another heart attack/cancer/stroke/etc statistic (I’m in my early 40s now). My boyfriend loves me for the way I am but he benefits from my continued weight loss and increased stamina 😉 Health first and the rest is a bonus!

  15. scribe called steff

    Thanks. 🙂 I’ve lost a fair bit of weight and am now back to exercising — a mix of cycling, free weights, circuit weights, walking, and ab work. It’s only been a week or so back into the program (much of the last four months have been spent sick, exercising a bit and loving it, then getting quite sick again.

    The guy I’m with is also working on improving his body and has had ridiculous success, so we’re both on the same page, but he’s broken his leg and will be needing to rehab, which means I’ll be doing things with him as well. Not so bad a thing, tho. 🙂

    But yeah, with a history of cancer and heart disease and diabetes in my family, I’m not planning to be a statistic, either. The trick is, I love food, so I’m a real gourmand, so I need to balance with activity and also learning great ways of kicking things up in a healthy but tasty manner. It’s workin’, tho!

  16. Orchid

    I love this entry – much of it resonates with me. I’ve always been a big girl, and always slightly apologetic (and insecure) about it. I’m now 34 and beginning to explore new facets of my sexuality, and at once it’s nervous-making (new people seeing me naked after years of relative security about myself and my body!!!) and liberating, because dammit, I’m just tired of apologizing for what and how I am. I think I’m nifty, no matter my size. And fuck anybody else who doesn’t. : )

    Lovelovelove your blog, which I only recently discovered. Off to read more…

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